Testing The Waters
An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's note: Surprisingly, the pilot episode establishes that Oblina can't swim (maybe that's why she didn't take part in 'The Great Wave'?) Obviously she learned at some point during the series but the idea of Ickis being the one to teach her anything was irresistible.
"I can't believe you don't know how to swim!" Ickis squealed.
"It is no big deal." insisted Oblina.
"Yes it is, because I can do something that YOU can't do. She can't do it, I can do it, she can't do it, I can do it..." he sang loudly.
"I see you're also capable of puncturing one's eardrums." Oblina snapped.
"Hee hee hee. I was just having fun with you. Really, it's not that hard. I can show you." Ickis suggested.
"I'm sure that's not necessary." Oblina tried to rebuff him.
"It is too! Dad made me learn it DECADES ago. He says it's important because sooner or later, any son of his is going to end up in a fountain!" declared Ickis.
Oblina frowned thoughtfully. "That's... oddly specific advice." she commented.
"Yeah, I don't get it either. But swimming is -easy- as slime pie, you just kick your feet and push with your claws. Circular motions, that's the key." he informed her.
"Circular motions, huh? No wonder it holds such an appeal for you." quipped Oblina. Ickis graciously decided to ignore that remark.
"We'll start at the shallow end of the cesspool. I'll get Krumm to lend you his snorkel mask again, if you want." he offered.
"No thank you. I believe gagging would be counter-productive to a swimming lesson." Oblina stated. It was bad enough to have Ickis around for her humiliation, she wasn't about to drag Krumm into things.
"Even better. Some things oughta be kept just between the two of us." he admitted.
Oblina's eyes went wide. "Oh, you are not starting THAT up again. How many 'Just Friends' speeches do you need before I stop giving them?" she pondered sarcastically.
"You'll change your mind one of these days." Ickis stubbornly opined.
"And go back to hating you? I don't doubt that." she grumbled.
"C'mon, Oblina. You'll learn to love it, I swear!" he enthusiastically proclaimed as he jumped into the cesspool.
Oblina gingerly dipped a foot in the sludge. "Eugh. Why do you even LIKE this? What happened to the whiny little monster who thought he could drown in a rainstorm?" she wanted to know.
"It's different when it's something I want to do. I only hate the things that are outside my control, or at least those that I can apply a plausible deniability to." he professed.
She stared at him. "Do you listen to the inane gibberish that spews forth from your mouth, or do you try to ignore it like the rest of us?" she quipped.
Ickis ducked his head underwater for a few moments, then surfaced, shaking his ears out thoroughly. "Sorry, can you repeat that? I had water in my ears."
She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "complete and utter moron." Ickis chose to interpret it as "great and wondrous monster."
"Now the first thing about swimming is that you have to let go of your fears." he patiently explained. "Pretend you're somebody really brave."
"And you really think there is merit to any activity that begins with suppressing your baser personality traits?" she asked.
"Ordinarily, that would bother me. But I'm a superhero right now, and such criticisms are beneath me." Ickis loftily declared.
Oblina burst out laughing. "It shouldn't be that funny... it's just you... as a hero... oh it's too much! It's just too much." she guffawed.
Ickis frowned. "Well, I used'a pretend to be Dad but it was too hard to measure up to that." mumbled Ickis. "This seemed easier."
Oblina quieted down immediately. "I'm sorry, 'Super Ickis'. What exactly are we s'posed to do next?" inquired Oblina.
"First you need to float. You should walk forward until you're in at least up to your waist, but not so far that you're over your head. That's when you tilt your head back while spreading your legs apart slowly. It's to keep your balance because otherwise..." he began. Oblina, who had begun applying the first half of his instructions, found her face sinking underwater immediately. He grabbed her wrist and yanked her quickly back to the surface. "...that can happen." he concluded. "Your body sinks at first because your muscles aren't used to moving underwater. You weren't using your legs enough. Your lips probly make your face a little top-heavy so you'll need to compensate more than the average monster."
Oblina scowled fiercely. "If you're wondering how a fat lip would feel, I'd be happy to oblige." she promised.
"Don't be embarrassed, Oblina, it's a very common mistake for beginners." Ickis assured her. "With practice, you'll learn to avoid all the swimming errors. Y'know, like how you shouldn't eat a big lunch beforehand, and that you should never try it outside during winter."
"Who would be dumb enough to do that?" she wondered aloud.
Ickis' ears drooped. "Okay, Miss Know-It-All. If you think you've got the basics down already, I'll leave you alone to practice. I wanted to work on my boarding anyway." stated Ickis. He swam over to the sewage's edge and grabbed a trash-can lid. "Good quality, and it's already been broken-in. The dings provide better foot-holds that way." he observed.
"Have fun playing with yourself, dingbat." she muttered. "I don't NEED your help with this 'floating' exercise anyway. I bet I'll be an expert before the day is through."
Two hours and 16 unintentional dunkings later, Oblina was STILL struggling with the concept.
"You're doing fine, Oblina!" Ickis would periodically call out, in between stunts.
"It is not fine, it is terrible!" Oblina spat back. "Why did I ever let you talk me into this foolishness? It is nothing but a hopeless cause!"
"Hey Missus Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?" he asked her.
"I don't want to know what you gotta do." she adamantly declared.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim..." he sang out his encouragement.
"Ickis! You have missed your true calling. Forget boarding, you could win prizes for Most Annoying Sound!" snapped Oblina.
"The Gromble promised me one of those awards last week and it STILL hasn't arrived." Ickis pouted. "I even cleared a space on one of Dad's trophy racks specially for it!"
Oblina sighed. "I wouldn't hold my breath." she told him.
"That's another thing you're not getting. When you do find yourself going under, keep your mouth closed and breathe through your nose. If you hold your breath entirely you'll pass out sooner or later, but if you leave your mouth open, you might end up swallowing sewer water. Neither one is very pleasant, let alone safe." Ickis thoughtfully pointed out.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious! I -never- could have figured THAT out on my own." she grumbled. Ickis gave a little hop, then guided his trash-can board into a perfect circle around her. "And you are NOT helping by being such a show-off!" added Oblina.
"I'm not showing off." Ickis insisted. "If I was, I'd do THIS." Here Ickis launched himself off the board, flipped twice in mid-air, landed on his ears, folded his arms, and winked jauntily at Oblina. "Pretty great, huh?"
"I hope you wake up with the WORST ear infection of your life." Oblina fervently wished.
"Didn't know you were so keen on playing doctor. Grr~rawl." Ickis grinned wickedly.
"You should never have been allowed read that book on 'How To Get Dates And Influence Squishes'." she bitterly complained.
"YOU were the one who turned me on to the library's Self Help section." he put forth. "And that's not ALL you turn on..."
"Stop talking. Now." she demanded.
Ickis sighed. Either this was part of the "witty banter" he'd heard so much about, or it was a prelude to getting beaten up by a girl, and he was starting to lean towards the latter. Oblina was always so focused on her scares, what a shame she wouldn't apply the same intensity here. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but she really should have made more of an improvement by now. Maybe taking a "claws off" approach hadn't been the best idea, but he was afraid that if he tried giving her close, personal instruction again, she would just take things the wrong way. Best to let her learn at her own pace, then.
Oblina watched him paddle around on his board for a few moments, then turned away in disgust. It wasn't like he was THAT impressive, riding that board and acting as if he walked on water. She noticed that every. single. time. he displayed even the smallest level of competence at something, he acted like a big, swaggering braggart. Well... there was one exception. He didn't seem to view his artwork as more than a hobby (even though skill-wise they went far beyond anything she'd seen the rest of the class produce), but that just made the kind of antics he demonstrated today all the more frustrating! She had to get away from him for awhile.
Oblina awkwardly kicked her feet out and tried to put some distance between her and Ickis. She was doing more splashing than swimming, but at this point, she didn't care. 'Blah, blah, blah, look at me, I'm heroic, blah, blah, go look some more.' that was Ickis in a nutshell, she decided. Only he could think that the ability to swim a little was enough to qualify him for superhero-dom. Like anyone would ever write a comic about that! She amused herself by thinking along these lines for another minute, until she realized that she'd inadvertently drifted into the deeper section of the cesspool. Panicking, she began to flail about. No matter how much she struggled, she found herself sinking anyway. She could feel her movements growing weaker and her head bobbed jerkily. She didn't know which was worse, the thoughts of her impending doom, or the steps she'd have to take to prevent it. Self-preservation quickly proved the stronger of the two instincts.
"ICKIS! Help me, I can't-" she wailed, right before she went under.
Ickis snapped to attention. "OBLINA!" he yelled. Why had she gone out there, when she wasn't anywhere near ready for the deep end? He'd always considered her 'the Smart One', she was really messing with the group dynamic now. He flung aside the board and swam as fast as he could to rescue her. She was a bit heavier than he thought she'd be, and he really had to pull to get her to the surface, but he managed. Once ashore, he pressed his ears against her body. She was unconscious and a trifle pale, but he could still hear her heartbeat. She wasn't bleeding anywhere and didn't appear to have suffered any head trauma, which was a relief. He couldn't imagine ever having to live with a 'stupid' Oblina. The most important thing now was to ensure that she could breathe properly. He told her how dangerous swallowing water could be! Now he would have to resuscitate her. He remembered the chest compression technique his father had taught him, but he also recalled a secondary method for revival, and he didn't think he'd ever have a better chance to try it out.
He tilted her head back and pressed his mouth against those lips. He gave 2 slow breaths and watched her chest rise and fall. Then he applied pressure to her chest, making sure he kept his elbows locked and his shoulders positioned directly above his claws. After 30 repetitions, he determined that it was time to apply 'Rescue Breathing' again. 2 more deep breaths, then another cycle of chest compressions. Oblina seemed to be rallying now, but just to make sure, he went back for a final round of deep breaths. Very deep, the kind that would guarantee her survival. She gave a low moan, and he helped turn her head to the side so she could spit out the remaining sewer water. He held out a claw, just in case she needed help standing up, and gave her a winning grin.
Oblina slapped him. "Ow! What didja do that for? I was giving you mouth-to-mouth!" he insisted.
"For the first few minutes, maybe." Oblina acknowledged. "But then you used your tongue!"
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Ickis, you little imp. I'm sure it must be hard to be young and have only a single opposite-sex friend. Oblina will forever be grateful once the sea of raging hormones has ebbed. It's likely that happened not too long after she successfully lobbied for her first ever Book Banning campaign. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.