A/N
Hey lovely readers,
I wanted to start this authors note with an apology for not updating, but i'm not. I don't know if I will finish my other stories and I also don't have a clue when I will.
So now that's out of the way, I want to introduce my new story to you. It's not a usual fanfic. It's not about star crossed lovers that find each other, it's not filled with sensational car chases and fighting. Well, it is about fighting, but with yourself. Fighting with your own mind, and not being sure if you can win or not. This story might be boring for some people, because it's not exaggerated or spectaculair. It's the raw truth. It's about how your own mind can slowly tear you apart and not noticing it untill it's too late.
So before I start, I just wanted to say that if you recognize yourself in this story, or are struggeling with anxiety/panic attacks yourself, feel free to PM me if you want to share your story. You are not alone.
-ECLARExSHIPPER
January 19th, 2018
Dear Diary,
Like i've written before, i've been stressed for a very long time.
School, my parents, friends and my crush. It seems so stupid to be stressed about it, but I am and I have been for as long as I can remember. MY home situation is full of arguing, my dad's a real asshole. My siblings rarely talk to each other and I just can't help falling in love so hard I keep crushing my heart in the proces. And my friends.. let's just say my insecurities are starting to take over..
It just feels like I pushed it too far this time, after today i'm not sure if I can handle it all anymore. Maybe i've pushed my luck.. Let me just tell you what happened..
The last day of exam week. I still had 2 tests left and then I would be done for this semester. It was just your average exam setting. Tables spread across the room, each with a blank paper, ready to be filled with answers. Well, wrong answers in my case. I hadn't been studying, but what's new? I haven't studied in years, I just went with it. Maybe that was the reason why I was way behind on all my assigments and tests this year. It was my final year, and everyone seemed to be injected with a healthy dose of stress that gave them the push they needed to graduate.
I sat down and started my test. I coughed a few times, my throat was sore because I had a cold. I wanted to take a sip of my water, but I realised I forgot. I kept coughing and started to hold it in, afraid I was annoying everyone. Question after question, I felt my throat sting. I burst out in coughing again and started to hold it in again. My thoughts started again. What if I annoyed people? They'll probably fail tests because I am distracting them. I started to get sweaty palms. The words started dancing in my eyes. I shook my head. Question 4. After I read the question and wanted to answer it, I lost what the question was again. I coughed again, and started to get sweaty palms. I looked around, seeing everyone work in silence. I felt myself getting dizzy, my heart was racing.. I had to get out of there. Where would I go? I couldn't just get up and leave.. I raised my hand, and asked the teacher if I could be excused, I said I didn't feel very well. He looked at me, and I probably really didn't look good, because I got permission.
I walked to the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I reached for my phone but couldn't find it. I realised I must've left it in my bag, because I wasn't allowed to bring my phone in the exam room. I couldn't get it, because everyone would see and they would probably think I was going to cheat. I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor in the locked stall. I couldn't go back.. Everyone would think I was some kind of mentally instable weirdo. I felt tears slide across my cheek. I was so scared and confused. What was happening to me? I didn't know what was wrong. I've never felt like this before. After sitting in the bathroom stall for about 15 minutes, I got up and threw some water in my face. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to go back. My bag and everything was still there, if I just snatched it and took off, people would notice.
With a heavy heart, I walked back. I did get my water bottle out of my back, hoping it would help. I slowly returned to my seat and took a sip of water. I took my pencil and tried to get back to my test. The teacher told me that if I didn't feel well, I could tell the office I was sick and go home. I nodded and said I felt better, not knowing the feeling was still there. Minutes later, I got another attack. I tried to stay calm, but the feeling was so strong. Before I knew it, I said I changed my mind and wanted to go to home because I felt sick. I wrote on the test I didn't finish because of sickness and left.
Instead of going to the office, I went to the cafetaria to sit. In an hour, I had a french exam. Maybe the feeling would pass..
But it didn't. After my friends came up to me to tell how their tests went, I told them what happened. I felt anxious, trapped. When the bell rang they got up and went to their next test. I pulled my best friends arm and whispered I was going to call in sick. She nodded and went of to her test. I went to the office and said I didn't feel well and I wasn't even lying. I actually felt like I was going to throw up. But from nerves, not from sickness.
They gave me permission to leave, and after I told the teacher that was surveilling the french exam I was leaving, I went home.
So yeah, after I got home I just felt.. confused. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that way? I started going online, looking for a name that would explain my sympthoms. Sweaty palms, racing heart, nerves. It didn't take me long to figure out I was the victim of a panic attack. One of the causes was long term stress, something I had unknowingly ignored for months, maybe even years.
I'm about to go to sleep, I feel exhausted. My stomach feels heavy.
I hope this was a one time thing.
I hope monday, nothing will happen.
I hope.
Love,
Clare.
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