Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam Wing franchise except for the series on DVD and a few mobile suit figures.
Author Note: Well, here is my latest story. I'm hoping for this one to be darker than my other stories and full of plenty of angst. It is set after the war and Endless Waltz so let's say AC 198. PLEASE READ THIS NOTE. This first chapter is the prologue and it is from someone's point of view but I am NOT revealing whom! (Don't worry, you'll find out in the next chapter) The main points of this first installment is to 1) test the water, see if people are reading, 2) simply introduce the main character's thinking process in the darkest of times and 3) to see if people can guess who is speaking.
This prologue might not make complete sense right now, but I hope to have everything explained soon (definitely by the epilogue). The subject matter in this chapter can be very hard to understand unless you are in the situation. Moreover, please realize that because of its difficulty to understand it, it's even harder to explain. Even though I'm writing parts of this from experience, I can't even explain it correctly to even myself. I just hope that readers at least understand the main facts of the situation.
In addition, I realize that my tenses are all over the place but I try to make it sound the most reasonable instead of bothering with staying in tense.
Warnings: This chapter may contain trigger content! It is about cutting and the thoughts one may experience while doing it so please do not read it if you know you can't handle it. There are yaoi couplings in the story but not so much in this chapter. Also, mild cursing but that's all for now.
Okay, now that's out of the way, please enjoy.
I'm Climbing Steep and Falling Hard
Prologue
Water ran down my skin as I leaned against the wall in my shower standing completely still. I closed my eyes and took the time to feel as every droplet touched my skin and trickled down. At the moment, this was the only thing I could feel; my head was as foggy as my bathroom mirror. Knowing that eventually I would have to retreat from this soothing place, I stood completely under the water and rinsed my face and hair. Once I felt warm all over, I turned the shower off bitterly not allowing myself to get used to the comfort of it all. I pushed the shower curtain aside and began drying myself off with a nearby towel that was much too fancy for my liking. I stepped carefully onto the carpet in front of me and got dressed halfway as I attempted to dry my hair. Looking to my left, I gazed at my foggy mirror and imagined that even if I hadn't just showered that was how I would see it now but regardless; I slowly walked over and rubbed some of the condensation away. My thoughts raced back and forth confusing me to no end, but it all pointed to the same solution for my problems
Rubbing my hair with my towel once more, I placed it on top of the hamper in my bathroom. My eyes wandered over the fancy marble countertops and the gold embellished faucets before I looked up to face myself in the mirror. There I stood in black tie pants and boxers, staring at my bare-chested reflection. I gazed at my tired features and tried to remember the last time I had had a decent night sleep. Running my hands over my arms, I drew myself close into a pathetic hug, knowing all too well that I was longing for a real one from anyone who would bear to give it. I closed my eyes in vain trying my best to hold in the tears like I always did but upon moving my arms away from myself, my eyes fell upon my nightmare.
My upper body was littered with the scars of my past. Thin white and pink scars covered my chest and upper arms. My shoulders were especially spoiled; permanent proof of my mistakes. Some scars were courtesy of OZ, though I had gained many since the end of the war; I had forgotten how many in fact. I longed for my eyes to close and open to find that my body wasn't deformed with such things anymore but to no avail. Smiling cynically to myself, I shouldn't feel bad though. It wasn't as if it hadn't been my intention to put those marks there, at least at the time.
Everyone has at least one big secret. Some people cheat on their spouses, some commit crimes and some are just liars, but me? At one time, my secret was being a Gundam Pilot, one of the fiercest killers alive…but now, I was only a shell of a person. I used to be feared by people all over the universe…and now, I only frightened myself. I have never done drugs before in my life, but I still suffer from addiction.
I am addicted to cutting myself.
Let me clarify. I am addicted to the sense of control that I achieve when I cut myself. I'm not a masochist, it's not as if I enjoy the pain, in fact, I wish I could feel the pain more so maybe this could all stop naturally. Thinking on it now, I can't remember how I even started this foolish habit beyond the fact that it began during the war. Killing mercilessly and yet knowing that it was the right thing to do to achieve peace? It tore me down. I felt so angry all of the time at everything…I needed to feel real, feel human, somehow…and watching the blood run down my arms seemed to prove that and release my pain. Cutting made my anger something real and tangible instead of just a useless emotion. And it's always just too damn easy. During the war, there usually was no one around to save me from myself so I would slip away…but even here now living with the other four former Gundam pilots, I find myself secluded. I wanted to be with them so badly and I wanted them to understand and just hold me as I cried into them freely…but my pride would always stop me from that.
I love all of my friends dearly…they give me everything in the world that they could without even knowing it. I tried not to think of it now though for my heart was too weary thinking of all the things I'll leave behind tonight. My friends, a warm home, a life that was nearly perfect…but I was not perfect. I did not deserve this life that had been dealt to me so kindly.
I clutched the countertop harshly feeling tears rushing to my eyes again. I didn't want to be selfish and I didn't want to leave my friends but as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, I saw nothing. I saw a marred and broken human with blood on his hands…too much blood. What's the point of living a life for myself if I cannot stand who I have become? I moved slowly and drew a knife that I had hidden there long ago out of my bathroom drawer and placed it on the counter, staring at it. I looked back into my own weary eyes, finding tears forming there again. Yes, I would do this again; I would cut myself again but this time not to prove anything to myself. This time would be my last. I reached for the knife on the counter and held it in my shaking hands as I moved out of my bathroom, shutting the light off as I passed. It was just light enough inside my room to see a few feet in front of me but that's all I really needed.
Time stops momentarily as I hear a noise outside the door…but soon I smile bitterly. My eyes sting with the realization that it's just the air conditioning turning on. No one has come to save me…no one has come to hold me and dry my tears. I'm still alone. But then again, why would they come? It's not as if they knew what was happening in my room in this moment. Why would they come…why should they? I sigh to myself feeling the anger spread like a virus inside me. I tightened my grip in the knife and closed my eyes firmly.
How dare I expect my friends to come when I haven't even the courage to tell them that I need them? They've given me everything and I've just taken advantage of it…I have nothing to give in return except a shell of a person…and I just can't do it anymore.
Sighing heavily to myself, I feel overwhelmed and fall to my knees. I can't stop the tears that slip through my closed eyes and I raise a hand to my cheeks. My tears run down my cheeks leaving trails of heat on my face. Forgetting the knife I had dropped next to me, I can't stop from curling into myself somewhat letting my tears fall bitterly. I cry silently until I am calm like always and I sit up again still resting on my knees. Looking in front of me emptily, I merely breathed and savored my last moments. Closing my eyes one last time, I hung my head in shame, taking another deep breath. My eyes brim with tears again as I open them looking towards my room door and thinking of my friends sitting in the living room down the hall. If someone would only come to my door…
Suddenly without hesitation, I grab the knife and swiftly press it to my wrist, dragging it along the skin making sure it dug deep enough in to accomplish my task. I flinched and was surprised to feel pain…but it went away shortly afterwards leaving me to my thoughts once again. I quickly performed the same wound on my other wrist before I could lose feeling and motion in my hand. Void of any emotion, I tossed the knife away from myself and waited. I stopped trying to blink back the tears as they clouded my already fading vision. I could feel myself swaying but for once didn't have to fight against it or my extreme loss of blood. Not able to hold myself up any longer, I let my body fall to the floor and onto my left side. Darkness was overcoming me and I gave my last thoughts to my friends one more time.
"The stress of life was just too hard…I'm sorry…" My voice slurred and my eyelids began drifting downward though not enough to close or stop the tears still pouring from my weary eyes.
My body ached all over as I felt as my blood flowing from me taking my life with it; I closed my eyes finally feeling somewhat at peace. 'Everyone will be okay without you…' I assured myself once more knowing that soon it would be over.
Suddenly, I willed my eyes open again seeing a bright light ahead thinking it was all over…but I couldn't move towards it before it began to grow dim. What was happening? I brought myself enough to my senses to see that someone was kneeling in front of me and I began to breathe heavier, hearing as my body wheezed my dying breaths.
"Shit…" I heard someone say. "Call an ambulance now!" And then firm hands were around me but my body was finally numb; I couldn't tell even where they were holding me…I was fading still but I felt safe in those arms. I wanted to open my eyes to see who had rescued me but I couldn't will them to open again. Yet still there were tears flowing down my cheeks…I could still feel that up until I faded completely into the darkness with only one remaining thought.
Someone had finally found me.
End
Again, I realize that it might be hard to understand now, but I promise everything will (hopefully) be explained in the correct manner. In the mean time, who do YOU think was speaking here? Tell me what and who you think in a review because reviews make all of us writers happy! Plus, your feedback could really help me in my own writing and how I could explain things better.
Also, if you have a question for me about any of my stories or anything at all really, I have created Q&A forums so you can check those out if you'd like.
Chapter one is already written so hopefully in about a week (depending on how much attention this story gets) I'll post that one and reveal who is actually speaking.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.