Drunken Legends
By: EVA-01 Beta
(While under the influence of: a pot of coffee, a bottle of caffeine pills, using the pot of coffee to wash down the caffeine pills, and a two liter of Pepsi. Not to mention psychosis and a fair dose of sleep deprivation, as this was written between midnight and three in the morning for many a night.)
Author's Notes:
1. Due to laziness of Author, insert favorite 'I don't own a damn thing save the humor, so don't sue me' line here.
2. This is one of the most feared things in the whole of the EVA fandom: a 'crossover/self-insert/intentional OOC the likes of which God has never seen before or since' story. However, it should be spared eternal damnation due to the facts that: 1. It is not intended to be serious, 2. These crimes add to the humor, and 3. you should be too busy laughing to flame me that badly.
3. Surgeon General's Warning: Psychosis is a contagious condition. This story has tested positive for psychotic content in quantities sufficient to cause fatal reactions in those incapable of laughter or those who attempt to view this story with any real seriousness.
4. A request from the review board: Please! I beg you! Don't hurt me! I've been char broiled around this guy enough already! I don't need any more flaming! Please! Oh, and could you get me some burn salve... ~_~"
5. A general placing
in the series is marginally pointless, due to the OOCness of the story,
but if it had to go somewhere, I guess it would be after the 7th Angel,
with exceptions. Note the 'I guess' part...
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Things were going perfectly according to schedule at the Katsuragi residence that night. That is to say that (by 8 o'clock when we begin our tale): Asuka was laying on the floor, bitching about there being nothing to do; Shinji was quietly hiding at the end of the couch, counting the nanoseconds before he could escape to that blissful asylum of his known as 'SDATland' (particularly 'Track25ville'); PenPen was in the bathroom, puking up curry sludge covered rice and washing the taste out of his mouth with his nightly can of Yubisu; and Misato was falling down drunk after killing her second nightly eighteen pack of Yubisu, wandering around the house for no apparent reason. Finally, she DID fall down. Right on top of Asuka. The impact must have pushed her iron stomach beyond its' limits, for the redhead was soon covered in partially digested alcohol.
"UCK! DIS-GUSTING! SHINJI! GET HER OFF ME!" Asuka the Almighty commanded, and Shinji, as the world famous Spineless Wimp we all know and love, did nothing less than mumble, "Okay..." and follow his orders, grabbing Misato by her arms and dragging her to her room as his roommate ran for the bathroom, throwing the poor penguin out the door upon arrival.
"Wark?" he commented
as he shrugged his streamlined shoulders and waddled towards his refrigerator.
As he extended the claw to open the door, he realized that the only thing
that made living with Katsuragi bearable... scratch that, the second
to only thing that made living with Katsuragi bearable, that precious
elixir of life known to the masses as his personal, half drank Yubisu,
was still in the bathroom! With speed that would make you argue that the
thing DID fly in the air, PenPen was banging on the door, screaming, "WARK!!!
Wark wark wark-wark WARK!!!!" At long last, a reaction was seen from inside:
the door opened slightly, revealing an Asuka wearing nothing more than
bra and panties, yelling, "Wadda' ya' want, ya' brain dead bird?!" PenPen
made a lifting motion with his flippers, then motioned inside. Asuka looked
around for a second, saw the beer can, and got the idea. She reached over,
grabbed the can, stuck it out the door, and dumped its' contents on the
now depressed little house pet, noting that "This place doesn't need TWO
drunks..." and that "I'll just have Shinji clean it up later..." The soaking
wet creature sulked back to his freezer compartment, sobbing at the thoughts
of his poor, poor beer.
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"Misato, ~pant~ you should ~pant~ take better ~pant~ care of yourself..." Shinji grunted out as he drug her almost lifeless form onto her bed. His only thanks was a mumbled "mmmmm..., Kaji..." and an arm trying to drag him onto her. After escaping the room and the nosebleed coming from Misato fumbling with her shirt as he ran off, he collapsed on his corner of the couch again, watching a very disgruntle penguin walk to the kitchen. A few moments later, Asuka reappeared in some new clothes, although they covered her about as much as the previous set. In other words, not much. She, too, crashed on the couch, and Shinji was left to wonder how she could she expertly land as to take up every bit of couch space he wasn't sitting on, yet not even touch him. Must be a German thing... He stored those thoughts in the back of his mind as his roommate asked what was on rather than looking at the monthly T.V. schedule, knowing that by the second day, Shinji had it memorized.
"Well, there's nothing but junk on the broadcast channels: news, talkshows, and a bunch of crappy American shows nobody wants to see, like reruns of Baywatch: 2010." Ikari made a face at the mere THOUGHT of that..., that..., thing..., "Most of the satilite channels are the same way. About the only thing worth watching are the movie channels."
"And what've....., what've they got to offer?" Asuka yawned halfway through her question.
"Some American movie called 'Men In Black IV', another one called 'Jurassic Park VIII', some 'Hail to the Queen' about an Elizebeth, um..., 'Mein Kamph: The Life & Times of Adolph Hitler'," Shinji stopped and cowered in fear for a moment as Asuka used her Godlike 'Glare of Death' on him, "And a marathon of old Jackie Chan movies."
"Those old things?! They have the WORST choreogrophy! I mean, come on! Nobody in their right mind would fight like that!" Soryu ranted, as none of the choices seemed interesting to her, "Would it kill them to have one decent movie on?! Would it?!"
I think they're pretty good, actually. I mean, a lot of work went into getting all those moves right...> Shinji thought to himself, and was very careful not to voice such 'anti Will of Soryu' blastphamy. Instead, he initiated 'Emergency Anti Pissed-Asuka Technique No. 1': smile, nod, and get the Hell away from the subject, "Okay, so what do you want to do, then?"
"Well, I dunno...." Auka sank into the couch a bit and stared at the T.V., deep in thought. Finally, an idea struck her, "Ya' know, Shinji, Misato's down for the count...," Asuka mummured seductively as she seemed to magically go from one end of the couch to the other, "...and PenPen doesn't care, so long as he's fed...," She leans over the young lad, placing a hand next to his left arm and balancing her weight on it, "...so we have all night availible for..., shall we say, 'entertainment'?" she almost cooed at him.
Shinji fought vigoriously against the onseting nosebleed, winning just enough time to squeek a, "Okay..." before she went in for the kill...
[The now hyperactive author of this story, EVA-01 Beta, leaned back in his chair and read over his 'writing' (which the rest of the civilized world would refer to as 'mad key smashing') and said, "Great. Juuusssttt great. This is going from an insane crossover-OOC bonanza... to a lemon... in a thousand words or less. This completely, totally, utterly, and absolutely SUCKS!" He then proceeds to rub his temples for a few minutes, determining the course of fate in his work. "Let's see what the good book has to offer..." He grabs a shrink-wrapped book labeled 'General Information, Regulations, & Author Stats: FanFiction.Net Authors: Anime: Evangelion' and flipped to the right page. "Yes, here it is... 'Requirements to write EVA Lemons'... Hentai Rank of 7 or more... Lemon skill... and Lemon Design Rank of 8 or more..." he flips to the index, "Beta.., Beta..., Bet... page 2134." Finally arriving at his Stat page, he checks each requirement off. "Hentai Rank: 9.5; check! Lemon Skill; check! Lemon Design Rank: 4.5; GODDAMN IT!"
Due to his volume, most of the world hears his request, including its' intended recipient, who was not impressed. "Get fucked, Beta. That's your response when I wanted something outta' you. Ain't life a bitch!"
Beta quickly flips
back to the requirements page and reads the last line, "'All violators
of these requirements will be subject to severe flaming and emotional torture
by the unofficial Guardians of Good EVA Fics, the FanFiction Yakuza.' Fuck!
I'm already waist deep in shit with them, and this would probably get me
electronically kneecapped . Well, since I don't yet have the skill to make
this a true lemon, I'll just have to leave the details to that underworked
portion of the creative mind reserved for hentai thoughts. Thank God for
small favors..." and so, begins typing again]
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All that alcohol that didn't get to help me forget my pathetic existence...> the hurt little creature thought, All the pain and suffering she has caused me. And Shinji, the poor bastard. All he wants is a chance to get laid with her, and she won't even give him one. And Misato. All she wants to do is get drunk in peace, but NNNNOOOOOO, Little Miss Soryu says 'you should stop drinking that stuff...>. Step by step, PenPen's thoughts grew more and more dark until he realized what many Anime fans have known for a long time: THE BITCH MUST DIE!!!> Almost at once, he recinded that declaration. Death is too good for her. She wasted Yubisu. If Misato wasn't passed out right now, she would have done something more than mean and nasty enough to make up for her unknowing transgression, but, alas, it is up to me! I alone must defend the honor and dignaty of the secret Katsuragi School of Martial Arts and the honor of the fuel for its' power! Now, where did I put those...?> he looked around, eventually finding his targets behind the hidden symbol of the Katsuragi School (a picture of a can of Yubisu with fists on either side and crossed swords underneath): about ten hidden cameras and a piece of paper with a number scribbled on it, along with the name 'Kensuke'. Revenge is sweet,> PenPen thought as he dialed the number, ...and what could be sweeter than getting paid to get revenge...> If birds were capable of doing so, he would have smiled at the thought of his plan, a thought interupted by the other end of the line picking up.
"Is that you? Press a number if it's you." his claw stabbed the 'six' key. "Okay, so you accept the deal, then? one button for 'yes', two for 'no'." again, the 'six' key. One time. "Sweet! Just remember to turn on the transmitter, or we both get nothing..." If a 'hentai-thought detecter' were to be used on Kensuke at this point, the results would be extreamly similar to those of a breathalizor on Misato at any given time: an overloaded pile of smoking silicone.
Having confirmed that the deal was on, PenPen the Pornography Penguin walked down to Asuka's room with the cameras in hand, desparately fighting the urge to see the actions causing all that, shall we say..., 'noise' in the living room...
[As Beta began
to continue this scene, his speakers started sounding like klaxons as the
words 'Approaching Lemon FanFiction!' flashed on his screen in bright red
letters. "Okay, okay, I get the point. Backing away from the keyboard.
See? I'm backing away from the keyboard..." he said in a soothing voice,
hoping the anti-bad writing program wouldn't erase the file. Having decided
that Beta really didn't intend to turn this into a lemon, the program released
control back to him. As he sat back down and started typing, he commented,
"Damn thing gets touchier every day..."]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six hours later,
Asuka was in bed, presumably asleep, and Shinji finally gained control
of the remote. "Jack-ie Chan is the MAN!" he rhymed as he found the proper
channel and began watching. It was unfortunate that he'd missed out on
the first half of the marathon, but such is life... Besides, most of his
better films were on near the end anyway, especially some of the ones that
had to be dubbed, both for America and Japan. One such movie was starting
right now...
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The next day, all three of the Katsuragi Residence's occupants were going to NERV, although for slightly different reasons. Misato still had to do that ton of paperwork that her beer had gotten rid of for her, but had magically reappeared. Damn pink pandas! I swear, they're out to get me!> she thought as she drove the group to the HQ. Shinji and Asuka, however, had sync tests all day. As such, Asuka was more stand-offish than usual and Shinji more sunk into himself, playing with the zipper on the duffle bag he had brought with him, which contained a new set of street clothes to be kept in his locker. Once on the elevator, they said their good-byes and went their separate ways.
As Shinji changed into his plug suit he thought he heard a door open. As he looked around, he saw nothing out of place, and heard no other sound, and summarily brushed it off as nerves and finished. As he shut the door to his locker, he turned and almost walked right into Rei Ayanami. His apology was stumbled and misformed, as the result of two thoughts colliding into said apology and each other in his mind:first, why is Ayanami in the Men's Locker Room? And secondly, why isn't she wearing anything?>
"Pilot Ikari," the naked Rei began, "there is the distinct possibility that one or both of us could be killed in combat..." She moved closer to him as she spoke, which didn't help the 'Emergency Nosebleed Contol and Prevention System' any, "I do not wish to die, but I will if I must. I will not ALLOW you to die, however. I want you to be here, always, whether I am here or not..." Rei, not one to waste time reached immediately for Shinji's...
[Although spared the klaxons this time, Beta still watched as red letters returned to his computer. 'Don't push it, buddy!' was their new message.
"Why the Hell do I keep writing this shit?! I am NOT trying to write a lemon, so why does this lemony stuff keep popping outta' the woodwork?!" Beta asked himself.
For a change of pace, himself answered, "Remember that underworked portion of the creative mind? Well, it's signed up for temporary labor, and this is it."
Realizing that this was nothing more than psychosys setting in from getting about two hours of sleep every night for the last three and a half months, Beta merely ignored it and tried that scene again...]
Rei, not one to waste time reached immediately for Shinji's...
["DAMN IT! There you go, again!"]
Rei, not one to waste time, leaned over quickly and gave Shinji a peck on the cheek before bailing out the access door for the EVA cages.
After a moment
of Bambi-like 'deer in the headlights' blinking, Shinji followed her out
the door and hopped into his Entry Plug, taking his duffle bag with him
and hiding it under his contol seat.
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"Ikari, we have a problem." Kouzou Fuyutski said as he hung up the phone on the Commander's desk, "SEELE has made a new revelation off of the Dead Sea Scrolls." he sank into his seat and prepared for the comming battle.
"What have the old men at SEELE cooked up, now?" Gendo Ikari asked his second-in-command, not even shifting slightly to face him while in the 'Gendo Postion: Sitting Variant' (hands crossed over his face, hiding his mouth and part of his nose, staring down all those around him), without the slightest hint of emotion in his voice.
"They've come to the conclusion that there is no one God in our universe..." Fuyutski was amazed that Gendo's hard expression could get any harder, but somehow, it did.
"How dare you speak ill of me. I would know if another like me was present. Obviously, the Scrolls are wrong." By some miricle, the most minute hint of anger slid into his voice.
"I'm serious, Gendo."
"So am I."
An exasperated sigh later, Kouzou continued, "They found references to a place called 'Fan Fiction Net' and of almighty beings called 'Authors'. These 'Authors' bend our reality to their whims and we are forced to live it, as they exert their power through 'Fics' that are stored, read, and reviewed at this 'Net'. It has also been discovered that these 'Authors' are policed by various groups, depending on where the 'Fics' are stored at the 'Net', but 'Fics' concerning we in this reality are policed by the 'Fan Fiction Yakuza'."
"Interesting..." Ikari fell deep into thought. A few moments later, he returned, "Anything else?"
"Yes. Apparantly, these 'Authors' will sometimes install their 'Avatars', or writing selves, into our reality, where they can still do whatever they want to. Should they choose to, they can make us do things we would never do otherwise, a characteristic refered to as 'OOC'ness." A look of true and almost primal fear overtook Fuyutski's features, "There is no power availible to us capible of stopping one of them. They truely are Gods."
"No, Fuyutski, they are not. If they were, they would not have made their discovery so easy..." Pieces of a plan began to form in Gendo's mind, "However, these beings may become useful for us. Does SEELE have any instructions that they're stupid enough to think I'll obey?"
"Yep. They ordered you to take three prescription drugs: One you'll have to find on your own; the other two are being delivered to your cold, dank cave in the Geofront and will be left on the pile of human skulls you call a dining table."
"And these drugs are?"
"The two they're supplying are a laxative and something to treat depression. The one you're to find yourself is a narcotic known as Marajuana, or 'Pot' for short. They said it did wonders for Chairman Keel."
"I... see..." Gendo muttered as he sweatdropped slightly. The instant he realized what was happening, he immediately fell back into the 'Gendo: Sitting' position but he knew it was too late.
"Are you all right, Ikari?" Kouzou succeded in making his voice sound like he would actually be unhappy if the answer wasn't an affirmative.
"Fine, fine. Pilot Soryu recently graduated from college. Contact her concerning aquisition and methods of use of this 'Pot'."
"Right..."
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"First Stage Alert! Angel approaching!" Maya Ibuki yelled as screens all over the Command center flashed the same message.
"Cancel sync tests! Prep all EVAs for launch!" Misato barked out.
"Is the pattern confirmed?" Ritsuko didn't like what the indicator screen was showing.
"Confirmed as Pattern Blue With Pink Poka Dots!" Lt. Aoba checked.
"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!" Katsuragi questioned, having absolutly no clue what the 'With Pink Poka Dots' part was about.
"The next generation of Angels, Misato. The most basic and weakest is Pattern Blue. The addition of Pink Poka Dots indicates an increase in all of the creature's abilities, including intelligence. This thing may even show emotion!"
Misato grabbed the headset right off of Maya and yelled at the microphone, "KILL IT! KILL THE EVIL!! MURDER THAT UNHOLY PILE OF SHIT!!! JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!" Taking a second or two to get her breath and her voice back, she returned the headset to its' original owner and continued, "So, how bad is battle going to be?"
"Pretty bad."
"Would it kill you to be optimistic, old friend? Just for a second?"
"If I did that, I would be massively out of character, considering that inpending doom is not only looming on the horizon, but blacking out the other one as well."
"What... Ever."
"Um, orders, ma'am? The Angel is still approaching..." Maya reminded.
"Right. Shinji, Asuka: try to pincer it. Rei: find a nice spot and sniper the Hell out of it... What?" she questioned as the three kids and everyone in the Command Center sweatdropped and stared at her.
"Major Katsuragi,"
Rei recovered, "I cannot find an acceptible firing position while still
restrained to the EVA lift, which has yet to launch to the surface." Now,
it was Misato's turn to sweatdrop as she ordered the launch.
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As the Angel approached the skyscrappers that were the core of Tokyo-3, Shinji called back to base, "Misato, I have an idea I'd like to try."
"And that would be?"
"Well, while you were in an alcohol-induced sleep and Asuka was... recovering, I watched some old Jackie Chan movies, and I think that I can use something from them to help deal with this Angel." A sheepish smile spread on his face.
Movies aren't the real world, damnit... Ah, what the Hell; let him have his fun.> Misato thought. "I repeat: And that would be?"
"Well, um, they called it 'Drunken Boxing'." A general mummer of 'Oh, for the love of God's and 'What a fuckin' nutcase's were his reponse, as well as Misato smacking her forehead. "I even brought the beer!" Pulling out the duffle bag, he opens it to show a six-pack of Yubisu.
My... beer...
MY... BEER... MY MOTHER-FUCKING BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> Katsuragi
was PISSED! "SSSSSHHHHHIIIIINNNNN-JJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
she screamed with so much force and at such a high pitch that the vidscreen
just couldn't take it, sparking and sizzling before exploding out onto
the floor below as everyone in the room covered their ears and shreeked
in pain.
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High above the rest of the Command Center, Gendo looked back slightly at his second, "Fuyutski, aquire the audio assualt defense device from my desk. It's right next to the large, shiny red button marked 'Planet Core Nuclear Self-Distruct Activation'."
"But, sir!" he exclaimed, "Using them would suggest to the others that you bear more relation to the human race than a striking resemblance!"
"A risk that must be taken. If Major Katsuragi initiates another attack like that, I will be unable to maintain the Gendo, and that would reveil far more humanlike qualities." Gendo Ikari shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
"V, very well, sir..." Kouzou went to carry out his orders, nearly running into the nameless and unknown technicions who were carrying the replacement panels for the vidscreen from their room with the wiretap hidden in the Commander's Office. As such, as soon as the Vice-Commander was out of earshot, they broke into heated discussion concerning how one of those 'Authors' the two were talking about could somehow made them go OOC.
["Where in the Hell did this come from? Asuka and Shinji esentially get laid. Rei and Shinji were about a full half-step from getting laid. SEELE knows about FF.N. Shinji acctually DRINKS! This is utter insanity! Only the terminally insane or terminally stupid could do something like this!" Beta bitched to himself.
Setting a new record for responding twice in the same night, himself answered, "Or, according to the medical science knowledge you have, someone who's had way, way, WAY too much sugar. Don't worry about it though. Just refill your cuppa' joe, throw in those caffiene pills, and keep'er rollin'."
"Don't mind if
I do."]
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'Dis stuff's gass some KICK!> Even Shinji's thoughts were slurred as he opened up his fourth can of the amber-colored liquid gold and started wolfing it down. At the half-can mark, he stopped to get a breath, seeing the latest Angel turn the corner in front of him and face Unit-01. Momenta' truth, now. Gotta' show'em what I'm made'a> Unit-01's pilot proceeded to set new speed records in minor alcohol consumption by killing all two and a half remaining cans in about thirty seconds, then set himself up in a perfect mockery of Jackie Chan's stance in The Legend of Drunking Master. In fact, Mr. Chan's stumbling and Unit-01's were an exact match for most of the 'battle' that followed.
As the humaniod Angel stepped slowly forward, it drew forth a Megacheapo® brand Plastic Combat Spork and said, "Not only shall I defeat you and complete my goal to join with Adam, but I will make you all look like the nutcase babies you are!" As the creature finished its' contract-mandated 'Really Gay and Stupid But Necessary Pre-Battle Speech That Everyone Ignores But Needs To Be There Anyway' statement, Rei Ayanami seemed to disolve into the LCL, her plugsuit suddenly filled with a four-year-old girl, crying her little red eyes out and whineing, "NNNOOOO!!! The mean, ugly, spork-weilding bad man-looking thing found out! WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" and Unit-00 fell over, rubbing it's eye and convulsing.
"Um..., I was being facetious about the baby part...." the Angel mumbled as it sweatdropped, scratching its' head nerviously. Before it got a chance to give its' apology, however, Asuka went into a battle rage and attacked.
"I will not have you abusing my lesbian sex toy like that!!!" Soryu cried as she unloaded the clips of her machine guns into the Angels AT-Field, which seemed to be plaid instead of the usual hexigonal orange or blue.
After choking on LCL for a moment after his alcohol-soaked mind made sense of her comment, he sreamed, "ASUKA!!! HOW CAN YA' SAY THAT?!?!?!" remembering the events of the previous night.
"Well..., I kept telling you she was a doll. I just never mentioned how doublesided the comment was..." she answered as she dropped the empty weapons and grabbed a Progressive Knife, jogging towards the enemy, "Last night was..., well, it was a test. I wanted to find out if a guy was worth it. You weren't. Sorry. Now, then, Mr. Whatever-the-fuck-you-are, prepare to die!"
The Angel easily dodged her head-on lunge, slipping to the side and bringing its' knee into her chest, resulting in an uncontrolled crash into a nearby building. As she recovered, the Angel proclaimed, "Now, bear witness to the unholy power of the Combat Spork!!" and slammed the 'weapon' with increadible power right into Unit-02's abdomen. A few seconds later, Asuka mumbled, "...Can't fight... Too... Hungry... Must... Eat..." and her EVA simply laid there, holding its' stomach and moaning every now and then as it curled up into a ball.
"I'm da' last line a' defense 'n' stuff, ~hic~ sa' bring it! ~hic~" Shinji challenged as the Angel returned its' atttention to the last EVA standing. What followed was a hilariously idiotic proformance of random motions that did more damage to Unit-01 than the Angel, but was certainly entertaining. Realizing that things were not going well, Shinji resorted to actions born of new heights of stupidity. After charging for a moment, Unit-01 raised both hands in the air and Shinji cried, "Holy Hard Liquor! STRIKE!" and at once, hundreds of bottles of hard liquor fell from the sky and impaled the Angel's AT-Field, exploding like Molotov Cocktails on impact. Once the assualt had subsided, the Angel sneered, "That the best you've got? I was at least expecting to break a sweat here. Come on, you can do it!" it mocked.
"Al' righ'! You asked fer it!" Shinji gathered all the 'Beer-Kai' he could and broke loose with his own 'secret ultimate attack', "YUBISU-JU-SHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!" At those words, the four-year-old girl in Unit-00's Entry Plug looked up at the message screen with Shinji's face on it and cried, "'You be so juicy'? You think that Angel is 'juicy'?! PERVERT!!!!!!" and proceeded to continue crying like the little girl she was.
Meanwhile, as Unit-01 cast the attack, the Kanji characters for 'Yubisu' appeared all around it, and slowly morphed into huge, almost EVA-sized cans of the cheap beer. With a gesture of pushing from the casting Evangelion, the cans flew at once towards their target, each detonating like an N-2 Mine on the Angel's AT-Field. The strain of the attack was too much for poor Shinji, as the effects of the alcohol finally overtook his weak tolerance levels, leaving a collapsed and drooling Unit-01 snoring loudly on the ground.
HA! This is
the most pathetic attempt at a battle I've ever seen!> the Angel thought
as it fell over and rolled on the streets of Tokyo-3, laughing hysterically
at its' opponants. Soon, it discovered the true purpose to their antics.
The Angel was laughing too hard to keep it's eyes open to use it's eye-beam
attack, couldn't attack with its' Combat Spork because it needed to lean
on a building to keep itself standing from the cackling it was going through,
and couldn't stop thinking of the stupidity of it all, which was making
it laugh even more. Finally, it decided to call it a day and retreat back
into the big, dark cavern hidden beneath the rock it had crawled out from
under. As it giggled away, no one noticed, as everyone had smaller problems
at the moment...
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"YUBISU-JU-SHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Shinji Ikari's voice was heard in the Command Center and his face could
now be seen, as the replacement vidscreen had just fully reactivated, testing
good for sound protection, ensureing that it would not suffer the fate
of it's predecessor. As Misato heard this, the lower eyelid of her right
eye began to twitch slightly. ...Little prick... Dares to use MY School's
moves... Not properly trained... MY moves... MY FUCKING BEER!!!!!!>
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"Here, Ikari." Kouzou Fuyutski said as he placed the audio assualt defense device (a set of firing range ear muffs) on the platform Gendo was resting his elbows on.
"Thank you." Gendo replied in his usual 'I'm better than the entire fucking universe' monotone as he placed them properly on his head, eliminating from his ears any sound under 110 decibles. Said sound suppression hid from him his son's use of the most feared attack of the Katsuragi School of Drunken Boxing, the 'Yubisu-Ju-Shi', but didn't even begin to hinder the Master of the School's response, an unchartable, "SHINJI IKARI, YOU MOTHERFUCKING THIEVING LITTLE BASTARD!!!!!!!!!" which once again shattered the vidscreen in a New York Minute, much to the dismay of the maintainence team that had, not five minutes ago, switched out the quick-connect cables for the power and data supplies.
Grumbling about getting paid too much and not working hard enough to suit them, they went about rewiring everything AGAIN, when it dawned on them exactly WHAT they were saying. Realizing that one of those damned 'Authors' acctually DID make them go OOC, they screamed like Japanese schoolgirls and ran to the base's Fallout Shelter, hoping to hide in there until the shame of their involuntary actions went away. Unknownst to them but knownst to us, that Fallout Shelter was Neyoko Akagi's greatest accheivement, superior by far to the useless pile of junk refered to as the MAGI. The Shelter was constructed as a last defense against the power of the Authors, which SEELE had known about for some time. It was the IB APB: the In-Bunker Author-Proof Bunker, a room whose contents were immune to the effects of Fics. This room could not undo damage done, but could prevent further damage from being incured.
Meanwhile, Gendo gave up any futher attempt to appear to be an inhuman bastard and went down to the main Command Center in the 'Gendo Position: Walking Variant' (Moving at strick attention, back straight, hands clasped behind him, staring down all those around him), and asked for the attention of the bridge crew. Once every head in the room was facing him, he proceeded, "I have an announcement to make. I know this will be a shock to you, but I am not an inhuman bastard..." he was cut off as a series of mummered 'yeah, right's from all around him. Once they died down, he finished, "I..., this is so embarrasing! I am only a stuck-up bastard. I was denied my 'inhuman' certification three years ago by the Universal Society of Bitches And Bastards. I just couldn't deal with it, so I lied and said I was one anyway."
[Before he could go any more OOC with Gendo, Beta heard a feminine voice in the distance go, "Oh, Beta dear!" and was followed by footsteps that were growing steadily louder. "Oh, shit! The other half! I must run away! I must run away!... But, where?! She's found me all the other times. Hell, she found my ass when I was hiding from her in Afganistan..., although her pointing out the unknown truth in calling Osama a 'little prick' was way too much information, she still found me! Where to go..., where to go... BINGO! I shall suffer the wraith of the Yakuza for this, but it must be done! One Avatar, comming up!" And so, Beta did the unthinkable and wrote himself into his own story.]
As Gendo was about to break into tears, a strange black hole in space semed to appear out of nowhere in a shadowy corner of the Command Center. Soon after, a figure mysteriously materialized and stepped through this portal, clad in armor a near perfect replica of Unit-01's EVA armor in a human size, save the lack of shoulder pylons or head armor. Suddenly, this being spoke! "Hey, it worked! SWEET! I'm actually IN Evangelion! MORE SWEET!!" he shouted with a cocky grin on his face.
"Who the Hell are you and what the fuck are you doing here?" Katsuragi signaled to the guards at the door, who raised their M-22 assualt rifles and aimed at his head.
"Call me Beta. I'm responsible for the recent stupidity in this place, as I am the Author of a rather insane but humorious story which I was forced to enter into to escape extream pain and torture, although I suspect it was little more than a delaying tactic. Hence, you're stuck with me for a while, so call off the attack dogs with toy guns." He cocked his head slightly towards the guards on his right.
What a smartass!> "I think there's a nice spot in the brig for you, and you think differently, I know there's a nice spot in Hell for you. Take your pick." Misato temporarily borrowed her boyfriend's 'Smile of Ultimate Self-Confidence' as the guards switched to automatic fire with intentionally loud clicking noises.
"You DO like it rough, then! As thou wisheth." With a snap of his fingers, there was a blinding flash of light, and by the time anyone could look directly at him, four more objects, looking similar to this Beta, but helmeted, more streamlined, and far more elegant, formed a square around him. "Misato and company, may I introduce the Knight Sabers, from another series called 'Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040'. Sylia, Priss, Nene, Linna; may I introduce Misato Katsuragi and assorted nameless, soon to be dead, security guards from N.G.E..
"What the fuck are we doing here?" Priss questioned.
"What's going on?" Linna was next.
...followed by Sylia, "Where are we?"
"And who are you, mister?" Nene defiantly demanded.
"Was that a note of discontent I hear? We're gonna' have to see about this..." Beta waved his hand in the air for a moment, then seemed to press something in midair. Suddenly, a Washu-like Holotop appeared out of nowhere, and he began typing something into it. With a grand final tap, he closed down the Holotop again and simply stared at the red Knight Saber impaciently.
All four of the Sabers kneeled before him and spoke as one, "We are your humble servants. Do with us as you see fit, Beta-sama."
"Appairantly, the old saying was right; absolute power would appear to corrupt absolutely. Now, as I was saying, lose the attack dogs with toy guns." He now wore the Smile.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Gendo recovered from his uncharacteristic shock to demand.
"Are you deaf, dumb, or C. all of the above? I just said: I need somewhere to hide, and this is it. Be nice to me and I might just let you not go to Hell when you die."
"Be gone! I am the supreme lord and ruler of this place!" A strange red and black aura semed to form around him.
"Don't fuck with me, Bastard Ikari! I have the power to make you look like a choir boy!" A blue and white aura appeared around the intruder, and his Holotop opened up before him. As the Commander of NERV, 6th Division began to respond that no power was his equal, Beta smacked three blinking lights on the holographic keyboard and leaned his head to the side to stare at Gendo directly. He then fell right over onto the floor, laughing like a madman. Which he just might be...> Gendo thought. as he looked down at something out of place.
That something
turned out to be flowing white robes with a golden colored Christian cross
on the front. As he screamed and tried to rip the offending garment from
his person, he found his grip busy with a hyme book, with the same golden
cross and an equally white cover, as to match said robes perfectly. Without
hesitation, he ran to the Director of Operations, drew her Colt .45, and
used it to shoot the now smoking, hissing, hyme-book-holding hand off at
the wrist. As the self-infliclted wound sprayed blood over the control
consoles, he, too, screamed like a Japanese schoolgirl and hid in
what we know as the IB APB, claiming the darkest and most dank corner of
the room, making it feel something like home. The other occupants of the
APB congregated in the opposite corner, wishing to be as far from Ikari
in his current condition as possible, mumbling about the girlish, whining,
"Why me?!"s and feminine sobbing comeing from their Commander.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Okay: While I admit that seeing Gendo in pain was rather enjoyable, there is still the problem of you." Katsuragi broke the long period of silence following Gendo's 'misadventures', "Like, what are we going to do with you? To you?"
"Well... You could just leave me alone. Or you could go finish the job Bastard Ikari started. Or you could just stand there and do nothing, I guess." Beta suggested, counting off each idea on his fingures, "Or, better yet, you can go topside and see what poor old Shinji has gotten himself into, seeing as how you were oh so helpful in making such information unavailible here." As a blank look showed up on Misato's face, Beta pointed at the shattered remains of the vidscreen.
"Oh... Hey, wait a minute! What are you going to be doing down here after you get rid of me, hm?" Katsuragi's classic 'Glare of Maniacal Evil' made itself appairant.
"Well, that depends on your definition of 'doing'." Beta began, "If you are using the most basic and commonly used definition, assorted pointless stuff. If you're using the Mafia application of the word, then the list starts with Gendo, then the MAGI, then Kouwaru, Keel, and the whole of Seele. Now, if by that you mean the most hentai of possible meanings, then just about every good-looking female in NERV who is never, not once, seen in the series or referenced to in any way. While going after Ritsuko or trying to turn Maya back to the Guy Side of the... 'Force'... would be fun, it would assure that the Yakuza would hunt me down and rip me into very small, hard to identify pieces. For me, at least, this would be bad. So, I take what I can get. Pun intended."
"You are so dead. FIRE!" The Major's termination order followed immediatly by a previously thought impossible amount of thunderous... silence. "What the Hell?! I SAID FIRE, GODDAMN IT! FIRE!!!" Now having pulled the trigger many times and checked that they did have ammo, most of the guards just shrugged their shoulders.
"If you would, please, Nene." Beta said as he motioned her to proceed. The Red Knight Saber walked slowly towards Misato, the weird suppressed clunking of the Saber's armored high heels freaking the Major out more and more, until a robotic-looking hand was held out to her. As she stretched her left hand out (her right reaching for where her .45 had been), six small pieces of metal fell on her palm.
"The firing pins. I had them removed when I fixed the compatibility problems with the Knight Sabers. Sorry 'bout that. NOT!" the Unit-01 rip-off taunted, "Meanwhile, why don't you go check on Pussy Ikari."
"Why should I?"
"I said so."
"And that's a reason... how, again?"
"Because if you don't, I'll have you attending A.A. meetings for the rest of your life." A feral grin suggested the threat was real.
"So? I'd do the same thing I do now: Sleep through 'em." Misato shrugged off said threat, then added, "And I have to say, if that's the best one of you Authors can do, I am so, SO not impressed."
Appairantly, Katsuragi caught a nerve with that one,
as Beta became majorly pissed, "I swear to God Almighty, Katsuragi: if
your slutty little ass is in an assending elevator for the surface by the
time I count to three, every non-medicinal liquid to pass your lips shall
be instantaniously converted to WATER!!!" In an effort to back up his bragging,
the Holotop made another appearance, "One!... Tw..., Damn! I didn't know
human beings could move that fast, even with the proper incentive!" Beta
admitted as the surface elevator carried the traumatized Major to the top
of one of medium-height skyscrappers of the city of Tokyo-3, only slightly
shorter than an EVA. A building from which the next round of stupidity
could easily be viewed...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to the steadily growing danger of Unit-01 drowning in a pool of it's own drool, the EVA was forced to go berserk and once again save its' pathetic excuse for a pilot from him own ignorance and/or stupidity. The biomechanical monster drug itself to it's feet and leaned against a building as it tried to regain it's balance. A difficult accomplishment, as the Evangelion was throughly drunk, thanks to it's pilot.
This task marginally complete, Yui Ikari decides that her little Shinji needs to have one of the three 'Talks' (Note to Reader: Maybe I'm wrong, but if you don't know what at least one of the three 'Talks' are, you have no business reading this in the first place. -Beta) and, knowing dear old Gendo of late, she was the only way he was going to hear it. She partially ejected the Entry Plug, just far enough to allow her EVA fingures to reach around, open said Entry Plug, and pluck the unconcious adolencent out. Holding him by the colar of his Plugsuit between thumb and forefingure, Unit-01 flicked L.C.L. at Shinji with the forefingure of the opposite hald until he finally awoke to be greeted by 'The Drinker's Friend Who's Always There', the hangover.
"Ugh... Misato never told me it was this bad... How does she stand it?..." Unit-01's pilot mumbled as his beer coated brain continued to fail to realize what was going on.
"Shinji... Shinji, dear..." A soft, feminine voice sprang from the fearsome mawl of the EVA.
"Yes, Mother..." Poor little Ikari still didn't get it.
"We need to have a 'Talk'. You see, now that you've gone and gotten yourself utterly wasted, I want you to learn about the dangers of alcohol." Yui said.
"Um, Mother, I think it's a little late to give me life lessons on the bad things that can happen from getting drunk. I live with Major Misato Katsuragi, remember? Case study for drunken behavior?" Shinji joked.
"Let's not forget what it does to your body, dear!" Yui pointed out, then began listing, "Your liver, your kidneys, your brain..."
"Oh, yeah. My brain and head are busily informing me of just HOW damaging it is... ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH!" Shinji interupted.
"Precisely! Now leave booze alone, you hear me?! Do you really want to become like Misato?!" The soul of Unit-01 tried to reinforce it's point.
"I don't know... I mean, being like Misato has its' perks." Shinji, in his drunken state, forgot the promise he made to tell no one and let out an interesting little tidbit, "Ever since Kaji died, when Misato would come home drunk, she'd think I was Kaji and... well, let's just say I wouldn't get to bed until about one or two in the morning."
Two high-pitched screaming voices cried, "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" at the same time: one such voice springing from Yui Ikari through Unit-01, the other from the recently arriving Major after hearing Shinji and her 'little secret' being told. A now seriously, and I do mean SERIOUSLY pissied off EVA-01 turned to face an equally pissed Misato.
"YOU DID WHAT TO MY SON THAT KEPT HIM FROM BED UNTIL ONE OR TWO IN THE MORNING?!?!" The robot bellored.
"I suppose it's too late to say emotional support..." It finally dawned on the woman just how BIG an EVA really was.
"YEAH, RIGHT!!!!!! EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OF THE PHYSICAL KIND!!!!! PREPARE TO DIE, YOU SLUTTY LITTLE PEDOPHILE!!!!" The EVA tossed Shinji back in the Entry Plug for safe keeping as the matchup of the 21st. century took place: Evangelion Unit-01, under the control of Yui Ikari, and Misato Katsuragi, the undisputed master of the ancient art of Drunken Boxing. It was a match that lasted over three days; Yui using her AT-Field both offensively and defensively in combination with her Progressive Knives, bare fists, and the strange and previously unknown power henceforth refered to as 'The Unstoppable Power of The Completely Idiotic, Morality Obsessed, Diehard Biblethumper' (or 'TUPOT CIMOD B', for short), While Misato broke out with every technique and move she knew, including the 'Yubisu-Ju-Shi' and the 'Jack Daniels' Hillbilly Smackdown'. This clash of titans finally came to an end when neither fighter could go on and both collapsed, utterly exaughsted.
"Truce?" A panting Katsuragi questioned.
"Truce..." A weezing Unit-01 responded.
"Good, 'cause I'm all out." A single tear fell from her face as she looked upon her completely bone dry Mobile Bar, which would for some ungodly reason appear out of nowhere whenever she needed it.
"So am I..." If EVAs had tearducts, a single tear
would have fell from Unit-01's armor-plated head as it's S-2 Organ screamed
bloody muder and died.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ohayô gozaimasu! Ogenki desu ka?" An exceedingly irritating voice broke through Katsuragi's drunken slumbers. When she finally got around to rolling onto her back and opening an eye at the source of the noice, her fears were confirmed.
"Fuckin' queer, pick a language!" Yet another futile 'Death Glare' wasted on the #1 member of the 'Most Annoying Son of A Bitch In The Whole of Existance' list.
"'All booze and no sobriety makes Misato P.M.S. constantly'?"
"Go to Hell!"
"Been there. Done that. Next stupid idea?"
"Drop dead, maybe?"
"Ernt, wrong! Try again."
"Hey! You! Who are you?" Yui asked from her flopped out position on the street.
"EVA-01 Beta. Nice to meet my namesake." He waved down at the machine.
"You're one of those Authors, right?"
"And your point?"
"YOU DID THIS! YOU GOT MY POOR SHINJI DRUNK! YOU GOT ME ALIVE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MONSTER! YOU TURNED MY EX-HUSBAND INTO AN ASSHOLE THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WHOLE OF REALITY HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE! YOU HAVE AN EVAN-FUCKING-GELION BARELY FUCKING TIEING THE PRIZE DRINKER OF JAPAN! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Yui stumbled to her feet, as her new S-2 Organ was still getting used to working properly, and did the classic 'This EVA is SSSOOO PISSED' flashing red eyes thing.
"For the record, your ex-husband was an asshole the likes of which the whole of reality has never seen before long before I met him. That was his own doing, I just applied it. Now, before you squish me like an insignifigant bug, I must adjurn to more 'entertaining' surroundings. Now, where's a god fandom with lots of hot chicks to hide in..." On que, the near invisible computer popped out of nowhere and provided a list of fandoms Beta had information on. Unit-01's hand grew steadily closer as he mummbled the names one by one.
"Hm... there's old BGC: T 2040... No, the only lady not hooked up at the end is 90% lesbian..." The crushing EVA hand was a long thirty feet away. "Gundam Wing... No, all the girls are fuckin' nasty..." Twenty. "Orphen... Yeah, right. Three words for ya', Beta: Asuka. In. Training." Ten feet as the fingures stretched out to take hold of the Evil One. "Escaflowne... OH, HELL NO!" Just as the fingure began to close, Yui's hand turned completely immobile, unable to open or close.
"What the Hell is this?!" the bioandroid bellored.
"I fused the armor plates and cut the neve receptors for the hand. You'll get 'em back when I exit stage right." He explained without even looking away, "Now, then... That'll work! Oh, My Goddess, here we come! Two beautiful young goddesses, with one more than 'available'! One piece of eye candy, one piece of ass! What more can a male ask for?" Beta began the jump calculations.
For no apparent reason, Beta stopped and stared at a particularly uninteresting open space. "Another of my kind comes..." he murmured as a black hole similar to his own appeared. "Only one? Can't be the Yakuza to kneecap me... No, no way in Hell! It can't be..., be... HER!"
Much to Beta's relief, the hand that exited the hole was about as far from manicured as was humanly possible. Instead, said hand was heavily armored, with some sort of opening at the wrist. "Protoss Zealot Armor. Oh, great! I can't even have a comedy hour by myself!" the Evil One groaned as he recognized the new arrival. "Hi, DZ. What can I do for ya'?"
"Where am I, exactly? I was cruising through the EVA Fandom, and the next thing I know, I'm here. Exactly where is here?" Deathzealot looked around nerviously before refocusing his attention on Beta.
"You've landed in my demented and pathetic excuse for a humor fic which comemerates my bailing out of EVA and trying my ACCing elsewhere. Somewhere where I can learn from the mistakes that have appairantly been made here and not have the 'Curse of Sterling' haunting me." was the almost automated response, like something you'd expect out of a history professor who looked old enough to be teaching from personal experience.
"Oh, hmm'k. Mind if I mess around a bit?" Deathzealot started cracking his knuckles. Said cracking was quickly followed by rather loud screams of pain.
"First of all, Rule #1 of Self-Insertion: you're not your avatar. You should remember that, DZ. To answer your question, you fuck with my fic and you're a dead man. Got it?" Beta arched an eyebrow when the response was not immediate.
"It's not like anyone in their right mind would have read this far. Lemme have a little fun!" DZ's StarCraft style Protoss H.U.D. appeared before him and he began to peck individual keys on the holographic keyboard underneath. Before Beta could further argue, a huge, lion-like mecha pounced onto the ground from Author-pseudospace, "One Lager-Zero to deal with that escaped Angel! And if the fighting gets too bad, I'll go back to Zoids and transform him into his Panzer mode! Joygasm!"
"ALRIGHT! I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! You wanna' send your pansy-ass Lager-Bitch&Zero after the Angel I have already gotten rid of? Fuck that! Yo, Aestivalis!" Another gateway from Author-pseudospace appeared, this one bearing five large single-color mechas, approximate in height to a RX-78 Gundam and ranging in color from medium blue to pink and red, "Why don't you all 'educate' that poor pile of shit as to what a real ass-kicking mecha can do, eh?" Beta then used his misguided Author powers to insert into the mind of Ryoko Saburu, one of the Aestivalis pilots, the image of the offending Lager-Zero being a major threat to Akito Tenkawa's life.
The following 'battle' (Which mostly consisted of a red blur mashing a white one into an incalcuably high number of incalcuably small pieces while all others present thanked God it's pilot wasn't after them) lasted about thirty whole seconds. A moment of silence was given to remember that incredibly dense machine that was the recipient of 'Ryoko's Wraith'. A mostly silent moment of silence, constantly interupted by DZ's sobbing and beggings of "Why? Why you, my dear Lager-Zero...?"
After ordering the Aestis' pilots to return to nonexistance and to take the remains of the defeated mecha with them, Beta turned his attention to the being damn fool enough to defy his will in his own fic. "Now, what to do with you, my highly malcontent friend..."
"Please don't hurt me..." Deathzealot whimpered.
"After all the times I asked you NOT to do something and you did it anyway? Oh, trust me, It's just a matter of choosing the right punishment... The punishment should always suit the crime..."
"I am so fucking dead..." DZ prepared for the end.
"Curse his body to the form of a dragon and require as a componant of his release the Sword of Beltanders? There is no Sword of Beltanders in this reality, so release would be impossible and the JSAF would take offence to another airborne object full of hot air, so, no..."
"May god have mercy on my soul..." DZ prayed.
"Throw him into a sealed room with the 17th. Angel... No, no human being deserves that..."
"Alah forgive my many transgressions..." DZ tried to cover all bases.
"Hmmmmm, trap him in a Type-17 Non-Lifeform? Too easy on him..." Beta sank into silent thought as Deathzealot continued spouting out prayers to the figureheads of every major world religion of past and present. Finally, it came to Beta as though in a vision, "Yurika!!!!"
"Eurika?! You've got an idea for my..., my punishment, then? So, what is it?" DZ almost begged, fear welling up in his throat and his stomach churning.
"That is your punishment, DZ, that is your punishment: Yurika!" Beta could almost hear Izumi Maki busting a gut in pseudospace at that one.
"Uh, care to explain?" DZ was quite purplexed.
"Captain Yurika Misumaru of the Nergal-owned Battleship Nadesico. She's simultaniously a man's greatest wish and worst nightmere come true: A woman you can't get to leave you alone, yet one that firmly refuses to bed with you prior to the ringing of the churchbells. A WOMAN WHO DOES THINGS THAT SHE'S DIRECTLY TOLD NOT TO DO! See any resemblance to certain other people we know, hm?"
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
"But first, as icing on the cake, choose your torture from the Nadesico 'Beachside Food Stand of Doom'," Beta announces as Uribatake's little shack appears for no reason on top of the highrise building, "and make it a good choice, as it will be one of the last non-toxic meals you'll get after Yurika attaches to you..."
"Wha..., What do you have?" Deathzealot was truely afraid of what he was going to hear.
"Can't you read the sign! That's what it's there for, you idiot!" Venting his anger at the stupidity of the situation on his first customer, the head technician began to sound almost mystical as he actually got around to answering said customer's question, "In the eternal tradition of the beach experience, I serve soggy ramen, overcooked hot dogs, and melty snowcones. Now, What'll it be?"
DZ chose what he felt would be the least dangerous of the three options, "Um, ramen, please..."
"Way wrong choice, ol' buddy, ol' pal. WAY wrong choice. Snowcone please." a rather maniacal smile could be seen on Beta's face as Seiya handed him the half-liquid 'icy' snack.
"Here ya go! Now, as for you: have a seat over there. Your ramen'll be ready in a minute." he ordered the soon to be condemned one to the barstools on the side as he went about his work. "Swish and swirl! Swish and swirl! And rinse!" He then tossed the noodles into a bowl and ladled in some beef flavored soup and handed said bowl to DZ with some chopsticks and commanded, "Now, eat it!"
"But, I can't use chopsticks!" the Protoss wannabe whined.
"THE USE OF CHOPSTICKS IS PART OF THE TRADITIONAL JAPANESE BEACH EXPERIENCE! A TRADITION THAT HAS EXISTED FOR OVER TWO HUNDREDS YEARS AND IS STILL GOING STRONG TODAY! THERE'S NO WAY I WILL RUIN SUCH AN EXPERIENCE THAT DATES BACK TO THE LATE 20TH. CENTURY FOR EVERYONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE GAIJIN NO BAKA CAN'T USE CHOPSTICKS! I MAY BE A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING HUSBAND AND A DEADBEAT FATHER, BUT I TAKE MY WORK VERY SERIOUSLY!"
"Um, this is the early 21st. century..."
"SHUT UP AND EAT!!!!!!"
Ye..., Yes, sir!" DZ simply used the chopsticks as a padle to scrape the food into his mouth, as though drinking the noodle soup. Upon siphoning the bowl dry, he tried hard to keep from vomiting it all back up, "That was the most disgusting food I've ever eaten..."
"And think," EVA-01 Beta said as he grabbed hold of DZ by the shoulders and nearly drug him over to the waiting portal, "A decade from now, and you'll be saying that was the best meal you've had in years. So you know, I've simply replace the name and image of Akito Tenkawa with your name and image in the mind of Ms. Misumaru. Rest assured, I shall enjoy every ounce of your suffering. Almost as much as Akatsuki will, as he now has two hopeless romantic men ancored, either by choice or by force, in the heart of his dream girl. Suffer." and so, Beta pushed DZ into what would become his own private Hell. "Now, on to more important things, like beating the Yakuza outta' here..." he mumbled as he resumed his calculations.
"Could you, uh, kinda' do me one eeensy little favor? Pretty please?" The city drunk begged.
"And that would be?"
"DIE!"
"No can do. Sorry." A beep kept at bay any further idiotic comments as his attention returned to the computer in front of him, "Adios, todas las personas. 'I'm off to see the Goddesses, the beautiful Goddesses of Asgard...'" Beta, as a final attempt to anger the whole of the universe in general and no one in particular, sequentially attempted to: rhyme, sing, and skip like a pre-teen girl towards the black hole that appeared before him. As soon as the last armored finger passed through the void, Unit-01 crashed forward and stablized against the building with it's clenched fist where Beta's void had been.
"DAMNIT! IT CONTINUES TO LIVE!!!!" Yui screamed in fustration at allowing the vile thing to escape.
"Relax. If there's Goddesses around whereever the
fuck he's going, they'll murder his ass on sight 'cuza' that fucked up
'Good vs. Evil' bullshit. ~hic~" Misato tried to console before passing
out again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While Major Katsuragi and Yui Ikari were slugging it out topside, the remaining crew of NERV (Commanded by Dr. Akagi, as: A. Commander Ikari was hiding in a room, cring like a little girl; B. Vice Commander Fuyutski had driven to the Matsushiru Air Base, stolen an F-18, and was last reportedly seen en route to Austrailia, screaming something that sounded like, "Shinji was right! Running away is GOOD!!!!"; and C. Misato was indesposed for obvious reasons.) tried to get things back in order. Near the end of the second day, the other two EVAs were recovered manually and their Entry Plugs removed. It took the rest of that day to get Rei to turn back into a fourteen-year-old, and the whole of the third day to finally sate Asuka's seemingly limitless appetite. With both of the female Children back in the near vicinity of normal and having no school to attend (all classes were canceled as every male resident of Tokyo-3 was hoping that the clash of titans on the surface would, like most public specticals that use large quantities of alcohol, include a wet T-shirt contest), they decided that a nice relaxing day in NERV's underground full-service spa was in order.
After a long, luxurious morning of massages and a couple hours in the sauna, the young ladies settled down for an extended stay in the hot tub. As they stretched out a bit a bit in opposite ends of the heated pool, Rei spoke, "Pilot Soryu, I wish to thank you for saving me in our last sortie. I appreciate your help."
"You never could just say thanks without a hour-long lecture on either side of it, could you?" Asuka asked, knowing how the question would throw the blue-haired girl off-balance, "And besides, isn't 'Pilot Soryu' a little formal, considering... us..., Rei?" An almost invisible grin spread on her face as she watched the effect of her comment take place.
"We,.. well,... yes,..., but you..., you said that if I were to refer to you as 'Asuka', this would arouse suspicion about,... about us..." Ayanami stumbled over her words as a bright crimson flush spread across her pale skin.
"Yes, well, I'm afraid the cat's outta' the bag on
that little secret. I kinda' over-reacted in the heat of the moment..."
Asuka admited her error with no small amount of difficulty I am the
Great Asuka Langly Soryu, Goddess Almighty over all that I deem to be Mine>,
and was starting to choke on the words a bit as a humorous little thought
entered her mind, "...Speaking of the 'heat of the moment', Rei, dear...,"
Between, Shinji, Rei, and her old boyfriend in Germany, there could be
no doubt that Asuka was truely the master of going in for the kill...
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"What the Hell is shit?!" Ritsuko screamed. Only ten minutes ago, she had entered the Commander's Office to speak with SEELE, and had flipped up the computer monitor in case someone needed to get a message through to her. Well, something a little less normal than that arrived instead.
Chairman Keel became concerned as to what could disturb this otherwise calm, cool, and collective woman so badly, "What the Hell is what?"
"This!" She shrieked, pointing at the computer screen.
"She means the transmission, Keel." one of the other Insrumentality Commitee members observed the obvious in a well-accented voice.
"Yes, well..., You see, the thing is..., Um, the funding provided by the U.N. is just nowhere's near enough to pay for the operation of NERV, and even the finacial power of we, SEELE, the most powerful people on Earth, pales in comparison to your incredible budget. So, we tapped into the most lucretive and profitable business in the world. Teen porn. Sales have really skyrocketed since those two went leisbo... Oh, baby, yesss.... Oh, uh..., meeting adjourned! See ya' later!" Keel could be seen lighting up a roach as his holographic image faded.
The rest of the Commitee vaporized shortly after that, leaving a traumatized Dr. Akagi slupmed into the Commander's chair when Maya arrived to give a status report. "Well, Major Katsuragi should awaken from her alcohol-induced coma in about three days, although we're not sure if she'll survive the hangover. The MAGI give a less then 10% chance... What's wrong, sempai?" The slightly glazed over look in the head scientist's eyes truely disturbed the Leuteinant.
"I can't figure out which is more revolting: the thought of Chairman Keel getting horny, or the fact that NERV is in the child pornography business." Ritsuko hadn't moved an inch since the live webcam had appeared.
"Well," Maya cooed as she sat on a corner of the
desk, getting dangerously close to poor Akagi in ways the blonde wasn't
she she appreciated, "Business is business, and business is good... You
know, I helped set up that cameras at Gendo's command, and was allowed
to watch the premiere release of Asuka and Rei together rght where I am
now. If you want, I could give a personal and highly interactive play-byplay
of the event..." Well, let's just say that Maya was a quick study with
photographic memory...
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"YES! I AM TRUELY THE MASTER OF ALL INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Kensuke laughed hystericly until his throat hurt, then waited until
for the soreness to die down before explaining his idiotic behavior, pointing
to all 23 monitors of his security system-like computer set-up.
"Thanks to my now full partner, PenPen, whose access
to the Katsuragi residence allowed the final piece of the puzzle to be
put into place, and my own superhuman hacking abilities, I now how the
power to sell entire video series of Asuka and Rei screwing each other's
brains out, be they, in NERV, at Rei's place, or Asuka's!! We are supream,
my dear pengiun, we are truely supream! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why? ~sob~ Why me? ~sob~ ~sob~ What did I ever do to you, God, WHAT? ~sob~" Gendo Ikari whimpered from his corner of the IB APB. Unlike on all prior occasions Bastard Ikari had requested something of Him, God actually sent one of his angels to convey His response. This angel's message was quite simple and to the point, and could have been delivered in a second or two except for the simple fact of who this angel was. He was the 17th. Angel, better known as Kouwaru, whose true name, regardless of what the Dead Sea Scrolls have to say on the subject, is the Angel of Homosexuality. As a result, Kouwaru wanted to give the most descriptive explaination of the Will of God that he could.
As he entered, the APB, every tech in the room, who remembered what their mothers had told them about men wearing Spandex ballerina garb, crawled on top of each other to try to get even farther away from both the freaks of nature.
"Gendo, Gendo, my dear! I have an answer to your question. Do you wish to hear it?" Kouwaru smiled sweetly.
"Are you going to keep calling me 'Gendo, dear'?" Even in church clothes, Ikari had his dignity in the presence of fagots like 'it'.
"Very well, I won't. ~sniff~" Kouwaru looked to be on the verge of tears, " But do you want to hear His answer?"
"Of course!"
"Here it is..." Kouwaru, the Fagotmaster, proceeds to strip Gendo of all clothing and ass rape him, "God's only aswer is 'Fuck you' and so I shall do as God demands!!!!!"
While some people would interpret that to be a rather
self-serving application of God's Will, no one else in the vicinity really
gave a flying rat's ass about that, as the poor, defenseless, trapped techicians
could do nothing more than claw their own eyes out with their bare
hands and rip the hair off their heads to plug their ears. As one such
devotee to insanitee searched for somewhere to place their now useless
and tainted eyeballs, he found a nice hole in the floor that had been covered
by a small hatch. As each man in turn dropped his alloted two eyes into
the hole, no one had the 'sight' to see the button marked 'APB System Activation'
that the organic orbs of jelly were bouncing harmlessly off of.
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"Well?" Evil-Looking FanFic Yakuza Dude Who Will Remain Nameless For My Own Safety, or ELFFY DWWRN FMOS, questioned with a severe note of impacience.
"Unknown, sir." Evil-Looking FanFic Yakuza Girl Who Will Remain Nameless For My Own Safety (ELFFY GWWRN FMOS) responded, "It would appear that he reset his Fandom jump coordinates in mid-jump. It's impossible to trace until he reappears else where. He can't resist writing more shitfics for long, and then we'll have him."
ELFFY DWWRN FMOS thought about it for a moment, then
admitted, "So long as he stays the Hell away from EVA, I'm content to let
him do whatever the fuck that dumb shit wants to. Whether my superiors
share my views, however, is questionable at best." After this rather unYakuza
comment, both of the business suit clad figures entered their voids to
the Yakuza Command Center...
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Post Story Author's Notes:
1. And so, this is it! I am abandoning the EVA fandom for a while in hopes of escape the wraith of the Yakuza! Fat chance, I know, but I must try!
My goodbyes:
To the various readers and reviewers of Neon Genesis Evangelion
FanFiction (Except the Yakuza; See below):
Continue your tradition of telling people the
way it is in a polite and cuortious manner!
To the FanFiction Yakuza:
AND SO, FUCK OFF TO YOU ALL, AND TO ALL A FUCKED UP LIFE!