She knew he saw her faltering around him.
She didn't know how she allowed this infatuation to get so out of hand. Her career in the Alliance always came first, but when she looked into his warm amber eyes, eyes that only seemed to sparkle when they spotted her, she found herself willing to throw that away. She wanted him, and the indecision, and her feelings about the two, they were choking her.
Hardly the first to attempt to win her heart, she gave him points for infiltrating the furthest. Did he even try, or did he simply blurt out the first thing on his mind? He was a company man; he should know what they could lose if they pursued this any further. She felt forced to act. She needed to stop her feelings for Kaidan from growing, and the quickest way she could think of was to tell him.
He was in his usual location in the mess hall. Seeing him by the computers, her heart sped up in its cage. She clenched her fists, angry at herself for allowing that sort of reaction, willing her heart rate to return to normal. He was just a man. This was her body, and she was still in control of it, not her heart.
He glanced up as she neared and beamed. "Shepard."
"Lieutenant."
Puzzlement crossed his face, but he didn't mention the shift from his name back to his rank. He stood up, wiping his hands on the back of his pants. "Is there something I can help you with, Commander?"
"Report to my office."
He snapped to attention and saluted. "Aye-aye, ma'am."
She led the way to her quarters. This wouldn't be weird, she had other crew members report to her office all the time. This would be the first time he was there, true. She tried not to think of how close her bed would be or how small of a gap it would be to close so that she could finally feel the press of his lips to hers.
The door swished shut behind them. "Have a seat, Lieutenant." She gestured to a nearby chair.
He remained standing. "Permission to speak freely, ma'am."
She sighed but nodded. He was being stubborn, and this was only the beginning of their conversation. "Go ahead."
He crossed his arms over his chest as he shifted to lean on one leg. "Am I in trouble, Shepard?"
"No."
"Did I do something wrong?"
She kept her gaze to the space above his head. She didn't want to look into his eyes, see what he held in his gaze for her. "What are we doing, Kaidan?"
His eyes widened as his arms fell to the side. "What?"
She moved her eyes down to his face, careful not to let anything show. "What is this between us?"
"Oh." His face fell, and he sank into the chair she had offered him. Hope flickered across his face. "If this is about the crew, they won't talk. They're your people."
"It's more than that. If anyone outside the ship found out…" She leaned against the wall. "I don't want to give up the Alliance for whatever is between us."
Confusion furrowed into his brows. "You don't have to."
"We're in the middle of a mission, and you're a damn good soldier, Alenko. They would transfer either of us if we gave them reason. This mission needs you."
He stood up and took a step toward her, smirking. "Admit it, Shepard. The mission isn't the only thing that needs me."
She smiled sheepish. "Maybe you're right, but I'm not going to jeopardize the mission for a fling." She tried to step back, but the wall blocked her path. She took a step to the left.
He frowned and took another step forward. She took another step left to keep the distance between them. "Is that all you think this is? A fling?"
She threw her hands up in exasperation. "I don't know what this is! I'm twenty-nine with no dating experience, so how should I know? Is it a fling? Is it something more? I can't afford either of those options right now." Realizing what she said, her face turned red with embarrassment.
He chuckled, another step forward. "You've never had a boyfriend before?"
She scowled. "Not the point."
He took another step forward. She stepped left, but she had reached the corner of her room, nowhere left to turn. He was only a foot away. "What do you want this to be?"
"It doesn't matter what I want this to be, because it can't."
Another step. "You're lying."
"I'm your commanding officer."
Another step. She could reach out and touch him, if she wanted. "I like this, what we have." A slight pause. "I like you."
She sucked in a deep breath, his confession taking her by surprise. "When we signed onto the Alliance, we swore we'd put them first. This mission needs to be all that matters." Another step. She could feel his breath on her lips. Her voice cracked as she added, "We're the only ones capable of handling Saren." His right hand reached around to the back of her head, cupping her neck as he leaned his forehead against hers. His biotics bristled along her skin, sending shivers along her body. Her resolve failing fast, she managed to choke out, "I can't."
"I know," he whispered, the exhale of his words brushing her skin. His other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her into him. "But we aren't breaking any regs right now. We're just… conversing."
"Conversing," she repeated, skepticism creeping into her voice.
"And when you're ready to press forward, I'll still be here." He chuckled. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Shepard."
She smiled and closed her eyes, taking in the feel of his body against hers, the biotics buzzing wherever he touched her. She wanted to close the gap between them, but she couldn't. She made a promise to the Alliance. For now, this would have to do.