This was written for Muggle Studies in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I had to write about whatever was directly to the left of me at the time, which happened to be my pen. I had a lot of fun with this…
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The Pen That Almost Killed The Minister For Magic
When Minister Bagnold retired, Cornelius Fudge honestly never expected to become Minister for Magic. He was just the head of the Department of Magical Catastrophes (which sounded a whole lot more glamourous than it actually was), and old Barty Crouch Senior was the respectable, normal choice.
However, Fudge quickly found himself supported by many general society figures of the time, the most notable being Lucius Malfoy, Abraxas Nott and Roger Crabbe. And they all wanted him for Minister, so why shouldn't he be Minister? Barty was going senile anyway.
He got more than he bargained for.
Old Bagnold had known exactly what he was doing when he retired in order to breed fancy Hippogriffs, as he was leaving behind a war-torn state in a state of nervous collapse. Fudge, when he entered his new office, found piles of paper everywhere, and the distinct smell of rotting cabbage.
The cabbage smell was coming from an overflowing bin, just behind the door. It seemed Bagnold was an old slob, as well as a chicken.
But Fudge couldn't seem scared of something as trivial as a bin, and so he cast a Nose-Blocker charm on his nose, closed his eyes, and picked up the bin between a forefinger and thumb. "Ah, Dolores?" He called to his young secretary, who came bustling through in next to no time at all. "Could you help me with this please?"
"But of course Minister." Dolores said, simpering, with a sickly smile. "Would you like me to hold it?"
"Thank you." Fudge said, passing the disgusting bin to Dolores, who held it as far away from her as she could without dropping it. Fudge hastily cast a cleaning charm, then took away his Nose-Blocker charm, as it was mighty annoying, breathing through his mouth all the time.
Dolores made to put the bin back on the floor, but then she uttered a small exclamation of surprise and slid one podgy hand into the depths. "There's something for you here Minister." She said, her many bangles clinking against each other as she passed the package to Fudge.
Her hand lingered next to his for a split second longer than it needed to, before she was gone. Fudge turned the package over in his palm, thanking the dead body of his late mother that it didn't smell of cabbage. There was a small note, attached to the underside of the brown paper:
Well Done Minister!
Love
Your Biggest Fans!
Fudge smiled, shaking his head. Teenagers nowadays, they were so ingenious. The handwriting was rather neat as well – maybe he wouldn't have to make Dumbledore create a handwriting class at Hogwarts, after all.
He ripped the paper open, rather greedily, and produced a lovely pen, jet-black, with the inscription 'York Railway Museum' on the silver pen lid. Fudge neither knew nor cared what 'York Railway Museum' was, he just cared about the fact that it was for him, and it looked rather expensive, at that.
Once he had cleared a space on the desk wide enough for a sheet of parchment, Fudge poised the pen right above the clean parchment, and wondered about what to write.
He could write a letter to Dumbledore. That would be good, as he didn't know what to do now he'd cleared the desk and office up, and he had a carving for the Muggle delicacy known as doughnuts.
He could finally sign the divorce papers for his wife (who had been sleeping with the Muggle milkman for three years, and had recently ran away with a gypsy farmer), but now he was Minister he couldn't afford the scandal.
He could…
Oh. His hand seemed to have written of its own accord, and in terrible handwriting to boot. Fudge tutted, and shook his head. He leant his head forward to decipher the handwriting. He jerked backwards, as if jolted.
Fudge smells like dog poo.
"That's not funny." Fudge said sternly, before remembering that it was a pen, and couldn't hear him. Then, once he dropped the pen, it hopped up on its own, and wrote something else on the parchment.
Fudge sucks.
"Unoriginal too." Fudge muttered, balling the paper up and throwing it into the bin that had housed the disgusting rotten cabbage before Dolores and him had cleared it out. "Right, what now. OW!"
Fudge swore, looking down at his arm. He jumped up, pushing his chair over, and tried to bat the pen off his arm, which was trying to stab him, apparently. "GET OFF ME!" He bellowed, forcefully pulling it off himself with his free arm, and throwing it through the window, which led to the corridor outside.
He ran over to the window, slamming it shut. Only then did he let himself breath. He had just been attacked by a cursed expensive pen. He'd nearly died at the hands of a cursed expensive pen.
"I must be going insane." Fudge sad to himself, before picking up a regular quill pen, and beginning to pen a letter to Dumbledore.
Dear Albus,
Today I was attacked by a killer pen…