Zoe sat on the edge of her bunk, the bottle of pills in her hand. She had stolen it from the infirmary yesterday. Three months ago, when the crew had stopped on some backwater moon to deliver mining supplies, her daughter had caught some kind of disease and died on Serenity. Her infant immune system simply couldn't fight it. Simon couldn't even fight it. She didn't blame him, soon she wouldn't be able to blame anyone. A year before her daughter died, her husband had died. Wash. She wouldn't have been able to live without Wash, but she had, for the sake of her baby. Now, she had nothing to live for. Mal could find a new first mate. She prayed that he wouldn't pick Jayne. She though of that old army saying. "When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't do that, find someone to carry you." Mal had carried her through the war, Wash had carried her through life. Even her daughter had carried her through Wash's death. Now she had no one to carry her. She could no longer support her own weight, even though she weighed next to nothing. She was lost in the dark. Even surrounded by crew members, she was alone. If her daughter and Wash couldn't live, she didn't want to either. She put down the bottle and picked up a pencil.
Mal, I'm sorry. I know this isn't the sort of thing for your Zoe to do. But this woman who you call your first mate, isn't your Zoe. I can't be strong anymore Mal. I just want it to end. You were a good friend, and a good person. I love you. Tell the rest of the crew that I love them too. Tell everyone that they were the best friends I could ever have had. I've just gotten so lonely. You know what they say..When you can't run... Yeah. You know how it goes. I just don't have anyone to carry me anymore. So that's why I'm saying goodbye. I love Serenity because she was my home. And I know that I'm not one to get spiritual, but Im gonna go to my true home now. You have to understand, I know what I'm doing. Goodbye Mal, Jayne, Kaylee, Inara, Simon, River. I'm sorry, but this time, I'll never see you again.
Zoe
Zoe looked at the bottle of pills. She didn't want to go that way. Not after being in the war for so long. She remembered what Mal had always said. "Someone out there is carrying a bullet for you. The trick is, to avoid it until you die of old age." Maybe she was still alive because she was carrying her own bullet. She pulled her small pistol out of her belt and looked at it. How many people had she killed with this thing? "I'm just gonna kill one more" she whispered. Zoe cocked the gun, and closed her eyes.
Mal heard the gunshot from up on the bridge. Intuitively, he knew it had come from Zoe's bunk. Ever since her daughter had died, his fears had been growing. He had been so happy when he found out Zoe was pregnant. Not so much because he loved kids, but because he knew Zoe would never give up her life with a baby to take care of. When her daughter died, all Mal's fears had returned. How could one person handle all that sorrow? How could God have let Wash die, and then let little Amber die too? Zoe was strong, but one person's inner strength could only stretch so far. Mal jogged down to the what had once been Wash and Zoe's bunk, but as he reached sliding door, he slowed down. Mal didn't want to see what was on the other side of it. In spite of his apprehensions, he took a deep breath and slid it open. It was sort of dusky inside the room. Dark enough to hide the hole in Zoe's head, but not dark enough to hide the blood staining the floor. "Zoe.." Mal whispered. How could this have happened? He knelt down to stroke her curly hair, and his eye fell upon the last words of Zoe Washburne. He picked it up and started reading aloud. "Mal, Im sorry.." His voice cracked, so he read the rest of it silently. When he had read the final sentence, he looked at Zoe and whispered, with tears in his eyes, "Zoe...we've all been carrying you...Why couldn't you see that?"