A/N: A quick, short one shot. Neela's thoughts about Ray before he leaves. Something that has been on my mind for a while now and I just kinda decided to put it down on paper because it does sound like something Roomie-ish, but it is a little AU. Writing is my coping tool. First bit is the lyrics to "Statue" by Low Millions.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Yada-yada-yada.
Without you I've been standing 'round you like a statue
Laying on the floor, thinking about you
I talk to myself like the crazies do
Otherwise I'm great, what about you, what about you?
You know, I think I just need to cry. It's just so frustrating that I can get him out of my mind and out of my heart and for some unexplained reason my soul screams out in need of him. Why?!? Even if he did give a damn, he would at least time the damn time to say "hi" instead of just bloody waving. Yeah, I feel just a little selfish wanting to talk to him and wanting him to actually spend sometime with us instead of with everybody else and their brother because they all know he's leaving in like less than a month.
I'm so pathetic!! Willing to stay up until some ungodly hour just to talk to him for maybe five minutes, and all the same, your staying up wasn't even worth it because he never showed up anyways. Maybe that's what love is. Doing all that you can just to make the most of almost nothing. Trying not to loose the friendship you have because he's leaving in less than a month and... you love him.
You've decided that the distance isn't going to stop you from loving him and at the same time you're trying to tell yourself that it's not worth all those tears at night. But all the time, you're tired of fighting it, tired of the denial and tired of saying that you don't really love him, that its just a one-sided infatuation(which it probably is, but its more) and he doesn't feel the same(which is also probably true).
And still there's that other side of you saying that you don't really know that's completely true and then the other side of you comes back defending itself by asking about all those times he turned you down whether you were asking or not because it would be slightly awkward because the two of you are best friends and maybe just wants to keep it that way.
And that other side doesn't know what else to say; doesn't have another thing to say to make it better. That's when all those "signs" begin to fade away and you stop considering them because "logically this shows that he could never really be into you."
And then there's the other people, friends that know and their answer for everything you question; "you never know." And then you're afraid to take that as an answer because then it means that you have to accept that you don't know, that you still might have a chance in the future, that you'll have to wait and see, and regardless of how many time you say you'll wait for him for eternity if you have to, that's still hard.
Anxiety starts to creep in and you hate having to wonder if it's ever going to happen; if happily ever after really happens, even though you're pretty sure it doesn't.
But one fact still remains: you love him. And even when you head is spinning with all those thoughts in your head, that's one thing you can hold to be true. You love him. Every night he visits you in your sleep and every early morning before the sun rises, you wake up and he's not there and in place of him and his memory are dried tear stains on your face. Because it never happened. But you love him. And you always will.
A/N: Sorry it's so short. That's just what has been keeping me up all night.