Always, your gentle smile guiding me home.
-
I awaken to an empty room. My heart flutters into my throat as I sit up, bleary eyes quickly locating your mat and blanket folded neatly in the corner. It is the same as always; and yet there is no reassurance in this routine, only fruitless repetition.
I let out a breath I wasn't aware I had been holding, and then smile a little to myself.
It's all so customary, but my heart still remembers to skip a beat every morning.
(wondering, fearing, churning sickness...Where are you?)
It's silly, I know.
You've been gone for at least a month now, probably longer. I'm not sure exactly. It feels like years since I last saw your face; you looking at me over your shoulder in that particular rurouni way. I close my eyes, slowly reopen them. You're still not there.
(What was I hoping for?)
The doorway feels empty without your figure blocking the soft morning light.
I sigh and look back down at my hands, where they grip futilely at the covers.
-
These fingers can never reach you completely...I'll just have to wait for you to take my hand.
-
The harbor is especially busy today. Cries of fish vendors and seagulls sound the same in my ears, but the loud bugle of the arriving steamship overpowers both. My eyes are drawn immediately to the dock, where dozens of men begin unloading the ship, which heaves a final sigh before shuddering to a halt.
Everywhere, sounds crashing in my ears. But I'm not listening for a cry...no, my eyes are searching for something else. A face. Somewhere, it could be anywhere. I'm not even sure where to look or how to begin.
My eyes flicker over the stories in all the faces that bustle past. Old fishermen faces thick and brown with the sun and sea. Young boy faces defiant of fate and not yet wise. Elderly women faces aching for stolen sons. Even the faces of a bickering couple pass me by.
So many faces, so many stories; you could be lost forever in them. I know your story, or at least I'd like to think so…but my eyes fail to catch a glimpse of the cross.
I stand for minutes, hours, I don't know how long, till my feet go numb, staring over the railing out to sea. You're out there somewhere. You have to be.
I wonder, what do other people see of me? Can they read my story? Our story? Do they know I am waiting for you? Or do they see just a lonely girl with tired eyes?
Well, it doesn't matter.
By now, the sun is setting, orange light glazing over the harbor. The crowd has thinned and only a few men remain, finishing up last-minute business.
I take a last look out at the sea, the waves tossing all the way to the horizon, to the ends of the earth, never ceasing. Forever restless.
Sometimes I like to think the waves are waiting for something, too, and that is why they can never be still.
-
I wonder, where are you now?
-
You left in the fall, I think. Winter has passed, and now spring is coming once again…
The sakura trees are beginning to blossom. When I awaken in the morning my nose catches the faintest scent of petals, like a spirit's sweet breath. I wish you were here to smell them.
Kenji decided to leave yesterday.
I won't lie; it's lonely here. I feel like an old lady awaiting her death.
Well, maybe that's just what I am…
But that sounds morbid, so I won't talk about it.
It is times like these that make me remember our old friends. You remember them, right? Sanosuke, Megumi-san, Misao-chan, Tae-san, Tsubame-chan, Yahiko-kun...
These feelings, though, they remind me of what you once told me. Of how each person will discover his own path, which he must take; and though the paths may converge for a while, there is a time when they must at last separate.
"No matter how lonely…it is a fact."
Thinking about these fateful resolutions lays a soft heaviness on my heart. Even now, the fireflies are settling in my memories.
I keep looking for the never-ending story. That's how it is in fairy tales, isn't it? The happily ever after that never ends. (And there are never any good-byes.)
But really, how long can our stories draw out? There must be an ending to us, "no matter how lonely"…each path taking us further from one another, till we can't see the sun setting on each other's faces.
Can we even choose who remains by our side?
I think of paths strewn with strong falling blossoms. And just as they fade with the spring, beneath the scuffling of feet, I've come to realize:
No, we can't…
Yet every goodbye never quite touches reality. It's all a dream, isn't it? It can't be real, for you must smile with me again (this time, from the bottom of your heart). That is what you promised. Or maybe what I imagined.
Yet the cloud still remains over the tossing sea; these waves will forever be restless, waiting for your return.
Until you come back the waves will never cease. And even then, my heart is turning for you.
First off, I haven't written in forever. I feel like my writing has changed a bit, and it's still not as easy for me to get into the writing groove. oh well.
secondly, I just finished reading rurouni kenshin post-kyoto manga + watched the second OVA, which was MAJORLY DEPRESSING (yet undeniably beautiful). cry cry. yeah...
thirdly, this is basically my first RK fic so...eh.