The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is on a billboard somewhere. Just a crazy idea I had while watching some old shows online for inspiration. Also I inserted a few 'guest stars' you might recognize!
The Billboard And The Buick
"All right this meeting of the Figgis Agency is now in session," Cyril spoke up. The entire gang was sitting around a table in a restaurant with a large bar in the background. There were a few pitchers of alcoholic drinks as well as several appetizers on the table.
"Question," Lana sighed. "Why are we having this meeting at the Spago Mexican Grille?"
"Uh kick ass margaritas?" Pam asked as she drank one.
"I was going to say that," Archer said.
"Me too," Krieger admitted as he took a drink.
"I think it's because the appetizers are really good," Ray said as he munched on one.
"Me too!" Krieger added.
"No, not because of those things," Cyril said. "Although I admit they are in the plus column."
"It's because the Spago Mexican Grille is a hot new trendy place where people can be seen," Mallory added. She was drinking scotch. "Being seen here could only increase our profile."
"Who is going to see us?" Lana asked. "The lunch rush is over! And it's a Monday! I've seen McDonald's more packed than this place."
"It's called a lull Lana," Archer told her as he took a drink. "It happens. Things will pick up soon."
"It's not because of that either," Cyril told him. "The being seen part. Not the lull thing. Honestly if I knew that I would have gotten a table earlier."
"Well then why are we here?" Lana asked in a frustrated tone.
"Because honestly it's cheaper to shut down the office for the afternoon a few times a week and have a meeting in a bar!" Cyril snapped.
"Don't care," Archer took a drink. "You had me at bar."
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"Me three," Krieger added.
"Me four," Pam took a drink.
"Me five!" Cheryl added.
"Ditto," Mallory shrugged as she took a drink of scotch.
"So what is this meeting about?" Lana let out a sigh.
"What do you think it's about Lana?" Cyril snapped. "The new season of Dancing with the Stars?"
"Yeah Lana!" Archer said. "Although I have to admit I am pleasantly surprised with this season's cast. Who knew so many football players could be so graceful?"
"I'm talking about getting business for our agency so we don't have to close it before we get a single client!" Cyril snapped. "So does anyone have anything to contribute?"
"Well…" Ray paused. "Michael Gray is no longer living in our break room."
"Mikey Mike moved out?" Archer asked. "When?"
"Sometime during the night," Ray shrugged. "According to his note he had a callback for a part in New York."
"That takes care of the good news portion of the meeting," Mallory sighed. "And now for stupid news. Take it away Cyril."
"It's not stupid to invest in advertising!" Cyril snapped.
"It is when you use a billboard overlooking a freeway that leads into the suburbs!" Mallory snapped.
"You know damn well the bigger ones closer to the inside of our city were outside our price range!" Cyril snapped.
"Still over seven thousand dollars down the drain for one lousy stupid billboard!" Mallory wailed.
"It's advertising!" Cyril protested.
"It's tacky! That's what it is!" Mallory challenged.
"Well as tacky as it is," Cyril gave Mallory a look. "It's how things are done here in LA!"
"I am aware of the social protocols of La La Land!" Mallory snapped. "Although I admit the words social protocols are a contradictory statement when it comes to this city! That's the only reason I paid for it!"
"What do you two know about life in LA?" Lana asked.
"Lana it's not that hard to learn about life in LA," Archer snorted. "There are tons of movies and TV shows based on this city."
"LA Law for example," Cyril spoke up.
"LA Story," Cheryl added.
"CHIPS," Archer added. "Dragnet. Adam 12. 77 Sunset Strip."
"Burke's Law," Cyril added.
"Beverly Hills 90210," Pam added. "The OC…"
"The Beverly Hillbillies," Ray spoke up. "And Fashion House!"
"Trust you to know those two," Mallory gave a disdainful look at Ray.
"City of Angels," Krieger spoke up. "Both versions."
"Dancing with the Stars," Archer added.
"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Them!" Krieger offered.
"NCIS Los Angeles," Cyril added.
"Gidget," Cheryl added.
"Two and a Half Men," Archer added.
"Boogie Nights," Ray added.
"The Brady Bunch!" Archer spoke up. "The Brady Bunch was set in LA! Well the suburbs but still…"
"Entourage and Episodes," Pam added. "And Californication!"
"The Fall Guy," Archer added. "Franklin and Bash, Hunter, MacGyver…"
"Malibu Country," Ray added. "Melrose Place…"
"Perry Mason," Cyril added. "The Rockford Files…"
"Remington Steele!" Archer added. "Starsky and Hutch…"
"Moonlighting," Krieger added. "White Heat!"
"Cybil…" Pam added. "Three's Company."
"Valley of the Dolls," Ray added. "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. A Star is Born!"
"Singin' in the Rain," Cyril added,
"Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song," Pam added.
"The Graduate," Archer added.
"Models Inc.," Cheryl added. "And all those other model shows…"
"Okay we get it!" Lana snapped. "You all watch a lot of TV!"
"It's Like, You Know…" Pam added.
"It's like you know what?" Mallory blinked.
"No I mean It's Like, You Know," Pam said.
"And again it's like you know what?" Mallory snapped annoyed.
"It's Like, You Know…" Pam began.
"No, I don't know!" Mallory interrupted. "That's why I'm asking!"
"She's talking about It's Like, You Know…" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"I don't know!" Mallory shouted.
"Third base!" Ray spoke up.
Mallory groaned. "When will I learn to never talk to you idiots? Because all you do is spout gibberish! I swear AJ makes more coherent sentences and she can't even talk yet!"
"Well she can say things like Ma-Ma and Da-Da…" Archer spoke up. "And yesterday I swear she said Blue-Boo. I think that's what she named one of her dolls. Or her bottle."
"Still makes more sense than most of you," Mallory glared. "And speaking of making sense where is my drink refill?"
"Have a margarita," Archer pointed. "There's two whole pitchers right there."
"I don't want a margarita! I want another scotch!" Mallory snapped. "Hello? Waiter! Waiter! What are they deaf?"
"No they're watching TV," Cheryl pointed to a large screen television. "And they're turning up the sound. Maybe they are deaf?"
"No they're watching some kind of car chase movie," Pam corrected.
"That's not a movie," Ray realized. "That's live TV!"
"You mean that's an actual car chase?" Cyril asked.
"Looks like it," Ray said. He winced. "Ooh! That's going to leave a mark."
The television screen cut to two news anchors sitting at a desk. In the corner the live feed of the car chase was showing.
"This is Grace Ryan…" The red haired female anchor spoke up.
"And I'm Harper Ellis…" The handsome male anchor added.
"Nobody cares who you are," Grace spoke up. "Our top news story this hour! There's a car chase in Los Angeles!"
"So is that a reason for nobody to get me a drink?" Mallory shouted. She was roundly ignored.
"Apparently it's this city's equivalent of a snow day," Ray shrugged.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory did a double take. "Every time there's a police chase on, everyone stops what they're doing and just watches?"
"Looks like," Archer pointed as the waiters and the bartenders ignored everyone and stared at the large screen. What few other customers there were didn't seem to care because they were watching too.
"Good god!" Mallory groaned. "If that happened in New York no one would get any work done!"
"I know," Archer snorted. "In New York there are car chases all the time! Hell I've had at least twenty that I can remember and only half of them involved the cops! And not even a mention in the newspaper!"
"That's because I was able to pay people off not to mention you back then!" Mallory snapped. "Or get arrested!"
"Wow look at that car go!" Pam whistled. "Is that a Buick?"
"Kind of hard to tell with all the scratches and the door falling off," Archer admitted. "But yeah. It looks like it."
SMASH!
"Okay now that door is completely off," Archer winced. "Hope it's under warranty."
"I hope the windshield of that other car it smashed into is under warranty," Cyril remarked.
"It is now revealed that driving the car is none other than Hollywood actor Beck Bristow," Harper spoke up. "Bristow as we all know was once one of the highest paid actors in Hollywood. Until a series of disastrous film choices, his cocaine binges and shoot out with a monkey."
"In other words you and that has been Bristow have a lot in common," Grace said cheerfully.
"Look who's calling who a has been," Harper said icily.
"At least I was never kicked off a show for trying to poison my cohost," Grace remarked. "Although I am severely tempted…"
"I didn't bring in those cream puffs and the judge cleared me of all charges and everyone knows it!" Harper snapped. "Hawkins was just looking for an excuse to get rid of me because my ratings were higher than his! He was threatened by me!"
"Yeah with a tire iron in his dressing room," Grace quipped.
"Wow these guys are a lot of fun," Archer chuckled. "I should watch the news more often."
"We are now able to tell you how this chase started," Grace went on. "It all began when Bristow had an altercation with some fans at a comic convention over his huge flop Tinfins. After punching seven people Bristow stopped to sign some autographs for local security then went to his hotel room."
Grace continued. "There Bristow was confronted by an IRS agent who claimed that Bristow owed seven million dollars in back taxes. Bristow argued that his money was stolen by his pool guy, AKA…That Black Dude…"
"Oh yeah that will narrow it down," Harper rolled his eyes.
"He also claimed the alleged embezzler was also a scientist cyborg with twelve doctorate degrees he picked up from an underwater sea lab," Grace said. "Clearly Bristow was intoxicated. As well as violent as he threw the IRS agent out of his hotel room into the pool below."
"Krieger…" Archer gave the scientist a look. "Do you know anything about this?"
"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Krieger played innocent. "Nope, nope, nope, nope…"
"Bristow also attacked two bellhops, a concierge and a prostitute before leaving the hotel. But the final straw before his rampage was when he went to Spago and lit up a cigarette," Grace went on. "Twelve police cars were immediately called to the scene."
"You may have a point about California being a fascist state," Ray said to Mallory.
"I called it a socialist liberal backwater," Mallory corrected. "Not fascist."
"Bristow punched out a few police officers that tried to apprehend him before taking off in his classic 1965 black Buick Skylark," Grace went on.
"You called it," Cheryl said to Pam.
"Can we backtrack to the cyborg mentioned in the news not even ten seconds ago?" Archer snapped.
"Archer, Bristow was obviously plastered out of his freaking mind!" Pam snapped. "I mean come on! A black scientist cyborg from an undersea lab working as a pool guy? Seriously?"
"Yeah even Krieger doesn't know people that weird," Ray added.
"Said the gay hillbilly former spy/Olympic athlete/disgraced minister cyborg with a black hand and a leather fetish," Mallory rolled her eyes.
"I look good in leather," Ray defended.
"He does," Krieger shrugged. "He really does."
"Gotta give it to him," Archer admitted.
"About the leather or the black cyborg scientist pool guy?" Cheryl was confused.
"Both I guess," Archer shrugged.
"Whoa! Now that guy sideswiped another car while driving down the wrong lane!" Pam whistled. "This is getting good!"
"Ugh! It's just a car chase!" Lana groaned. "I'm sure the police will stop it soon."
Two hours later…
"All right I admit these margaritas are pretty kick ass," Mallory hiccupped. She looked slightly tipsy. Everyone was still watching the police chase.
"So's this police chase," Krieger nodded. "So what are we up to?"
"Well we're up to thirteen hit and runs," Cyril looked at a sheet of paper. "Two counts of driving down the wrong way street. Speeding and resisting arrest obviously. Hitting a mail truck…That's a federal offense right there. Causing three different collisions. Road rage. Reckless driving. Drunk driving. Endangering pedestrians on the sidewalk. At least five counts of destruction of private property. At least fifteen counts of leaving the scene of a crime. And one accidental death of a poodle."
"So a charge of poodle-cide?" Pam quipped.
"Technically animal cruelty and another charge of destruction of personal property," Cyril corrected. "So that brings the charges of destruction of private property up to six. And littering."
"Littering?" Ray asked.
"He left his door and half his tires on the highway so…" Cyril shrugged.
"Wow. I can see why people out here find these things addictive," Archer admitted.
"Not half as addictive as these margaritas," Mallory grinned as she downed another one. "I tell you this is a pretty damn good substitute for scotch."
"Is your mother going to be okay?" Lana asked. "The last time I saw her this tipsy was before she ran over some people in San Marcos."
"She's fine," Archer waved. "The buzz will wear off soon enough. Right now she's in a happy place so let her enjoy it. And let us enjoy this car chase."
"It's running a lot longer than I thought. I was so sure that third nail strip would have at least slowed him down," Lana remarked.
"Wow that car really rides well riding on rims," Archer blinked.
"Look at the sparks!" Cheryl jumped up and down with glee.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And those sparks just ignited a bush on some guy's lawn," Pam blinked.
"Okay so now we can add arson to the charges," Cyril wrote it down.
"Well he is in a residential area now," Archer remarked. "That's gotta be some kind of offense."
"Depends on the state and county," Cyril explained.
"Now he set fire to some guy's lawn! AWESOME!" Cheryl jumped up and down.
"The state is in a severe drought," Ray explained. "I'd be surprised if the whole damn neighborhood doesn't burn to the ground."
"Ooh there goes another mailbox!" Krieger winced.
"Time to take another drink!" Mallory did so. "Hey we're running low on margaritas here! Come on bitches! How am I supposed to enjoy my car chase without my margaritas!"
"I tell you one thing," Cyril chuckled. "I feel sorry for Bristow's lawyer. Whoever he is."
Meanwhile at 4220 Arroyo Canyon Road….
"BRISTOW YOU IGNORANT BASTARD JUST PULL OVER!" Alan Shapiro screamed at the television. "YOU ARE THE REASON I MOSTLY DO DIVORCES NOW!"
He groaned and lay on the couch. "I knew I should have dropped the bastard as a client years ago after his first divorce! But nooooo! The money back then was too good! Well very good. It paid for half this house and some of my cars. But still…"
Then Shapiro's cell phone rang. "Gee I wonder who could be calling now?" He groaned as he went to pick it up.
Shapiro's face frowned as he answered. "Alan Shapiro…Sid! Why am I not surprised? Of course I'm watching it! This is LA! Everybody is watching it! There are kids in school that aren't learning anything because their teachers are too busy watching the damn chase!"
"What? No! Sid you know the protocol for these things! No negotiations for movie rights until after the car chase! You know that!"
Shapiro frowned. "Well I don't know. I was thinking maybe Chris Helmsworth or Chris Pratt as the lead. Depends if Bristow balloons up again like he did after Tinfins. Yeah I know. I told him not to make that movie. Well obviously Chris Pratt is buff now! But you know actors they can change weight for any role."
"Oh great!" Shapiro groaned. "He just took out another mailbox! And ran over another dog! Okay I think it's safe to say we can forget about any A-listers doing this role. We may have to go to cable. Eh I dunno about Lifetime. Not really our market. What's the guy version of Lifetime again?"
Shapiro thought. "I guess if Ian Zerling agrees to dye his hair for the role it might be doable. Twelve percent is good but I think we can do better…Sid. I did your last two divorces for you. I know you can afford higher than that."
"Since when are you worried about a script Sid? This is a true life mental breakdown car chase movie! The whole damn thing writes itself!"
"That offer is a joke Sid!" Shapiro snapped. "Don't play hardball with me you hack! I know things about you! You think you can tie my balls around my neck and call it a necktie? I know where the bodies are figuratively buried! At least in your case. Twenty percent of the gross or I shop around to someone else! Fifteen then! Deal! I mean…after the car chase is over of course."
Shapiro watched a bit. "Okay see. Right there. That cop that's now riding on the hood of Bristow's car! We're going to have to find at least a B-List actor to play him! Okay he's off now. Maybe get someone higher to do a cameo? What's George doing these days?"
Back at the Spago Mexican Grille…
"Is it me or did that cop riding the hood of the car look a lot like George Clooney?" Pam asked.
"How could you tell?" Archer asked. "He was only on for like twelve seconds!"
"Why didn't this actor guy just take the cop hostage?" Cheryl pouted. "Not only would that give him leverage he could use the car pool lane!"
"Oh sure, take a cop hostage in LA!" Pam scoffed. "Why doesn't he just swallow a couple of live grenades while he's at it?"
"I don't think he's going to be at it much longer," Cyril realized. "He's going down a dead end straight into…"
CRASH!
"Oh my God!" Harper was heard shouting. "Beck Bristow has just crashed into and destroyed a billboard! He's trapped! The car chase is over! The car chase is over!"
"Hold on…" Cyril did a double take. "Is that…?"
"No…" Mallory blinked as the alcoholic haze she was in began to lift. "It can't be…"
"Can you make out what billboard he crashed into?" Grace asked.
"I'm not sure," Harper said. "Based on the letters remaining it's something called the Fay-gency? Or is it Fagency? Oh wait it's Fay-gency! Beck Barstow has destroyed the Fay-gency Billboard!"
"Fay-gency?" Archer did a double take. "Ray is that a word?"
"Not one we use among straight people," Ray admitted.
"IT'S FIGGIS AGENCY!" Cyril shouted. "FIGGIS AGENCY! NOT FAY-GENCY! YOU IDIOTS!"
"And another one of Cyril's ideas bites the dust!" Archer laughed. "Literally and figuratively. I love it when that happens!"
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"OH MY GOD!" Mallory shouted. "Seven thousand dollars down the drain!"
"More like downtown and across the street," Pam remarked.
"It was the Buick that killed the Billboard!" Krieger quipped.
"Good one," Archer remarked.
"This is just what happened on It's Like, You Know…" Cheryl whistled.
"Oh let's not start that again!" Mallory shouted. "Seven thousand dollars! FOR NOTHING!"
"Well if they figure out that the billboard said Figgis Agency instead of…That other word," Lana said weakly. "We might get some publicity."
"Not the kind we want!" Mallory yelled.
"Wow," Pam laughed. "I mean wow! For once Ms. Archer your scheme got derailed by someone else instead of us!"
"It's like God giving us a freebie..." Cheryl laughed.
"Like the universe is conspiring against you," Ray smirked.
"It certainly feels that way sometimes!" Mallory shouted. "SINCE I'M STUCK WITH YOU IDIOTS!"
"Look at the bright side," Cheryl said cheerfully. "We wasted all afternoon in a restaurant getting drunk. And you're paying for everything. And I mean everything. Including the billboard that you paid for. And for once we didn't do anything to it! Isn't that funny?"
"Hilarious Cheryl," Cyril groaned.
"I hate this city so much…" Mallory's eye twitched.