Murky Grey

This story breaks with canon in season 4 of Buffy.

Prologue: Part I

She wasn't just tired. She felt tired of being tired. Carefully removing her jacket, Buffy walked to the mirror. The cut on her brow wasn't much. It stung and dribbled, but it wasn't deep enough to need stitches, and the pain reminded her what was real. She needed that.

Just a few nights before, she stood in front of Angel. Even though they fought, she couldn't help but feel in those moments that she'd entered her life again. His presence, his voice, the emotions he stirred felt so familiar . . . like home. But that feeling wasn't her life. Her life was this: an empty dorm room and an even emptier first aid kit.

Taking a deep breath she looked in the mirror and tried to feel strong. She'd have to tell Riley about Forest. She knew the news would destroy something inside him, but she hoped it would leave something behind. He was all she had right now. Somehow, she needed to keep him from falling apart. Until Adam was destroyed and the initiative was finished, they needed to be strong. Looking at her reflection, she realized she did feel at home in this life . . . she just didn't like her home.

She heard a knock on the door. Expecting Riley to be on the other side, she took a deep breath. Just the thought of the conversation ahead made her nauseous. Grinding her teeth, she took another breath before opening the door.

"Angel." None of her deep breaths had prepared her for this.

Oddly, he looked as surprised as she felt. "Hi, can I come in?"

Her head throbbed and she felt more exhausted than before. "I guess."

"Uh, I need a little more than that."

"Oh, umm." She opened the door wider. "Come in."

She closed it behind him and slowly turned to face him.

"You're hurt." His eyes darted to her cut.

She shrugged. "I'll live." She wanted him to tell her why he was here. Seeing him fidget a bit, she decided to talk first. "Look, if you're here for an apology, I'm sorry. Coming to your town, saying those things - I shouldn't have."

Eyes widening, he tripped over his words. "I d-didn't come here for an apology." He shook his head. "Well, no, I did. I mean, I came here to give one. I was just trying . . . I was trying to make things easier."

He looked so irritated with himself and given their recent drama, she couldn't help but smile. The sneaky smile turned into a chuckle without her noticing. Angel smiled too. Their lives always bordered on the ridiculous; this time was no different.

Angel laughed quietly, "Heh, well, it went pretty well, don't you think?"

She leaned back against the desk. "Swell."

"You know, seriously, I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you – I came to apologize. I . . . I had no right." His smile looked so warm and his brown eyes so familiar.

Her thoughts sobered her smile, "You weren't entirely wrong. What I said in L.A. -we don't' live in each others' worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments."

He looked down. "I'm still sorry."

Closing her eyes, she let those words wash over her. "Thank you."

When she opened her eyes, she saw him about to speak. She wanted to linger with him, but she couldn't. She spoke first. "I'm sorry I don't have more time. I have to go give some hard news to my main ally and then me and him gotta find a way to gut a big Frankesteiny thing."

Straightening up at the change of topic, he frowned, "What about your friends and Giles?"

She a bit more against the desk allowing herself a moment's rest. "You're not the only one who found a shiny new life." Looking at the ground, she murmured, "Not that I blame them. I would too if I could."

Moving on with life was good. Just because not everyone had better things ahead didn't mean they should hold back those who did.

If it was possible, his eyes grew warmer. "Is there anything I can do?"

This was their limit. This was as far or as close as their time together should go. Pulling herself up a bit, she replied, "Honestly. . . I think the best thing you can do right now is—"

He nodded his understanding. "Okay." She moved toward the door then turned around, "It means a lot that you came."

He nodded again; she smiled, but no more words were exchanged. He left the room and met her eyes before walking down the hall. She didn't turn away or close her eyes. Instead, she stayed in the moment and watched the distance between them grow. He disappeared and she walked back inside. Both returned to their lives.

Under the stars, they leaned on each other. Behind them stood an old willow; before them: a grave.

"The funeral was ... it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about."

Behind her, he murmured, "What's tomorrow?"

"That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I ... I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom."

"Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes."

She looked at her hands. "And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because ... I'm so strong."

He looked at her hands too. "You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that."

She shook her head. "Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires, but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, just what to say."

"Yeah." He murmured," you'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but..."

She frowned. "I don't know. I keep thinking about it . . . when I found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier."

He gently prodded, "You said they told you it wouldn't have made a difference."

"They said 'probably' wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they said was 'probably' . . . I haven't told that to anyone."

"Doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different."

She wanted to disagree with him, but more than that, she wanted to believe him. She felt sixteen again bringing her problems to this strong, wise man. She turned so she could look at him. Moments passed as she stared at him.

He hooked a tendril of hair behind her ear, "What is it?"

"Your look exactly the same." She continued, "Reminds me of simpler times -worrying about prom, and friends, keeping you here. I miss that."

He caressed her hair . "I'm not sure those count as simpler times."

She met his eyes. "I just buried my mom. I'll take boy troubles and a giant snake any day."

He nodded in his familiar Angel-way.

"You told me then how fast it would go. I get it now."

His frown turned concerned. "You still have a whole life ahead of you."

"I don't know what I have ahead of me."

Gently, he took her hands in his. "Whatever it is, you don't have to face it alone. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy, and you have people that care about you."

After a moment, she nodded. "Dawn."

"Yes, Dawn and-"

"Spike."

"Spike?"

She almost smiled at his confused scowl. "He's been helping out -helped take care of mom and Dawn, even moved in to be around more." She shrugged a little.

He gave her hand a soft squeeze, "He doesn't have a soul."

"I know." She nodded sadly. "Dawn thinks of him as a big brother, but I know he's just a temporary ally - at most a friend."

His grip on her hand tightened, "You know he's not capable of love. You can't trust him."

She met his concern with resignation. "I already have. I've entrusted him with the most important thing in my life: my family, and he's hasn't let me down."

Realizing this was an argument he wasn't going to win, he sighed, "Just be careful."

"I will."

But Buffy's thoughts no longer sought the past; instead, they felt pulled towards the future. She looked at the sky. "It's gonna be light soon."

He made her more secure in her arms. "I can stay in town as long as you want me."

She snuggled in enjoying the warmth they'd created. "How's forever? Does forever work for you?"

Sitting up, she turned to look at him. She'd felt him stiffen and immediately felt contrite, "That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now."

Instead of pulling away though, he continued to hold her close. "Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it."

Maybe he could. Leaning in, she kissed him softly, hopefully. He responded and all too soon their gentle kiss grew passionate. They both pulled away breathing hard.

Buffy looked down. "I told you." Hearing his sigh, she continued, "You better go."
He looked just as regretful about their situation. "I'm sorry."

She didn't want his apologies or his regret. "No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel." The firmness in her voice made him meet her eyes."I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night."

He might not be able to take away her pain, but at least, he could do this. He could help her through these few moment. Looking up at the sky, he sighed again, "Well, we still have a few more minutes until I have to go."

She couldn't bring herself to smile, so she settled for snuggling back into his chest. "Good."

She clenched a part of his coat sleeve in her hand. "Good."

She didn't think of wishes or regrets. She didn't think of anything. She reveled in his touch, appreciated the warmth between them, and let this moment with him just be.