Authors' (plural intended) Notes: This is a G1 fic that takes place about 7 years before the movie, hence not everyone is in the place they were (Earth vs. Cybertron vs. any of Cybertron's moons) that they were in the movie. We based it solely on the US cartoon version of the series because that's the one we like (and know) the best.
And yes, we had entirely too much fun.
We hope you like it.
A Day in the Life
by Hoshikage and K. Stonham
"Hi guys!" the black-and-silver Autobot called as he stepped off the shuttle.
Hot Rod gave him an inquisitive glance. He looked familiar, sort of... maybe it was the face. He wandered over as Sunstreaker stared at him. "Don't I know you?" the yellow Autobot asked.
The newcomer's grin broadened. "Don't recognize me, huh? I'm Windrider!"
Sunstreaker's jaw dropped. Hot Rod stared. "Windrider?"
He nodded proudly. "Yup!"
"But - but you're a plane," Sunstreaker protested. There was no sign of an aerial mode in Windrider's design now.
"Yeah, well, I decided it was time for a change, y'know? And we get to pick our own Earth modes these days. Speaking of which, look what I picked! It's so cool!" He transformed, and Hot Rod and Sunstreaker found themselves staring at a vintage 1937 Ford.
"Has anyone ever told you that you're insane?" Sunstreaker asked, but it had the ring of a rhetorical question.
"Yup!" Windrider answered happily, and drove off toward the main Autobot headquarters. "I'm off to report for duty, guys! Catch you later!"
Hot Rod looked at Sunstreaker, who shook his head. "He always did have a few chips loose..."
Megatron was in a very bad mood.
He stormed around the hallways, giving anyone who passed him his trademarked Death Glare. This was simply intolerable. There hadn't been any Autobots poking their noses out of their holes for... He counted the astroseconds in his head. After a while he managed to come up with the Earth conversion because it sounded so much better when making sweeping statements. Two weeks! Two whole weeks without a battle!
Yes, this was simply intolerable. He wanted to blow up some Autobots in the worst way. And aside from that, he was bored out of his mind. Even Starscream wasn't providing any amusement by trying to take over. Maybe the Death Glare had scared him off.
Starscream was no fun when he had a sense of self-preservation, Megatron grumbled to himself.
He turned around and stormed toward the exit. "Decepticons!" he shouted. "Come with me! We go to slaughter Autobots!"
In his lab, Starscream looked up at the radio. He knew that tone. "Aww, is poor Meggy having a bad day?" he muttered sarcastically.
"Hey there," Springer greeted Hot Rod as the red-and-yellow Autobot walked up.
"Hey, have you seen that new guy... Windrider?" Hot Rod asked.
"Oh, the weird one? Yeah, he came and reported to Prime and then left. Prime told him to go out and familiarize himself with Earth terrain."
"Darn, I could have shown him the best racing roads," Hot Rod said with a grin.
"Weren't you supposed to help out Perceptor today?" Springer asked pointedly.
Hot Rod groaned. "Did you have to remind me? He's gonna talk my audio receptors off."
Springer gestured to the mess of metal and wiring that he was working on. "Count yourself lucky. I have to get this thing finished by 1500."
"What is it?" Hot Rod asked, looking at the object curiously.
Springer sighed. "That's the problem, I have no idea."
Hot Rod snickered. Springer glared at him. "Wheeljack dumped it on me, okay?"
They both looked up as a yell from a doorway attracted their attention. Wheeljack waved at them. "Springer, do you think you could get that Portaflangeometerthingotron done by 1300 instead? Thanks!" He disappeared again. Springer sighed.
"Guess I should leave you to it, kemosabe," Hot Rod said with a grin.
Springer bent over the machine. "Sure. Abandon me. Leave me to the tender mercies of Wheeljack and his diabolical broken tron things. Everyone's against me..."
"Been taking Overacting 101, have you?"
"It's not easy being green..." Springer started to sing woefully.
Hot Rod whacked him in the back of the head. "You shut up!" He transformed as Springer made a grab for him and raced off, laughing.
"No respect," Springer said with a grin.
Kup peeked his head around the corner, saw Hot Rod driving away, and grimaced. "Tell me about it. Now Windrider - you seen his vehicle mode? Now there's someone with a respect for the classics."
Springer kept his mouth shut while Kup walked away, but as soon as the old Autobot was out of earshot, he collapsed on the thingotron laughing.
It promptly blew up, covering him in soot.
Optimus Prime stopped and glanced around a corner as he heard two voices singing decidedly different lyrics to the same song. Jazz was working on a computer panel, listening to his radio, although he did not seem to be following the lyrics very closely.
"Don't sing that song, that achy breaky song, the most annoying song I know..." He looked up. "Hey Prime! Almost got this circuit fixed, and then the Dinobots can watch TV again."
"Good job, Jazz." He meant it. The Dinobots without their daily dose of the Muppet Show and Animaniacs did not bear thinking about. He just wished they would stop repeating Fozzie Bear's "great" jokes to everyone within earshot...
"TV fixed yet?" Grimlock asked from the door.
"Almost done, big guy," Jazz said with a wave.
Grimlock snarled at the radio. "Don't like Achy song!"
Jazz turned back toward the open panel. "Me neither, that's why I sing the Weird Al version. If you sing that song, that achy breaky song, I might blow up my radio..."
When Grimlock started to join in, Optimus decided he wasn't really needed on the scene and beat a hasty retreat.
Cliffjumper heard hysterical laughter and peeked around a rock. "What in the name of Cybertron are you three doing?" he demanded.
Hound, Bumblebee and Mirage were laughing like total loons, lying in a tangled pile of arms and legs. Hound squirmed free and waved, pointing to some kind of blanket with colored dots painted on it. "It's this human game called Twister. Want to play?"
"Isn't that one of those wind-funnel things that tears up the ground?" Cliffjumper said, totally confused. "Why would they name a game after it?"
"No, no," Bumblebee said. "It's like this!"
As he finished explaining the rules, Cliffjumper looked at the blanket skeptically. "Well... I guess I could try it once."
"There," Springer muttered, holding out the thingotron. It looked like a vaguely sphere-shaped conglomeration of parts, held together mostly by duct tape. Great stuff the humans invented, sometimes. He'd managed to get most of the soot off his skin, too. And it was 1300 hours. He grinned.
"Hey Wheeljack," he called, and then turned as he saw movement. Hot Rod staggered against the wall, muttering to himself. Springer reached out with his free hand. "Yo, Rod! You okay?"
"Whoo," Hot Rod muttered, and added something about reflective qualities of sensor coils. Springer stared at his dazed friend.
"Rod, for Primus' sake, you didn't actually listen to Perceptor, did you?" he demanded.
Hot Rod looked up at him plaintively. "My head hurts," he moaned.
"You did. I'm surprised your audio receptors didn't burn out. Geez, don't you have any common sense?" Springer kicked Wheeljack's door and handed the thingotron to the surprised scientist when the lab door opened. "Have fun, Wheeljack. Roddy here could use a visit to the repair bay, so I hope you don't need me for anything else..."
"Uh, no, that's fine," Wheeljack said, looking at his invention with what Springer decided was probably horror. He'd probably never be asked to fix anything of Wheeljack's again. He tried to keep himself from grinning at the thought.
His curiosity finally prompted him to ask the question he'd been wondering for hours of working on the thingotron. "Wheeljack, what does that thing do, anyway?"
"Err... well, probably nothing," Wheeljack admitted shamefacedly, then hurriedly closed the door.
"Was that before or after I got to it, I wonder?" Springer muttered, and half-dragged the still-mumbling Hot Rod toward the repair bay. "Come on kid, you're gonna need some circuits replaced. Don't you know that even Prime doesn't listen to Perceptor?"
"I'm never gonna be that stupid again," Hot Rod groaned, rubbing his head.
"Sure you will. And we'll remind you about it for the rest of your life. After all, what are friends for?" Springer said cheerfully.
"Gee, thanks..." Hot Rod muttered.
"What in the name of Cybertron are you guys doing?"
"Twister!" Cliffjumper replied enthusiastically. "Want to play?"
"Erm..." Silverbolt said uncertainly. "Are you sure it's safe?"
"Look, Silverbolt, no heights are involved. Now do you want to play or not?"
Silverbolt scratched his head. "Well, I'm off-duty..."
"It's fun!" Hound called from his position somewhere at the bottom of the pile.
Silverbolt shrugged. "Okay, I'll try anything once..."
"Starscream, Soundwave, Blitzwing... Which one are you again?" Megatron asked the blue jet.
"Thundercracker," the jet said with a sigh of resignation, by now long used to the fact that no one could keep his and Skywarp's colors straight, not even his leader.
"Thundercracker, Skywarp... Which one are you?"
"Ramjet," the gray jet sighed, looking at his near-identical blue twin Dirge.
"Right. Ramjet, Dirge... Where in the name of the Energon Tower is Astrotrain?"
"Ah, he's off romancing his monorail friend again," Skywarp said.
"What?" Megatron shouted.
"Err... Astrotrain fell in love with a monorail," Skywarp repeated.
Megatron slapped his forehead. "I'm surrounded by morons..."
"What in the name of Cybertron are you guys doing?"
"It's called Twister, Skyfire," Silverbolt called, grinning like a fool (or a Dinobot for that matter). "Want to play?"
"But he'll crush me!" Bumblebee complained from somewhere in the middle of the pile.
Skyfire looked in bemusement at the pile of Autobots. "What if I promise to be real careful? I think I want to try this..."
"Hey, there's always room for more," Cliffjumper said. "Ow, Hound, can you move your foot?"
"Uh... no."
"Damn."
"Look what Sludge found!" Sludge cried excitedly, brandishing a little plastic thing as he stomped into the TV room.
"What that?" Grimlock wanted to know, looking up from the screen where two mice were discussing world domination.
"Brain much better leader than Megatron," Swoop said, and all the Dinobots agreed seriously.
"Sludge find videotape! Dinosaur videotape!"
"Godzilla?" Grimlock said excitedly. He loved Godzilla movies.
"No no, much better! Have all us Dinos in it!" Sludge pushed the tape in, and they all settled down to watch as the credits came up on the screen.
The Land Before Time
They watched the baby dinosaurs raptly.
"Cute!" Slag declared.
Hot Rod lay moaning on the examination table, causing First Aid to look at him worriedly. "What in Primus' name did you do to yourself? I don't see any damage..."
"It's all in his head... literally," Springer replied with a grin. "He made the mistake of listening to Perceptor."
"Do you have to rub it in?" Hot Rod wailed.
"Actually, yes," Springer replied as cheerfully as ever.
First Aid looked at Hot Rod, stricken. "You're going to need new audio receptor circuits," he said with the certain tone of someone who has seen this exact injury many times before.
Ratchet rummaged in a drawer, muttering "Why is it people never learn?"
"Do we have any left, Ratchet?" First Aid asked.
"I'm not sure, Prime might have used up our supply..."
"I thought you said Prime doesn't listen to Perceptor," Hot Rod accused Springer.
"No more than he has to," Springer said. "But he has to get him to report what he's been doing sometimes..."
"I don't ever wanna be leader," Hot Rod moaned. "I never want to have to listen to Perceptor again!"
"Found some," Ratchet said with relief. "And we'll probably have to do something about all that technobabble in your short-term memory circuits, too."
"You can get rid of it?" Hot Rod said in relief. "Thank Primus! I was going crazy!"
"What do you mean 'going'?" Springer asked, still grinning, then hastily left the repair bay as Hot Rod swatted at him from the table. He left the medics to their work and rounded a corner, staring in total shock at what he saw.
"What in the name of Cybertron are you guys doing?"
"Aww, come on, honey," Astrotrain said, leaning casually on the monorail track. "No need to give me the cold shoulder..."
"Whoo-hoo!" Jazz yelled, pouring on the speed as he raced down the road away from Autobot headquarters. "Free at last! And man is it a great day to be functioning!" He turned up his radio and just barely avoided a head-on collision with Windrider as he peeled around a corner. He transformed and tripped over his own feet, landing with a crash in the middle of the road.
"Jazz, you okay?" Spike shouted from the inside of the vintage car.
Jazz picked himself up. "Yeah, sure... but for the record, you never saw that, okay?"
"Heaven forbid you should lose style points," Spike said with a grin.
"Crash? What crash?" Windrider said innocently.
"You got it," Jazz said, and transformed and peeled out again. As Windrider started driving back to the Autobot base, he snickered and started to play an Earth song he'd heard on the radio.
Spike burst out laughing as the song "Dare to Be Stupid" filled the car's interior.
"All done," First Aid said, closing a panel on the side of Hot Rod's head. "Just don't go doing that again. It's bad enough we have to replace Prime's circuits once a month."
"No problem," Hot Rod said fervently, sitting up. First Aid put his tools away, since there wasn't anyone else waiting for repairs, and went outside with Hot Rod and Ratchet. They were just in time to witness Windrider's grand entrance as he glided into Autobot Headquarters, opened his doors to allow the Witwickys to climb out, and then transformed, brandishing a piece of paper with a huge grin on his face.
"I love this planet!" he cried happily. "I won!"
"Won what?" First Aid said in confusion.
"Spike took me to an antique car show, and I won!"
Hot Rod looked at Spike. "You didn't."
Spike looked embarrassed. "How was I to know he'd enter himself?"
Carly smiled. "Oh, why ruin his fun?" she asked.
"It was cool!" Five-year-old Daniel declared. "The judges were too scared to try and take the prize back!"
"Hey Sunstreaker!" Windrider was calling as he started off in another direction. "Look! I won!"
There was a moment of silence as Sunstreaker inspected the prize. Finally he handed it back, shaking his head. "You are so weird..."
"Hey guys..." Windrider said, turning a corner. As he vanished from view, First Aid turned away. He thought he heard Windrider yell from somewhere behind him, "Cool! Can I play too?"
Hot Rod stared. "What in the name of Cybertron..."
"...are you guys doing, yeah we know," Skyfire said with a grin.
Windrider had enthusiastically jumped right into the pile, naturally. Hot Rod gaped at the tangled mess of Autobots. "Well... what are you doing?"
"It's called Twister," Springer called. "Want to play?"
Hot Rod blinked, then turned as Optimus Prime came up behind him, apparently having just stumbled onto the scene. "What in the name of Cybertron..." Prime demanded in a stunned tone, his optics filled with disbelief.
"...are you guys doing?" chorused the piled-up Autobots.
Still bemused, Prime asked, "Was there an accident?"
"Twenty-car pileup!" Windrider yelled.
"And plane," Silverbolt added.
Prime blinked. "Should I call First Aid and Ratchet?"
"Nah, don't bother," Hound said.
"They're party poopers," Cliffjumper added.
"We're playing an Earth game called Twister," Bumblebee finally told the very confused Prime.
"It's fun!" Skyfire said.
"Want to play, Prime?" Windrider asked eagerly.
Prime looked at the pile, glanced at Hot Rod, who just shrugged and jumped in, and then looked over his shoulder as if searching for someone to come and rescue him. When no one appeared, he turned back to the pile. "Uhh... sorry, I have to go finish the reports."
"All work and no play makes Prime a dull Autobot!" someone called from the middle of the pile somewhere. Hot Rod couldn't quite make out who, and Prime probably couldn't either. "Left foot red!" the same voice called out, and Hot Rod yelped as Silverbolt landed on top of him, making sure that he was not going to escape from this game anytime soon...
"This is stupid," Starscream muttered just loud enough that everyone could hear him. "If I were the leader, we would have destroyed the Autobots long ago!"
"What was that, Starscream?" Megatron asked, pointing his fusion cannon in Starscream's direction.
Having some sense of self-preservation, Starscream immediately began groveling. "Nothing at all, mighty Megatron. Nothing at all..."
"Oh, yeah right," Thundercracker muttered.
"Soundwave, would you care to replay Starscream's remark for the rest of us to enjoy his boundless wisdom?" Megatron asked.
Starscream made a very interesting noise and considered retiring to the Bahamas for the rest of his existence.
"Affirmative, Megatron," Soundwave replied flatly, and replayed Starscream's complaining.
"Your originality never ceases to amaze me, Starscream," Megatron said icily.
"As if we don't hear him say that about twenty times a day," Skywarp muttered.
"Now you see, this is why you will never rule," Megatron started to lecture, turning his head to look back at Starscream as they flew. "You continue to insist on your superiority, but never actually demonstrate it. Whereas I--"
"Megatron--" Soundwave started.
"How dare you interrupt me! I'm making a point!"
"But Megatron--" Skywarp added.
"Silence!"
"Megatron, watch out for that--"
Megatron slammed straight into the trunk of a rather impressive pine and got wedged between the branches.
"--tree," Thundercracker finished lamely.
"The Land Before Time" was over, and the Dinobots were watching cartoons again.
"Me like Airazor," Swoop said, raptly watching the screen. "She pretty."
"Megatron even more stupid as Dino than real Megatron," Grimlock said. "Me much better Dino than him."
"Rattrap stupid," Slag said. "Me eat him."
"Can't, he in TV," Sludge said. "You stupid."
"Dumb velo-verla-eva-enveloraptor-thing stole our name!" Snarl complained. "What we do?"
Grimlock scratched his head. "What humans do when someone steal stuff?"
"Sue," Swoop said helpfully. "We sue?"
All complaints were forgotten as Optimus Primal unfolded a massive amount of weaponry on the screen, yelling "All right! WHO WANTS SOME?!"
The Dinobots stared at the screen, jaws dropping. "Cool!" Sludge finally declared.
"Me Grimlock wish Prime do that..."
"You know, I think this might be getting just a little out of hand."
"Hot Rod! Get your spoiler out of my face!"
"Right hand green!"
"There's green down there?"
"Hey, Springer's green, does he count?"
"Grab Springer!"
"HEY! Get your hands off me!"
"Hey Springer, I bet you wish Arcee was doing this..."
"SHUT UP!"
"Whoo!" Jazz hit the ground again with a bounce, skidding around another pothole. Man, he loved this road. Nobody ever drove on it, so he'd never get stopped by a cop, and it had enough bumps that he got air time to boot. And since he was way better built than an Earth car, it didn't even scrape his undercarriage. "You're so fine," he sang along with his radio. "You're so fine you blow my mind..."
The song switched, and Jazz merrily started singing, "I'm too sexy for my car... hey, wait a minute!"
He jounced over a pothole as large as he was and stopped short. He engaged his long-distance sensors, unsure at first if those specks in the air were from dust. "Whoops. Nope, guess not," he said as Megatron's snarling face filled his entire view. "Yow! Extreme close-up!"
Spinning on his wheels, he scrambled around and headed back toward the Ark at top speed, already radioing ahead. "Yo, Prime! Major bad-day alert! Party crashers at 6 o'clock and closing in!"
"Decepticons?" Prowl asked.
"No man, they're Avon ladies," Jazz said sarcastically from the radio. "Come on, Prowl, who else would they be?"
"He has a point, Prowl," Sideswipe said with a snicker.
Prowl looked embarrassed. "Well, err..."
Optimus Prime rescued him from losing any more face. "Autobots, to battle stations!" he ordered over the intercom. "Decepticons closing in!"
There was a pause.
"Uh-oh," a chorus of voices came from the direction of the Twister game.
"I'm stuck!"
"Ow, Skyfire, you're too heavy!"
"Who's got my foot?!"
"That's your foot?"
"Wait, where's my foot?"
"I knew this was a bad idea!"
Optimus Prime stood at the edge of the mass of tangled Autobots and buried his face in his hands.
"Uh, we'll be with you in a minute, Prime," Hot Rod said.
"Come on guys, you can do it!" Daniel cheered from the sidelines.
Windrider actually managed to crawl free of the mob, then stood up and posed. "Yes! I am the Chosen One!"
"I told you he was crazy," Sunstreaker said, shaking his head.
"Um, could you get the rest of us out of here maybe?" Springer asked, hopelessly buried somewhere between Silverbolt and Cliffjumper.
"Oh, sure," Windrider said, as if the idea hadn't occurred to him. "No problem." He applied himself enthusiastically to untangling Autobot limbs.
"Wow, he does have his uses," Cliffjumper said as he landed unexpectedly on the ground outside the pile.
Within three minutes, the tangled web of Autobots was completely unwoven, although no one was quite sure how. "How did you do that?" Hound asked.
Windrider looked puzzled. "What, you guys were really stuck?"
Everyone stared at him, and then looked guiltily at Optimus Prime as he made a sound somewhat like laughter. Then he attempted to sound stern. "Can this wait until after the Decepticons have been routed?" he asked dryly.
"Uh, sure, Prime." The Autobots scattered.
"Where's my gun?"
"I get the first shot!"
"Megatron's mine!"
"You and what army?"
"You guys!"
"Oh, yeah."
"Where's my fuzzy dice? I can't go into battle without my fuzzy dice!"
Optimus Prime shook his head, then smiled and went after his own gun. On the way, he ran into the Dinobots, who for some reason demanded to know if he was going to blow his top and chase down Megatron with a bazooka...
Jazz whipped around the corner at top speed, Decepticons in full pursuit, their laser fire peppering the road just behind his rear bumper. "Eat my dust, Decepti-creeps!" he yelled out and started burning some serious rubber.
"Hold still, Autobot!" Megatron shouted angrily, unable to get a fix on Jazz.
Starscream snickered. "What's the matter, Megatron, can't hit a moving target?" he inquired.
"You test my patience, Starscream... You're moving, perhaps I should make you a target!"
"Jazz to the Ark, I'm coming in, bogeys hot on my tail!"
"'Bogeys'?" Prowl asked.
"Prowl, you need to learn some jargon, okay?" Sideswipe said.
"I'll put it on my to-do list," Prowl replied, not taking his optics from the screen.
"Autobots, open fire as soon as the Decepticons are in range," Prime ordered over the com channel.
"As if we'd do anything else," Brawn muttered to himself.
"I assume we're not supposed to hit Jazz?" Windrider asked with a smirk.
"Man, yes I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your fire off my tail - I'm gettin' enough out here as it is!" Jazz replied.
"Just checking," Windrider sang back.
"Weird, weird, weird..." Sunstreaker mumbled like a mantra.
Wheeljack poked his head out the door of his lab. "What's the commotion about?" he asked.
"It's raining laser fire out here, and you're asking what the commotion's about?" Cliffjumper demanded. "Take three guesses!"
"Oh." Wheeljack paused for a second. "Let me see if I have any inventions that might prove useful, in that case."
"You do that, Wheeljack," Prime gave his approval.
"Prime, the repair bay is ready," First Aid reported.
"We ain't gonna need it," Ironhide replied. "You might want to keep a few spaces open for them Decepti-losers, though..."
"You want those filthy Decepticons in our repair bay?" Sunstreaker demanded incredulously over the channel.
"I say let 'em rust," Brawn agreed.
"HEY! You guys gonna start firing on these Decepticons any time soon?" Jazz demanded. "I'm tired of having my tail fried here!"
"Oh, yeah, they are in range, aren't they?" Air Raid asked, sounding bemused, just as he launched himself into the air.
"Cool your intake valves, Jazz, we're covering you," Bumblebee added, opening fire on the flying Decepticons.
"Hey, man, I'm cool, but these guys aren't!" Jazz yelped as one particular laser bolt came a little too close for his comfort.
"Less talk and more firing, please!" Springer said from where he was laying down shots towards the Decepticons below him.
"Ravage, Laserbeak, eject: Operation Destruction," Soundwave said, releasing two of his cassettes into the air. They transformed into a panther and a hawk in mid-air and immediately began harassing those Autobots who were outside the Ark defending it.
"Hey, Soundwave, why don't you fight your own battles?" the human, Spike Witwicky, called contemptuously as he fired on the aerial Laserbeak.
In response, Soundwave ejected his other two cassettes. "Rumble, Frenzy, eject: Operation Termination."
"Note for future reference that provoking Soundwave is not a good idea!" Hot Rod yelled to Spike.
"You have a real grasp of the obvious, lad," Kup retorted as one of his shots found their mark on Rumble. "Got the grill-crackin' punk!"
"Oh yeah?" Rumble replied. His arms changed into pile-drivers. "Try this on for size, old man!"
"Oh no you don't!" Hot Rod yelled and opened merciless fire on Rumble.
"All right, Rod!" Jazz called out as he screeched into the complex and transformed, opening fire on the Decepticons. "Never could stand Rumble, myself..."
"Now what did this do?" Wheeljack wondered as he looked at another one of the innumerable inventions that littered his lab. He pressed one of the buttons on it and was rewarded with a light show. "Ah, now I remember. Don't think that'd be of much use, though."
An impact caused the room to vibrate slightly, and the messily-assembled Portaflangeometerthingotron Springer had finished trying to repair for him earlier fell on Wheeljack's head. He picked it up as it bounced onto the ground and looked at it. "I wonder..."
Megatron aimed his cannon at Brawn's head. "And now, Autobot, it is time for you to die!" he hissed.
"Bite me, Megajerk!" Brawn yelled in response, firing a barrage of orange laser fire.
Megatron missed. Brawn did not. With an angry yell, Megatron plunged from the sky, tried to correct, flipped over and landed in a mud puddle. As he dragged himself out of the muck, he heard the Autobots laughing at him, and Optimus Prime commenting, "Right where you belong, Megatron."
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" he screamed.
Hovering above, Starscream smirked. "Oh, so we can leave you to it? After all, I'd hate to ruin your fun."
"SHUT UP AND KILL THEM!!"
"Oh, if you insist--WAUGH!" Starscream plummeted from the sky as orange lasers ripped through his tailfins. "Ow! Ow! My foot!"
"Yo, Screamer! Anyone ever tell you you talk too much?" Springer laughed as he shot away from his successful strafing run.
"I'll get you for this, Autobot!" Starscream threatened.
"Tell it to my attorney!"
"Don't give them ideas!" Silverbolt shouted. "The last thing we need is a lawsuit... lawyers are worse than Decepticons!"
"How dare you say that any mere human is worse than us?" Skywarp shouted.
"Uh, Skywarp, are you sure you mean that?" Thundercracker asked.
"Megatron, we have you outnumbered and outgunned!" Prime shouted. "Give in, you're fighting a hopeless battle!"
"NEVER!" Megatron yowled, and fired at Prime's head. Prime, having no desire to get blown up, ducked, and the shot went straight into the rock wall.
An astrosecond later, a howl of rage emerged from the interior of the Ark. There was a pause as the Autobots and Decepticons alike stared at the crashed spaceship, wondering what kind of horrible beast had made that noise. They found out a moment later as the five Dinobots stormed out of the Ark and headed straight for the Decepticons, breathing fire and raging mad.
"You make American Maid go away!" Slag cried.
"ME GRIMLOCK NO LIKE YOU!!"
The Autobots prudently got out of the way and let the Dinobots have free reign over the battle.
Wheeljack made the last minute adjustment to the Portaflangeometerthingotron and picked it up. "Perfect!" He opened his door and ran outside. "Prime! I've got just the thing!"
Optimus Prime turned to look at him, fairly certain it was safe since the panicked Decepticons had their hands quite full with the rampaging Dinobots. "Yes, Wheeljack, what is it?"
"It's the Portaflangeometerthingotron," Wheeljack said helpfully.
Prime gave him a blank look. Over the radio Springer muttered, "Oh, not that blasted thing again!"
"I'll need Jazz's help to get it working," Wheeljack said. "And you and the other Autobots may have to turn off your audio receptors briefly."
Having no desire to damage his audio receptors any more than he already did, Prime agreed readily. He called Jazz over and issued his orders to the other Autobots, telling them to stay behind cover while the thingotron did its work.
"I'm here, Wheeljack," Jazz said, screeching to a halt. "What can I do for you, my man?"
"Hook this up to your external speakers, and then play the most annoying Earth song you can think of," Wheeljack said. "It should beam directly into the Decepticons' audio receptors."
"Already done," Jazz replied, extending his speakers from his roof to allow Wheeljack to hook up the wiring. "Now what song... Hey, I got it!"
"Turn off your audio receptors, everyone!" Prime ordered over the Autobot channel.
"Why?" Windrider asked. "Earth songs can't be that bad..."
"Hey, I warned ya," Jazz said, and turned off his own audio receptors and started to play "Achy Breaky Heart" at the top of his volume.
The Decepticons yelled and hollered, but Megatron shouted, "Decepticons! We cannot allow them to defeat us!" They kept firing.
"Huh. Stubborn, aren't they?" Jazz said, and switched to the ultimate weapon.
"It's a small world after all..."
"Hey, I like this song," Windrider said in confusion, and started singing along. "It's a small world after all..."
"NO!" Megatron screamed. "Not that! Anything but that! Decepticons, retreat!" He led the frantic scramble as the Decepticons fled in chaos.
Sunstreaker looked at Windrider, who was still singing along. "You are so weird..." he announced yet again.
Windrider smiled happily as he sat with the Dinobots, watching cartoons and apparently enjoying them as much as they did. Prime smiled and turned away. Windrider would do a good job of keeping the Dinobots under control and pacified, he had the feeling. It was a rare Autobot who could manage that.
"Prime, what is with Windrider?" Cliffjumper asked, also looking into the television room. "I don't mean to be critical, but Windrider wouldn't exactly be my first choice to drag into a battle zone..."
"Windrider has unique skills," Prime replied. "He may not seem like it, but he's an excellent problem-solver and fighter."
"The problem," Sunstreaker commented, "is that he has no idea how he does it. And he is so weird..."
"Why are you so freaked out by him, anyway?" Cliffjumper asked.
"You try being stuck on a mission to an empty planet with Windrider for two weeks!" Sunstreaker defended. "He drove me absolutely batty!"
"I can tell," Hot Rod said.
As Sunstreaker swatted at the younger robot, Wheeljack wandered in, the thingotron in his hand. "Springer," he said, "what did you do to the Portaflangeometerthingotron? It works great!"
Springer's eyes widened and he took a step back in fear. "Oh no you don't," he said. "You're not getting me to fix any more of your inventions, Wheeljack!"
Wheeljack looked hurt. "Are you sure? It sort of burned out after one use and I was hoping you could..."
With a yell of frustration, Springer transformed into helicopter mode and shot out of the Ark, nearly clipping Kup in the process. The old robot ducked and yelled imprecations at the fleeing Autobot, shaking his fist in the air. "...as bad as Hot Rod!" he finished angrily.
Hot Rod grinned. "Aw, Kup, and here I thought I was your Number One annoyance..."
"You are," Kup growled.
"Well, hey, we won," Hound said.
"So who's complaining?" Brawn wanted to know.
Hound grinned and held up a small box. "So I was wondering, anyone want to play a game of Scrabble?"
"Um, mighty Megatron, we're starting to run out of replacement audio receptors," Scrapper said.
"AUGH!" Starscream wailed, clutching his hands to his head. "I can't get rid of that song! It won't stop playing!"
"Who's left for repairs?" Megatron asked with a scowl, ignoring the moaning and complaining that Starscream had been doing ever since they got back.
"Just Starscream and Soundwave... but we've only got one set left."
"Fix Soundwave."
"But mighty Megatron," Starscream whined.
Megatron smiled evilly. "This should teach you to try and make a fool of me, Starscream. I consider it a completely appropriate punishment."
Starscream bawled like a baby at that point.
"Yeah, but what have the rest of us done to deserve this?" Scrapper muttered, leaving the room as Starscream clung to Megatron's feet and kissed them repeatedly to try and cultivate some spark of mercy on the part of his leader. Megatron just stood there and grinned.
--The End--
Return of Son of Authors' Notes II, The Revenge: At the time we wrote this, there was another Autobot named Windrider out there. This was entirely unintentional, as we did not discover this until after our fic was finished. :) Also, Windrider's line "I am the Chosen One!" is in reference to the Mortal Kombat movie, and not the Transformer Chosen One thing (since we all know who that is, Mr. I-never-wanna-be-leader...)
Rodimus: Shut up already...