I've been always living in the darkness having just little light that radiated of me, my little insignificant self. But it was enough for me to go on. The light was bigger when I played guitar, sung or wrote lyrics and I could live like that. But deep in my soul I knew that I was desperately searching for someone radiant who would chase the darkness away and brought me to the light completely. The darkness was loneliness. I thought I can manage just by myself. But nobody can be alone. Even I wanted to find someone who would be here just for me. But I was only the nice but not interesting person you would know about just in case you needed something.
I know what you think. I am famous how could this be that I felt lonely even though there was so many people around me and I felt being in the darkness even though I was living in the spotlight? Well when all this mess around me started I was feeling better and thought I will have many friends and I won't be alone anymore. But in no time I realized they don't see me but the famous singer. They saw just my body and voice not caring about my personality and even about the meanings behind my songs.
Well I found few people I liked among stuff but I was still missing something. Someone who would understand me, someone shining...but I lost hope that someone like that exists some place else than in my fantasy. And then I met Him.
It was in TV show. I was invited to Utaban as a rising star and I had no clue with who I was going to be on. I was first on turn. That meant lots of question and tasks and I knew I won't like many of them. I was right.
I was sitting between Ishibashi and Nakai. First questions were alright but I knew it won't take long before they'll come with something cruel.
"Hey Hyde do you have a girlfriend? You are so cute it would be shame to be single right?" asked Ishibashi suddenly and I was really grateful that my habit of blushing every time something like this is mentioned has disappeared when I started to play in front of people.
"In fact...I do not. I did not meet a girl I would like yet," I said with a nervous smile. Good that I used to wear sunglasses because it made me feel somehow hidden.
"That is certainly sad. What if we helped you with that? We could teach you how to get one."
I didn't like this idea at all. But I saw no escape. I just laughed along with Nakai as if I did not mind.
Nakai picked cute girl whose face turned totally red. She was obviously happy but nervous. She stared at the floor as if she was afraid to look at me because I could kill her with my eyes.
"So now...show us how do you ask her for a date," said Ishibashi with a grin and I could see how he enjoys my suffering. I came to the girl and tried to look in her face but she wouldn't look at me. She was really cute but I would not pick her as my girlfriend. In fact I would not pick any girl I met till now.
"Hi...I was wondering if you..." I started but Nakai pushed me away so I could not continue.
"Dame...totally wrong. You scare her you see? You are no good," he shook his head with a serious look on his face.
"I think he needs a teacher...someone who is really good at this..."
I did not like the evil grin on Ishibashi's face at all. I knew this is going to be really bad.
"I understand now...let's give him proper lesson from professional...Gackto-san?!" called Nakai some name which sounded little familiar to me.
Well yes...that time I did not know Gackt even though he was certainly more famous than I was. But all of that fuss around him started really a little bit later.
As I saw him I could not say a word even though I am sure he greeted me properly. He was like an angel...no god. And he...he shone. Yes...around him was so bright light...I don't know why he made me feel so amused. His hair was just like my but he was much taller. He was slender and elegant like a panther and even his look was look of a hunting predator even though he had blue sunglasses so I couldn't really see his eyes. But his smile was enough. It looked dangerous yet so beautiful that in that moment I wanted to touch his lips. This thought scared me and I tried to look someplace else but I just couldn't. My eyes were drawn to him like a moth is drawn to the light.
"Are you alright?" he asked me when I was finally able to return to reality. I felt so small shadowed by his light.
"Yeah I am sorry..."
I felt so stupid. I kept telling myself that he is just one of those cocky stars who see nobody except themselves and that he is not worth my attention. But it was no use.
I realized they were talking all the time I was thinking so I looked around to see what the situation is like. The girl was gone. I was really relieved. Just for a while because Ishibashi would not send her away if it did not mean he found better way of torturing me.
"So now...I should ask Hyde for a date so he knew how to do it right?" asked Gackt. Nakai and Ishibashi nodded with a smile. Now I did not expect this. But I was prepared to go through it. I had to.
Gackt came to me so close I could feel his breath and slowly ran his fingers through my hair. Then he touched my face lightly and I shivered.
"You're beautiful my Hyde...I want you...I want to touch you...hold you...kiss you...will you let me do that?" he whispered to my ear. His lips were almost touching my skin. My head's gone blank and he needed just few seconds to manage to do that.
"Yes..." I whispered back before I realized what is going on. I said this to a guy...and I did not see this as a game...I meant it. That scared me so much that I started to tremble. But the feeling of his breath on my neck still turned me on. I had no clue what's happening with me. I did not undertand.
"I'll wait for you outside after the show ok?" he asked. His voice was so gentle that I felt calm again. I really wanted to hear him sing. I was so confused that I just nodded in agreement.
"You see? That's how you do it," he told me with a smile. Of course...It was just a game to please Ishibashi and Nakai... For him it was just a game. How easy it was to make me shiver to make me feel like I had bunch of butterflies inside. I did not understand that feeling back than but I knew I'll never forget him.
"I'd rather practice playing guitar than hitting on girls," I answered with a light smile. He was making me feel comfortable even though I felt so insignificant next to him.
He smiled at me.
Rest of the show Gackt protected me. Yes really. Every time Ishibashi or Nakai tried to ask me a question I did not like or to give me some painful task Gackt said or did something that immediately shut them up. He was beating them up and I saw how afraid of him they are. I was really grateful and I admired him more and more.
Then the time came when I could finally really hear his voice. He sang Vanilla his first single as I heard. His voice was so beautiful...It was like a warm hand comforting me and taking me to another world. My mind was someplace else...it left the studio on wings of Gackt's song. I wanted him to sing more. To sing for me and with me but I knew it is impossible. His song ended as well as the show did and I was condemned to leave him, his light, his charming smile and magic voice. I felt as lonely as I never did before.
When I was leaving the studio to pick up my stuff so I could go home I suddenly felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see...Gackt of course. Back than I could not believe it and I didn't have a clue why would he bother to talk to me.
"Don't run away from me ok? Don't forget we agreed on a date," he smiled and walked away. I was watching him totally confused till I lost sight of him.
He really meant it? I did not know what to do. I did not want to date him but I wanted to be close to him. I was afraid yet happy but I knew he probably just joked. But the hope was still here and I was prepared to not let go of it.