A/N I heard this song, And So it Goes by Billy Joel a few weeks ago and have been trying to come up with a way to use it in a story and today it finally hit me how to work it in. Just remember folks, that none of these people or songs belong to me or that there is in no chance that they ever will.
The video on YouTube for the song. post to address bar, remove spaces and enjoy!
h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = g c A c s B b n Q x E & f e a t u r e = r e l a t e d
I have replace a few words to make the song fit here. Hope I don't get in trouble or make anybody mad.
It has been a long time coming, almost four years really and now she finally has come to the decision the Richard Castle is to be her "One and done", if only he will have her. She reflects on her last appointment with Dr. Burke. He suggested that if she really wants this, wants Castle, she has to tell him that she heard him confess his love for her when she was shot. If she keeps this inside her any longer, it could ruin any chance of ever mending her heart and moving on. From what she has told Dr. Burke about Castle, he feels that Rick is a very remarkable man and if he has waited for her this long, he probably will be mad, hurt, upset but he might just forgive her and let her into his life. That is the good news. The bad news is that he can be so hurt and mad, that there is no fixing what they had or could have had, but he will finally know and she is no longer holding it inside, to let it go finally. That way they can both move on with their lives. She knows it goes deeper than that for her. She now knows, well, probably has known for a long time but refused to admit it to herself, that if he does not forgive her, does not want her in his life, than life to her has no meaning anymore. She cannot, WILL not ever open herself and let someone in like she has Castle, it just hurts too much and too much will be destroyed. It is time to move on with her life, the new life she wants to live where her mom's murder is not the driving force but a life with Rick Castle, Alexis and Martha and hopefully one day some baby Castles.
She feels now is the time. She remembers that Castle told her he was alone tonight since Alexis is going to spend the night with Paige and Martha is on a tour with the students of her acting class to California and won't be back for a few days. She opens her phone to text him, she is not quite sure how she would handle to actually talking to him right now.
CASTLE, YOU AT HOME?
Yes, what's up?
YOU STILL ALONE?
Just you and me in my dreams detectives.
She pauses for a few minutes, he still dreams about her and her heart flutters. Maybe there is still a chance for them, if he can just forgive her.
WHERE ARE WE?
Where would you like us to be?
ANYWHERE WITH YOU, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE.
OMG, did I just really say that? Yes she did, she is ready to move on, have him in her life so why not let him know. Might make it easier for later.
Wait, did he read that right? Naw, she must be pulling my leg
Beckett, are you ok?
NO, NOT REALLY.
Kate, what's wrong? Your scaring me.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. CAN I COME OVER?
You know you can, you are always welcome here, you don't need to ask, it is an open invitation.
THEN COME LET ME IN?
Buzz me when you get here.
BUZZZZZZZZ, I AM OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR.
Castle sprints to the door and opens it to let her in. He can never ever figure out how she can always be so stunning and not ever try. He looks in her eyes and can 't quite figure out what he sees. Longing, compassion, wanting…and fear? Kate Beckett showing fear? Now he is scared.
"Beckett, are you ok? What's wrong?"
"I am hurting Castle, I am hurting real bad."
He steps back to exam her and can't see any physical damage so she must be hurting inside, but where?
"Not outside Castle, inside, here" as she points to her heart.
He is shocked, she never talks about her feelings let alone her heart. She wants to tell him, she wants to tell him everything, how he has been an important part of her life for the last four years. First as a pest as a Playboy kid trying hit on her, to moving on to her partner and friend, moving from that playboy guy to someone she has come to love and cherish. Did she just say love, guess she did, and she wants to tell him how she feels, that he is not longer just a friend to her any more, he is her best friend and if he is willing, would like him to be so much more.
"Cast…Rick, we need to talk. Well, more I need to talk and you need listen. Can you promise me that?"
Oh crap he thinks, we have gone from Castle to Rick in a very short time and we haven't been teasing or flirting or anything like that so this can NOT be good.
"I can try."
"No try. If this is going to work between us, I need you to promise you will listen, really listen and not say anything until I am finished, please?"
If….work…us….what is she getting at? Is the wall down, is she going to let him in?
"Yes Kate, I promise, I will listen to you."
"One other thing, bolt your front door and give me the key. What I have to say is way too important for us to be interrupted"…or for you to run away is what she is really thinking.
Ok, now this is either getting really hot or really scary, he is not sure which. If she wants the door bolted and locked and SHE holds the key, this can NOT be good, but he sees the look on her face, can't quite describe it yet but he knows she carries a gun so he agrees. He bolts the door and gives her the key. Kate suggests that they move to the living room and she takes a seat at his piano and she suggests he pull up a chair near her.
"Rick, you need to promise me again, that you will let me finish what I am about to say to you before you say ANYTHING or try to pre-judge me or try to run or try to hold me or whatever it is you are going to feel."
Now he knows this can't be good. He thinks what can she be thinking about saying that he would try to run from her…unless….
"I promise, scouts honor."
"Rick, I am trying to be serious here and you were never a scout. Please, just bear with me a little longer?"
"Ok Kate, I promise."
"Promise what?"
"That I will sit right here, sitting on my hands while you tell me whatever it is you are going to tell me. Please tell me you are not leaving me?"
"No Rick, I am not leaving, but I have made a decision that I want to share with you and hope you won't hate me for it. I want you in my life, I want you to be my One and Done. I want to go to bed with you every night, I want to wake up next you in the morning. I want to be a part of Alexis' and Martha's life."
"But you are a part…."
She puts a finger to his lips and he can smell her, cherries.
"Rick, you are interrupting me already. Please let me finish. You might not be all this happy after I tell you what I need to tell you. I want to make love you every day and every night. I want to hold you, kiss you. Rick, I love you, I have loved you for awhile now."
"So what is the problem then?"
"I haven't been honest with you before, about hearing what you said after I was shot."
"WHAT? You heard me, and you are just now telling me this? Why, why now? How can I believe you now if you have lied and held all this in? "
He gets up and starts pacing the floor, hand running through his hair. He looks at the front door and starts to head for it. Damn, he gave her the keys and now he knows why. Damn her, damn her.
"Rick, please sit down here? I am not done, please let me explain."
"Oh Detective Beckett, DO please EXPLAIN why the hell YOU LIED TO ME!"
He called her Detective Beckett. This is not good she thinks to herself. Please just let me get through this. Tears start welling up in both of their eyes but they are both to damn stubborn to let the other see them cry.
"Because…. I….. love…. you….. too Rick.
"You sure have a funny way of showing it."
"Look, you promised me you would wait until I finished, so PLEASE Rick, will you sit back down and let me finish?"
"Sure, why not, lets here some more stories!"
"Rick, I had a hard time dealing with your Playboy ways when we first met. I felt like you only wanted me as a conquest, not for me. But as I got to know you, the real you, not the public you, I knew that deep down inside you were not that shallow. And the way you are with Alexis, the way you love her and treat her, you are such a role model for parenting. Of course, you were still seeing your "Twinkie" every now and then and I just didn't feel like I could compete. I told you I was a One and Done girl and because of that, I had to have all of you or none of you and not just for a one night fling, but I didn't feel I was worthy of Richard Castle. That's why I started seeing Deming."
Oh how he hates that name. Because of him he had one of his worse summers ever. She noticed the look of sadness on his face and continues.
"I was only seeing him to fill the void I started feeling by not being able to have you. I want you Rick, I really did, but didn't think you would ever want me. You are rich and famous worldwide. What would someone like you want with someone like me? Well, thanks to Esposito pointing out that you didn't hang around for the stories anymore and you didn't want to see me hanging around with another guy, it made me think that maybe, just maybe I do have a chance with you. I broke up with Tom the day we closed the case. That is what I wanted to talk you about in the hall during the party. I was ready to tell you that I wanted to give us a chance, that I was ready to go to the Hampton's with you. Of course, we all know how smooth that went."
She sees the look of shock on his face.
"I am so sorry Kate, I didn't know."
"I know you didn't and that is the past. Of course then all the stuff we had the next year, with freezing, and bombs and that kiss, wow, that kiss…shit, did I just say that out loud?"
She notices he seems to be getting bit more tense as she talks but notices the small grin as she "slips" about the kiss.
"You scare me Rick Castle, my feelings for you, my love for you. Your love for me. It was just easier, I thought to just keep you away. That's when Josh came in the picture. He was safe. With his being gone all the time, it made it so much easier to just get away when I needed to, when things started to get too serious with us, I had that out, that foot outside the door. But you know what, that was not enough anymore. When we had that fight, and I asked you what about you and you said I was your partner and I, I, I so was hoping so much that you would tell me you loved me. We both knew I was with Josh at the time, but I really wanted to hear you say it. After our fight before Roy got shot, I cried all night after you left. I was hoping you would realize that I didn't mean all those awful things I said to you. That is what I was trying convey at the funeral when I was shot."
He remembers how lucky he really felt when she said to have someone willing to stand with you and how she looked at him right after that. Then he remembers the shot, how she fell, how he held her, how he told her he loved her, how she died in the ambulance, how she lied to him and said she didn't remember, how she left for three months. How he felt so empty while she was gone, how hurt he was. How pissed off he was when she came to the book signing. How full of anger he was when she stopped him outside the store. How it felt so vile when he asked her if HE helped her recover. How he felt a little relief that they broke up. How when she explained to him about the wall and how she wanted a relationship but she couldn't with the wall still there, how he felt that the relationship she wanted was with him, how she brighten up when he mentioned about taking those guys down.
"I needed to get my head on straight, I needed time to think. That is why I left. I realize now that was not the right thing to do, but I did and I think we came through that whole situation better. It helped me realize that Josh was another BIG mistake, that he was just a replacement for you. The scariest thing about thinking about relationship with you Rick, is that I am afraid that if it doesn't work out, that you will end up leaving me and I can't take that, I don't think I could take the pain of losing you like that. I feel it would be just like when I lost my mom. I just felt that I couldn't go through that pain and feel of lose in my life again. But I have been seeing a therapist since the shooting and he has helped me a lot to come to terms with all this. He has made me see that I can still be who I am, define who I am and who I want to be without letting her death be my driving force. He has helped me realize that even though that wall was there, that it didn't take my finding my mom's killers and bring them to justice to tear down that wall, all….I….needed….need….is…..YOU. I may never find the closure that I am looking for in my mom's case and if I keep going down this path, then there is the chance that we might not ever be together, but is that a reason NOT to let you in. No, it's not. I am not willing to take that chance, that I never get closure for her and lose you in the process. Don't answer me just yet Rick, I have something else to say but can try you understand what I am trying to say to you Rick, of how much I love you and want to be a part of your life?"
She pauses, looks at Rick to make sure he understands he needs to be quite and just listen to the next part. She faces the piano and rests her elbows on the lid, her face buried in her hands. Tears are starting to well up in her eyes, but right now, she doesn't care anymore if he sees the tears. They are tears for him, about him and hopefully they can be tears of joy and not sorrow. She lifts the lid to the piano, takes a deep breath and softly starts swaying to the music as her fingers play on the keys. He watches her, she seems so calm now, and he realizes what that look is on her face as she turns to him and mouths the words "just listen" and starts to sing, it is a look of pure hope for them, pure joy of being with him, pure desire for him and their pure love of each other.
(hit play on YouTube)
In MY heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds OF ALL THAT HURTS
Until YOU CAME along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is myself defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
Tears are streaming down both their faces. Kate knows why she is crying but not sure about Rick. Could it be anger at her, hurt or can it be love?
He stands up, sits down next to her on the piano bench, leans in to her like he is going to give her a kiss but goes for her ear instead and whispers….
"Kate, your heart is safe with me, ALWAYS."
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