Cassandra:
I returned to the annex with the brown paper sack in my hand and walked quickly and silently down the hall to my room. I locked the door behind me. Now that I stay with Jenkins, I'm not here very often but I needed to do this by myself in a private place. I pulled out the contents of the bag and held up one of the pregnancy tests in my hand. I had been feeling a little funny the past week or so and I had attributed it to stress, but this morning when I realized my period was late, it occurred to me that all of my symptoms could be caused by a pregnancy as well. Jenkins and I were always careful of course, but this was really scaring me. We hadn't really talked about children, but I think because the conversation would end in one way and we both knew it- it wouldn't be fair to subject a child to this life. My death sentence didn't live in my head anymore, but it was just as present by being a Librarian. And Jenkins- a child would wonder why he didn't age and couldn't possibly understand immortality. Hell, I didn't fully understand it. I'm actually not sure if Jenkins can even father a child, being immortal and all, but it had never come up. I'm assuming he can because why would we be careful if he couldn't?
I took the test and sat it on the bathroom counter when I heard a knock on the door. "Cassandra?" It was Jenkins. Maybe if I'm silent he'll go. I was silent and waited for him to give it up. "I know you're in there, my dear," he said after a second, "so silence isn't going to get me to leave I'm afraid." Damn. He was good. "Just a second," I said with a sigh and put all the evidence in the bathroom and closed the bathroom door. I unlocked the bedroom door and let him in. "Cassandra, what's going on? Why are you avoiding me and locking yourself in your room?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist in the doorway. "Nothing, everything's fine, sweetheart." I nuzzled into his chest, but I was lying through my teeth and he knew it. "Try again," was all he said. His voice was firm as if daring me to lie again. I sighed and unwrapped his arms from around my waist, shutting the door behind him and locking it. I pulled him to the bed to sit down on the edge. It wasn't until then that I saw the worry in his eyes for me. "I think I might be pregnant."
Jenkins:
Of all the things that I pictured coming out of her mouth, the statement 'I think I might be pregnant' was not on the list. My eyes widened, and I immediately understood what was happening. "You what?" was all that came out of my mouth. "I took the test and it's in the bathroom. I just didn't want to worry you if it turns out that I'm not, because honestly I wanted to put off the kid conversation for as long as possible." She looked so scared and I felt so bad that she felt like she had to deal with this alone. "Cassandra, why didn't you tell me? You shouldn't have to worry alone. This concerns me too, I could've been there, been helpful—" She cut me off, "With what? Buying the test maybe, but peeing on the stick? I'm pretty sure that much is on me. That's all that's been done." "You know what I meant," I shot back at her, now a little miffed that she didn't want to tell me. I saw the hurt flash across her face at my sharpness and I quickly backtracked. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just hurt that you didn't want to tell me what was going on."
"Would you ever want a kid?" she asked me all of a sudden. I was a little thrown off guard, but I gathered myself and answered honestly, but was careful to not say directly that I didn't want a child, you know, in case she was actually pregnant. The last thing I needed was for my pregnant girlfriend to think I didn't want the baby. "While I don't think our situation is ideal to raise a child, I wouldn't mind seeing a little Cassandra running around the annex." I smiled and so did she, the mood lightening a little. "I've just never really seen myself being a mom, you know?" I nodded, having seen Cassandra look at moms with their children in public. It was obvious that it wasn't something she wanted. I've never really seen myself in the parental role either, but mostly because it seemed like such an impossibility. We sat in silence for a few minutes when finally, I had to ask, "How long does it take before we can tell?" She knew immediately I was referring to the test, "We should be able to look now." Neither of us moved. She turned to me and said, "I can't, can you go—" I nodded and hesitantly went to the bathroom. I opened the door and picked up the test. "What means what?" I called to her in the bedroom, just now realizing I didn't know what I was looking at. "Two lines means pregnant, one means not pregnant," she said loud enough for me to hear it.
I looked back down at the test- one solid line and not a hint of anything else. I walked out of the bathroom, test in hand, and she looked up at me, fear spread across her face. "One line," I said with a smile and handed her the test. I saw the relief wash over her face and all of sudden, she was crying, sobbing even. I was next to her on the bed in an instant, arms wrapped around her as she cried. I laid us down against the pillows and held her and stroked her hair as she cried.
Cassandra:
We laid on my bed for what must have been almost an hour until I was cried out and he was just stroking my hair as I laid on his chest in silence. "How would you really feel about a child, Jenkins?" I asked him after a while. "I meant what I said earlier, but I was particularly relieved the test came back negative myself. I can't imagine having to outlive you my love, but a child, that would be particularly excruciating." I hadn't even thought about that for him, sometimes I forget that what is long-term for me is nothing for him, he would live on far after that. He lifted me in his arms to look at him, "I think after this little experience, we can agree that kids are not in the cards for us, am I correct in saying so?" I nodded, and he leaned in to kiss my cheek.
***SEVERAL DAYS LATER***
Jenkins:
Guilt. The only way I can describe what I'm feeling right now is guilty. I should have talked to her about it, should have at least told her what I was going to do even if I didn't ask her permission. Perhaps I should have done that too. It was far too late now, but I couldn't help feeling bad for what I had done, even if it was to protect her. As I walked back into the annex through the back door I saw her sitting at her workspace and felt my stomach twist into knots. She looked up at me and smiled, not knowing anything was even remotely wrong. I tried to smile back at her, but I'm sure it came off as more of a grimace. The others were scattered around, so this most definitely wasn't the time or place. Just as I was about for her help in the lab so I could tell her, the clippings book whirred to life and they all hurried to read what it said. Before I knew it, I was dialing up the back door to Raleigh, North Carolina. It was a routine retrieval, they should be back before dinner, but I had to hang on to this guilt and secrecy until then. After the others stepped through the door, she came up to me and kissed my cheek. "Be back soon," she said and hurried through the door.
I practically wallowed in my guilt and shame for hours. I mean, I was a knight of the round table for goodness sakes. How on earth could I have done such a thing without consulting her? At about half past 7, they stumbled through the door artifact and Chinese takeout in hand. Usually we all eat together in the kitchen, but I think the mission drained them because everyone opted to take theirs to their room. I was grateful I didn't have to wait any longer to tell Cassandra, so we took our takeout to my room as well. I set it down on the table and turned to her as soon as we walked in, "Cassandra, there's something I need to tell you." She seemed taken aback by the sudden urgency in my voice, "Okay, sweetheart. Anything." She grasped my hands and pulled me to sit on the edge of the bed. "I know now I should have talked to you about it first, but I didn't want you to feel like you were forcing me to do something. I just wanted to be sure that we never had to go through what we did that day and I know we haven't talked about it since but I—" She cut me off, "Woah, Jenkins, slow down. What happened? Talk to me about what? You can tell me anything."
I took a deep breath and when I let it out said, "I got a vasectomy" really quickly as if trying to tear off a band-aid. Her eyes widened, and her hands hand went to her mouth. She didn't say a word for what felt like minutes. "Please say something," I found myself pleading with her. She took her hands from her mouth and wrapped them around me, and I buried my face in her hair, very thankful that she didn't hate me. "I can't believe you'd do that for me," she said quietly almost under her breath. "I'd do anything for you," I said into her hair, "but I did it for me too, my conscience that is. It would be wrong to bring a child into this life and after our conversation the other day, I knew we were on the same page and neither one of us wanted to go through that again, so I went this morning." She let go and pulled back to look at me, "Wait, can you still like… you know…" I couldn't help but smile. I'd just told her that she no longer had to worry about accidentally getting pregnant and she was worried about our sex life changing. "Yes, my dear. Nothing should change in that department, only the fact that we have to wait a few days until everything heals and then after I'm cleared in two weeks, we won't need birth control anymore." She smiled back at me, "Good. Just making sure."
"So… you're not mad?" I asked her after a minute of us holding each other in silence. "Not at all, I'm really just relieved that we were on the same page and don't have to worry about it anymore." I hugged tightly to her, "Me too." In the moment, I felt the need to tell her something else. "For the record my dear, I believe you would have been a wonderful mother. You know that right?" She looked up at me, "Oh, honey I know it had nothing to do with that. If it weren't for this job and the whole immortality thing, I would have loved to see you be a father." I nodded, suddenly sadder now than before. My immortality is more of a curse than a gift. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing," she said as if reading my mind, "I mean if you weren't immortal or if I wasn't a Librarian, I would have never met you. It may make some things difficult, but I would rather things with you be difficult than not exist at all." I had never looked at it that way before. I suddenly felt the need to kiss the wise woman in front of me. I may have been alive for a thousand plus years, but I learn new things from her every day.
I kissed her suddenly and it took her off guard, but she caught on fast, putting her hands in my hair as I gripped her face in my palms. After we finally broke apart, she said, "Wow… how many days did you say we had to wait for?" I chuckled and kissed her forehead lightly, "I don't know what I did to deserve you, my dear." She smiled and reached for the Chinese food we neglected a while ago. "Come on, let's go reheat this in the kitchen, I'm hungry." I just nodded to her and got up to follow her to the kitchen, my mind still thinking about kissing her.