Warnings: shounen ai, ShinjixKaworu

Setting: an alternate and demolished world

Disclaimers: Evangelion characters do not in any way belong to me, I am not making money off of this, I just really wanted to write this story.

Chapter 1

The time was...forgotten. The years swallowed up in the explosions. The only sure things in this world was that the grass grew below you, the clouds moved above you, and as long as you suffered you were still alive, but no longer did people know the year, the time, when seasons came and when seasons went. No longer did people try, and few prayed, and never did you see a soul at the fountain surrounded by fallen homes and wobbling shacks, no longer did people believe in the magic of the coins thrown into the wishing fountain, for their mystic powers fed off of hope and faith, and they were lost as well when the explosions occurred.

These are the things Shinji noticed as he curled in the remains of his long fallen home, holding on dearly to the only things he had left, his walkman, a few cassettes, his photographs, hygienic necessities, and his God forsaken name which his father so graciously bestowed upon him at birth.

It had been a few years since the towns were left in ruin, and often Shinji found himself watching the young children who never knew of the tall buildings which once stood where their playground of rocks and rubble lay now. A group of children, no, toddlers rather played together now and he watched them closely, every movement they made, it took him back. Back to a time when he and the world were younger, kinder, playing with Rei while Asuka yelled and his beautiful mother watching and smiling, her hair blowing gently in the wind, but what Shinji saw next stole those memories from him. The children were playing as if nothing was wrong, yet they carried with them weapons, knifes and guns. Shinji's head dropped in shame of what his world had become, so terrible that toddlers had to carry weapons. Kidnappings and killings...people were shameless and thoughtless, they would kill a child without blinking. Just for a place to stay, for a little bit of food, because they were going insane, they felt it was all right to steal the life of a child. He shook in the chilling evil around him, stifling cries and screaming silently, he spoke in a whisper, tears pushing through his weakness.

"Th-there is no room for Angels...nor Demons, not when our world is over run...with children who carry guns.."

He laid down in the dirt and rubble. He had arranged some of the rocks so he could hide under long sheets of what used to be wall. He curled tightly under one of these hiding places now and listened to his music, looking at his photographs He had developed this skill, when he closed his eyes he could take himself away, he could go back and live any way he wanted, he could go anywhere, or to any memory. He spent more time in these worlds then he did in the reality around him. Often he took himself to a place where he could talk to his mother, where he could hear her voice, he never dreamed, only nightmares, so this is the only time he could see her and hear her, but that is all he wanted...more then anything else he wanted his mother.

Shinji spent most of his days in these dream worlds, but he had spent his whole day this way and his legs grew wrestles, they begged him to move.

What's the poin? he argues with his legs

I will eat and come back here to do nothing. Why not just forget about food, I could die! If mother really is dead then I could join her where ever she is...

Despite his arguing his restless legs got the better of him. He packed all of his belongings into a black courier back that hung on his right side, he had found the bag one day years ago twisted in the rubble. Gently he put everything he owned into it, to afraid to leave his possessions unattended.

His legs were weak and wobbling as he tried to work his way out of his 'home.' When he had taken a few steps he turned and looked at the mess of rubble he had just crawled from. Though most people had already turned the remains of their homes into shacks to live in, Shinji hadn't, he could, but..

"I just don't have the strength..." he spoke quietly, gently, and without faith.

He let his legs lead him through the city, everyone minding their own, but grabbing their children when Shinji walked to close. His head hung, to ashamed to claim his father, his father who single handily destroyed the cities. He shook the thought from his mind and continued to walk until he finally came across the biggest shack, the 'store.' It was built with different colored stones and warped wood, it was well made, or at least it was better then the any other shacks around. They haven't had the supplies to make mortar to build good houses, they could use mud but it rained to often and it would wash it away before it would dry. Shinji's eyes wandered up the old 'store' and he read the crooked sign hanging above the doorway. It read:

'Groceries, hunters needed.'

In this case the word 'hunter' is used very loosely, it just meant people needed to go look for wild plants and other food, or if you had spare meat to bring some in. Very rarely did someone actually bring in a dead deer or boar or anything, the only meat we really had was fish.

Slowly, but steadily, Shinji walked into the store, his head down, his eyes on the ground, trying his best to avoid eye contact with people around him. You see, people are taught when they are very young the often false statement that if you can't see them, they can't see you. The walk seemed long and tedious, but when he finally arrived at the front desk he raised his eyes, and standing behind the counter he saw a pale, frail woman with long flowing brown hair and cobalt blue eyes. Her name was Nana and she was the only person who was kind to Shinji. She smiled happily at him.

"Hey little Ikari!!" she said with a bounce to her voice, "What d'ya need?"

"Enough to survive." Shinji replied with a fake smile, feeling like it would be rude not to return her kindness.

With as much bounce in her step as there was in her voice she walked to the back of the store in a little room no one else could get to and when she returned she had rations of bread, fruit, and fish. He forced another smile to creep across his face, he could hear his stomach screaming in hunger, he had refused to eat for two days. He is always depressed, but sometimes it will grow so heavy that he wouldn't move from the rubble, he would just close his eyes and run away to neverland.

"Thank you." He said in a quiet voice before putting a piece of the bread in his mouth and wrapping the rest of the food up and sticking it in his bag. He then turned his back and walked quickly out of the store, sending silent thanks to the lord above, for when a person is starving even a bite of bread is a feast.

Little Ikari. How unsettling. She meant no harm by it but to compare Shinji to Gendo, to even speak Shinij's name in the same breath as his father's...it was insulting.

As Shinji's thoughts raced viciously through his head his legs continued to walk. His thoughts were racing so fast he felt light headed until something unusual caught his eye. Standing by the wishing fountain in the center of the city, not simply walking by, but paying mind to it, was a very unfamiliar sillhouette. Shinji's eyes traced the person standing in a clean white shirt, nice genes, perfect posture, silver hair, and very pale skin. He couldn't take his eyes off of the curious stranger. His mind was cleared, no thoughts of his father haunted him, the only thing he could think about was that kid, seemingly glowing, standing in front of a million abandoned dreams. Suddenly the kid's hand moved, and they flipped something. It caught the sun and it gleamed silver, spinning in what seemed like slow motion towards the fountain. It felt like there was no one else, only Shinji and that perfect stranger, no other sound, just Shinji's breathing and that coin landing in the water. Everything seemed to stop, the wind stopped blowing, thoughts stopped racing, the birds stopped chirping. Slowly the figure turned and looked Shinji right in his eyes.

Scarlet.

The boy's eyes were red. At first Shinji was startled, but then the boy smiled at him. The most beautiful smile he had ever seen, and for a moment all of his problems went away, his heart stopped aching, his mind stopped contemplating suicide, for that moment Shinji wanted to live, for the first time in years, he wanted to live. Just as suddenly as this had all happened, people started moving again, noise rose back up into a roar, or so it seemed to Shinji. His ears began to ring, and the boy disappeared behind a sea of adults who could have been walking in circles for all he knew.

Shinji stood there for a moment, to stunned to move.

"Am I...going insane...?" Shinji said out loud, not caring who heard him.

He found himself walking towards the fountain, gliding silently, like a ghost in a dream. He looked at the ground where the boy had been standing. He traced the ground, searching the rubble like it was going to spell out an untold message, something Shinji didn't catch. Slowly he leaned over to look into the fountain.

It couldn't be a dream.. He thought to himself over and over, It was to perfect, it was to real...it just couldn't be..

Shinji's light brown hues looked intently into the water, the glimmer reflecting in his eyes.
And there...was nothing.
Nothing but water, no coins, nothing. He stared at the water, his double quivering on the ripple, he half expected the face of the boy to appear in place of his own reflection, but it didn't.

Shinji stumbled backwards and looked straight to the sky. He felt like a lost spirit, people around him talked and laughed, but they sounded so distant, so unbelievably far away, he felt alone. He took another step back and looked forward, and then he started towards the ocean, he just had a feeling that he needed to head that way.

Shinji hadn't been to the ocean in years, and as he walked he passed what used to be a large building. He hardly remembered it, ut then he identified it as an old orchestra building, but it has been collapsed for so many years it hardly looked like it had been inhabitable at any time. He saw in the old worn door and windows many instruments; Violins, flutes, a bass, a grand piano, and a cello. Memories filled his head of a time when he could play the cello, it seemed so long ago, but so beautiful was the music he played, but never again would he hear it, only the familiar, gradually wearing songs on his walkman. To escape those old memories he paid the instruments no more mind and he continued drifting towards the ocean.

After a short walk he stood on the cooling sand of the Pacific coast. He swayed slightly, his heart following the gentle beat of the steady tides, rolling in and out, in and out. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the thick smell of salt, taking him back to when he was only five-years-old playing on the beach, his mother Yui chasing him, right on his heals. The cool waters washing up onto their feet. Shinji had to shake the memories from his head to concentrate again. He stared out at the ocean, trying to clear his mind, to only think about the waves, but suddenly he couldn't get the boy off of his mind, his skin perfect and pale, his hair flowing gently in the wind, shining in a way that made you think of the moon. Compared to that boy, Shinji was a mess. He didn't glow, as a matter of fact there was dirt on his clothes and under his uneven nails, compared to that boy he was nothing but an incompetent child playing in mud.

Normally thoughts like this wouldn't bother Shinji. In dirt and mud he waited for his life to end, he never paid mind to how much cleaner other people were compared to him, but now looking out at the sea things were bathed in a new light. He rummaged through his bag and found his hair brush, tooth brush and tooth paste, and a small bottle of shampoo.

He removed his clothes and waded in the water in only his shorts. He took his toothbrush and dipped it into the ocean, and he placed the thick minty paste on it and he began to brush his teeth. He tried his best to ignore the terrible taste of stale salt and mint, he took his mind to other things, like the cold water around his waist, the ever darkening sky, the stranger with the perfect smile. Finally it was time for Shinji to spit out the terrible foam in his mouth and he threw the toothbrush and the tooth paste on shore, and he ducked the rest of his body under the water, shielding his eye from the salt. He stayed there for a moment, thinking of how often he wanted to walk down here and dive under the surface and to never come back up again, but that wasn't his goal this time. He quickly jumped back up to waist deep water and flipped the hair from his eyes. He removed from the pocket of his shorts the small bottle of shampoo. He poured the thick lotion into his hand and viciously rubbed it into his hair, his nails scratching his scalp. He took in the sweet aroma of milk and honey as his hair foamed. He rinsed it out and took out the shampoo to do it one more time, but this time as he rubbed it on his scalp he was taken over by thoughts again.

Why am I doing this? Why all of a sudden, I never cared before! What happened to just wanting to die? What happened to just ending it all and joining mother...I wonder where that boy is...?

Shinji dived back under the water and he scrubbed quickly, removing the white, sweet smelling foam from his hair. This time when he jumped back up he started towards the shore, walking slowly, his joints stiff from the cold water. He sat on a large rock when he got to the shore, and he bent his neck back and looked straight up at the clouds moving slowly over a purple sky. A cold wind blew across the ocean and made the hairs on his body stand on end. He quickly jumped down off of the rock and grabbed his shirt, but before he proceeded to put it on he stopped and stared at it for a moment, tilting his head, examining it. It was, at one time, white, but that was until he slept on the ground for so many weeks. Now it was a light brown, covered in dirt, and his pants were no better., they were filthy. He shivered once and cursed the freezing water of the ocean and he turned back to it with his clothes in hand. He waded in it again, but this time only to his ankles and he dipped his clothing into the water. He shook them quickly, just trying to get some of the dirt off of it, but he cringed at how dirty the water around the clothes got when he shook them.

When he finally pulled the clothes out they were clean, or as clean as he could get them at that moment. He wrung them out and walked back up on shore and somehow maneuvered his way back into his clothes. They were so cold it felt like a million tiny knives stabbing him, but the tried to look passed it and he picked up his bag in his waterlogged hands, stuffing everything back into it except for the hair brush and he began walking towards the town, while holding the bag in one hand, and brushing his hair with the other.

The sun had sank on the horizon, and the night was black. The only light came from the moon and stars, and now more then ever he thought of the boy.

Shinji stumbled through the tall grass without stopping, until he saw the outline of the orchestra building. He stared at all of the instruments. He took a step towards it, but then he shook the thoughts from his mind and began running towards the city, hardly noticing the soft glow and billowing smoke extending from the city, only a short distance away now.

By the time Shinji arrived in the city he was shivering all over stiff and soaked. he stared at the large bonfire the residents had set close to the center of the town, it was so large that it seemed like he could feel the heat from where he was standing, but he stood quivering, trying to talk himself into joining the rest of them, but at this moment he couldn't handle the piercing stares of his cold hearted neighbors, and just as Shinji started towards his 'home' he heard a loud calling of a familiar voice.

"Heeeeeeyy Booooyyy!!" it was Nana.

"Hi Nana." Shinji replied gently, his voice as shaky as his body.

She ran up to him but stopped for a moment when she saw he was wet and shaking. She gently placed her hands on his shoulders and led him to the fire.

"You're going to freeze to death Ikari." She said in the tone the reminds you of a worried mother, but as they were sitting down Shinji spoke up in protest.

"Please, don't call me Ikari..."

She looked at him for a moment, confusion in her eyes.

"Then what do you want me to call you child?"

"My name is Sh-" he was cut off by an older woman who called for Nana, she was a great distance away. Nana smiled her apologizes to Shinji and trotted off towards the woman, and there he is left, still no one knew his name.

The gentle warmth of the fire cradled Shinji, warming his skin and drying his hair and clothes. He watched the fire as he brushed his hair one more time, as he was putting the brush away, however, he noticed just how beautiful the fire was, the sparks dancing high into the sky. It was a tiny oasis of light in this darkness, of warmth in this cold. he watched it intently, feeling the heat on his hues, but hardly blinking. He was taken back to that boy again, but this time he remembered something that wasn't as pleasant as his perfect posture and warm smile, this time he remembered that glimmer, the coin that had disappeared...was the boy all in Shinji's head? A manifestation of his loneliness..? Had he finally mixed his dreams with his reality?

Slowly Shinji pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes. he felt his heart quivering, he didn't know why but he was destroyed by the thought of that boy being a mirage, only a dream. Even though the fire was huge and burning hot Shinji felt very cold. he took himself back into his memories. To a time when his mother would hold him close and comfort him, when he and Rei would skip stones across the ocean and play and swim, those memories you keep tucked away in your mind so that you can warm your heart with them later. Like the sound of his mothers voice, the warmth of her embrace, his never ending laughs with Rei when they would talk and play, or that boy's smile...not again.

"It wasn't real." Shinji said, placing his head on his knees.

He opened his eyes and something unusual caught his attention.

Something that shone like the moon. It was the boy, so far from the fire he was hardly a shadow, but Shinji could see him almost perfectly, his silver hair shining, his red eyes glimmering, his perfect smile..strikeing. Everything about him was so perfect, and yet he would pick Shinji out of a whole crowd. For a moment the boys eyes watched Shinji, it seemed to last an eternity, those two just watching each other, but just as suddenly as the boy appeared he fell back into darkness, it became one of those memories...you warm your heart with later.

Shinji stood slowly, clumsily, he grabbed his bag and began walking to his 'home' which wasn't far away, but he felt like he was gliding along, just like the wind, completely unnoticed by the rest of the world.

After a few minutes of gliding Shinji arrived 'home' and something on the ground caught his attention, something shiny, something silver. Slowly he bent down and picked it up, flipping it between his fingers. It was a silver coin. He was so dazed he couldn't stop starring at it, slowly moving it around, watching it catch the moonlight, until finally he clenched it in his hand and laid down on top of the long piece of wall, so he wouldn't get dirty. He closed his eyes, smiling softly. That was something he hadn't felt in a while. A smile, a smirk at all, happiness. The last time he was happy...it felt so far away to Shinji, as far away as childhood, but he didn't think about childhood for too long before he fell asleep smiling, and for the first time in years he dreamt. Not a nightmare, no ghosts, the only haunting he had was while he was talking to his mother, surrounded by flowers, there was a faint outline of an angel in the distant background, they whispered promises, but Shinji couldn't quite hear what they were saying...

end of chapter one.