I hate the world. I hate everything. Everybody. Oh maybe everybody except Sybil – I started to call her name, because I really like her now. She´s a nice woman. But I won´t call her lady, not now when I´m seeing her in those nurse clothes. Oh, whatever. Does it matter?!
I hate doctor Clarkson so much! How could he cause this?! It was obvious something was gonna happen. Wasn´t he blind or something?! Of course he wanted to have as many patiens as possible and this meant to kick all those who are not in danger of losing life outside. For some of them it wouldn´t be bad, but for somebody…
Damn it! If only I could do something. Anything. I would do everything. For him.
Why is life so unfair?! Why did I have to lose the only man who seemed to really like me? Was it my punishment for all the bad things – crimes – I´ve done? Am I sentenced to live my life alone, with only hatred of people I know? I´m not like that. I´m not a bad guy. I don´t want to be. I know nobody would think anything else – I really did bad things, I was rude and I don´t regret many of them. I can´t help. I should be sorry for trying to destroy Bates, but I´m not. I should think I was stupid when I was teasing Mason, but I don´t. They were annoying and I really don´t regret anything what happened to them. The life wasn´t easy for me. It wasn´t their guilt, but I don´t care.
O´Brien has been talking to me just because she was as vicious as I am. We were gossiping and intrigueing together, but it wasn´t a real friendship. No. And all those men who have ever abused me? Who made me feel they love me, used me and then spurned me, because I wasn´t good enough for them. I was just a servant…!
Nobody loved me. Even my mother thought I was a dirt on her otherwise flawless reputation, an infection which can´t be cured. I´ve never liked I was born like this – homosexual – but I´ve never felt guilty. It wasn´t my fault and I´m an absolutely normal man. But we live in a bad world and people are creatures full of hatred.
So why him? I don´t know why I exactly started to talk to him so much. Why did I choose him out of all the other men. But he looked so desperate he reminded me of myself so much. I started to get to know him. He was such a good soul, such a fragile human being. I wanted to hug him, to hide him in my arms and never let him go. I´d never felt this before, not so strong. I thought that any time I´ve felt something for a man, it was an animal passion more than a real emotion. Not now. It was stronger, more urgent, crazy. I loved him.
He was handsome, even with this blind stare which made me a bit scared. But I´ve seen worst things at the front. But I loved his soul, his thoughtful mind, his delicate demeanor. He was as different than me as he could be but I still saw him as my soul mate. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted to ease his pain. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. He couldn´t see my eyes but I hope he knew it from my touches or my words. How much he meant to me. How much I wished he loved me back.
I can´t tell if he knew about my love or not. And I would like to say that he loved me back. I wasn´t sure. He didn´t show anything, but my heart was blind. It kept telling me he loved me, he was just afraid to tell. Moreover, he was very nice to Sybil too. I tried so hard not to be jealous, but I couldn´t help myself. I envied her, even though I knew she didn´t feel more for him than for any other patient. She didn´t want to take him from me. I think she realized it. I was scared she was gonna to tell it to somebody, but she didn´t do it. I admired her for it. She just came to me one day and said: „I really do hope mistr Courtenay likes you at least half as much as you like him, Thomas,"
I don´t know why didn´t she tell it anybody, but I was so glad. I thanked her, but she pretended she had no idea what I was talking about. I let it be. I noticed she managed to let me take care of him as much as it was possible. Sometimes she smiled at me, rarely showed me raised thumbs. It was crazy, but we shared these secret bits of happiness in the middle of this misery.
He really seemed to like me. He was the first man who liked for who I was not for how I looked like. He was asking me why I paid so much attention to him, but I couldn´t tell him the truth. I wasn´t able to. Sybil told me he was asking for me when I weren´t there for some time. It made me feel so happy I hadn´t been all my life before. Then I hurried and spent as much time with him as possible. Once he asked what I wanted to do when the war ends. I thought about it for so long he was afraid I went away. I told him I hadn´t thought about it earlier, because I was too busy. He answered he understood and he knew I had much work, but if it didn´t bother me, he would like me to be his assistant when he gets from the hospital – of course after the war, he couldn´t want me to leave the wounded just for him. I couldn´t believe my ears! He asked to be his assistant – not a servant – and looked really sad that I couldn´t start work right in that moment.
I would leave him dozens, hundreds, thousands of wounded for him! I would sacrifice the whole world just to be with him. I couldn´t tell this to him, but I think he heard I was crying. Or he just felt it, I don´t know. He wiped my tears and started to talk about money, work or whatever as if I wanted to refuse!
I couldn´t listen to it any longer. I had to do it. I had to prove him I didn´t care about money, that I would pay him for being in his presence if I had to. I didn´t make sure if anybody was watching, I didn´t care. I just grabbed him and kissed him. He didn´t see it coming so I thought he would push me away. He didn´t. He kissed me back, his hand searching for my hip. I wrapped arms around his neck and let all the love I felt to be shown. I exploded, everything hidden deeply inside showed and I hoped he saw it all.
But we were in the hospital. I couldn´t take as much love as I wanted. Our lips broke apart and we were both breathing hardly. He couldn´t see me, but his blind eyes were shining with happiness and love. I smiled even though there was nobody who could see it. I accepted the job, of course.
We were as happy as it was possible. He was getting better, much better. He said it didn´t hurt him, but sometimes I saw he was somewhere else. I didn´t have the courage to ask him if he was thinking about the war. I still had nightmares about it. Still have. Even though he started to smile. He kept saying me he loved me and he would be nothing without me. I was pleased but I never thought he meant it as seriously as he obviously did.
Sybil helped me and we made an amazing progress. He was almost able to walk normally. I was so proud when doctor Clarkson came to us and said him he did it well. Until he said what he meant by saying it. He was sending him away. He was taking me the only thing I lived for. He couldn´t do it. I saw the panic in his face and didn´t hesitate.
It didn´t matter. The doctor was relentless. He even yelled at Sybil what shocked me. I know she was a nurse and even I forgot she had been the lady I hated, but this was astonishing. And from this I saw I didn´t have any hope for having my beloved beside me anymore. If he said no to lady Crawley…
I had to tell him. It hurt me a lot, but I didn´t cry because I knew I was supposed to be the stronger one. So I blinked so many times I hadn´t blinked all my life to fight the tears. He was trying to be strong and not to cry too, but he didn´t manage. I hold him in my arms – Sybil hid us in the garden so I could – and tried to cheer him up. He looked he was gonna be okay. I believed it.
I couldn´t be more wrong. When Sybil went for me, I couldn´t believe it. I was just staring at the big pool of his blood – too much fascinated. So this was what made him blush, what made him alive. And it was just spilled on the floor, so everybody could stare at it. As if it was his soul, naked and unprotected from strangers´ sights. I wanted to send them all away, except of Sybil, because she had the right to see him. But nobody else. Instead, I just sat in the corner, trying not to die.
It was difficult. It still is. At night, I sometimes have nightmares about his blind, sad gaze which blame me for not being able to protect him. They are much worse than any of the dreams from the war. Because this is my guilt. Not just mine, but I have my part.
I don´t want to live. I want to die and join him, but I know it won´t be good. He wouldn´t want me to do it, he trusts me that I´m the stronger one. I can´t betray him even though he left me here, alone and brokenhearted. I can´t blame him even though I should. He was so sweet and innocent. If he took his own life, he didn´t see any other option. He wasn´t stupid, he was just very fragile.
I sob, wipe tears and rise my head. I can´t let them break me. No. I owe it to him. I owe it to Edward Courtenay, my lover.