Disclaimer: I don't own any songs used, nor do I own Instant Star. Don't sue me, I'm poor.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
Step one, you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
It had been over two years since the last time this happened.
I'd walked out of school today, shocked to see none other than Tom Quincy leaning against his Viper.
We hadn't talked since he'd shown up that day, backstage with that girl—his daughter.
He and Portia had a child apparently—a girl. Her name was Josephine, and she was three.
That's all I knew.
He'd avoided me. I'd avoided him.
Needless to say, I wasn't expecting to see him.
"What are you doing here Tommy?" I said, avoiding his gaze as I approached his car.
Leaning against the convertible, arms crossed, he jerked his head over his shoulder, "Get in."
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
As we drove down a familiar road, toward the water, I avoided his gaze, staring out the window, until the silence became unbearable.
"Tommy, why did you do it? Why did you leave? Why won't you talk to me?" I spoke, my voice barely higher than a whisper, for fear it would crack, and I would break.
I watched as warehouses flew by, leading us closer to the pier.
I felt a hand reach over and rest on my thigh, and shuddered involuntarily. I shifted uncomfortably, pulling myself closer to my window, farther away from him.
"Don't," I said, pleading with him, finally meeting his eyes, "Just don't. Not if you aren't going to be honest."
Holding his gaze, I broke it as we came to a stop, climbing out of the car, walking to the water's edge.
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
"Jude, I don't get it," he said, approaching me from behind, "You are the one who freaked out on me that day when I got back. I tried to explain."
Refusing to turn and look at him, I held my head level, staring out at the boats in the water.
"No Tommy," I said coldly, my voice low, "You tried to give me what you thought was an explanation—what you THOUGHT I wanted to hear. All I wanted was the truth. What really happened. All I wanted—all I WANT—is to know you. All of you."
Turning to face him, I felt a tear begin to fall down my cheek, "But you won't give me that. And I don't even know why I'm here."
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Watching the emotions register on his face—regret, amazement, sadness—I kept going, softening, trying to get to him, trying to get him to open up again.
"Tommy, what happened to us?" I said, stepping toward him, "What happened to being able to talk all the time—being able to tell each other all those things?"
Watching his eyes wander past me, staring out into the bay, I continued, my hand resting on his arm, "What happened to you being there for me when I needed you?"
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
"Jude, I meant it, I thought about you the whole time I was gone, I-," he began, flustered.
"I don't care," I said, cutting him off, snapping my arm back, "That doesn't make up for how you left me—how you forgot to call me all that time."
Spinning in frustration, I slammed my foot to the ground.
"God Tommy!" I yelled, my voice breaking, "what is it going to take? How many ways can I tell you I need you before you'll get it? Do you just not want to get it? Am I just that clueless?"
As he begins to raise his voice
"Jesus Jude!" He screamed back, finally reacting, finally showing some emotion, "What am I supposed to do? You are SEVENTEEN! It's so hard, I just don't know what to do. I don't know if we're friends, or what we are. I just don't know."
Silence fell over us, both of us stunned by his admission. The sound of seagulls filled the air, joining the sound of the water lapping against the wooden docks.
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
"I just want the truth. I want you to tell me who the girl is, I want you to tell me why you didn't tell me before," I said evenly, biting back tears, "I just want us to go back to what we were Tom. That's all I want. Nothing more."
Staring at him, I watched as he weighed everything, growing more and more frustrated with him.
"Why? Why is it so hard to decide to tell me these things about yourself?" I asked, walking over to him, making him look at me, "You know almost everything about me—every emotion I feel comes out in the songs we record. But I know nothing about you—I don't even know you have a kid until you show up with her after we've known each other for two years!"
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
"I have-," he began, pausing, hesitating, trying to find the words to say, "I have things that I don't like to tell people, that I'm not proud of. I just, I can't. I can't be that person Jude."
He looked up at me, his eyes meeting mine, full of sadness and regret.
"I can't let there be a you and me Jude. And I know that's what you want," he said, reaching out to touch my arm, continuing as I recoiled, "It's what I want. It really is. But I have so many responsibilities now. So many things to sort out. And I have to do it on my own, by myself."
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
The tears finally began to fall down my face, and I looked at him, letting him see how much he had hurt me—how he had broken me.
"So that's it?" I asked, "This is how our friendship is going to end?"
I watched him stand there, silent, unanswering, just looking at me.
"Jude, this doesn't have to be the end it-"
"Yes, Tom. Yes it does," I said, anger creeping into my voice again, "Because I can't be around you if you're not willing to let me in at all."
Wiping my hands across my face, ridding my cheeks of their tears, I forced myself to look away from him.
"If you get in that car, our friendship is done."
Turning, I walked toward the edge of the pier, lowering myself down, willing myself to be strong and not look back at him.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
I don't think I realized how much I had just lost, until I heard the engine of the car start, and turned in time to see it drive out of sight.
Had I known how to save a life