Banjo, Kazooie, and Mumbo
IN
Pregnancy
By Scott Bommarito
-/Scene 1: The Truth\-
LOC – Floor, Facing TV from PC
Banjo – Kazooie, why do I usually have to carry you in this backpack?
Kazooie – Well...
Banjo – You killed Mumbo again, didn't you!
Banjo – Dammit Kazooie, why did you kill Mumbo? What's you motive?
Kazooie – I DIDN'T KILL MUMBO!
Banjo – (mumbling) Over expression when confronted with topic... AHA! You did kill him!
(Mumbo walks in.)
Mumbo – Hey gu—
Banjo – IMPOSTER!
(Banjo attacks Mumbo. He tries to pull Mumbo's face off.)
Banjo – Why won't this mask come off!
Kazooie – Um, Banjo, Mumbo isn't dead. That's the real Mumbo.
Banjo – LIES!
( Officer Luigi walks in.)
Luigi – Err... sir, please refrain from ripping this gentleman's face off.
Banjo – He's not gentle, he's an IMPOSTER!
Mumbo – (struggles to speak while being pulled at) Ban—jo,—Mu—m—bo—am—NOT—an—imp—os—ter!
Kazooie – Banjo... I'm pregnant.
(Everyone stares at Kazooie.)
Banjo – OMG WE'RE GONNA' HAVE A BABY SHOWER! Mumbo, call my relatives.
Mumbo – So "Mumbo, call my relatives" is the kind of respect Mumbo get? Mumbo not happy.
Banjo – Banjo call relatives. Mumbo be happy.
Mumbo – Mumbo not happy. Banjo try to rip Mumbo's face off.
-\End/-
-/Scene 2: Planning\-
LOC – Facing Bookshelf
(Mumbo is sitting at a desk.)
(Banjo walks in.)
Banjo – Mumbo, how much of Kazooie's baby shower have you planned?
Mumbo – Look Banjo, I've made a time machine.
Camera shows a large Time Machine to the left of Mumbo
Banjo – (Growls) MUMBO...
Mumbo – Wee! (Gets inside time machine)
Banjo – ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!
(Mumbo uses the Time Machine. He returns quickly.)
Mumbo – Banjo, don't go to the Cretaceous era to get Tylenol™. (Banjo stares a "WTF?") I've been there. It's not fun.
FLASH BACK!
(Mumbo is running from Dinosaurs with a bottle of Tylenol™.)
FLASH FORWARD!
Banjo – Mumbo, why do you get your Tylenol™ at the Cretaceous era? (Mumbo acts like he's hiding something.) Anyway, HOW MUCH HAVE YOU PLANNED?
Mumbo – ... well, we know that we'll have some Ramen™ at the party.
Banjo – DON'T SAY RAMEN™ !
Mumbo – Oka—
(Chinese Ty-Chi Chicken Man appears behind Mumbo.)
CM – Where's the RAMEN™ ?
Mumbo – South China.
CM – (runs away to South China) Away I go!
-\End/-
-/Scene 3: Kazooie's Female Friends\-
LOC – Top Bunk of Bed
(Kazooie is waiting on the top bunk for her friends. Ducky enters.)
Kazooie – Hey Ducky! Where are the rest of my friends?
Ducky – Um, we're the only two female characters of all of the Plush Kingdom.
Kazooie – What about Mumbo?
Ducky – QUIET! No one needs to know about that!
Kazooie – Err... yeah.
Ducky – So, how long have you been expecting?
Kazooie – 10 years.
(Ducky stares.)
Kazooie – Breegulls are pregnant for up to—
(Mumbo randomly appears in his Time Machine.)
Mumbo – That's my fault too!
(Mumbo exits.)
Ducky – Okay...
-\End/-
-/Scene 4: Whose Baby is it?\-
LOC – Facing Bookshelf
(Everyone is surrounding Kazooie except for Mumbo.)
Banjo – Ok, Kazooie, you better tell us whose baby that is... growing inside of you.
Kazooie – Well... it was a late night at the strip club.
(Mumbo is back in his Time Machine.)
Mumbo – LIES! It was I who impregnated her!
Kazooie – Um, Mumbo, it was Banjo...
Banjo – (screams for a long time) NO!
(Kazooie pokes him.)
Kazooie – OF COURSE NOT! Neither of you could impregnate me. I'm a bird. Only birds can impregnate me!
Mumbo – EXACTLY!
(Everyone stares at Mumbo.)
Banjo – Mumbo, stop talking Jumbo.
Kazooie – He'sa shaman. You never know what he is...
Banjo – Mumbo, I need to know... have I ever pooped into you?
Mumbo – YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!
(Mumbo exits.)
Banjo – Kazooie, was it really Mumbo?
(Ducky enters.)
Ducky – IT WAS ME!
Banjo – But you're both females!
Ducky – WRONG! I'm a hermaphrodite!
Kazooie – It's right there... I mean Ducky's right there.
Banjo – I see why CM divorced you. You two couldn't do it.
Kazooie – Well... not successfully. The hermaphrodite is always the father.
Banjo – I...gotta'...go...puke.
(Banjo exits.)
(Banjo pukes.)
(Banjo returns.)
Banjo – So, are you two gay?
Kazooie – Technically, no. Hermaphrodites are both sexes.
Banjo – NOT AGAIN!
(Banjo exits.)
(Banjo pukes.)
(Banjo returns.)
-\End/-
-/Scene 5: Credits\-
LOC – Top Bunk of Bed
MUSIC: Billie Jean – Michael Jackson
(Banjo is singing to the music.)
(Kazooie enters.)
Kazooie – Banjo, it's over. I got it removed yesterday.
Banjo – RACIST!
Kazooie – Um, Banjo, I think there's a word for that.
Banjo – Yeah, MURDERER!
Kazooie – Hey, you're not a woman. Only their opinion is respected.
Banjo – I can go over to Mumbo's if you want.
Kazooie – (screams for a long time) NO!
Banjo – Just kidding. I'm more intelligent than that. I'll go to Doctor Luigi's!
Kazooie – Bad Banjo! NO!
Banjo – I don't mean for that reason. I just want to get a haircut.
Kazooie – Well, you never know what Dr. Luigi will do to you.
(Doctor Luigi comes and abducts Banjo.)
Banjo – NO! I DON'T WANNA' GET MEATLOAFFED!
Luigi – SHUT UP!
-\End/-