A/N: Wrote this from scratch today, suddenly hit by inspiration. That's very rare. Usually I need to be hit by a blast of super-motivation to even change out of my pyjamas. This was originally going to be the prologue to a much bigger story. It sat there at 500 measly words, begging for more detail. It was around this point that I realised that the bigger story I was planning was actually pretty crappy, and that if the prologue was expanded it could stand alone pretty easily. It also demanded to be written really really hard, so the entire thing was churned out over a period of about 6 hours without any break for eating or drinking. I'll blame that for any uncaught typos and other assorted fails.
I'm a rational guy. But it's not often that I get a chance to sit down and reflect on the utter ridiculousness, the sheer jaw-dropping insanity of the world I find myself in.
Long after I had cast away such concepts as aliens, time-travellers and espers to the realm of childhood fantasy all three not only appeared right in front of me but became firm friends, an everyday fixture in my life as real and routine as the overly steep hill whose slope leaves me in frustration and despair every morning.
All of this because of one eccentric high school girl who happens to be – depending on which of my comrades you ask – a God, the potential for the advancement of Auto-Evolution (don't worry, I don't understand either), or a source of chronological instability responsible for a timequake which has rendered travel impossible beyond a certain point three years ago. Great.
That'd all be plenty dangerous enough to deal with on its own. But that's not all. Koizumi regularly suggests that I fail to understand my special status and relationship with Haruhi. He's wrong. Dead wrong. Clearly I am something to her. I'm the only one in her club without one of those special abilities she included in that idiotic wishlist of hers in her introduction on the first day of class. I'm also the only one allowed to call her by her given name without an honorific. I'm not blind to the implications.
Regardless of what it might sometimes look like to outsiders, I'm far from the oblivious protagonist in the latest twisted take on the tired harem comedy genre. I'm in a club with three attractive girls. I've had what can reasonably be described as "moments" with each of them. In any normal circumstance, millions would call this setup "living the dream".
But millions would be wrong. Sure, I actively chose to come back here when given the explicit choice between being a member of this crazy club and living in an ordinary world. Indeed, I'll grudgingly admit to myself that some parts of this feast of impossibility laid out in front of me can actually have a pretty exhilarating taste.
Still, you can't hide the fact that at times my situation resembles some horrible, surreal nightmare. Since we're dealing with Gods and the supernatural, let me put it to you this way. I'm a lot like Eve from the Bible. Koizumi would probably love that analogy. A world I'd never want to lose. Forbidden fruits laid out in front of me. But if I even so much as take one little teeny-weeny juicy bite then surely everything will be lost.
The serene, seemingly emotionless bookworm whose slightest change in expression betrays the hidden depths beneath?
Perhaps we'd defy all convention and have our first date in the library. We'd read together and experience the easy silence between those whose strength of feeling for each other cannot easily be captured in words. Soon, I'd introduce her to my parents. Initially, they'd struggle to warm to her. Her blunt monotone would grate, her monosyllabic answers would be thought impolite. But wait; eventually, like all good parents finding their child in love with a decent, caring individual who returns that love in full, they would come round. Life would be good.
And then somehow, despite all our best efforts to cover it up, Haruhi would find out.
Boom.
Nice planet while it lasted, wasn't it?
Okay, okay. So we'll stay well away from that path. Now, what about the walking epitome of moe; the sweet, well-proportioned time-traveller who will grow even more beautiful as she enters her young adulthood?
"K-Kyon-kun, we shouldn't be doing this."
I don't care what your boss says. Ever since you stepped into our clubroom that day you have no idea how much I've wished for the opportunity to explore every inch of your body. Two people attracted to each other have the right to judge for themselves where it should lead. Don't you see? Anyone who tries to obstruct something as beautiful as that is evil. It's not fair! People write their own futures; together ours could be beautiful.
Cheesy, isn't it? Most pre-rehearsed romance scripts are. Perhaps I should go the whole way and grow a handlebar moustache for this scene.
"Kyaaa. T-this isn't meant to happen. But I can't..."
I silence her with a kiss. Pretty smooth, huh?
Suddenly there's the sound of a door banging against its frame.
"There you two are! Don't you dare skip out on Brigade meeti-"
…
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
The last sensation I experience before the world is ripped from existence is not the soft lips of Asahina-san but the hurtling fist of Haruhi Suzumiya connecting with my chin. All great fun. Better not go down that path either, then.
Ah! The third and final option, the one I desperately try to ignore but find myself drawn back to, again and again. Haruhi herself. How can she possibly object to romance if it's her I'm going out with? She's not unattractive. Despite her arrogance and rudeness, she has many redeeming personality traits. Charisma, certainly. A sense of fun, definitely. Are things the way Koizumi claims? The crazy fantasist and the realist. Yin and yang. Each balancing the faults of the other. A natural pairing? Perhaps we really are two sides of the same whole. Maybe we're destined to "complete" each other? A lot of the time such ideas seem crazy, but if recent history has taught me anything then its taught me to have an open mind.
Koizumi likes his philosophy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those close-minded anti-intellectuals who'd call it a worthless field with no practical value. But just how does this theory get enacted in practice? Forget "blood from a stone", getting her to talk about her feelings is about as easy as extracting several dozen full sets of organs from Ayres Rock. In the heat of the moment who knows what she might do? Looks like someone ordered the extra-large shinjin surprise.
But let's imagine for a moment what happens even if we do somehow get together. I'm sure – or at least as sure as I can be without exploring further – that there's something between us. Regardless, a lot of the time we really do rub each other up the wrong way. She doesn't like my sarcasm. I don't like her arrogance. A romance between us wouldn't be all rainbows and frolicking merrily through fields. What happens when I can no longer control myself and some great argument is unavoidable? I'm sure you get the idea by now.
In case you're a little slow on the uptake, I'll remind you.
Wave goodbye to Earth and every living creature on it.
I hope by this stage you are starting to more fully understand the situation in which I find myself. Alongside maintaining the front of a normal, functioning high schooler, I have a full-time job trying to ensure the satisfaction of a flighty teenage girl with the powers of a God. Not only that, I'm an ordinary teenage boy with ordinary desires and a veritable feast of the feminine form laid out in front of me, none of which it's wise for me to go anywhere near if a life expectancy of longer than two minutes is my goal. As they say on the internet, FML.
Oh, and before anyone says anything, I meant what I said. Haruhi is the FINAL option. There is no Koizumi route in my heart. Deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic. But I had some very uneasy days a while back when Haruhi briefly developed a taste for yaoi manga. I don't really want to talk about it. I'll leave it at this; there's not enough therapy in the world.
Anyway, looking at it in the longer term, precisely what is going to happen when we all graduate and go our separate ways? I don't have anything even approaching the capacity to get into any university Haruhi would think of applying for. Pretty much the only way I could obtain the brain upgrade I'd need would be to convince her about her powers and hope that somehow she'd remain calm enough not to nuke several important laws of physics. Even then, I'd have to hope she had enough control over her abilities to increase my intellect sufficiently without sending shards of exploding brain flying out of my ears. Hey, maybe Nagato does a sideline in brain surgery. Maybe I can get my cyberbrain decades ahead of time...
Having ruled out such fanciful nonsense plans, I can imagine only too well what happens when life forces us to go in different directions. Either your standard "closed space envelops world" scenario, a radical rewriting of reality done in anger, or perhaps if we're "lucky" a never-ending time loop to keep us together forever. None of these scenarios grant me or the world a particularly long life expectancy. Haruhi Suzumiya is a huge problem. One that's probably irresolvable.
Don't misunderstand, I don't hate her. Far from it. What would be the point? Besides, it wouldn't be fair. When it comes down to it, there's no way she could possibly begin to understand the position I'm in and the pressures she puts me under. It'd be like hating a cat for its inability to bark.
"Hey, Kyon. KYO~N! What the hell is wrong with you? Show some commitment to the Brigade for once. Stop daydreaming you doofus! You should be executed!"
Why is she shouting at me?
Oh. I see. Apparently spacing out during a club meeting is another of the offences for which the Queendom of Haruhi has legislated for the death penalty. Seriously, if she ever does create her own country, don't go there. It'll be worse than North Korea.
I really can't deal with her mood swings right now. One of the reasons I so rarely reflect on my situation is the unpleasant melancholy and fear for the future that such considerations inevitably provoke.
I don't feel too good. I think I'll head home early. I think I might have a fever or something.
Perhaps that excuse will work. Its covered some pretty weird behaviour before. Whatever. Right now I find it very difficult to care.
She doesn't understand. No one else ever will. I'm not asking for pity, it's just an objective statement of the facts.
###
Stupid Kyon, making me worry about him. And what was that crap he was muttering about when he left? What is it that I don't understand? Have you looked at our grades, moron? Anything you can grasp would be child's play for someone like me.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
And what's with those meaningful glances from mascot and sycophant? He said he was ill. Is that somehow my fault? Or…
Oh, I get it. He's not ill. He's upset because I shouted at him. Is that it? Why can't he say that instead of making some stupid excuse and fleeing the slightest hint of any confrontation? It's pathetic. What does he think I'm going to do if he talks to me honestly?
Sigh.
There's no point pretending otherwise. As usual I was probably the one out of line here. What is it about him that gets me so worked up? Am I really attracted to someone so boring, the poster boy for "ordinary"? Love is a mental illness. It makes people act stupidly and ties them down to boring things. I don't have time for distractions like that. That's why he's so frustrating.
You know what? I'm going after him. Brigade dismissed.
He's the one who doesn't understand. I thought he did, but, really, how could someone like that even begin to grasp it? I don't know if I can do any more than I have to explain it to him. I even told him that story. That baseball game I went to with my father during sixth grade. The feeling of being a speck of dirt in history. The way that everything, my whole life, suddenly looked meaningless. Another of these drones stumbling through life doing everyday things, eventually locking away their hopes and dreams in a box in some dark corner of their mind, opened only in quiet moments and promptly slammed shut again with embarrassment at attachment to such childish things.
I told him all of that. That's the most I've ever opened up to anyone. A hell of a lot more than I ever have to any of my short-lived boyfriends. Probably more than I have even to my parents. And can you guess what he said in response to all that?
"Is that so?"
What sort of lame answer is that?
He doesn't understand. No one else ever will. I'm not asking for pity, it's just an objective statement of the facts.
According to the educational authorities, apparently I'm "gifted". Perhaps that's why no one else gets it. Maybe for ordinary humans an everyday normal existence is enough of a challenge. I just have this feeling that somehow I'm destined for more. To do amazing things. But how in the hell am I meant to work out what it is I'm meant to do?
Before I set up this club the frustration was burning me up inside. I wouldn't talk to anyone. What was the point? Humans don't live long. Fail to use your full capacity and you're wasting the limited time you have, waiting to die. A lot of people don't understand depression, think that because it's "all in the mind" it's something you can "snap out" of, nothing serious at all. Bullshit. It's the most horrible feeling a person can experience. It corrodes you from the inside until all that's left is a doll, a hollow shell.
He helped me form this club. No, that's not enough. The whole thing was his idea. For all my supposed 'giftedness' I'd never have thought about it for a moment. I'd have joined some stupid club like the Mystery Study Group and quit in a rage after a couple of weeks. Probably after shoving the magnifying glasses and pipes of those pathetic Sherlock Holmes wannabes someplace really uncomfortable. I'd never have met any of the others, never made any friends.
I'd never have met Mikuru-chan. She's so cute that my urge to play with her almost causes physical pain until sated. I never thought I'd feel like that about another girl. All those costumes she's worn. My personal favourite is the maid. You can't go wrong with maids. Ahh…if I was the protagonist in some dumb gag anime my nose would be bleeding heavily now thinking about it.
I'd never have met Koizumi either. No guy can be that sycophantic for so long without some ulterior motive. It's almost like he worships me. Sometimes it's a bit weird if I'm honest, but what girl wouldn't like to be treated like that occasionally? Every girl needs a "yes man".
Last, but not least, I'd never have met Yuki. The indispensable silent character. Sometimes I get the impression that Kyon thinks he's the only one who can read the slight changes in her expression and understand what's going on within. He's not. I get it too. She's lonely. It's not the same as with Mikuru-chan. It's not lust or anything dirty like that. But sometimes in quiet moments I stare at her and feel this incredible urge to pick her up and take her home with me.
Kyon? What about him? Kyon is Kyon.
Don't misunderstand, that burning frustrated feeling is still there in the background, but since I met him and the others I'm the happiest I think I've ever been. He saved me. You might think that's an overly dramatic way of putting it. If so, you're an idiot. It's exactly what he did.
Do I dare risk this club and whatever the hell it is I have with him and the others because of some stupid notion that I might be attracted to him? Of course not. That's something only an idiot would do. So instead I let this stupid tension build up, shout at him and treat him like dirt. Well done Haruhi. Clap clap. Great plan. "Gifted"? What a load of crap.
I've got to make this right. But what if I can't find him? What if he won't come back?
Wait! There he is! If I keep running maybe I'll catch him in a hundred metres or so.
But what the heck is it that I plan to do once I get there?
The only thing I can do. Something I never do. I'm going to apologise. We're going to patch things up and tomorrow everything will be back to exactly how it was. The only way it can ever be.
He stops and turns round. He's looking straight at me.
Kyon, I'm sorry.
"Well there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear."
Don't joke around, idiot. I'm being serious. I'm sorry.
"What for?"
Isn't it obvious? Don't push your luck. I said I'm sorry, okay?
"That doesn't sound like a particularly heartfelt apology."
I wonder if I need to build a flashing neon sign that says "NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SNARK".
For God's sake! Why do I always have to spell everything out for you? Why can't you just understand for once? I'm sorry!
"Why? That's a very good question."
What's with that weird answer? Why is he staring off into space again? Does this mean we're okay now? What am I meant to do? What the heck is this?
Eventually he brings his palm to his face.
"You know, I think that all this time I've been looking at everything completely backwards. You're right. I really am a moron."
What the hell is he going on about now?
He probably finds my expression of complete bewilderment amusing. What an ass. He laughs to himself wryly. Someone needs to punch him through a truck.
"No one really understands anyone else. None of us know what the future holds or the consequences of our actions."
He grins, aware of how ridiculous he sounds. Well, at least he's self-aware.
"With the exception perhaps of time travellers."
And even then, their bosses would probably do some weird kind of brainwashing to stop them revealing the "classified information" to anyone else, right?
Kyon seems to find this statement absolutely hilarious. For some reason I find myself laughing too. After around half a minute he finally resumes his train of thought. Maybe in his head it's some great profound statement but so far it sounds to me like some lame amateur cod-philosophizing.
"When it comes down it, we don't know what's going to happen. Any choice we make can be the wrong one. Any important decision we get wrong can destroy the world we've built for ourselves. Love, friendships. All can be broken just like that." He snaps his fingers.
Wait. What the hell? Is he some sort of esper? This is almost exactly what I was thinking a moment ago…
Kyon, I understand.
He sighs. "I really doubt you do."
Suddenly it feels like I'm having a "eureka moment". A metaphorical light-bulb above my head.
Shut up and listen for a moment. The world is full of things we don't understand. You're a member of the SOS Brigade. We seek out incredible things everyday. Do you think I don't know that some of these things might hurt us? But we still jump in and pursue them. Why? Because life is more interesting that way. More worth living. Think about this like a proper member of the Brigade!
He looks confused. Jeez, do I have to spell out everything for you? If such simple words are too confusing for you maybe I should communicate purely through the means of an Etch A Sketch.
You've got no reliable guide as to the consequences of an action. How would a Brigade member judge what to do?
###
"Go with your heart"
We both say the same words in perfect synchronization. Now, you might think that romantic. In reality it sounded creepy as hell.
Wait. Don't tell me. She's been feeling exactly the same thing? Scared about the consequences? The girl who grabs life by the horns and repeatedly punches it in the face till it follows her will? What reason could she possibly have to be scared?
I don't understand her. But you know, maybe I don't need to. Just because two people can't ever fully "get" each other doesn't mean that things between them can't work out. I always thought I was a rational guy. But please, someone remind me. What is so rational about letting fear run your life?
Oh God. She's moving in closer with a crazy grin on her face. Does this mean…
"Hey, doofus! Stop staring at me like I've got three noses. You have permission to kiss your Brigade Chief. What's your decision?"
My decision? One I should have made long ago. But you know what? Regrets are pointless. Screw the past. Sod all the potential futures. All we have is now and I'm going to live the wonderful gift that is the present in the spirit of the SOS Brigade.
Our SOS Brigade.
END