Elizabeth had forgotten how to love.
Elizabeth had forgotten how to feel.
Elizabeth had forgotten what it felt like to be loved.
Elizabeth had forgotten what it felt like having a spark with another person.
Elizabeth had forgotten that people could genuinely care and love others, without having an ulterior motive.
She hadn't forgotten the heartache, betrayal, and anger she felt when she had her heart broken several years back. Perhaps that was why she ended up in a relationship with Simon. He was her safety net; always there for her, never second guessing her. He was reliable…and yes, predicable. But he would always be there for her; he wouldn't hurt her, or so she thought.
So when Simon told her that he'd met someone else, it had taken Elizabeth by surprise.
Perhaps Elizabeth was being ridiculous in thinking that they could somehow maintain their relationship that was the real reason she wanted Simon to go back with them. She needed to prove to Simon that although her work was important, so was he.
But, just who was Elizabeth really tying to kid? Simon? Or herself?
Neither of them were naïve; Simon knew Elizabeth would always put her work first. Perhaps that's was why she asked him: to prove not only to herself, but to him, that he was important… just not as important as her work.
Simon learnt that the hard way, but he didn't deserve finding out the truth via video. He deserved confrontation - it was the least Elizabeth could have done. But the Pentagon wouldn't allow it and if Elizabeth had to be honest, she couldn't help feeling relieved at their decision.
At the time, she wasn't ready to face Simon, ready to face that look of betrayal or the anguish of letting Simon know that time and time again she would continue to put her work ahead of him.
Simon had been right when he reminded her that she was the adventurous one, not him. Yes, he may have been right in breaking up with her, but it still didn't excuse the heartache she felt afterwards.
Which was why she couldn't afford to go through it all again: the heartache, the anguish, betrayal, and anger. After all, if Elizabeth allowed herself to become involved with someone and it ended tragically, who wasn't to say that it wouldn't break her emotionally?
Mike was a surprise.
Yes he was cute, but she wasn't interested in him. Which was why Elizabeth should've been more adamant in refusing to date him or at least told him that she was interested in someone else, but it had happened so quickly that she hadn't processed it all.
Of course, had Teyla not given the go ahead to cancel their lunch….plans, Elizabeth wouldn't be in the predicament she now found herself in.
And it wasn't as if they were cancelling a lunch date, so why did Elizabeth think differently?
It couldn't possibly be a lunch date, because, well, this was Teyla.
And Teyla?
Well, Teyla was unattainable. Not because there was the possibility of Teyla being involved with someone, but because if Teyla was involved, then that someone would be a man. But was there any sure way of knowing Teyla's sexuality, without Elizabeth, possibly outing herself and making a fool out if herself?
No.
Was Teyla's sexuality really any of her business?
No. No, it wasn't.
And Elizabeth couldn't very well walk up to Teyla and blatantly ask her whether or not she liked to fuck women.
It wasn't as simple as that, then again, was anything really that simple? This…being attracted to…women, wasn't exactly something Elizabeth was used to. Granted, she was aware that a few female personnel found her "hot" and "attractive" which in itself was unexpected, but, flattering, nevertheless very flattering, for that matter.
But, it wasn't that straightforward.
This was different.
Having women lust after her was one thing, but for Elizabeth, to be attracted to another woman was an entirely different matter. One she wasn't used to.
And…in all honesty, Elizabeth found her attraction to Teyla, peculiar.
Not because being gay was wrong or seen as "an abomination," because being gay wasn't wrong and it certainly wasn't "an abomination." Sexuality was sexuality, after all. It wasn't what defined a person-in spite of what some people liked to believe.
Nor was her attraction toward Teyla, peculiar because they were mismatched. If anything, they were perfectly suited for one another, in more ways than one. Teyla was her counterpart, after all. Teyla was the only one who knew the true burdens of leadership. The only one Elizabeth was willing to allow herself to open up to, show her vulnerability.
Teyla was the only one for whom Elizabeth would risk it all for: the heartache, pain, and vulnerability.
It was peculiar, because, the thought of finding another woman, let alone Teyla, attractive and wanting her had never once crossed Elizabeth's mind.
It was never seen as a possibility.
Elizabeth had never experimented in college, let alone high school. She had never drunkenly kissed her best friend. Hell, the thought never crossed her mind and why would it have? Boys, and Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe, interested her. So what if "Everybody was doing it"? She would rather have made out with Owen Hamlin, than kissed a girl, just to fit in with the "in crowd."
But, that was then and this?
This was now.
And Elizabeth wasn't any the wiser. Nor was she naïve, for that matter.
It wasn't impossible for a straight person to find themselves attracted to someone of the same sex or for a gay person to suddenly find themselves attracted to a member of the opposite sex.
Nevertheless, she wasn't gay.
She couldn't possibly be gay, she just happened to be attracted to someone of the same sex. That didn't make her gay.
Did it?
Surely there would have been some sort of indication, some sort of warning? This sort of thing doesn't creep upon a person.
It sounded ludicrous, Elizabeth knew that, but again, this wasn't something she was used to. Not only was this new, it was downright confusing.
Was she or wasn't she gay?
Perhaps she was bisexual?
No. That couldn't be it.
… Could it?
Why was this so complicated? Why so much confusion over her sexuality?
After all, this was Teyla!
And God, did it really matter that Teyla could render her silent, give her butterflies in the pit of her stomach, make her palms sweat, make her heart beat at what appeared to be 100 miles per minute with the possibility that her heart would rip out of her chest, and at any given moment, distract her with a simple smile, touch, or laugh?
Did it matter that Elizabeth began noticing things about Teyla she never noticed before? Like how undeniably hot Teyla looked in her sparring outfit and uniform, or how Teyla's sparring outfit revealed all her curves and muscles, including Teyla's perfectly shaped ass and flat abdomen.
Since when did she see start seeing Teyla, in this unexpected new light? So she happened to be attracted to Teyla, again it begged the question; how did this make her gay?
How could she be straight one minute and gay the next? If she couldn't understand, then, how could she expect Teyla to?
Why did everything have to be so damn complicated?
The last thing Elizabeth wanted to do was to freak Teyla out by letting it slip that she was attracted to her. In this case, honesty wouldn't be the best policy. Not when it meant risking everything, including their friendship, for something…that could very well be in passing.
Something that could very well be in passing?!
What the hell was she thinking?
Elizabeth might as well have said those four dreaded and downright ridiculous words out aloud, because saying "It could very well be in passing," was exactly like some idiotic straight person asking "Is it just a phase?"
Why couldn't her feelings over her sexuality be straightforward? Why the hell did they have to be so complicated?
Elizabeth couldn't very well talk to Heightmeyer about this, because Kate wouldn't understand "I think I'm gay. Then again, it could just be a phase, who knows?"
Yes, wouldn't that go down a storm? Not to mention that some things were best left alone when it came to talking to the local residential shrink.
One thing was for certain; Elizabeth needed time, a lot of time. She needed time to think, needed time to clear her head, needed time to gather her thoughts and try to make sense of it all. Try to make sense of whether or not she was gay.
And the last thing Elizabeth expected was to be stranded on an Ancient drilling station in a week's time; consequently spending most of her time with Teyla.
Elizabeth sighed wearily; barely hearing the doors swish open as she leant further into the railings.
"May I join you?"
Elizabeth shifted uneasily.
This wasn't happening.
Elizabeth struggled to ignore the sudden quickening of her heart. She tried ignoring her sudden loss of voice and the dry lump that had formed in her throat.
It took her a moment to realize that she hadn't answered Teyla. She gave a small nod, her focus firmly fixed on the ocean. She looked anywhere except at Teyla, because looking at Teyla would mean giving up control.
What she wouldn't have given for a Wraith dart to beam her up.
She could hear Teyla's footsteps approach.
"Elizabeth…"
God, who knew her name could sound so exotic? Elizabeth gripped the railings, closing her eyes for a brief second, inhaling, hoping Teyla didn't notice her tremor. She must have, as Teyla placed a hand on her shoulder, slightly startling Elizabeth in the process.
"Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth cringed at Teyla's concern; again Teyla noticed. Have I done something to offend you?"
"No," she croaked, immediately wincing. Awkwardly, Elizabeth cleared her throat before meeting Teyla's concerned gaze. "No, no you haven't. Today… must have taken more out of me than I realized."
Elizabeth knew Teyla didn't buy her lie, but at this particular moment Elizabeth couldn't have cared less.
All she wanted was for Teyla to take several steps back, or leave before she said or did something incredibly stupid. Like notice how soft, how moist Teyla's lips were; how the lip-gloss glistened against her lips. Or worse, notice how close Teyla's breasts were, how perky the breasts were, and notice Teyla's taunt nipples through her black top.
Unfortunately, Teyla did neither. In reply, Elizabeth let out an exasperated sigh, closing her eyes.
This was too much; Teyla was too much.
"Earlier today, you told me that you trusted me," Teyla's voice, cracked slightly. "What has changed…what have I, done to change your perception, so quickly?"
Slowly Elizabeth opened her eyes, meeting Teyla's anguished gaze. "Teyla," she hesitated, uncertain of her next plan of action. Teyla was standing so close, and all Elizabeth could think about doing was kissing the younger woman.
If she was to kiss Teyla, not only would there be no going back, but there would be the consequences, and Elizabeth wasn't sure if she was ready to deal with the consequences.
However, at this particular moment, whether or not she was ready seemed irrelevant, when all Elizabeth wanted, all she could think about doing was kissing Teyla.
How could they maintain a friendship, when all she could think about was kissing Teyla?
Was this a sign of things to come?
Would it always be this way?
"Teyla," Elizabeth licked the bottom of her lip, meeting Teyla's gaze. "You haven't …" Elizabeth paused. This was harder than she thought. "I can't do this... I'm so sorry." She surprised herself, by her sudden honesty. "I can't do this to you."
Elizabeth walked by Teyla, ignoring her bewildered look, which certainly wasn't helped by Teyla grabbing her hand and pulling her closer. Immediately, Elizabeth pulled her hand back, startling Teyla as a result.
"It isn't fair on either of us," Elizabeth continued calmly, briefly meeting Teyla's anguished gaze.
"I do not understand." Teyla's voice was soft; softer than she'd ever heard it.
Before Elizabeth knew what she was doing, she kissed Teyla, hard. God, her lips were soft, and fruity. Elizabeth felt Teyla tense as a result. She pulled back a moment later, meeting Teyla's bewildered and stunned gaze. "That's why," her voice cracked.
Elizabeth took several steps back, back towards the city, and the doors swished open. "Every time I see you, I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. I want to be …" she trailed off.
She couldn't bring herself to tell Teyla, that she wanted to be loved…by her. She watched as Teyla, struggled to process it all. "That's why," Elizabeth reiterated, before making her way back inside.