Better Than Me, a twilight fanfic

BETTER THAN ME

I think you can do much better than me

After all the lies I made you believe

Guilt kicks in and I start to see

The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be.

I was curled up on the bed; the same song playing that always was playing because it framed my life at this point perfectly.

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you.

I really miss your hair in my face,

And the way your innocence tastes.

And I think you should know this:

You're so much better than me.

Bella. Bella. Bella. That's all my mind focuses on. I can't escape her face, I can't escape her smell, her smile, her intelligence, Her love. That's what I cling to the most. The fact that she loved me, she can't anymore. Not after all that I did to her. She can't possibly love me after that.

I can remember her face when I told her I didn't love her. Her face was so utterly broken and on the edge of tears. I can still feel my heart, the one thing I haven't felt in over a hundred years, breaking and crumbling. I wanted to comfort her so badly, tell her that I did still love her. I couldn't though, if I didn't break it off now, I never would. She'd never get to have her normal life, away from all the danger I have created for her. I had to do this for her. I had to.

While looking through your old box of notes

I found those pictures I took that you were looking for

If there's one Memory I don't wanna lose;

That time at the mall,

You and me in the dressing room.

Her face, her smell, her smile. Why can't I forget them? The pain is rolling over me in waves again. It hurts so much I can't move a muscle, I can't breathe. Sometimes I wish that I could die of not breathing so that the suffering would end. I hadn't fed in weeks and my eyes were like onyx now, I hadn't seen my reflection in months, but I knew what I must look like; a pathetic creature, the monster I was made me haggard. The bruise-like shadows under my eyes would be substantial and my eyes dark. I can't believe that I had lasted this long away from my heart.

I hope she was taking care of herself. She was a smart girl, she would see that I meant best for her and she would get over me. A small part of me, though, still wanted her to want me, to remember me and hope that I would come back someday soon. I tried to ignore that part, it made living so much harder.

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you.

I really miss your hair in my face,

And the way your innocence tastes.

And I think you should know this:

You're so much better than me.

The song was reaching the climax now, it made the pain so much worse because I knew it was right, but I just couldn't find the will to move and turn it off. As the song reached the top of the chorus, I started to cry without tears, the sobs wracked through my body as my grief kept me in its headlock.

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

Wish I never would have said it's over

And I can't pretend

I won't think about you when I'm older

Cause we never really had a closer

This can't be the end

end.

The silver phone beside me on the bed started to ring. I screwed up my will and picked it up.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice hoarse. Rosalie's voice came through the headset to my surprise.

"I have some bad news, Edward.

Bella's committed suicide, she jumped off a cliff."

I froze, my mouth open, my eyes wide. I must have heard her wrong, she must be lying. Bella couldn't be dead, she couldn't. No, no, no, no, no. I had to talk to her, prove Rosalie was lying.

I hung up on Rosalie without even a goodbye. I quickly dialed Bella's number, one of all the things I remembered about her. It rung three times, each one filled me with more dread. Finally someone picked up, but it wasn't Bella.

"Hello?" a gruff voice said into the phone. I switched tactics instantly, faking Carlisle's accent.

"Is Charlie there?" I asked, I knew he would be there if Bella really was… I couldn't bring myself to think the word.

"He's at the funeral."

No.

"Thank you, goodbye." I hung up before the boy could get in another word. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, couldn't talk. The only thing I heard was that damn song.

I really miss your hair in my face,

And the way your innocence tastes.

And I think you should know this:

You're so much better than me.

I really miss your hair in my face,

And the way your innocence tastes.

And I think you should know this:

You're so much better than me.