Core Interrogation
Background: The Core Alliance is the tag of the union of Purple Void and Teal Nebula. They recently joined forces to defeat the Bolt Guard. Exmer and his younger sister Misty are the diplomats and COs holding a millitary embassy north of Bearan Island. (I'm going to upload the fic based on this but it needs rewriting first).
Disclaimer: I don't own Advance Wars or any associated characters. They belong to Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. Nor do I own CoRe, ARM, K-bots or nanolathing. They belong to Cavedog, rest in peace.
Credit: Kudos to ApplejuiceMaster and Ultimate Aries for letting me use the quiz idea.
Warnings: Sex themes, swearing, some OOC-ness. You have been warned.
"Well…" Exmer muttered. "This certainly is a big, round room…"
A hemisphere of steel plating was the room for this survey Core high command had requested. Jake looked at the sheets of paper on one of the desks.
"Looks simple enough." He said. "We just sit down, roll through the questions, and bounce out of here."
"Everyone take a seat, then." Exmer suggested. Everyone sat and had a look at the top sheet of the survey.
Welcome. Thankyou for participating in this survey. This is intended for entertainment purposes alone. Note well, however, that by picking up the pen from the bay in front of you, you are committing to finish the test. The papers and pens are also equipped with chronograph equipment and will deliver an electric shock should you fail to answer a question honestly and completely.
"Shocks? Oh well." Rachel picked up her pen, as did everyone, some a little slowly. Everyone started scribbling.
ZZAP!
"Augh, blast!" Hawke whipped around to abuse Exmer for this stupid test, but saw the teenager had a large amount of his hair ruffled and sticking out, held by energy from the shocks.
"What?"
"Nothing…"
ZZAP!
"Ow, geez!" Rachel dropped the pen and shook her hand.
"What have you got to lie about?" Jake asked.
"Some of these questions are ridiculous! 'What underwear are you wearing?' Who wrote this thing?"
"SWEET HOLY SON OF A MOTHER FUCKER, MY SHOCK CAPACITORS ARE OVERLOADING!"
"Not Exmer, apparently." ZZAP! "Ow… Okay, done. Let's put these things in the slot."
Full Name: Jake Kirmov. My father's Green Earth six generations ago.
Age: Twenty-one (ZZAP!) Okay, twen- (ZZAP!) NINETEEN! This thing is good.
Height: A few inches shorter than average.
Hair: Blonde.
Eyes: Green.
Birthplace: Orange Star (ZZAP!) Ow! Okay, six inches into Blue Moon water.
Favourite place lived: Blue Moon.
Do you have any piercings, if so, where: My ears. (ZZAP!) Okay, my navel's pierced.
Do you have any tattoos, if so, where: One. (ZZAP!) An Orange Star on my left forearm. Standard issue.
Do you have any pets: No.
Ever been in love: Yes.
Bad habit: None. (ZZAP!) Okay, my music I guess…
Are you addicted to anything, if so, what: See above.
Favourite word: Rawk!
Favourite day of the week: Sunday. The day I get to visit Sasha.
Favourite non-alcoholic drink: Lemonade.
Favourite dirty word: I don't (ZZAP!) all right, already, boobs!
Favourite part of body: Not saying (ZZAP!) See above… (Blushes) on females, mind.
Favourite holiday: Independence Day. The movie kicks ass.
Favourite food: Donuts. As in the warm, jam-filled, rich ones.
Favourite sport: Mixing music. (ZZAP!) You can't honestly (ZZAP!) That was a joke! (ZZAP!) Okay, okay, sex…
Stupidest thing you ever did: Took a month's worth of the pill as a dare. That messed up my head.
Stupidest thing you ever did (in public): Grabbing Rachel's butt in front of Nell. My ears were ringing for hours and it wasn't my music.
Silliest job you ever had: Cleaning tank carbonators. Those things don't survive long enough to need cleaning.
Silliest word: Oddsbodikins. Mum's favourite, but it shits me up the wall.
What colour socks are you wearing right now: Red.
What colour underwear are you wearing right now: What kind of (ZZAP!) owowow, okay, white… (ZZAP!) With teddy bear prints…
Most annoying thing is: Nell. If it weren't for her Rachel and I'd be sharing a room… What? We're friends, okay? Just friends. (Paper decides not to shock him; he seems to be telling the truth.)
Now for the questions everyone wants to know!
Are you a virgin: Yes. (ZZAP!) Okay, lame lie, no.
Ever had sex: Isn't this the same? (ZZAP!) Argh, yes!
Are you gay: No.
Are you attracted to the same sex: like hell.
Do you have any kinky fantasies, if so, what: No. (ZZAP!) Yeah. (ZZAP!) Girl-boy-girl threesome!
Thank you for your time.
Full Name: Exmer of the Core alliance. Forgot my last name.
Age: Seventeen
Height: Five foot six.
Hair: Aquamarine. Should be teal except I'm from Purple Void so I call it that to avoid confusion.
Eyes: Blue.
Birthplace: Somewhere in Purple Void.
Favourite place lived: The battlefront.
Do you have any piercings, if so, where: My ears and my right shoulder where I was once hit with an anti-infantry round. (ZZAP!) ARRGH, who told you about my capacitors? Okay, I won't be a smartarse.
Do you have any tattoos, if so, where: One saying 'Forever bonded, my sister Misty' on my right upper arm.
Do you have any pets: No (ZZAP!) You have a quota to fill, don't you? I call Misty 'Pet' sometimes, but that's just a nickname.
Ever been in love: Yes, I am.
Bad habit: Hacking soldier's targeting and optic gear to render the Core insignia over my face. I watch too much Ghost in the Shell.
Are you addicted to anything, if so, what: Neko Love manga. Anthropomorphic cat romance. (ZZAP!) Okay, parts are a little graphic… (ZZAP!) Hentai, then! But I read it for the story. Really.
Favourite word: CRAPFUCK!
Favourite day of the week: Monday. I get to yell orders for the week.
Favourite non-alcoholic drink: No booze? Okay, double sarsaparilla.
Favourite dirty word: ARM. (ZZAP!) I deserved that. You're high command, you'll know why that acronym's dirty.
Favourite part of body: Eyes. Or ears, if you're a Neko.
Favourite holiday: Easter! Special edition Neko Love!
Favourite food: The dessert Christie does called 'Ectoplasm'. No idea what's in it but it's gummy and sweet!
Favourite sport: RTS gaming. (ZZAP!) Doesn't count? Chess.
Stupidest thing you ever did: None. (ZZAP!) Asked Christie for sex. I'm a flaming teen, for fuck's sake, my hormones rule my mind!
Stupidest thing you ever did (in public): No comment. (ZZAP!) CRAPFUCK! Okay, same as above, but with her mother in the room and the security cameras on. The subcommanders still blackmail me with that one.
Silliest job you ever had: Day-care. For the K-bots while they built up central consciousness. I had to program the f-word into their memory so they understood me when I told them to put down the subcommander.
Silliest word: I'm not going to write it. (ZZAP!) Supercalifragalisticexpealidocious. Shits me to no end. If someone says 'Super-calibre' around me they stress the end of 'calibre', lest they get shot. Repeatedly.
What colour socks are you wearing right now: Um… (Checks) Green and orange. Odd pair. Can't be bothered sorting them.
What colour underwear are you wearing right now: White.
Most annoying thing is: Downtime. War is hell, but peace is fucking boring.
Now for the questions everyone wants to know!
Are you a virgin: No.
Ever had sex: YES, I did actually bed Christie once, and I'm planning to do it again, okay?
Are you gay: No. (ZZAP!) What was that for? I'M NOT GAY!
Are you attracted to the same sex: No.
Do you have any kinky fantasies, if so, what: Neko costume. Christie. You do the math.
Thank you for your time.
Full Name: Hawke. That's it. (ZZAP!) Chastain-Leo.
Age: 32.
Height: 6'4"
Hair: Grey.
Eyes: Grey.
Birthplace: Black Hole.
Favourite place lived: … (ZZAP!) I have to answer this? Orange Star.
Do you have any piercings, if so, where: None. (ZZAP!) My tongue. I was drunk.
Do you have any tattoos, if so, where: None. (ZZAP!) BLAST! Lash put one on my back when I was drugged. I wouldn't have belted her if it didn't say "Property of Lash".
Do you have any pets: No.
Ever been in love: No. (ZZAP!) I'm not… (ZZAP! ZZZAAPP!) BLAST! OKAY, YES!
Bad habit: I smoke. Just cigarettes.
Are you addicted to anything, if so, what: Nicotine. And coffee.
Favourite word: … (Ruffling as paper prepares to shock him, then realizes Hawke's favourite word is silence)
Favourite day of the week: Tuesday.
Favourite non-alcoholic drink: Black coffee.
Favourite dirty word: … (ZZAP!) I've said fuck on occasion! Happy?
Favourite part of body: Shoulders. I rarely get a massage, but it's nice.
Favourite holiday: Boxing Day. Everyone's hung-over, so it's nice and quiet.
Favourite food: Duck.
Favourite sport: Hunting.
Stupidest thing you ever did: Hire Flak.
Stupidest thing you ever did (in public): Not telling. (ZZAP!) Fine, then! Kissed Lash. I'd had twelve bourbons at the time, I didn't know I'd done that until Adder so delicately reminded me the following morning.
Silliest job you ever had: Polishing Sturm's APC he never used.
Silliest word: Peace. It doesn't exist. If we don't fight each other we fight ourselves. Accept it.
What colour socks are you wearing right now: Black.
What colour underwear are you wearing right now: What kind of (ZZAP!) I refuse to answer this. (ongoing electrical shocks) OKAY! None! Happy?
Most annoying thing is: These bloody shocks!
Now for the questions everyone wants to know!
Are you a virgin: No.
Ever had sex: No wonder Core's so (ZZAP!) Okay. Yes.
Are you gay: No.
Are you attracted to the same sex: Fuck no.
Do you have any kinky fantasies, if so, what: (Long pause. Paper doesn't shock him as he appears to be thinking). Bondage. I'm not saying any more.
Thank you for your time.
Full Name: Rachel Ashworth.
Age: Twenty-two. (ZZAP!) OW! These shocks are real? Fine, twenty.
Height: Five foot four. Average.
Hair: Orange-blonde.
Eyes: Blue.
Birthplace: Orange Star, in dad's APC, on the outskirts of a skirmish.
Favourite place lived: Nubusa, a costal city on Bearan Island.
Do you have any piercings, if so, where: None (ZZAP!) Okay, two, but they're not appropriate (ZZAP!) Agh! My nipples! If you tell Nell I'll call in a favour and get you trod on by a K-bot.
Do you have any tattoos, if so, where: A standard issue Orange Star on my arm. (ZZAP!) And one on my lower back. (ZZAP!) More detail? It's of me dressed as a dominatrix.
Do you have any pets: I had a kitten once… It got ran over. I cried for days. At age sixteen. Nell still gives me grief for it.
Ever been in love: Yes.
Bad habit: None I'm going to (ZZAP!) Really, you can't (ZZAP!) Okay! I masturbate too much! Geez, this test is embarrassing!
Are you addicted to anything, if so, what: (Grumbles) see above…
Favourite word: Work!
Favourite day of the week: Monday!
Favourite non-alcoholic drink: Raspberry cordial syrup.
Favourite dirty word: I'm not going to (ZZAP!) Lesbians… (Blushes)
Favourite part of body: Legs.
Favourite holiday: Labour Day. I usually end up doing labour because this is the day when people like to call in favours and pile their paperwork onto me. Don't know why I like it…
Favourite food: Ice cream!
Favourite sport: Archery. On targets, I love animals too much.
Stupidest thing you ever did: Wondered why the recon I borrowed wouldn't start, then realized I was in a Core vehicle. Curse those silent alarms, I nearly got shot! (This is stupid when you consider Core recons are hovercraft.)
Stupidest thing you ever did (in public): I… (ZZAP!) I'm getting there! I gave myself a bit in my room. With my webcam on. And the connection open. Nell had a cardiac arrest and every male in the Allied Nations from grunt to CO has a copy of the footage on their private terminal.
Silliest job you ever had: Chimneysweep. In a field of tents.
Silliest word: Megatank. Come on, Green Earth, at least Neotank sounds cool.
What colour socks are you wearing right now: White with a pink stripe at the top.
What colour underwear are you wearing right now: What the hell kind of (ZZAP!) I'm not ans… (ZZAP!) White thong and I'm braless. Happy? (ZZAP!) You're doing this because I'm too honest, aren't you- (ZZAP!) I knew it!
Most annoying thing is: I don't want to be offensive… (ZZAP!) Sasha. She's too damn smug, even when she's playing dirty.
Now for the questions everyone wants to know!
Are you a virgin: Yes… (ZZAP!) Okay! No!
Ever had sex: …Yes… in a way…
Are you gay: N- okay! YES! I'M AS GAY AS SIN! I ADMIT IT!
Are you attracted to the same sex: SHIT YEAH!
Do you have any kinky fantasies, if so, what: TYING UP MY LOVER AND TEASING THE HELL OUT OF HER! … That was liberating, actually. Thanks.
Thank you for your time.
(Review, please. Feel free to nominate which characters you want me to do next. And since this is written in Australian English, I add 'u's to words like Favourite. If this annoys you, leave a polite note in your review and if enough of you don't like it I'll change it. Until next time.)