Howling of a wind has long stopped frightening you (there are other sounds). You are used to the utter loneliness. This is the end of the world, and it's neither pretty nor kind.
This is the place where you don't dare fear because here, fears come true.
(But you have nothing to fear.)
/
It's his playground, and he chose you. Long limbs and a smile (he is not the shorter one anymore), and you look away. You don't like being a toy, but this is the end of the world, and everything is wrong, and everything is his.
He breaks you little by little, every time – you wonder how much longer do you still have – how much before your soul is his and your body is left to quietly die (be devoured).
There is no escape.
/
He laughs and laughs and says pathetic over and over again.
/
He takes the willpower, captures attention, whispers promises in dark that you know are lies but still want to believe – his mouth is sinister but his face is beautiful (your brother's face)– how could he lie?
(Don't you love me?)
/
You deliberately forget how did it come to this. You do your best to forget how everything failed – you forgot about blue flames and ashes; you forgot there ever was Order of True Cross, exorcists – you never heard he should just die execute him kill him – you never pointed a gun at your brother. Did you even have a brother? Of course not.
(At night you dream of a boy named Rin who protected you from bullies and whose smile could warm up the entire world).
/
He likes the sound of soul breaking.
/
This is what he does: he appears.
He smiles wickedly and devours with his (Rin's) eyes. He chooses, he plays, and he discards.
He breaks you into pieces, time and time again (those hands you used to bandage up whenever he got hurt…)
/
(You hope-)
/
Your love, he demands. Your body, your love, your soul, your humanity, and doesn't wait for you to give. He takes whenever and whatever he pleases, robs you and laughs while he holds you.
Your body follows his (Rin's) and you are having sex (making love) without sound. That's the only thing you can still deny.
(You want to call his name)
/
(Sometimes you dream of what if's and might-have-beens and your father teaching you how to be stronger and everything that is lost; everything that never existed)
/
You get the preferential treatment because you are still his precious son. You are weak; you wouldn't last long here, not without him.
(Lies, lies, lies; he does it to torment you because you used to be brothers, you and this not-Rin, in a world that was never real, in a life that was just a hallucionation)
You sometimes let him kiss you.
/
You can't stop me.
/
And he laughs and laughs and you think Rin; you think sorry. You think of your father; you think failure.
You taste ashes on your tongue.
/
It is a place with bare necessities. No warmth, no welcome. You get here and this is where you stay. No inferno. No demons. You are protected (beloved; ha ha).
You think, not a bad place. You think, I could get used to this. You do.
(At night you sleep next to him, your heart thud-thud-thud-thudthudthuding, praying to whatever God there is).
There is no God. (Just like there was no one named Rin)
/
You definitely do not remember how he resurfaced from Gehenna, clad in flames and maniacal laughter and raining chaos and destruction.
(His eyes were blue and his hair soft, so soft)
/
You will never admit you are grateful that he spends the nights in your bed – you will never admit the world outside doesn't frighten you when he is around.
(He is the one you should be afraid of – you are afraid of; when his eyes glint and his neck is offered before you)
/
(There are sounds, and you really, really don't want to know the source of them.)
/
(It burns, seeing him here, it hurts, it's-)
He stands relaxed, face impassive, and eyes cold (burning burning; his blue flames)
(Won't you stop me?)
and you think, I can't – and – brother – and -
- you shoot.