Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC. Lyrics for Separate Lives belong to Phil Collins.

Content: Heartache, angst,

Rating

Hey everyone. This is a short one shot based around the Phil Collins song Separate lives. (Lyrics in bold) I heard this song in work today for the first times in ages, and as I was listening this came to me. I probably should have spent more time on it but I really want to concentrate on my main piece 'Beyond Grace.' Separate lives It is very angsty but I hope you enjoy it. Just for added effect you should also have a wee listen of the song too. Just to say that I totally love the idea of Boyd & Grace together …. I know this is different, but please don't hate me! I'm still learning so any reviews would be welcome. Thank you for reading. Xx

Separate Lives

The sound of the telephone made Boyd jump. The sharp shrill cutting through the silence that was engulfing his office where he was working. Glancing quickly at the clock he wonder who would be ringing him at this time of night. Who would know he was in the office at 10.30pm. As he lifted the receiver he inwardly sighed, who was he kidding, everyone knew he would be in the office at this time of night. Where else would he be?

"Detective Superintendent Boyd." he gruffly answered.

"Hi Boyd." The familiar gentle voice made Boyd smile.

"Grace, how are you? How's the holiday going?" Boyd sat back in his chair genuinely pleased to hear the voice of his friend on the other end of the line. Although admittedly they hadn't been what you would call friendly lately. Things had changed; their relationship had changed from one of best friends and lovers to something he could only describe as passable colleagues.

You call me from the room of your hotel, all full of romance for someone that you met.

"I'm really good, having a great time thank you very much." Grace tried to sound upbeat.

"And John, I hope he is looking after you." The surge of jealously that was pumping through his body was overwhelming as he spoke.

"Erm …. Yes ….. Yes he's good, he's just popped out for a while." she causally replied.

"At 10.30pm, where the hell's he going?" Boyd couldn't help be suspicious of the man, and had tried to reason with himself that it was the policeman in him. Still he knew that his instincts were barely wrong.

Grace paused for a bit before answering. "Just for a walk." She didn't want to tell him that they had had a blazing row and he had stormed out. How that for the last few days she had resented the fact it was John on holiday with her and not Boyd and had been picking fights with him. That their last fight was about him. "Anyway that's not important right now, I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry for leaving you in the lurch this week, it was so ... so last minute."

"That's okay." he lied. He had been so annoyed with her just announcing that she was taking the following week off and going on holiday with a man she has only just met. He knew that he had let it get to him and for that matter so did everyone else who came into contact with him for the rest of that day and all of the following week. "So what's up Gracie?"

She closed her eyes at how he said her name. He hadn't called her Gracie in a long time and it made her heart ache. "Erm I was just sitting here alone and realised that I actually missed you so I thought I would give you a call to see how you were doing." Surprised at her own honestly she continued. "So tell me how's things there …are you missing me then?"

And telling me how sorry you were at leaving so soon. And that you missed me sometimes when you're alone in your room. Do I feel lonely too?"

"Have you been drinking?" Boyd's emotions were running riot. Part of him so happy to hear her voice, so happy to hear her say that she missed him, but he felt so overwhelmed at what they had been through these last few months. She had hurt him, and he knew that he had in turn hurt her too. Now here she is saying these things to him. She had no right to play with his emotions.

"Erm ….. Maybe one or two." Grace admitted knowing it was more like six or seven … "I'm on holiday Boyd, it's allowed. You are avoiding my question though, do you miss me?" The alcohol had obviously loosening any inhibitions.

You have no right to ask me how I feel; You have no right to speak to me so kind. I can't go on just holding onto ties. So for now we go on living separate lives.

Boyd closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He wanted to tell her just how much he missed her. How that every day seemed so dark without her around. How he missed them both huddled together talking, putting the world to right. How he missed searching her eyes, missed her smile and the smell of her perfume. How he missed her touch. He wanted to tell her all these things, but he couldn't. Too much had happened since he had opened up to her the last time.

"Grace, I don't think we should get into this right now, do you?" Boyd really didn't want to have this conversation when she was drunk, and hundreds of miles away. The memory of their last 'real' conversation the night they split up playing over in his mind.

"I love you Gracie, always have, always will, but I just can't give you what you want. I can't promise happy ever afters, I can't promise I'll change my ways. I am who I am, and I don't deserve your love. I won't put you through it." He knew that he loved her with all his heart, but it wasn't enough.

"If you wanted this to work Peter you would make the effort, what you are saying is that you don't love me enough to even try."

"Aww that's crap Grace that's not what I'm saying at all and you know it, I'm saying that I have tried, …am trying and I can't change, not for anyone."

"Not even for me?" Grace searched his face watching the waves of emotions that danced upon it."

Boyd took her hands and ran his thumb over her knuckles as he softly said "I'm saying not even for ME Grace."

Grace suppressed the lump in her throat that was threatening to choke her and stood up to leave. "Well I guess that's it then. It's obvious that we can't go on like this, holding onto ties from the past few years, we are just going over the same old things, having the same old fights and tearing each other to bits. I don't want to hurt like this anymore or to continue hurting you. It's time to let it go - move on."

Her words had pierced Boyd's soul. He wished more than anything that he could have given her the guarantee that she needed, but he didn't want to promise her something he knew that he was incapable of. He couldn't be untrue, not to Grace.

Their relationship change beyond recognition after that night. Both of them hurting, both of them wishing things were different. They passed themselves civilly in the office, but they no longer shared their personal thoughts with one another, no longer share intimate dinners, no longer touched or tasted one another. Theirs were only stolen glances when they thought the other wasn't looking. Did he miss her ... more than she could ever imagine. He missed her more than anyone or anything else.

"Boyd it's a simple question, you either miss me or you don't, even now you can't admit how you truly feel." Boyd could tell by Grace's tone that she was annoyed as she continued ….

"Well I held on to let you go, and if you lost your love for me well you never let it show"

Boyd interrupted. "Oh Grace, I know it was me, I know I was the one who couldn't give you what you wanted, that I couldn't commit, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss you, that I didn't …that I don't …love you."

"So you do?" Her voice trailed off.

Boyd closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he held the phone close to him.

"Every day." He admitted with sadness.

Grace had no control on the tears that fell as she heard the pain in his voice "Its too late for us isn't it. We tried though didn't we." Certain that he could hear her tears.

"Yea we tried …" Boyd's heart was aching "there was no way to compromise, well not anythat would make either of us entirely happy, and you deserve to be happy Grace."

"So now we're living separate lives." Boyd could hear the heartache in her voice

"Yea." He sadly agreed before adding "Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away. Damn it Grace it's so typical, that love leads to isolation."

"You isolate yourself Boyd, build brick walls around yourself, shutting the world out." She didn't mean for her comment to sound so harsh and knew that she had wounded him as she said it.

So you build that wall, yes you build that wall and you make it stronger.

"I wish I could change how I am, I wish I could let you in completely, but …"

"You can't… I know." Grace sighed, she had heard it before.

"No, I can't, I'm sorry Grace. I swear to you though, if ever I get through this, it's only you that I want, there will never be anyone else for me. Who knows one day …?"

Someday I might, find myself looking in your eyes.

"But for now we go on living separate lives." The tears freely flowing down Grace's face as she resigned herself to never holding him or touching him again.

"Yea." Boyd whispered hating himself for not being able to be what she needed.

Grace wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "It was really good to hear your voice again Boyd. You know I meant what I said I really do miss you."

"I know … and I will always miss you Gracie." Boyd's eyes stung as the tears gathered waiting to fall.

As he hung up the telephone he knew that he had just let the best thing to ever happen in his life go, not because he didn't love her, but because he loved her too much. He couldn't screw up her life as he had his own. He destroyed everyone who was close to him and he couldn't do that to her. She would move on, and be happy. The pain he felt now he would carry for the rest of his life, but he knew his beautiful, gentle, perfect Grace would be better if for now they go on living separate lives.