Everything I'm Not!
First of all I want to dedicate this story to LoriEchelon who has been a huge inspiration to me lately. Thank you :) If it wasn't for you I probably would've gave up writing.
Basically this story is all about the crap effects of a gay guy falling in love with a straight guy. Warning for heavy self harm, swearing and minor slash
Blaine is sat across the room watching his close friend Noah Puckerman was getting quite cosy with McKinley's local tramp Alison Carter, if looks could kill that tramp would be six feet under. By looking at Blaine you'd think nothing was wrong but deep under the mask he wore in front of everyone except his friend Tina, Blaine was raging with jealousy. He hated Alison so much, he wanted rid of her. Despite Noah being his good friend Noah only knew the Blaine that Blaine wanted Noah to know. The Blaine that Noah knows is the straight, kinda shy boy, who has an interest in sport and physiologically sane. The real Blaine is the gay guy, the sick and twisted, self-harmer who is tragically in love with his straight friend. The two start to get even more "playful" with one another, Blaine can feel his anger beginning to bubble to the surface as he watched the two.
Blaine flinched slightly as he felt someone put their hand on his knee, he tears his eyes away from the sight that sickens him to the core to see his only confidant Tina offer him a look of sympathy, Blaine doesn't know when he felt something inside him snap. He shoots a hateful glare in Alison and Noah's direction, making eye contact briefly with the one causing him all the pain and distress. For that brief moment it felt like time stopped for Blaine unfortunately it didn't last long as he saw Alison bite onto Noah's neck. Blaine rises from his seat so quickly he sends his chair flying backwards startling Tina.
"Blaine.." she weakly calls out watching the distressed teen leave. He bumps hard into Mr. Schuester not even bothering to apologise, he just needs to get out of that room. He just needs to get to a place where that tramp isn't in his reach. Because Blaine knows he'd end up inside prison for murder if he remained in that room any longer.
"What's his problem?" Mr. Schuester asks his confused glee club.
Everyone except for Tina, Noah and Alison shrug back a reply. Tina turns her gaze up at the now separated Alison and Noah, she throws the two a look of hate. She really hates them for the pain they are causing her friend. She wishes Noah wasn't around. Tina wishes that Blaine could be happy. But as long as the contact between Noah and Blaine continued that wouldn't happen any time soon given the friendship between the Anderson and Puckerman families.
Noah looked over to see Blaine looking over at him and Alison. But there was something very different about the look in Blaine's eyes. It was a look Noah had never seen from Blaine before, a look of hate and jealousy. Noah didn't recognise the eyes staring darkly over at him, they had lost their shine and energy. Noah took a brief moment to look at the changes that have occurred in his friend over the last few weeks, Blaine's eyes seem to have bags under them, his once tanned skin has faded to an almost ghostly shade of white, he'd even become slimmer looking in appearance. Noah got temporarily distracted from his friend by something biting onto his neck. Shutting his eyes he hears the sound of a chair clattering, he opens his eyes just in time to see Blaine bump into Schuester as he exited the room. Noah was confused to Blaine's recent behaviour in the last few weeks, he was going to make sure to confront Blaine about it soon but unfortunately Blaine wasn't seen for the rest of the day, even missing his usual ride home with Noah. Noah felt as if he was being stared at, he looked over in the direction Blaine once was to see the Asian girl turn away.
Blaine didn't know where his body had brought him until he had leaned against a tree. When he gained his bearings he saw that he'd somehow managed to bring himself to long forgotten secret area in the forest that he and Noah once played at long ago. Knowing that in this place Blaine would have his privacy, he dropped his jeans down to his ankles. He slid down back against the tree, with the tree scratching his back until he reached the ground. Leaning down towards the pockets of his jeans his fished out the one thing that has never let him down which was a blood stained slightly rusted but sharp razor blade. Blaine gripped it forcefully in his hand feeling it slice into his palms.
"Oh that feels so fucking good" Blaine mumbles closing his eyes briefly.
He takes the razor blade from his bleeding hand and surveys the damage. He scoffs at the sight before turning his attention to his legs. He rolls up his boxer shorts not caring if he was exposing himself or not. He is met with angry red scars littering his thighs. Blaine doesn't care, he brings the blade down ready to make a new one. He slices once across his right leg, he does it again, and again and again until seven new fresh cuts tarnish his legs. Blaine shifts his attention to his left leg. Doing exactly the same as he did to his right. He cuts until seven new cuts are tarnishing his pale skin. Blaine looks at his wrist then. He feels his body take over from there. When he finally regains control of his body, on his wrist in etched into his skin was a name. Noah's name. Blaine felt the tears in his eyes forming and for the first time in a long time he didn't stop them from flowing over. He looked up to the sky as the tears flowed from his eyes and the blood flowed freely from the self-inflicted wounds.
A vibrating noise woke Blaine up. He woke up to see he was still in the forest the only difference being it had started to darken. Blaine glances down to see that his cuts had dried up but angry red scars stared right back up at him. That's the one thing Blaine admired about his skin. Its ability to heal itself quickly. Countless times he'd wished that it could heal the pain in his heart. He pulled up his jeans not worried about any leftover blood seeping through. The joy of wearing black denim, even when it's wet it still look the same. He looked at his blood stained hand, he'd obviously lost a fair amount of blood because of it because his hand was caked in dry blood, knowing that if he didn't clean it off his parents would ask questions. He began to make his way out of the forest and to make sure to stop by the river before he left to wash off the dried blood. After washing off the dried blood Blaine is met with a sight that shocks him to the core. Where the blood used to be lay a scar, a scar that scared the mentally sober Blaine. It wasn't any normal scar. It was a name. Noah's name and that scared him.
Noah picked up Blaine for school like normal as if it were any other day, today though Noah had a plan, to find out what was wrong with Blaine. When Noah pulled up Blaine got in without saying a word. The tension that filled the car could have been cut with a spoon. Noah could taste the negativity radiating off of Blaine. He catches sight of a bandage and a new wristband on Blaine's wrist. Noah could use that to break the silence.
"So, what happened to your hand?" Noah asks.
"Why do you care?" Blaine snaps back.
Noah mentally winces at Blaine's reply. Knowing that he wouldn't get anywhere with idle chat. Noah decides it's time to get to the point.
"Ok Blaine, what the fuck is up with you lately?" Noah says throwing a sideways glance at Blaine.
"What do you mean what's up with me?" Noah knew he's playing the dumb game.
"Cut the crap Blaine. There's definitely something up! For the last few weeks you have been acting like a cunt!" Noah suddenly shouts.
"…" Blaine remains silent.
"The last few weeks, you've been way off with me, you barely have spoken a word to me and let's not forget yesterday's act. You stormed off and I didn't see you for the day. You know ever since Alison-" Noah stops when he sees Blaine tense in the seat beside him.
"Oh my god" Noah mutters.
"Stop the car Noah" Blaine orders.
"You're jealous" Noah smiles.
"Puck stop the car!" Blaine orders raising his voice, but Blaine can see it's futile and Noah continues to drive, but Blaine's anger was begining to a boil.
"You know what Puck! Yeah am I jealous! I'm so fucking jealous. How you can just waltz along with your good lucks and your great body and make anyone fall for you at the snap of your fingers! It's not fucking fair! Have ever realised how many people you hurt doing that? Puck just do me a favour right now and stop this fucking car." Blaine says raising his voice. Puck does as he is told and pull up to the sidewalk near the high school. Noah not getting the through meaning behind Blaine's outburst decides to make light of the situation.
"I always knew you were jealous of me Blaine" Noah says smirking at a raging Blaine.
"Puck. Fuck. You." Blaine says walking away making Noah smile but as Noah drove into the parking lot he realised something. Blaine never called him Puck.
Blaine had been pacing around the auditorium's stage. He couldn't face anyone right now he needed to be on his own. He needed to calm down. Blaine thought of something Tina and Mike told him before. Sing the pain away and Blaine had just song that described his situation right now. Searching through his iPod until he found the song he placed the it into the speakers and pressed play. An instrumental version of The Veronica's song "Everything I'm Not" began to fill the auditorium.
"Oh no
Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you were something different
That's when it all just fell apart"
Blaine scoffs before continuing.
"Like you're so perfect
And I cant measure up
Well I'm not perfect
Just all messed up"
Blaine raises his voice for the chorus.
"I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you
She's tearing me apart!
Cause she's everything,
Everything I'm not"
Blaine takes in a deep breath before continuing onto the next verse. But unaware to Blaine, Noah had crept into the auditorium.
"It's not like I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
Cause you're so perfect
And no one measures up
Yeah all by yourself
But I'm still messed up"
Noah continued to down into the shadows until he reached the stage feeling as well as hearing the pain Blaine was singing out. He still didn't understand the choice of song.
"I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want"
A sudden realisation hits Noah.
"She's tearing me apart"
Noah realises this song isn't about Blaine being jealous of him.
"Cause she's everything"
This song is about Alison, Blaine's jealousy for Alison.
"Everything I'm not"
Noah finally figures it out, Blaine isn't jealous of him, he's jealous of her. Noah thinks back to Blaine's speech in the car earlier. Everything was beginning to make sense. Blaine was in love with Noah. Noah needed to talk to Blaine now but before he got the chance Blaine started into the next verse.
"Now wait a minute
Because of you
I never knew all the things that I had
Hey don't you get it
I'd go anywhere with you tonight
Cause you are my whole life"
Blaine still doesn't notice Noah to the side of the stage, he doesn't feel the tears beginning to stream down his cheeks. He continues on singing out the pain.
"I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you
Bitch is tearing me apart!
Cause she's everything,
Everything I'm not"
Blaine raises his wrist and stares at his bandaged up hand and wrist, an action that confuses Noah. Blaine softens his voice to sing the last part.
"But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She's tearing me apart
Cause she's everything.
Everything. I'm not"
Blaine finishes dropping his hand back to his side. He breathes in and out trying to regulate his breathing all the while lost in his thoughts. But a voice, the last voice Blaine wants to hear echo's out through the auditorium.
"Oh my god…" it says.
Blaine turns to his left and sees an oncoming Noah heading straight for him, Blaine can't run. He couldn't if he wanted to, Noah is still faster than him. Blaine braces himself for impact as Noah tackles him to the floor, Blaine wincing slightly as Noah sits slightly on Blaine's torn up legs. Noah sitting down on top of Blaine pinning his wrists to the floor. He takes a good luck at Blaine for the first time in a long time. There's no spark in Blaine's eye, he's become weak and he's not even struggling against Noah.
"Oh my god" Noah still can't form that many words he stares down at Blaine who can't even face him.
"Dude…" Noah mumbles.
"…" Blaine remains silent.
Noah shifts slightly and feels something sharp from Blaine's pocket nick the inside if Noah's leg. Swearing under his breath he looks down to see something shiny just barely poking up above the pocket line. Blaine knows exactly what Noah is looking at and now begins to struggle against Noah. But Noah is too strong and Blaine gives up.
"Why didn't you tell me…" Noah asks pinning Blaine's wrists down again except with one hand as he removes the blade from Blaine's pocket.
"Oh yeah it would've been pretty easy to tell the most homophobic guy in this high-school his best friend was gay and in love with him" Blaine says bitterly, his voice breaking saying the in love part.
Noah ignores the in love part having already figured that part out during the song. He surveys the blood stained blade and turns to Blaine.
"Have you…" Noah asks, the look in Blaine's eyes answer Noah's question.
"Show me!" Noah orders gulping, but Blaine remains silent. Feeling something wet beneath him he kneels off Blaine's legs but still keeps Blaine restrained. Noah touches the wet patches on Blaine's thighs much to Blaine's discomfort. But when he pulls his hand away, the tips of his fingers are coated in a red substance, Blaine's blood.
"Noah, don't" Blaine sobs out. But Noah ignores him, determined to see the damage first hand, a decision he'd later regret. Without warning Noah pull down Blaine's pants rather forcefully and freezes immediately when he sees the damage Blaine has done to himself. Littered along Blaine's things were many scars and a few fresh wounds.
"Blaine…" Noah feels some tears beginning to build. He sees under his hand that are pinning Blaine's wrists, one of them are bandaged up. Blaine see's Noah looking down at his wrist, suddenly realising what's there, he starts to beg Noah not to look there. But Noah ignores him and starts to gently unravel the bandage. Noah thought the state of Blaine's legs shocked him what he sees on Blaine's wrist is a different story altogether. Noah is met with the sight of his name gracing Blaine's once delicate skin. Noah is snapped out of his trance by a now crying hard and struggling Blaine writhing beneath his grasp, desperately trying to escape.
Noah just stares down at the broken boy beneath him. He knows Blaine is gay, Noah's dad (before he took off) raised him so he'd think homosexuality is a sin and he needs to hate those who are gay. Like the way he hates Kurt Hummel. But looking down at his friend in his broken state, Noah just can't bring himself to hate Blaine. The two have been through so much together when Puck's dad left, when Blaine's grandmother passed away, they've been friends since they were toddling around in diapers. Noah decides to ditch his father's flawed teaching and be friend. He resolves to be there for Blaine and help him with all the hurt and pain he's unknowingly caused. Noah pulls Blaine into his arms and Blaine feeling safe within Noah's arms just lets everything go. A song begins to play from Blaine's iPod and Noah instantly recognizes the song. He sings along in hope of calming Blaine down.
"I wanna be drunk when I wake up
On the right side of the wrong bed
And every excuse I made up
Tell you the truth I hate
What didn't kill me
It never made me stronger at all.
Love will scar your make-up lip sticks to me
So now I'll maybe leave back there
I'm sat here wishing I was sober
I know I'll never hold you like I used to"
Noah rocks Blaine gently in his arms as Blaine begins to calm down.
"But our house gets cold when you cut the heating
Without you to hold I'll be freezing
Can't rely on my heart to beat it
'Cause you take part of it every evening
Take words out of my mouth just from breathing
Replace with phrases like when you're leaving me"
Blaine just stares up at Noah as he continues to sing.
"Should I, should I?
Maybe I'll get drunk again
I'll be drunk again
I'll be drunk again
To feel a little love"
Noah takes a breath before continuing.
"I wanna hold your heart in both hands
I'll watch it fizzle at the bottom of a Coke can
And I've got no plans for the weekend
So shall we speak then
Keep it between friends
Though I know you'll never love me like you used to.
There maybe other people like us
You see the flicker of the clip when they light up
Flames just create us, burns don't heal like before
You don't hold me anymore."
Blaine had calmed down a good bit since the song started and Noah continued on.
"On cold days Coldplay's out like the band's the name
I know I can't heal things with a hand shake
You know I can't change as I began saying
You cut me wide open like landscape
Open bottles of beer but never champagne
We'll applaud you with the sound that my hands make."
Noah softens his voice for the ending.
"Should I, should I?
Maybe I'll get drunk again
I'll be drunk again
I'll be drunk again
To feel a little love.
All by myself
I'm here again
All by myself
You know I'll never change
All by myself
All by myself
I'm just drunk again
I'll be drunk again
I'll be drunk again
To feel a little love."
Noah finishes the song and does something that shocks him and Blaine, he places a gentle kiss on Blaine's lips, leaving Blaine even more confused and speechless. After five minutes of an awkward silence Noah decides to break it.
"You know every time I hear that song I keep thinking of a talking cat" Noah says.
Blaine just laughs.
Ok so when I was first writing this earlier on today I was in a terrible mood and I needed to let out some anger and well it came in the form of this story. This story originally had a much darker ending but I had calmed down by the ending so I altered it. So R&R. Songs are
The Veronicas – Everything I'm Not
Ed Sheeran – Drunk
Z xx