Disclaimer : If Gakuen alice was mine, then Natsume hyuuga will be Mine, Unfortunately It isn't...

A/N : The genre : Drama, supernatural, Fantasy, Romance and friendships.

Summary : When her illness eats her little by little, she can only hope for happiness.

Tittle : A beating heart

EMPTY

~CHAPTER ONE~

By : Odd romance -Previously called Miimàh-chan.

ENJOY~!

"Life is a torment; death is just the same. I came to understand this.

Love is stronger than both combined, more cruel.

For me, nothing has ever been as painful as love."

-Miimàh-chan~

Black, black… again and again... It's dark everywhere, wherever my eyes turn to. My head is heavy, I have a great headache, I feel my clothes sticking to my skin because of the blood in it. I turn my head in all the directions and I'm subconsciously looking for someone. I can't move my limbs, I'm tired, but I'm still looking for a long time, I try to reach the place where the beating of a heart is heard and it seems familiar. Lots of images come back to me instantly; scenes of violence, painful words I can hear in my ears, they're so real, it's like someone is whispering all of them in my ears.
Even though I'm tired, I call again that someone. That someone who my ears are awaiting the sweet melodious sound of his voice, who my hands are waiting for the warmth of his own and who my heart awaits the return of his half. Natsume, I'm here… don't leave me alone.

And there he is, I neared my hand to him, but I'm having trouble, I can only touch the tip of his sleeve. Please don't leave me... Stay with me, please... My stomach twists, my headache is more present, my heart has a bad injury, it's so deep and so painful that unfortunately no medical treatment can heal, I'm hurt, so much… It's as if the pain doesn't stop. I didn't understand what was happening in me, I didn't really see it, but the pain is there, and it is not there because of my injuries. I feel my tears flow, the loneliness that I have in my heart is even stronger than before. Everything is falling apart around me, just like my heart.

I was after the dream of being loved, I was after something one-sided but I keep walking without ever seeing the end of this road, and I see him again and I ran after him, trying to catch up. My breathing becomes more uneven and choppier until it becomes almost nonexistent. I shouted his name, I shouted my despair, but he didn't answer and just keep walking, walking away from me. I no longer hear his heart, or did I become deaf because of fear: The fear of losing him again? I finally grasp his hand, and hold it with all my being and I heaved a deep sigh that I didn't even know that I was holding. With my arms aching I wrapped them around him, giving of my heat, but strangely, I felt nothing. Neither heat nor anything… He didn't respond to my hug. Sleepily I held into his hand and intertwined my fingers with his and I slowly fall into a deep sleep, but this time it was a sleep filled with unreal and magical dreams, a dream where I could spend my time freely with you. Then come a whisper in my ears… that voice... His voice… So deep, so gentle and reassuring like a song.

"Mikan..."

I wake up surprised and out of breath. What was that dream? And why do I keep dreaming of it? Does it mean something? But… Who was that boy? I looked around me and I immediately found where I was. Hospital. I've been here so long. Since my birth.

What the World is like? Spending my life in this room has only increased my imagination, what about knowledge? I want to learn the simple things in life. I want to do everything possible, everything that this book tells that mother gave me when I was five. I want to go to what they call the school, meet people, discover the world, learn, touch, smell and just breathe freely.

Empty. My life is an empty bottle that I try to fulfill with music and painting. But there comes a time when simple entertainments are not enough, I need more. A lot more.

Someone.
Just someone to bring me a warm feeling.
A person who can make me happy.

Dreaming of a strong friendship with another person than my teddy Bear can no longer satisfy me. The illusion of a loved one can no longer ease my pain. Believing in a dream just deepen this scar that lives in my heart.

Is it so wrong to have hope? I want to fly above the clouds, meet the stars and go to infinity and beyond. Even though I hold on that little faith that I have, I can't help but fall into the depths of despair.

And I hope.

Hoping is very nice. Yet, it makes you suffer. Hope gives you the strength that leads you to the wrong way, which makes you believe that everything will be fine. That everything will be over soon and will end as in a fairy tales. But it's wrong, nerveless it's too late to believe it and 'hope' show its true face.

Hopping is a thought that leaves us lulled by happiness if only for a brief moment. Then he attacks you and makes you show what you dreaded so much. Reality, and not a fairy tale.

Even though hopping is an illusion, this little moment of happiness, I want to feel it.
Although this means that I will suffer.

And I screamed, and cried.

Life is not fair. I live in a world filled with fog making it hopelessly blind. What is life? What is friendship, love, hate... What's this? My life, I don't live it. I observe it. Life is horrible, and I see all its ugliness. My hurt ache, making me feel this pain that I always hated.

I was still on my bed and yet I felt like my heart was running away. Or rather escaping from this burden. He ran, ran and hid from the pain which keeps killing him. My heart can't take it anymore yet, I'm still alive.

"Running away from reality isn't the solution. I know very well yet, I can't bring myself to do it."

I looked down on my bed that litters the ground and looked at my hairs that were like the color of chocolates. And I looked at my heart, my stupid and sick heart.

And I felt like it was crying. Why do I feel that?
Yet, I understand very well why. A heart is there to make you suffer and to make you understand that you're not free. That you never will.

But, dreaming is my only escape. It's where I can at least, feel free. After all, dreaming eased my pain so much, even if it's only for a moment. Time seems to go by slowly, but that too is false, it goes by so fast that I only have fragments of memory since my last sixteen years.

Disease. What a scary word, so hideous. And so true.
Everything started when I couldn't stand and talk. Then some dizziness, then everything became complicated.

As the 'Doctor' said, I have a "Heart failure", it's the inability of the heart to supply sufficient blood flow to meet the needs of the body. And this was enough to make me plunge headlong into an abyss without any end. A fall that nothing can stop and I'm trying somehow to hold on to something, anything. And I keep waiting for someone to pull me out of the darkness and to hold on my hand that ended up being frozen from lack of warm.

I dream of being in the light.
But it is hard to think of such things in this hell.

At every step, every obstacle blocking my way in the road that leads to happiness, I try somehow to get through it, yet I can't. And I wait. And would continue to do until I'm no longer alone and if by chance I am not anymore, I will even if it mean that I'll be hurt in the near future, I'll get through it. I'll do everything just to achieve happiness. If it still exists.

My mother made me hundreds promises. Are they empty? I know. A happy ending... That's what my "so-called" mother wanted.

No happy ending. I hate them. Happiness doesn't stop, it can't, it shouldn't and it mustn't.

I'm waiting for this moment where I can be happy with impatience and I would do until the world turn upside down. Until my time come, and disappear from this earth. When my doctor comes to check my health; the doctor told me that I had more than four years to live, five years at most. I am strong for coming this far, but it's not enough, it's never enough. I breathed out, hoping unconsciously to let the bitter taste of the fear of dying disappear and let out for the first time;

"I'm alive, that's all that matter."

I want to spend my days with someone and enjoy life. I walk through this dark hallway for so long, when would I see the end? Even if I asked that myself, I already know the answer.

Will I see the light at the end of this road? It will certainly be only temporary and soon I would go back into the shadows.

I'm not dead, so what's with this dark atmosphere? Why believing that my fate is sealed when it's not, mother? Everything can change and switch in a split second. So why? Why, mother? Do you really want me to die that you can't wait?

"It's all right darling, we'll find a way to heal you, I promise!"

Yet another empty promise. Empty of feelings and truth.

Lie. What is that tone of voice you use? Ha. I'm stupid, I know too well. It's sarcasm. You don't think a word of what you say.

How could you love me after all, as you say so, I only brings you misfortune and problems. But then, why do you keep me? Why do you keep visiting me? Why didn't you thrown me out when you had the chance? But you don't do anything about that. You're just cold and nasty to me when there's no people around and ironic and sarcastic when my doctor is here.

Why bother paying my hospital bills when you hate me so much? You don't say it, but I feel it.

Since my birth it's the same. Always this feeling of exclusion and despite. What I am to you? A mere child, your child or… A pet that you keep locked in this room? Either way, I'm still nothing. Just a mere human who has eyes to cry and a mouth to scream. Or do you keep a secret from me? But then… What would it be?

First, sorry for the grammar errors and... Is this chapter good? Please, I need some review to know if it's good or bad.

Let me know what you think. Does this story need something? Is the plot good? Does you feel her feelings?

What do you think will happen next? Why does she has this dream about a certain 'Natsume'? And... What does her "mother" keep away from her?

Review please. Thanks for reading!

Miimàh-chan~