I looked down at my feet.
This wasn't something I could easily say.
I wasn't even sure that I should tell him in the first place.
He was unaware of the things going on in my head.
Sirius Black was involved in a deep conversation about 'furry problems' with his friends, Remus Lupin and James Potter.
I bet the only reason he remembered I was there was that his arm was drapped over my shoulder.
I used to like the shivers his touch sent down my spine.
I had changed so much for him.
Fooslishly I thought I was in love.
This isn't love, this is nothing more then a girl obeying a fool who can't live without a girlfriend that does everything he asks.
This was a one-sided love and now it isn't even that.
I had given up my old friends.
I had changed the way I dressed.
I said only the things he wanted to hear.
I had sex with him.
What more did he want?
What would it take to get him to notice me, to realize that I was a person just as much as he was?
Sure, he told me he loved me, but what are words when there's no feeling behind them?
His actions told me otherwise.
I wanted to believe everything he said, because it sounded so great.
And though I tried, I can't-couldn't.
I know the truth now and it hasn't set me free.
It should be easy. To simply say things aren't working out.
To walk away.
To apologize to everyone I hurt because of him.
I suppose I still feel a naive attachment to him.
He's the most loyal person i've ever met...
To his friends anyways.
His friends are everything to him.
They share everything with one another.
They laugh, they argue, they talk.
When we're together we snog and such...
We talk a little.
But not enough.
There's no room for anyone else in his heart.
I can't lose myself for him.
I don't even know him.
But maybe it's too late to save myself.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I felt his breath upon my ear.
His friends had gone.
"You okay?"
He sounded so sincere.
I wanted to tell him the truth, but I couldn't.
I smiled,
"yea, i'm fine..."
"Well, i'm going to bed"
He said as he pecked my lips and stood.
"Goodnight"
I whispered, as I too stood.
He looked at me as if to say something.
I walked away.
In my dorm I was surprised to see my old friend Caryn.
I had to say something,
"I don't know what to do"
I felt like I was about to cough my throat up.
she looked as if she were about to say something snappy.
But she caught my eye & stayed silent for a second.
"What's the matter hunnie?"
She asked, giving in to her compassionate nature.
I walked over to her and sat on the edge of her bed.
I spoke carefully, trying not to blame him.
"I gave up so much for him that I lost myself in the process..."
She looked at me, completely aware of who I was talking about.
"oh please, you've just changed is all, you just need getting used to"
She laughed.
"But I don't like this changed me, I don't like her at all..."
I protested.
"Well that makes two of us!"
I'm so ashamed of who i've become.