Hey everyone! This fanfic is co-written by LadyMistoffolees and I. If there are more than one chapter titles, it is where the two of us switched off writing it. This is set during the fifth Harry Potter book, and chronicles the adventures of our two characters, Zoey Black and Valencia Snape. See the story that J. never told you about in the books. This is written purely for comedy, so we hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 1

Professor McGonagall stood in front of the Great Hall and cleared her voice. "Please step forth when I call your name to be sorted, first years and fifth year."

Everyone watched as McGonagall yelled, "Abus, Richard!"

The nervous first year silently walked up to the Sorting Hat and looked around nervously as it yelled, "RAVENCLAW!"

The Ravenclaws' clapped politely as he joined their table.

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and Zoey Black still stared at the tallest girl in the line of first years. She was towering over them and looked older for a first year.

"That's a really tall first year," Zoey mumbled as she reclined in her seat, "I wonder what steroids she's been taking."

"She is tall for a first year," Ron agreed.

Finally McGonagall got to the freakishly tall first year.

"Snape, Valencia!" McGonagall called.

Everyone first looked at the girl, then at Professor Snape, who was slowly raising his empty plate in front of his face, to hide himself (pathetically).

The room became mostly silent. They all watched as the sorting hat pondered for a moment, and then yelled, "SLYTHERIN!"

The Slytherins made not a sound as she happily walked over to the Slytherin table.

"That's a sad mistake," Harry commented.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"She just sat right next to Malfoy and his goons," Hermione stated.

"Oh." Ron muttered.

The Sorting Hat sorted out the last first year and Dumbledore took his place in the front of the Great Hall.

"Please give a warm welcome to our first years and fifth year." He paused a moment and carried on with his welcome speech.

"That explains why she was taller than the rest," Hermione commented.

"Now that you mention that she's a fifth year, she's actually a bit on the short side. But she's pretty." Ron said.

"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed, slapping him.

"Orange One!" Zoey exclaimed, slapping Ron also.

"What?" Ron questioned.

Harry said nothing as he watched Snape.

"So do you think she's his daughter?" Harry asked.

"That's disgusting!" Zoey said.

"I agree with Zoey," Ron chimed in.

"Well she must be related to him in some way!" Harry explained.

And for the rest of dinner they argued on how she was related to Snape.

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Meanwhile at the Slytherin table, Valencia studied the people around her. She wasn't liking the look the blond kid next to her was giving her.

"Who says you can sit next to me?" He sneered.

"I did," she said with the same acid in her voice.

"Well I happen to be-" the blond kid started.

"I don't care," Valencia interrupted. "I've met every other jerk just like you so to me you're nothing more than some annoying little gnat."

"How dare you!" He exclaimed.

"I do dare." she sneered, turning slightly away from him.

"No one talks to me like that!" He fumed.

"Well I just did," Valencia retorted.

He opened his mouth as though to say something but the words wouldn't come out.

"Stop gawking like some disabled fish!" Valencia added.

He closed his mouth and glared. "You got a bit of a bite in you. I respect that."

Valencia ignored him and continued looking around the room.

Meanwhile at the Gryffindor table, Harry started laughing. Loudly.

"What are you laughing at?" Hermione questioned.

"It looks like that new girl just told off Malfoy." He smirked.

"BURN!" Ron exclaimed loudly.

Zoey smiled and said, "I knew he'd get what was coming to him."

"Well," Hermione said, "I think I'll head off to bed. You coming, Zoey?"

"Right behind ya," Zoey replied.

And soon students began to head off to their dorms.
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