Thoughtlessness
Companion Piece to Truths Beyond My Mask
~~~~~~~~~~~~O tanoshimi kudasai~~~~~~~~~~~~
The moon light ran along the floor from the open window that sat before me. It wrapped around my body conjoining with the silence to encase me in a comforting blanket. My thoughts took me to a place far away from here where all the doubts and all the fears were lying out for me to see. Today was the last day we would be here and through everything I've come to this room nearly every day and thought long and hard on what Ichigo had put into my head. The list went on and on and each thing was stacked in a little pile in my head one side pros and one side cons.
No matter which way I turned it felt like some part of me wanted to disagree. Was it my pride then…that forced me to want to return to the place that allowed me only short vacations or was it sheer fear of the unknown that pushed me to remain as I am? I was afraid that I would be rejected…but in the long run I may be rejected anyway if I remain a shinigami. My inner self always brought me back to the point that I would one day lose the only woman I love because I was afraid to turn my back on my own safety. Wasn't that what relationships were for…to step out of your safety and do whatever it takes to make love work?
Could I really turn my back on the Gotei 13 so easily without repercussions that could harm Karin? Was I willing to put her into that kind of situation for my own selfishness? Why was this decision so hard to make?
Did I love Karin? Yes…I love Karin more than I love myself. Do I wish to protect Karin? I want to protect her with all I'm worth…but I can't do that if I'm never with her. Can I stay away from Karin? That question was a silly one if I could stay away from her I wouldn't be asking myself all of these questions…if I were to stay away from Karin I would surely go mad.
The door slides open to reveal the mint haired arrancar that had quickly become what I would consider a friend of sorts. Her pale pink eyes level on me and she offers a kind smile. "Everyone is gathering in the throne room Hitsugaya-taicho and I figured you'd want to know so you're not late…ano…I'll be going now…" She turns to walk out the doors again and I reach forward and grab her hand quickly. She spins and her face blanks at the smile adorning my own.
"Arigato…Lilynette, I am thankful for your help…and please call me Toshiro." She nods once and I release her hand before allowing my own hand to fall to the floor. I push myself up and tug my haori up off the floor. The stark white and black do not comfort me as they use to instead they make a sense of unease settle in the pit of my stomach. I sigh and fold it over my arm before walking out of the room shutting the door quietly. Lilynette is waiting at the edge of the hallway for me and we walk out side by side. Her lips release slow breathes and she glances at me before closing her eyes and allowing a short smile to grace her features.
"Toshiro…this may be none of my business but when I first saw you there was a look in your eyes that one could only describe as tired. I don't mean physically either you just seemed tired of everything. Then when you first saw Karin-sama your face morphed into something that was amazing. You got this silly smile on your face and you seemed to brighten considerably like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds after a thunderous storm. I can only believe that the same is said to be true for Karin-sama." She pauses and I glance at her to meet her gaze which is filled with a saddened happiness. Her eyes truly are the windows to her soul and I can only guess she's been dealing with something on her own for quite a while. "I've been created to show loneliness because Starrk was lonely. Despite that I have Starrk I wouldn't want anyone to feel what I feel when I'm away from Starrk. Karin-sama deserves to have a love that is always there for her because she is so amazing…so do you Toshiro. Karin-sama would be unhappy if you left but she would accept that it was your job and that you had other responsibilities. However accepting she is thought do you really want to go back to the tired person you were before…can you honestly say that your responsibilities are more important to you than your own happiness and the happiness of the woman you love? Responsibilities have nearly destroyed other before, namely myself and Starrk, and I can't allow someone that I see as a friend to feel the same thing as me."
I meet her gaze and nod allowing her words to sink in. Her fingers clench around my shoulder before she turns and sonidos away from me leaving a simply tear to drop to the ground. I sigh and run a hand through my hair realizing how right Lilynette was. I was tired of everything in my life in the Seireitei and I couldn't count how many hours I spent thinking of Karin and how she was in the gense instead of working. We had already fought countless times about me visiting and I can see that she breaks a little more each time we part. I can't keep doing this to Karin and myself.
I enter into the throne room and lean against a wall closing my eyes against the emotions moving through me. Was I really prepared to leave her again…better yet, could I leave Karin after everything we've been through? Upon feeling eyes on my own I open them to see Karin gazing sadly at me with the heartbreak clear in her grey eyes. Her head darts away from me and she offers a sad smile to Yuzu who places a hand on her shoulder. All of this goes unnoticed by the shinigami and vaizado in the room.
I watch as the walls seem to vibrate and a stiff essence of formality falls over the room mean that Ichigo was approaching. Here is was harder than I ever thought to find the carrot-top due to his excellent control of his reiatsu as well as the blanket of reiatsu falling over all of Hueco Mundo. It was centrally located here and made it increasingly difficult to pin point him. Surprisingly his guardian is able to pinpoint him simply by closing his eyes briefly. I wonder if a guardian is closer than a mate and if Karin has one. Of course she and Yuzu have appointed guardians but sometime you only find out if they are your guardian if you are in danger such with Rukia and Grimmjow. Thinking of, where is Rukia now? Shouldn't she be here preparing to leave as well?
The doors open and Ichigo slips in. Everyone falls silent as he takes his seat with a silent pain in his eyes. I suppose he wasn't able to say goodbye then. I notice a slight twitch in Karin's shoulders and know that without a doubt tears are streaming down her bowed face. I watch as one drops to the floor but I resist the urge to go to her and wrap my arms around her as the door pen in a small burst of icy reiatsu. Kuchiki glides into the room with a regal air about her dressed in her formal wear. Her steps carry her to Ichigo's side and she places a ring adorned hand on her lovers shoulder. They're engaged then. The sotaicho speaks and Rukia explains that her place is by her lover's side because she is queen here and because they could not be apart.
Those words hit my heart and I feel my resolve crumble in my grasps. I feel my eyes fall closed and I nudge myself off of the wall before moving with all my speed at Ichigo and gripping the hilt of his sword tightly in my fingers. I tug it out and leave it pointing away from me. His lips part gently and he speaks looking down at me with a tender look entering his eyes that slightly out weights the hardened one. "Have you chosen then Hitsugaya-taicho or are you merely playing games with my blade?" I meet his gaze briefly before allowing my eyes to close and my figners to gentle rotate the blade.
I open my eyes once more in search of the grey orbs I had grown to love. Her eyes are widened with wonder and fear. Here is my moment to tell her everything she needed to know in case we truly are not meant to be. "I've known of only the Seireitei for so long…I've known of being a taicho and continuing to do my duty as a taicho. I've known of all my paperwork, my responsibilities, my day to day troubles, and so much more for as long as I can remember but not once in all this time have I known…have I known what true fulfillment is. I've found fulfillment in you, Karin…and despite what I may lose by doing this I am willing to discard all of it to be able to be recognized as your true mate." It was true…I could feel the truth of that statement settle in my chest and it allowed me a mental smile. I felt at peace having finally decided. I can hear them all rushing toward me but I've made up my mind and with that his sickeningly sharp blade plunges into my own chest by my own hand.
It doesn't hurt as much as I had thought it would. My knees give way and hit the hard floor but I don't mind…my eyelids fall closed as that peace surrounds me and my body slowly begins to tingle. I vaguely make out crying as well as someone asking for forgiveness before a cool touch is caressing my forehead and then something hitting the floor enters my senses until I'm dropped into my inner world where Hyourinmaru coils around me a look of true and honest acceptance in his eyes. A long white dragon slithers into my inner world and coils around Hyourinmaru taking on half of the load of coiling around me. Its black and gold eyes stare down at me as it bows its head in submission. Hyourinmaru follows suit and I feel myself being lifted out of my inner world. I find myself planted firmly on Ichigo lap.
My body responds and pushes me up into a sitting position out of instinct alone. Karin's gaze finds mine and something seems to simply click within me. I don't exactly know how to describe it. I felt like tethers of rope were drawn from every part of my soul and tied in irremovable knots to every part of Karin centering her in my entire world. Lilynette had told me that finding a mate felt different to everyone but that it was enjoyable none the same. I felt like I was whole again. I felt like the sun was shining down on me after a colossal hurricane. It felt as if no matter what happened, so long as I was with Karin, everything would be okay.
Masaki voices a title that my soul recognizes and I turn my eyes to hers and bow my head simply out of instinct alone. Hyourinmaru had called me the 'Dragon Master' when we first met. I suppose he had known the fate of my soul from the very beginning.
Matsumoto begins shouting at Ichigo and I feel something snap as my eyes black out and my body collides with the floor. It felt as if my mate was in danger but she wasn't so why was I worrying so much. Hyourinmaru simply noses my head waiting for the other dragon, Daihakuryuu as he was named (A/N: I believe it translates into great white dragon If I'm wrong please inform me…doomo arigato…), to return control of my body to me. After a while I feel my inner world stiffen and the icy wind freeze in place. I gasp as a feeling of submission settles over my body. My eyes clear until I'm gazing into the glaring eyes of Ichigo. He put my hollow into submission. His words cut like ice at my fukutaicho and I watch as her eyes glare fiercely at him. The two on top of me, when the hell did that get there, move and allow me to get up. I grumble lightly before turning a steely gaze to Rangiku.
"Matsumoto… I will say this once I chose this for myself because I didn't want to go through every day not knowing if my Karin would find her mate and leave me for him. Do you know that fear…no certainly you do not…do you understand that if she were to leave me I would kill myself?" Her eyes widen and then they fall to the floor and she nods. I wrap a tight arm around my mate and tug her into me and without realizing it my nose runs along her neck nuzzling the soft skin there. I gasp as my mate's emotions flare out apparently at the conversation and tears slip down her cheeks. I growl allowing it to vibrate into her and wipe the tears away lightly. She looks at me in shock as her brother silences her with a simple hand held into the air. He then replies that we would be returning to the Seireitei along with Yuzu and her mate. Their appointed guards would be joining us...so that's why my mate was so upset. He speaks again but I block it out in favor of my mate nearly growling when she darts from y side to hug her brother tightly and press a kiss to his cheek. I bow politely at the waist in gratitude for whatever it is he was allowing. I mentally roll my eyes at my own lack of attention before.
Karin returns to my side and tug me forward toward the garganta that was opened before us. I grin despite myself and hold her tightly to my feeling my instincts calming slightly and allowing me to actually pay attention to things other than my mate. I can feel the shinigami eyes one me but somehow it does nothing to ruin the lighthearted mood I'm currently in. I'm glad I made the choice I did.