A/N: This takes place right before Yellow Helicopters, so Strexcorp doesn't make an appearance...
"The sun rises, the boardwalk comes alive with excitement, even though our town is in the desert, of course the city council reminds us that the harbor never existed. Welcome, to Night Vale!"
"Today we have a guest in studio! Our top story tonight involves a good deal of science, so we brought in Night Vale's favorite scientist, perfect-haired Carla!"
"Thank you, glad to be here!" Said Carla, preparing her notes for the story.
"Alright, let's talk about the big development tonight: The lights above the Arby's have begun to blink, in what is currently believed to be morse code, they enlisted Old Woman Josie, who once worked with telegraphs in the 1930s, but she could make no sense of it, as it is in Un-modified Ancient Sumerian, and Josie took Modified Ancient Sumerian in high school, so we can't tell what it is they're saying just yet, we'll probably know what it is in a few minutes; what's your take, Carla?"
"Well, Cecilia, I'd say it's a dimensional portal brought on by a parallel universe where our society is based off of Sumeria instead of Rome, and that the lights are a form of advanced dimension hopping-"
"Whoa there, Carla, that belongs to the museum of forbidden technology, we can't talk about that..." Interrupted Cecilia.
"But that's the-"
"The Sheriff's Secret Police have announced they will shut down the station and re-educate all involved if any more regarding forbidden technology is revealed by this show." Announced a panicked Cecilia, quickly changing the subject. "How about the community calendar. Monday, the new Strexcorp outpost in town is offering initiation for their door-to-door sales program, all who wish to join should abandon their friends, family, and every aspect of their life, for Strex shall be their new god. Tuesday Old Woman Josie is teaching a class on telegraph operation, there are no current members of said class, but it's good for her to get out of the house, so we just kind of let it happen; the angels seem excited, however, so maybe she'll have an audience for once... Wednesday is a day where nothing notable will take place, nor has ever taken place. Hell, not long ago, we were forced to cancel it due to a scheduling error, really,there is nothing important on Wednesday. Thursday, oh Thursday, if only your events weren't classified and I was at liberty to discuss the absolute riot that will be Thursday, trust me, it'll be awesome. Friday, the Sheriff's Secret Police will hold a public egging of Steve Carlsberg, how joyous that will be, almost as joyous as Thursday. Saturday: Dark Owl Records will hold their first ever music festival, which will feature not only the ghost of Buddy Holly, but several other dearly departed musicians, including Elvis, Micheal Jackson, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Freddie Mercury, Ronnie James Dio, Phil Lynott, and several of Spinal Tap's drummers, tickets will be miraculously revealed to whomever is judged worthy." Cecilia listed from her script.
"Update on the blinking lights above the Arby's: An ancient language expert from Night Vale Community College has been called to the scene, yet he can only speak Ancient Sumerian, which caused a delay of sorts until The Sumeric Priest, the cousin of the late Apache Tracker, though not at all a racist embarrassment, as he is half middle eastern, and clearly understands and respects Ancient Sumerian traditions, came onto the scene and translated, the message from the lights reads as follows: 'We are ready for you, challenge us if you dare, we are older than any of your pathetic human gods, religions, or traditions. Your science cannot grasp us, we are far above you pathetic groundlings, and it is high time we take your planet for ourselves.' The Sumeric Priest then ran away in fear, while the crowd waited in indifference, as such threats are routine, The Sumeric Priest's reaction can be justified, as he is simply taking an extended vacation, to regroup with his family, after the death of his cousin. "What's your take, Carla?"
"This is dangerous! We need to close the portals! Those beings could be anything, and who even knows what the hell they have on us; they seem confident in their supremacy!"
"That's great Carla, but now it's time for a word from our sponsor! You are a soldier, the war rages all around you, You can't make sense of it; the pay isn't worth this. You'd prefer poverty any day, what the hell was I thinking? You ask yourself, anguished over the horrible fate that may befall you any second. Suddenly, a bomb explodes just feet from you, you die... For best results, use Verizon."
"This just in, mysterious spacecraft have emerged from the lights above the Arby's, and mysterious creatures, whom I literally cannot describe, as they are beyond our human comprehension, there is no word on their intention yet, but they have requested an audience with the city council to discuss a quote: 'Total takeover of Earth.' The city council has granted this request, but have yet to make an official decision on whether or not to support the efforts of the extraterrestrial invaders. And seeing as Carla's here, I think she ought to do the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner! Take it away Carla!"
"Well, I guess I should take a look at this script and... What the hell is this Cecilia? Dinosaurs did not shoot lasers from third eyes on their heads, and the world is older than 160! And, oh lord... What do you mean by "toaster?"" Carla was petrified by the sheer oddity of the paper before her.
"Well, Carla, the station management feeds it to me, I know nothing of science, I just read it..."
"But, do people here believe it?" Demanded Carla, even after a year, there were still parts of Night Vale she couldn't get used to.
"Sure they do, it's all stuff we run by the hooded figures, they approve it..." Explained Cecilia.
"But it's wrong!" Shouted Carla, indignant at the factual errors pervading the script.
"Tell the hooded figures that."
Carla Sighed. "You know, I'm starting to think this battle isn't worth fighting..."
"It isn't." Agreed Cecilia, planting a kiss on Carla's cheek.
"You can always cheer me up!" Laughed Carla, kissing Cecilia's mouth. "How about-"
"Alright, it looks like it's time for the weather!" Declared Cecilia, before dropping to the floor along with her girlfriend.
(Cue weather: On the Morning Dew, by Elvenking.)
*Pant* *Pant* "Well, the aliens have been mysteriously killed after the city council meeting, The Sheriff's Secret Police's coroner has released the autopsy, death by psychic energy poisoning, it says. The Aliens said that that particular ship was full of quote "assholes" and that the intergalactic legion, calling themselves the Andromeda Council, thanked the city council for doing them a service. Now listeners, I must go, Carla and I have business to attend to, you all have business to attend to, and if you don't, get up off your lazy ass, and find some business to attend to. Good night, Night Vale, good night. Stay tuned next for the repeated propagation of the station management's agenda.
Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books, it is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffery Cranor. This is a fan episode by The Impostor, amateur writer, The Impostor owns nothing, please don't sue him. This episode's weather was On the Morning Dew, by Elvenking find out more on their website, or their facebook page (A/N: The site automatically deletes any URLs, that's why I can't go into specifics.) Today's proverb: You can't always get what you want, and even if you try, you won't get what you need either.