Have you ever been surrounded by people, yet felt completely alone? Like people will see you every day, but not really see you? And that your staring at the sun, yet you can't find the light? Then you'd know how i felt. How I've desperately tried to be perfect, yet fallen every time I've come close.
I've had so many good friends around me all my life and yet I still don't see why they can't understand, I'm a fat, worthless, good-for-nothing, my boyfriend dumped me and everyone else is so wrapped up in their perfect that they never noticed me, all the pain I'd gone through, all the suffering. Why can't they just come out and admit it? They don't want to know me!
When the fingers slide down my throat, thats the only time i can feel remotely happy. To know that, most of that fat is out of my system. It's not enough, it never is enough.
Now, this is where Melissa comes in, she understands me, She's the only one who understands me. Tells me that, this is a positive way of life that while everyone else is going nowhere, i can be different, i can do something about my problems. I could be dead on the inside, yet i could have my ideal way of living right there on the outside, and all i have to do is hold on. Hold on to the only thing i have left, my self control...
Now you see she is the reason why i lean on ana, it's the only thing that makes sense to me they only thing that no matter how much weight i lose makes me realize that i still have a long way to go, I can never be perfect and, i can never be too skinny. That's why every day is torture for me, I look in the mirror and instead of the emaciated figure others claim to see. I see a fat, disgusting wreck.