Down
time on the Crusade
It's
a lovely night on the planet Gaea, the two moons clearly visible in the
darkening sky. Resting serenely on the horizon is the airship 'The
Crusade', in which our heroes reside. Let us take a closer look...
...A
change of scene, and we are inside the Crusade, looking upon a rather odd bunch
of people surrounding a circular table. While the members of this riffraff
crowd quite obviously have nothing in common, one thing links them together at
this very moment: playing cards. Yes, that's right, playing cards. Shall
we investigate further? Well, all right then, here we go...
Member
#1 of our strange crowd is Van Fanel, the 15 year old king of the now-dufunked
country of Fanelia (FANEL, FANELia, freakish coincidence?). Across the table
sits Folken Fanel, Van's elder brother and once mortal enemy (Just watch
the show, all right?). Let us dwell for a moment on Lord Folken, whose
beautiful (yet eminently masculine) features are now causing the author to
droll... ("Get out of the story!" cry the readers, "What kind
of writer ARE you?")...never mind. Seated next to our supremely handsome
Lord is 15 year old Hitomi Kanzaki, a skanky little wench who ought to sue her
hairdresser for malpractice. Oh yeah, and she can tell the future (OOH! Let's
give her a medal!!). To Folken's right sits Alan Shezar, A knight of
Astoria, and beside him is Van's loyal cat-girl, Merle, who is at this
moment staring at Van with a loving yet strangely psychotic look on her feline
face. Like I said, an odd assemblage, but hey, it's amazing what poker
can do!!
Anyway,
back to the game. Our heroes seem to be having a very heated discussion over
something. Shall we eavesdrop? Ah, all right then...
Folken
seems to be protesting over Hitomi's participation in this game.
"She can read MINDS, for God's sake! You think she's playing
honestly?!" Van and Allen glare viciously at him.
"And
I suppose YOU always play by the rules," remarks Allen sardonically.
Folken mutters something under his breath that sounds remarkably like
"pretty boy" and glares at his cards. Allen tosses his golden mane
and hostilely replies "at least I didn't burn my homeland to the
ground!"This, apparently, is too much for Folken, who slams his cards on
the table and turns furiously towards Allen.
"For
the last time, Fabio, that wasn't me, that was..." As if on cue, there is
a knock on the door, then an "oh, hell, what's the point?",
and the next second, the outside door of the Crusade swings off it's
hinges, revealing a menacing, albeit short young man. Folken raises his
eyebrows at the irony of the situation and finishes his sentence,
"...Dilandau."
The
pale young man's eyes flash with psychotic fury "Moero!" he
screams delightedly, "MOER...Ooo, poker! Deal me in!" Van shrugs
his shoulders and everyone shoves over to accommodate the enemy. The game
resumes. Conversation is as follows:
Van:
Hmm... decent hand...
Hitomi:
*under her breath* Bluffer...
Folken:
I told you she was cheating! Come on, Back me up here Van! Merle? Allen?
Anyone?
Dilandau:
I'll back you up!
Allen:
You're just sour because you got a crap-ass hand, Folken.
Folken:
Shut up.
Merle:
Folken IS right...
Van:
*nodding reluctantly* I guess. Sorry Hitomi...
Hitomi:
What'd you mean?
Allen:
You're out.
Dilandau:
In other words, piss off, little girl!
Allen:
Do not talk to a woman like that! As men, it is our job to protect poor
Hitomi's virgin ears!!
(Dilandau
nearly knocks over his drink after hearing the words "virgin" and
"Hitomi" in the same sentence.)
The
game resumes in silence, minus Hitomi. Five rounds are played, Dilandau losing
each and every one. "Van rigged the deck," he whines sulkily. Van
gives him the finger.
"You
know, Van," begins Allen, "As men, we really should save our
tempers for the battle field and act like gentlemen when the ladies are
around."
"Shut
up, DiCaprio," mutters Van, furiously rubbing his temples.
"Now,
now, Van," Allen replies sternly. "Do not be bitter! True, you may
not be as gorgeous or manly as I, but you do have SOME good qualities, I
suppose!" Van and Folken choke on their drinks in unison. Merle laughs
out loud.
"Manly?!
Who are you kidding? We all know your little secret!"
Allen's
eyes widen. "Shut up, Shut UP!" He yells, his voice raising to
abnormally high levels. Dilandau blushes. "Yeah guys, there's
nothing wrong with guys who used to be girls!"
Folken
cleared his throat. "Dilandau, I would stay out of this if I were you.
After all, you had no control over YOUR... transformation. Allen, on the other
hand..."
Van
laughs. "Hey, apparently transsexuality runs in the family!"
Dilandau
cocks his head. "'Runs in the family'? Shall we talk about
YOUR older brother, Van FaNEL?" Folken menacingly taps the long, claw
like fingers of his mechanical arm on the table, causing Allen to utter a
high-pitched squeal. Hitomi cries, then faints. Folken mutters something to the
effect of "Thank God". Dilandau becomes bored and sets fire to the
playing cards, bringing the poker game to an abrupt halt, then bids our group
farewell, saying goodbye, he's going to go set fire to Dryden
now(Apparently he feels the need to punish him for bringing back retro
fashions...). Allen retires to his chamber with the intention of re-reading the
latest Harlequin romance and unfortunately impales himself on an oversized hair
clip while leaning over to inspect his pristine reflection (A befitting end,
reader, do you not agree?). The light shines on Allen's hair as he falls
dead, and we see the faint outline of the words You're next, Folken! Van and Folken, sick by now of Merle's whining, decide
to shut her and the comatose Hitomi in a closet. The author starts to fall
asleep, bored with her own pathetic fanfic, and decides to go to bed. Van and
Folken join her. Everything is as it should be.
Isn't
life beautiful?
Fin.
