Witch Doctor, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, or the Witch Doctor song.

A/N: Just for the record, Flower didn't understand the 'witch' thing till I sat down to type this. For her fellow slowpokes, WITCH. LILY. GEDDIT? Wow, just had to mention that didn't ya, Lily? Naturally. It sounds like we're crazy. Your point? Touché.

"Moony! MOONY! OI, MOONY!"

Remus Lupin sighed and carefully marked his place in One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi.

"Yes, Prongs?"

"I have a problem!"

"Did Sirius replace his eyebrows with caterpillars again?"

"No- wait, what?"

There was a silence.

"…So what was your problem?"

"I am in love with Lily Evans! I want her to- to love me true! But she won't! She won't even love me NICE!" James huffed, pouting like a small child.

Something tickled at the back of Remus's mind. "Prongs," he said, "there's a spell for that."

The other boy perked up hopefully. "Really?" He seized his friend by the shoulders and shook him violently. "Tell me! TELL ME!"

Remus gently removed himself from James' grasp.

"Of course. You just wave your wand at her, and say:

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang."

"Yes! Moony, you're a lifesaver!" James cried, but then he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Hey… Isn't that a muggle song?"

Remus shifted in his seat. "Of course not, Prongs…"

All traces of suspicion vanished from James' face. "Alright then! Thanks, Moony!

And he skipped away, singing, "Ooo eee, ooo ah ah…"

Remus smiled and returned to his book. Whoever said he was just the brains behind the operation?

When James Potter skipped down into the Gryffindor common room, Alice Prewett was the first to notice. Her blue eyes followed him around the room mistrustfully. He looked quite pleased, and his face bore an expression that Alice knew well: he was about to do something that would make her best friend quite displeased. Lily's attention was currently focused on her Herbology essay, but not for long.

Said girl glanced up. "Alice, what's another use for-"

"ATTENTION COMMON ROOM!"

Everyone looked up and Peter Pettigrew fell out of his chair.

"I would like to dedicate this song to Lily Evans!" Declared James, focusing his wand on the object of his affections, who groaned and dropped her head into her hands. James ignored this and began singing.

"I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He said that ...

I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said to ...

Now, you've been keeping love from me
Just like you were a miser
And I'll admit I wasn't very smart
So I went out and found myself
A guy that's so much wiser
And he taught me the way to win your heart

My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you
Oh, Baby ...

All eyes turned to Lily in fearful trepidation. Her temper was legend, especially when directed at James Potter. Eyes flashing, she stood up and slowly shook her head. "Potter," she pronounced clearly, "you cannot sing. Whatsoever. That performance disgraced the fine work of David Seville." With that, she disappeared up the girls' staircase.

Back in the common room, James was slowly piecing it together. "Fine work of… hang on… MOONY!"

Up in the boys' dormitory, Remus quivered.