The darkness was closing in, suffocating him. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and a soft breeze shifted the grass beneath his feet. He was walking. He didn't want to, but he couldn't stop. He had to see it again. He crested a low hill and looked down into the valley below, his breath catching in his throat. It didn't matter how many times he saw it, it was never any easier. Below him lay a broken, bloodied figure, the surrounding grass stained a deep crimson. The figure's features were twisted in agony, almost unrecognizable in their current state. He dreaded a closer look, but his feet moved him forward without his consent. Rain began to fall, but instead of cooling him, it scalded his skin. Rivulets of water ran down the face of the figure lying before him, coming away pink with traces of blood. He fell to his knees beside the figure, sobbing.
"I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it…"
He clutched the figure's cold hand in both of his, surprised at the immense chill radiating from it. Then again, the rain… He was so hot… Sweat and tears blended with the rain, slicking his skin. His vision blurred as images flashed before his eyes, sweet memories of their time together. That second night… their reunion… thousands of smiles meant just for him… But the bad memories came, too. Their first night… all the times they'd parted… the punch. That had been the only time he'd ever struck the other, and he'd regretted it every day of his life since. He remembered every time he'd said nothing, remembered every time hurt had flashed in those beautiful eyes. His fault. The rain fell harder, forcing him to duck his head against the onslaught. He drew the cold figure into his arms, holding it close, protecting, shielding it form the harsh rain. The wind swirled through the surrounding trees, whistling and groaning, procuring voices for the sole purpose of torturing him. The trees twisted, changing shape to match the voices.
"Sometimes I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it…"
"Once in a while? Every four fuckin' years?"
"It was his favorite place."
"You know it could be like this, just like this always."
"There ain't never enough time, never enough…"
"You have no idea how bad it gets."
"I-I understand. See you next month, then."
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
He clutched the figure tighter, this time seeking protection. He buried his face against the figure's neck and breathed in deeply, unmindful of the blood. That familiar scent was still there, still clinging to the now pale, cold skin. He closed his eyes, trying to pretend everything was all right, the love of his life wasn't dead. The figure shifted and his eyes flew open as a cool hand came to rest against his cheek.
"You're burnin' up! You okay?"
He looked down into the brilliant eyes - well, eye. One was swollen nearly shut.
"Let me get you some water or something'."
The figure began to fade.
"No! Don't go! Please, not this time…"
The figure smiled at him, a soft, sad smile.
"Shh… I'll be right back."
Within moments, the figure had faded form his arms completely. The sense of loss he felt was palpable. 'It shouldn't be this bad,' he thought bitterly. 'It's no different than any other time.' But it was. Because this time, they wouldn't meet again. There was no upcoming fishing trip to look forward to, no illicit meetings to smile about. Nothing. Just this cold emptiness of an existence, just waiting for the day he could join his lover. Lover. That's what they weren't, wasn't it? Despite all pretenses, they loved each other. Well, he wasn't sure how the other felt about him, but he was in love. And it had taken him far too long to admit it.
He staggered to his feet, but fell back to his knees as a crushing weight lodged itself in his chest. God, it hurt so much. The trees leaned toward him, stretching their branches, eyes gleaming, offering a comforting embrace. He stood slowly. He would gladly walk into certain peril if they could meet even just one more time. He stopped just out of reach of the flailing branches, hearing a soft sound behind him. He looked back and couldn't stifle a gasp of astonishment or the small cry of fear that followed. There, standing in the middle of the clearing, was the figure he had so recently held lifeless in his arms. There was no blood or bruising marring the beautiful face now. Rather, the sensual lips were smiling softly, sparkling eyes beckoning him forward as much as the outstretched arms. But cresting the hill behind the figure was a band of men, all wielding tire irons and slowly, silently advancing. He ran forward, but made it only a few steps before the strong arms of the trees pulled him back. He tried to call out a warning, but a thin branch wrapped around his neck, depriving him of breath. The men moved closer. He struggled wildly, trying to break the hold of the trees to no avail. He didn't want to see this. He thrashed his head around and managed to break free for a split second, only long enough to scream once.
"Jaaaaack!"
He sat up abruptly, heart racing, breathing labored. His skin was covered in cold sweat, and he shoved the sheets onto the floor irritably. He drew his knees to his chest, rested his forehead against them, and cried. In the few days that had elapsed since that phone call, it seemed to him he'd done nothing but cry. Cry, drink, sleep, and cry some more. He'd forced down some soup the second morning, but it had reminded him too much of Broke back - and, hence, of Jack - and he'd been unable to keep it down. He hadn't tried since. God, it hurt so much. He'd thought several times of simply giving up and lying down. At least then he'd be with Jack. But he couldn't. At least not until after Junior's wedding. His little girl was all grown up now, gettin' married and everything, and she expected him to be there for her special day. Nineteen already… Nineteen… same age he'd been when he met Jack. The momentary smile disappeared again as he once more dissolved into tears. He rested the left side of his face in his right hand, a poor substitute for Jack's gentle caress. He sighed, trying to stop the tears. He had to go in to work today, and it was just about time to get up and grab a quick shower. He stood up, but sat down quickly as a wave of dizziness crashed over him. He waited a moment for his head to clear, thinking about the day ahead. Just another day in hell…
"Good to see yer finally awake."