Disclaimer: I not own Naruto, dum-dum

"Stupid sensei, stupid Sasuke and that stupid closted pervert," Naruto grumbled, kicking a rock along as he walked through the forest. Sure, he could accept that Sasuke needed training, and Kakashi-sensei may not be able to handle them both, but why did he have to get the shortcut jerk? Why not someone like Iruka? Or Kurenai Sensei? Or even that crazy snake lady-

Naruto stopped and shuddered, Okay, maybe not her, but still, anyone but the closet pervert...

Naruto finally looked up to notice...He had absolutely no idea where he was, but he was in front of a building...one he'd never seen before in his entire life, but...there, above the door, was a spiral symbol, something that just seemed...important...

Walking carefully, Naruto entered the dilapidated building, walking around a few holes in the floor. Just inside the door, he found himself looking at a wall of masks, really, really creepy masks.

And they all looked like they were staring at him...

Looking around, if only not to pay attention to the eerie wall of faces, Naruto found a door to the side of the display. Following a hallway, lined with torn and faded pictures (All of which had red-haired people in them, he noticed), Naruto found another, shrine-like room with a statue in the center. It was a weird statue for a couple reasons.

Now, in his life, Naruto could probably count the number of times he'd been to any sort of temple on one hand and have plenty of fingers left over, but when he had, the statues of important people (Ya' know, like gods), the statues were dressed all fancy and in dramatic or dignified poses, but this one?

She looked like a teenager with hair in a pair of pig-tails, wearing denim jeans, a T-shirt over another one with her belly showing, fingerless gloves covering hands holding a very large hammer.

Finding a plaque at the base of the statue, Naruto read-

Our lady Malice
Goddess of Explosions, Blunt Weapons and Kick-Assery
Patron of the Uzumaki Clan

Naruto's mind screeched to a halt.

Oddly, his first question was "Is Kick-Assery even a word?"

But then the rest of the plaque kicked in, He had a clan? Where were they? Did something happen to all of them? Is that why this building is run down? Is this his building now?

And his clan had a patron Goddess (A kinda hot one, too), he didn't know what to do. Where there ceremonies he had to do? Was he supposed to pray to her? Was she pissed that he hadn't been?

"Okay, um, Malice," Naruto said to the statue, but looking at his feet, unsure what to say, "Um, sorry for not praying or the tribute thing or anything. Honestly, I didn't even know there was an Uzumaki clan, the only Uzumaki I ever knew was, well, me. So...yeah, sorry for not doing the whole worshiping thing."

"It's no big."

"Oh, thanks," Naruto sighed in relief, "I always hear about angry gods and stuff and I was afraid-" at that moment, Naruto realized someone had answered him. Looking up slowly, she looked just the same, but in, ya know, color, red hair, blue jeans, green eyes, her BAH (Big Ass Hammer) had it's head on the ground, one hand resting on the handle with the other on her hip.

"Eh, it's fine," She said, "Not always that big on the whole 'Oh great Mother Malice' thing anyway."

Naruto's eye twitched before raising a shaking finger, "Y-Y-You're, You're Malice!"

"Well, yeah," she deadpanned, "And you're an Uzumaki, the last, which is weird," She pondered, scratching her head, "Something weird must have happened again." With a snap of her fingers, and an odd, not-painful-gut-twisting sensation, the pair were no longer in the temple, but on a platform that looked to be floating in the middle of space.

Looking behind Naruto, Malice yelled, "Hey, Metal Guardian."

"Oh, hello Malice," a deep voice answered from behind the blond.

Turning around slowly, Naruto came face to face with, well, a gigantic metal face, full of clockwork gears.

"And who is this, Then?"

And Naruto passed out.

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Naruto groaned as he stirred. Damn, that was a weird dream, the creepy masks, the hot goddess, the big, metal face...

What the hell was up with all of that?

And what the uncomfortable hell was he laying on? It was like he was sleeping on metal, and it felt like he was spinning.

"Hey, you okay kid?"

Naruto's eyes shot wide at the familiar voice, "M-M-Malice!"

"Yeah, that's me," The red-head nodded, "You okay? You kinda zonked out on us there." She tossed a paper bag into his lap, "Here, I got take-out." She sat down with her own bag, pulling out a burger and taking a big bite.

It took a few moments for her to realize he was staring at her, "If fumping on muh fafe?" she asked through a mouthful of beef.

"Oh, n-no," Naruto said, pulling his burger out of the bag. He hadn't seen food like this before, but was really not gonna risk pissing off a goddess, no matter how cool she seemed. It was pretty good, if a little greasy.

Finishing her food first, Malice let out a small belch, before turning to the still eating Naruto, "Okay, so here's the deal. I had Metal there," She pointed to the big metal face in the distance, making Naruto both remember the face and notice he was on a giant spinning platform, "Check stuff out. Apparently, like, thirty or forty, maybe fifty, years ago, some experiment on the home island got seriously messed up, and sent the clan members to random places."

"Wait, Home Island?" Naruto said after quickly swallowing his food.

"Yeah, the Uzumaki clan is from an island nation, Whirlpool Country. Anyway, most of the family got sent into other dimensions or universes or something, not quite sure, but that makes them hard to find." She continued with a big smile, "Good news, though, Metal will be able to find them, he's my go-to guy for this sort of thing and he's real good at it. He'll be able to find them, send us to grab them and teleport them back here eventually."

"Awesome!" Naruto cheered, he'd have a family, a freaking clan! He could learn cool clan stuff and have family cheering him on for the test and-, "Wait, how long is 'Eventually'?"

Malice shrugged, "I dunno, a couple weeks? A month? It kinda depends on some scientific junk I wasn't really listening to."

"Aw, man, I won't be able to learn any cool clan stuff for the exam tournament." Naruto was pulling his hair out in frustration.

"Whoa, whoa, blondie, is that all?" Malice asked, "Dude, I can teach you some stuff while we wait."

"Wha-really?"

"Hell yeah, I'm your patron goddess, I can teach you whatever the hell I want. Hey Metal!" She called.

"Yes, my dear," The aged, metallic voice asked.

"Set the portal up, somewhere we can do some damage and nobody will complain."

"Very well."

"Let's go, blondie," Malice said, draping an arm across Naruto's shoulders, "I'm am going to show you the most awesome, boom-a-liscious spell ever!"

Suddenly, elsewhere, dozens, if not hundreds of people, felt as if someone just steam-rolled over their graves and built a sewage treatment plant on top.

A.N. Another snippet story (Like my Hogwarts Rejection Letters story), this one based around the Uzumaki Clan. You know, the clan that pretty much all we know about them is strong life force, red hair and apparent kick-assery (I say it is a word, damn-it!). So this will be that some of our favorite gingers are Uzumaki (But not all, Most Uzumaki have red hair, but not all redheads are Uzumaki, it's a Square to Rectangle sort of deal)

This story will encompass many crosssovers with many fictional people who have red hair, and an Uzumaki Clan at God-Slayer tier in power and a bad-ass rating of 88 Chuck Norris', which, as we know, converts to 44 Alvin Yorks, which converts to 11 Teddy Roosevelts (That's 62.35 "Fighting Jack" Churchill's for those who use metric). I'll have a link to the forum thread that spawned this shortly on my profile. Check it out (Although you may need to join the forum, I'm not sure)

As for this chapter, Malice, for those who don't know, was a game that went through development hell. I think first word of it was in the late 90's by Sierra, featuring a Goddes named Malice (Voiced by Gwen Stefani of No Doubt). It wasn't released in 2004 when it was originally planned for a 2001 release as a launch title for the XBOX, and what was released was a bare skeleton of what it was meant to be (Some say that the game was 'dumbed down' to be a better game for No Doubt fans, because the band did a lot of voice work for the original plans, not sure if that's true, but it seems like an insult to No Doubt fans). Although a mediocre game upon it's release, I felt it had a lot of potential and it was a shame what happened to it, when it could have been a great platformer, but oh well. You can find trailers and stuff on YouTube if you check.

And, if you're wondering, the "Boom-a-licious" spell is called "NUKE", an actual spell from the game.