Author: kaly
Category: Gen
Rating: K
Spoilers: Nightmare
Summary: Sam thinks about what's happened - and what's to come - as they leave Michigan.
Notes: Huge thanks to geminigrl11 for the beta - any remaining goofs are mine. ;)
Disclaimer: Not mine. The pretty, snarky, angsty brothers belong to the WB & CW.
Devotion
Usually Sam loved it when they drove at night, knowing Dean was beside him and that the endless road surrounded them. When they were in the car, the dreams often times seemed further away - although that was rarely true. But with Saginaw fading in the mirrors, even the comforting presence of both Dean and the Impala couldn't help.
Unsurprisingly, the first time Sam dozed off it hadn't been visions of Jessica or Max that haunted him - it was Dean. Dean with a bullet hole in his forehead. Dean's blood on the walls. Dean's lifeless body on the floor as Sam rushed into the room a second too late.
Each time he woke, shuddering, his gaze quickly crossed to where Dean sat in the driver's seat. Dean would glance at him and Sam could see his brother biting back the concerned comments. No doubt he knew that, for once, Sam was the one who didn't want to talk about it. Sam could only wonder how long his luck would hold before Dean began to press the issue. Although he knew he'd be no different, were their situations reversed.
But for the time being, Sam clung to the heavy silence. With Max's suicide behind them and the unknown before, he struggled with how he felt. Guilty for surviving, when Max had died? Definitely. Overwhelmingly relieved he had been in time to save Dean, even if others had died? Without question. Scared of what the future might hold, if he really was like Max and a danger to those around him - those he loved? Every second.
He risked another glance over at Dean, watching as the unending road lights highlighted his brother's tired face, and Sam felt fear.
Fear wasn't something he usually focused on; it was a distraction they couldn't afford most days. However, Dean's declaration of protection had scared him to his bones at the same time it warmed him to his toes. Because Sam knew, had always known, that Dean would do anything to protect him - even at the cost of his own life. He knew it the same as he knew Dean loved him more than anything, nevermind that the actual words hadn't been spoken in years. He never doubted, because he felt the same way. He always had, even when he'd left.
And the thought of what Dean's devotion might cost them in the end stole his breath if he focused on it too long. Because Sam would be damned before he let Dean die to save him, big brother or no. He knew Dean would disagree but as far as Sam was concerned, the cost of Dean dying so that Sam might live was too high. There had been enough sacrifices on Sam's behalf and he was ready to draw a line in the sand where his brother was concerned.
He could only hope that in the end, Dean wouldn't hate him for it.
fin