Don't ask why. I just felt like writing this as a break from Uchihacest for a while. Oh well, it's pretty much a crackfic, making fun at all the ?xNaruto Yaoi out there. Please don't be offended. I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: …I wish…Naruto sat down on his bed. Which was leaning on his dresser. Which was leaning on his refrigerator. Which was tied to his washer. Which was weighing on his door.
Which was closed to fend off the horny, persistent suitors who just couldn't take the answer 'NO'.
Naruto sighed and massaged his temples as the ungodly yells of the men outside continued. It was impossible for him to put a restraining order on ALL of them. Now that was just bullshit.
He stared out his window for the fortieth time to see if they were gone yet. A frustrated growl came out his mouth when he realized that they were all still there.
Oh what he would do for all the suitors to just DISAPPEAR.
"Hello there Naruto-kun."
Naruto whipped his head around, thinking that an angel had come to make true of his wish. All his hopes were shot down instantly.
"Itachi!"
"Yes, it is I."
"What are you doing here?"
"I was reading your inner monologue and thought 'Hey! Why don't I help out the poor blonde and give him what he wants!' and then I decided that I would get them off you… For a price."
"Really? I'll do anything! Just make it so that I can go outside my door again!"
"Fine, fine. Now Naruto-kun, I'm going to need your cooperation, okay?"
"Okay!"
"First, we're gonna whisper whisper whisper. Then we whisper whisper mumble."
"I'm sorry, what? I didn't understand all the whisper-whisper stuff."
"Ugh, fine!"
Itachi bent down and whispered several things into Naruto's ear. Not naughty things, because I know how most people think.
"Do you have now?"
"Yep! Let's do it!"
And then, they faced towards the window and jumped out.
The male suitors all saw him and began to give chase consistently. Naruto ran and ran until he saw Itachi give him the signal.
'Okay, when I see the finger spiral, then I turn around with arms wide open!'
And Naruto did just that, for behind him were none other than Shino and Kiba. They both took it as a welcoming embrace and flew to his open arms.
Only, Naruto slammed his arms into both of their faces and forced them to kiss. At first, they were surprised, but then they turned it into a full-blown make-out session.
Naruto grinned from his spot in front of them.
'Two down, six to go!'
And he continued running.
…
Itachi wasn't so lucky, for he was stuck with the angsty angsters on his tail. He probably smelled like Naruto anyway, explaining the chase of a lifetime. He was looking for an opening, something to give him the perfect position for action.
He saw a low-hanging branch. As soon as Neji and Gaara were right behind him, he grabbed the branch and was sent through a slight circle before he slammed his feet into the both of their backs. They flew with a startled jolt through the air and fell on top of each other.
"G-Gaara!"
"Neji…I never realized how beautiful you were until now…"
"And I never realized how clichéd those lines were until now…"
"You gotta problem with me!"
"No, no. Of course not."
"Then kiss me!"
"Okay!"
And Neji leaned down slowly until Gaara grabbed the back of his head and crushed his lips into Neji's. Itachi smiled and wondered about Naruto's progress.
…
Naruto ran as fast as he possibly could to get away from Chouji's rolling body. He panted and turned into an alley while Chouji rolled past him. Naruto let out a sigh of relief until he felt someone breathing behind his back.
"Da hell-" The person put their hand on his mouth to prevent him from making anymore noise.
"Shush Naruto-kun… If you're quiet, I'll make this as painless as possible… Which is quite troublesome…"
Naruto's eyes widened as he realized who it was and tore his face away from his hand.
"Shikamaru!"
"Che… How troublesome… Yeah it's me."
"You too!"
"Yup."
"..Damn it all."
Naruto ran out there with Shikamaru closely behind and saw Chouji running right in front of him.
'Chance!'
Naruto jumped as high as possible (and with him being a ninja, which is quite high) while Shikamaru and Chouji slammed into each other.
"Shikamaru? Have you always been so pretty?"
"Well, you don't have sunshine hair and whiskers… But you're not so troublesome, so you can do…"
And with that, they began some hardcore making out. Naruto grinned; happy he was only down to two.
…
Itachi looked around for one person, the person that'll solve everything. He found him.
"Sasuke!" He exclaimed to get his attention. Sasuke turned around and Itachi suddenly saw how beautiful his brother really was.
"Itachi…?"
"Brother… Did I ever tell you I love you?"
"Uh no?"
"Well, I love you."
"…That's nice…"
"So, wanna make out?"
"Um, I'm in love with Naruto…"
"Well, he's taken."
"By who!"
"Sai."
"Oh."
"My offer still stands…"
"Oh, alright."
"Awesome!"
And Itachi picked up his brother and carried him bridal style to the Uchiha Compound in the sunset, despite the fact that it was one in the afternoon.
…
Naruto wondered around town for the first time without having to be afraid of anal rape. Someone tapped his shoulder and he turned around quickly in fear.
"Hey!" It was only Sai.
"Hey…"
"I see there aren't any rabid boys chasing you anymore."
"Yeah, it's wonderful."
"Well, I wanted to ask you a question."
"What?"
"Can I take you on a date?"
"…Why?"
"Well, I am interested in becoming your boyfriend."
"Is…that so?"
"Yup."
"Okay then… Where to?"
"Ichiraku's?"
"…AWESOME!"
"Well then, let's go!"
And then also walked into the sunset despite the time. Naruto never had to fear rape from anyone else ever again. Except for Sai.
END
I'm sorry, but I'll never be fully over Uchihacest. Please forgive me all you incest haters/SaiNaru haters. I'llgo get a life now…