TBFI. The. Big. Fucking. If. That is what Castiel was calling it. Of course, he didn't come up with the name. He was talking to Meg and she was the one who said it, but Cas rolled with it and now that he had time to think, he decided that yes, it was indeed, a big fucking if.
He and Dean had been talking about it, but it never really was solid. They were both full time college students with part time jobs trying to hold down an apartment together. There was no support from Castiel's wealthy family (they having decided to completely cut Castiel from their life) and Dean had no family left to support him.
The big fucking if came about because of Dean and Castiel's… mutual passion for each other. Castiel swooned for Dean the moment they met. Dean was everything Cas needed. He was kind and loyal. He was brilliant and simple. He was confident, a go getter, and Castiel could tell that he was a good man at heart. Even when Dean came home drunk from a party, he always managed to wake up early and cook them both breakfast before driving them to class.
Dean took a while. He was as straight as any man could be, but time went on and even he could tell that there was something between them and he would be a fool to not take advantage of that.
The first time, when they kissed, Dean felt so awkward about it he hit the nearest bar and went home with the first woman he could find. Castiel had to drive fifteen minutes to pick him up. After that it became easier for Dean. Castiel had no gender preference. He chose Dean for his soul, for who he was. Not what he was.
Months had passed, college was still hard, and they were still barely scraping by. They had no name for the relationship they had (Dean refused to say they were boyfriends) but they were happy with it. Castiel found himself in Dean's room more than in his own and soon his room was nothing more than a spare.
This was when the big fucking if started to creep up on Cas. He talked to Med (an unfortunate, but somewhat rewarding friendship) about it. His worries, his concerns, his hopes. She gave him one look with her dark eyes and said, "That is a big fucking if!"
And it was.
Castiel opened the door and put his keys on the key hook. He toed out of his shoes, hung his ever present trench coat, and padded softly to the kitchen, dropping his bag on the couch, causing the dog to run away.
"Dean?" he called out, pulling a soda from the fridge, "Dean, where are you?"
No answer. Cas shrugged and popped the soda open. It wouldn't be the first time that Dean was out late. But it wasn't like him to miss pizza night. He took a long pull of the soda when a flash of pink caught his eye.
It was a neon pink sticky note, pressed against the microwave.
Don't you dare make fun of me or I will end you. I'm on the balcony and I have something to show you.
Castiel smiled. Dean cried for weeks when he didn't have sticky notes and as a joke Castiel bought him twenty packs of neon pink. Dean was mad, that was a fact, and nearly killed him, complaining about how it would ruin his manly image at school, but he secretly loved them.
Dean was, indeed, on the balcony of their little apartment. The sun was setting and the sky was fiery orange and red. The balcony looked over the neighborhood, trees and lawns and rooftops. The highway was on their left and the sound of speeding cars hovered over everything else.
"Hello Dean," Castiel said, leaning backwards against the railing.
"Cas," Dean said. His elbows were propped up on the rail, holding his chin, "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"You would do anything for me, wouldn't you?"
"Dean, I have done everything I possibly can for you. What more do you want?"
Dean flushed. He stood up straight and fumbled with something in his pocket.
"Look, Cas, I know we've been through a lot and I know that we're probably going to go through a hell of a lot more, but I've been thinking and… well. I can't think of anyone I'd want to spend my life with more than you so…"
"Dean," Castiel placed his hand on the side of Dean's face.
"Castiel Novak," Dean said, his voice shaking ever so slightly as he pulled a ring from his pocket, "Will you give me the honor of marrying you?"
Castiel was speechless and his eyes pricked with tears. He brought his other hand up and pulled Dean down for a passionate kiss.
"Yes, Dean," he said between kisses, "Yes! Forever and ever yes."
Dean managed to put the ring on Castiel's finger and then wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer and closer.
From below, Meg smiled. It looked like the Big Fucking If had happened.