Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

A fic I wrote in response to my friend Hien's fic ,A Childhood Nightmare, + our friend's AU idea. Go check it out on FF. It's Antonio's story.

Warning: boyXboy relationship, mental/eating disorder

Pretty much since jr high and high school, I felt like my life had become second-best. I was always being compared. It never started with 'you are better than…'. It usually started with 'why can't you be more like…'. My family started it. My parents doted upon my little brother, and I couldn't blame them. He was a regular jack-of-all-trades with a cute face and eternal innocence. Everyone who met him loved him. Even I was enamored by him when he was born and we were inseparable for the first few years, until I noticed that all eyes were on Feliciano and none were on me. Resentment started to grow.

At school, it was no different. I would wave to the pretty ladies and they'd look past me. Some would straight up tell me that I should be more polite and cute like my brother. Any boy who I tried to befriend ignored me or bullied me. They said rude things behind my back. I'd swear back at them sometimes, but I was a huge coward. They'd just laugh at me when my voice faltered. It was hard, being nothing in one place only to come home and be second best. For the most part, I kept myself detached from everyone, hoping it would help. Their harsh words were still able to seep through.

That one day, that one sentence, changed me for the worst. "You're getting a little big there, Lovino. Why can't you be fit like your brother?" My own mother told me that, word for word, just before we were having dinner. I got angry and stormed off to lock myself in my room. Once there, I looked in my mirror and started seeing what she saw, what everyone saw. My body was never anything special. I had pudge at my stomach and love handles. I had thought to myself, "what if this is why I'm so unappealing? No one can love someone with this kind of body." So the decision was made and the dominos set into motion.

From then on, my eating habits were halted. I didn't eat anything at lunch. When my mother or brother made dinner or breakfast, I pretended to eat it or claimed that I wasn't hungry at least. If I had to eat, I ate only tomatoes or other fruits. The bathroom scale practically took up residence in my room while I kept checking back on my progress. After a few weeks, the results showed more, both good and bad.

I lost weight quickly, but I also lost a lot of energy. I often went to bed early and I still ended up sleepy. I got dizzy sometimes. I was angrier than usual—yelled at students and teachers alike. My grades started dropping and I received detentions. Everyone was convinced I was acting out. Some students joked that I was PMSing, earning a curse from me. My brother was the only one who was truly concerned. He had disliked the way I was treated by others in favor of him, but he could never help me in a way that actually HELPED. If he stood up for me, people just fawned over him more for 'being so sweet' toward his only brother. It was damn frustrating to witness sometimes. He figured out that I wasn't eating, but I made him stay quiet about it. He obeyed and just watched me enter my downward spiral, knowing there was nothing he could do that wouldn't make him look better than me.

I was leaving my guidance councilor's office after receiving another detention when I got a sudden dizzy spell and bumped into one of the 'dominoes'. Literally, I slammed into the man and he fell on his butt with our stuff flying everywhere. He must've been new, since I hadn't seen him before that day and he looked just a bit older than I was. I started growling at him to fucking watch where he walked when he squeaked and started begging for me not to hurt him. He gathered up my stuff and handed it to me, shaking.

I felt a little bad, thinking at first that I had been too harsh on the new kid. I could still remember how scary going to a new school was. I assured him that it was alright and helped him with his things before we swapped. He looked surprised. "No one has been this nice to me before."

"Well, don't get used to it."

"S-still, thank you." He still looked shaken, but he smiled a nice toothy smile. He then asked me to point him in the direction of his councilor's office and I did so. "Thanks again! I'm Antonio, by the way."

"Yeah, whatever. Lovino."

"I hope I'll see you again soon, Lovino." We parted ways. The next day, he came stumbling into the same lunch period as I. He and I were the only ones at the table each time we sat together. It made me anxious, considering that I don't eat. I hoped he was thick-headed enough not to notice, which seemed possible but he ended up noticing and asking me about it anyway. I made up excuses, like "the food here tastes like shit" and "my mom doesn't have the time to pack my lunch" and "I'm not hungry". To my knowledge, he bought it, but there was always a glint in his eyes that made me uneasy.

It took several chats at lunch, but we exchanged numbers and he invited me over to his place. He apparently lived with his aunt and uncle, a nice couple that took Antonio in a few months ago when his father disappeared. That's all I knew about the matter—that's all Antonio told me.

Those first few times at his home were awkward, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. For the first time, I had a friend and I felt like I was finally worth something. He didn't tell me there was someone better than I. He didn't give me any weird looks either. He liked me for me, and it made me happy for the first time in ages. I even met his friends, Francis and Gilbert. While I didn't like them as much, they were fun to relax with.

Still, there was always a gap between me and Tonio, and I feel like it was because of me.. He was my friend—I couldn't ruin that by letting him find out that I have been lying to him about my eating habits. I always left before dinner and I dodged his questions just to avoid the risk of distrust. It wasn't like with Feli. Antonio was already too close to the truth, too close to me, and it made me feel uneasy and scared.

After much convincing, I actually invited him over to my home. You'd think I lived in a toy shop, he was so fascinated. My family really liked him, too. They were probably happy just to see me with a friend that I hung out with more than a few times. My mom even cooed that he was very nice and polite, followed by her usual "Lovino, you should be a little more like him. Maybe then, you'll be passing your classes and not getting detentions." I just rolled my eyes, but Antonio got very weird and wrapped his arms around me almost defensively.

"With all due respect, Mrs. Vargas, Lovi shouldn't have to be like anyone. The person he is now is charming and simply perfect. I want him to be himself and only himself; no one else. As his mother, I think you should want the same thing." My mom and I were simply speechless. She tried hard to respond before she just nodded and left the room with her coffee. I just about burst into tears and hugged the crap out of my best friend. No one had ever stood up for me like that, to anyone. The words replayed in my head and made my heart swell up every time. I think it was around then that I felt genuine love for this friend of mine. I was falling for him.

I originally felt afraid of introducing him to my brother, because that was the downfall to most of my friendships. People often thought my brother was cooler to hang out with. Being the good brother he is, he often told them off for betraying me like that, but still. That was why I held off on it for the first few times that Antonio came over. Nevertheless, I eventually introduced them, but Antonio didn't ask Feli if he could see him again and he didn't kiss Feli on our porch before driving home.

Hanging out turned into dating. We saw each other more and more often, which made it harder to keep my eating habits from him. I made up more and more excuses. It made me feel guilty for lying and paranoid that he'll find out. Antonio is the one person I can't handle losing—I'd break completely if that happened— but how can I hope to keep someone that I can't completely open up to?

2 months of dating, roughly 4 months of not eating, and my symptoms got worse. I got sick really easily, but I didn't complain as much because the results were satisfactory. The gut and love handles were gone. Antonio was always worried about me, which didn't help my guilt, but he always called me beautiful and took care of me when I got really sick. I had to be doing something right if that's the case. I thought it was all worth it, in the end.

My birthday came, the first birthday that I had celebrated with my boyfriend. He surprised me with an invitation to his house. When I got there, he informed me that he kicked his aunt and uncle out for the night. Then, he showed me the surprise feast he cooked for me himself (I often cooked with him and he was pretty good at it). My heart dropped right away. All this food staring me in the face both made me hungry and made me sick. I couldn't eat it, but he made it all for me. I couldn't pass on this.

I gave it a try. I probably ate a few bites before I started getting an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was suddenly self-conscious. I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, knowing his aunt kept a scale there because I used it almost every time I came over to his house for a long time. The number was higher than when I checked it last. I began freaking out, getting rid of some heavy clothing before trying again to see that the number only changed slightly. When Antonio checked on me, he found me kneeling over the toilet in my boxers.

He must've thought it was the food and murmured soft apologies and something about expired ingredients. I barely noticed he was there, until he started really panicking when he saw me try to shove my fingers against my throat to hit my gag reflex. He tried to stop me, but I yelled that I had to do this and roughly shoved him away and made him lose some balance and fall against the sink.

His gasp of shock from the blow was what snapped me out of it. I sat frozen and watched him suddenly curl up into a ball and whimper things like "no, please don't hurt me!" and "I'll behave, just leave me alone." I tore myself from the toilet and pulled his shaking figure close. He began to cry against me hysterically. It just about tore my heart into pieces and I felt my own tears fill the brims of my eyes, because I had hurt him. I made him this way.

He seemed to calm down and bring himself out of his fit while I just held him and tried to be soothing. When he was well enough to speak, he asked me why I was making myself throw up. I was too afraid to answer, but I did anyway. I couldn't make up any lies to get myself out of this, nor did I want to after seeing the man that I love break down like that and see me break down before him. I started telling him everything about my eating habits starting from a few months ago.

"You've been starving yourself and lying about it since before we met?"

"I'm sorry… so sorry… I know, if you found out, that you'd hate me; that you'd leave me." I admitted. He held me close and vowed that wouldn't be true. He loved me too much to leave me, and I was incredibly grateful for that. When he carried me to his bed to stay the night, I heard him gently whisper "just don't hurt me, okay?" I apologized for the push and hesitantly asked him about his reaction and request.

He then revealed his own secret—his father used to abuse him every single day when he was around. Antonio showed me a few of the permanent scars that he had and told me his friends were the ones that helped him, but I was the one who kept him from sinking deep into the nightmares he still had and the fears that his father will come back and possibly kill him. I kissed each scar and vowed to keep him safe. He kissed me and promised to do the same for me. That night, my birthday was still salvaged by some kisses and falling asleep cuddled up. His guardians even allowed us to sleep in by calling us both in sick at school.

From that day, it was Tonio's unconditional goal to get me to eat more. He would share his lunch with me and insist that I start taking care of myself more. I tried my hardest at first, but the task was easier said than done. When he offered me a part of his tomato and ham sandwich, I took a small bite or two before refusing the food because I had started to feel myself gain weight and felt like I was being stared at. After a few tries, I didn't even take bites anymore—just flat-out refused. After about 5-6 days of this, he started getting tired of the bullshit I put him through and vice versa. "Lovino, you need to eat something! You're being ridiculous."

"Ridiculous?! You think my problem is a joke, then? That I'm just bullshitting around? Now I see how I really make you feel! Y-you're disgusted by me, aren't you?" I began to cry and stormed out of the lunch room with one last "fuck you!" before he could even respond. He called after me, but I didn't listen. I left the school and went home on foot. By the time I had gotten there, school was over, so no one except my brother(who didn't see me for the second half of school) was suspicious.

I went straight into my bathroom and looked in the mirror, just as I always have. I turned around and around to see all angles. I saw things that weren't there. My body looked odd, uneven and chubby in some places and thin in others. The sight pissed me off. I just wanted my body to be perfect, so I could be as cute as my brother; so I could impress the man I love. Why wouldn't my body cooperate?! Now he was probably going to abandon me, just like everyone else had before.

Having been on his toes since Antonio informed him of me running off, Feliciano came dashing into the bathroom as soon as he heard a loud crash. He burst in and found the mirror broken, my hand dripping with blood and full of glass. I had an unfocused look in my eyes as I started feeling incredibly dizzy. Feli caught me when I fainted and called my parents to help.

When I woke up again, I was in a hospital bed. Antonio was sitting beside me, the only other person, and holding my bandaged hand. He told me my knuckles had to be stitched up and the doctors had to feed me some nutrients because I was extremely malnourished. After a long while of just sitting together, he gently asked what the hell I was thinking when I acted that way. I voiced what I remembered of my thoughts and he looked very upset about it.

"I just wanted to be beautiful." I admitted quietly. "Nothing turned out the way I wanted it to."

"Lovino, being thin isn't what makes you beautiful. Like I told your mom so long ago, I want you to just be Lovino, body and mind. Because you have such a big heart, you're smart, you're funny, and you're really cute, that's why you're beautiful. Being this thin isn't good at all, Lovi. In fact, it scares me that you're letting yourself get this sick. I had to watch the doctors feed you through a tube. I'm not watching them do that again.

"I love you, quierido. You keep the nightmares away. You keep me happy and safe and all I want is to do the same for you. Please let me help you. I need you. I don't want to lose you, not like this."

"Okay… okay. Don't cry, Tonio, I love you too. I promise, I'll try for you." We hugged and gently kissed in agreement, crying a bit. I was able to leave the day after and my parents picked up my prescription for pain killers and medications specifically for anorexia. I took them and, with Antonio and my brother's amazing cooking help, I began to eat again without worry. I still felt paranoid over my looks—there was no changing that. Antonio couldn't make my depressing thoughts disappear completely, but he knew how to keep me from believing them.

Likewise, he would often wake up convinced that he was back in that awful house with his father. He would believe that that demon of a man was standing right there, ready to take a swing. Every time, I made sure to be there so I could remind him of what is real. I was real, and we were together. I was his anchor and he mine. We kept each other tethered to the world, because if all else fails and we feel like worthless pieces of shit in comparison to others, we remember that there is one person in the world that needs and loves us, and that is the only person that matters.