Title: Did you ever want me?
Author: Athar Riordan
Summary: Returning to the When I'm Yours verse for the first time in nine years. A poor choice of words leads Bond to the realisation that he may have just lost the one person he cares for the most. Rough One-Shot. Kaley is twelve. Could be AU to the original verse.
Authors Note:
Back in 2006, under the Pename Dagana (then xaphania06) I began writing an AU story where Bond and Vesper had a child (a little girl, Kaley) and - following Vesper's death - Bond was left as a single parent, with a baby and vengeance in mind. I was unable to complete the story (which went up to thirteen chapters before stopping) and so it's been left to the wayside ever since (despite having hints of inspiration after QoS and SF.
So now this is me, now Athar Riordan, going back to visit my AU Bond sandbox and hopefully I can perhaps return to my original story. Please let me know what you think :)
'Did you ever want me?'
James Bond twisted beneath the light covers, as he tried to find a more comfortable position in the hospital bed he currently found himself in. His tired body wished for the double '0' agent to find some rest in the hopes of a faster recovery and release. However, his mind was currently in overdrive following a conversation with an upset twelve year old, who had left hours ago; but whose pale face still haunted him.
Glazed Blue eyes focused in on the owner of the softly spoken words, who sat in an overly large chair at his bedside. The question had been sudden, but not unexpected following the events which led to a twelve year old girl sitting at her fathers bedside. Bond was surprised the question hadn't been asked sooner - but then again, he had been barely lucid and had needed his daughters help to get them both to safety; knowledge that brought with it a sliver of fear with how close he had come to losing the only thing he had left of Vesper. He swallowed and turned his gaze toward the dark ceiling, before a hoarse voice answered in an equally quiet tone.
'Yes.' Came the simple admission, his eyes never wavering from the point on the ceiling they'd found to gauge the youngsters reaction to the single worded answer.
Thinking back on it now, the reply was as detached as his interaction with the youngster had always been (something he would only admit to himself he was to blame for) and had left much to be desired in reassuring his only child that she was indeed loved - even when love was not an option for him in his line of work as a government assassin. Because he did love Kaley - he had loved her the first time she had been placed in his arms in the private venetian hospital, as he had sat beside an exhausted but exuberant Vesper; she was his secret, his weakness... his keeper of whatever heart he had left. She was the only one left who was capable of tearing down the armour he had worked for years to rebuild following Vesper's death, and that terrified the normally unflappable agent.
Terrified him enough that he had spent most of his daughters early years as far away from her as possible, due to the likeness she shared with her deceased parent. Only for distancing to turn into behavioural detachment when he was forced to face some of his demons and take leave in order to be re-introduced with his then four-nearly five- year old daughter, who had only seen glimpses of her father growing up under the care of a junior agent assigned to keep her safe. To shut down completely when he was forced to face not only a social worker (to check that everything was alright and that Kaley was being well cared for) but also an agency employed psychiatrist (who diagnosed him with a form of paternal depression coming down to the loss of vesper soon after kaley's birth and his constant assurances that his grief was being dealt with when he had only buried it).
It had taken him almost a year to be cleared for active service again (much to the chagrin of his employers - barring M- who needed the double '0' agent back in the field and not grounded) - and in that time he had allowed himself to get to know the little girl the baby he had essentially abandoned had become.
Kaley swallowed at the admission, as she brought her blue eyes (similar to her fathers) back to her lap where her fingers fidgeted; her insecurity still evident as the mans words about her father never wanting her and only keeping her due to obligation echoed in her tired mind.
'So what- what changed?' She asked, trying to sound nonchalant , but failing as emotion leaked into the question.
'You're mother left us behind.' She left me behind.
Why he had spoken the way he had, Bond had no idea. Perhaps it had been the medication - or perhaps his mind was too exhausted that any thought he could have had about choosing the right words in regards to what happened, went out of the window as he went on to talk about the woman who gave him a daughter in a brutally honest fashion the girl hadn't been ready for. For a man who had rarely talked to his daughter about her mother; his reaction to her questioning had been cruel - especially when Kaley had known nothing of her parents true careers until she had been pulled into the top layers of her fathers work.
He hadn't been ignorant of the question as to what changed - but the context he had taken it in had clearly differed from his daughters; who had taken his response to mean that he had stopped wanting her when her mother had died, which had not been his intent.
'So... I was a mistake?'
Blue eyes left the ceiling and returned to the young girl sitting beside him. Despite his weariness, his gaze was still sharp even with the cocktail of drugs he had been put on. He absently wondered if anyone had checked her out while the doctors had treated him, but the thought slipped away as he took in the withdrawn countenance of the pre-teen sitting loyally at his bedside. How he had attained such loyalty from the youngster confused him, as to Kaley, he had been nothing more than an absentee father who drifted in and out of her life like a ghost - despite sharing the same home for twelve years.
How she could love a father she barely knew was unsettling, even as the small part of him Kaley owned whole-heartedly was relieved that he still held his daughters love, despite what she had been put through because of him. It was that part of him that wanted to take her in his arms now, in the hopes of soothing such insecurities away with actions rather than words - while allowing the bond they shared to ease some of his own raw emotions brought back to the surface, with a few choice words said in front of the rooms only innocent party. But he couldn't - years of training and lessons learned during youth causing the logical part of his mind to remain in control; thus leaving the youngster drowning in emotions her father hadn't shown during or after the confrontation she had witnessed. Instead, he gave her the only thing left he could - the truth.
'Yes...'
Bond's eyes scrunched up, as he brought fisted hands up to cover the closed eyes; a wave of pain that was different to any of his sustained injuries (past and present) crashing through his chest as the image of his heartbroken daughters face appeared in his mind at his answer. Yes, she had been a mistake - but she had been the best mistake he had ever made, despite what he said to others following his return to London from Venice. She'd given him something to fight for that wasn't just about queen and country. Kaley was both his redemption and salvation - and he had managed to lose everything in the utterance of a single word.
~ Fini.~
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