Disclaimer: I do not own 24 or any of its characters. This is a parody; I am intentionally bashing any actors, producers or the tv show itself.
Author's note: This story is AU... as it is only a brief one-shot, I did not find it necessary to make it occur in a real timeline. All you need know is that I will be bashing the way characters have better memories than elephants.
~Let's Play Telephone~
Jack Bauer squatted down behind a trash can and peered out at the man guarding the door. Inside of the building was a known terrorist that CTU, aka Caustic Torture Unit, had been tracking for an hour. Once again "national pragmatism" was in danger and Jack had been called to "save the day".
He pulled his gun out of his pocket, since he used it so often it was not necessary for him to wear a holster, and aimed it at the guard's head. Then remembering that it was not in the script for the guard to die, Jack lowered the gun to point at the man's shoulder. He fired twice and then dove to cover the now screaming man's mouth.
"Where is Abu Monke?" Jack shouted, oblivious to the fact that the reason he was covering the guards mouth was to cut down on the noise. The man blubbered and Jack slapped his forehead with his other head as he suddenly realized that he was still covering the man's mouth.
"He...he...he." the guard sobbed. Jack pulled a water bottle out of his bag and held it up over the man's head.
"Talk or I'll make you." Jack roared, as only he can. The man whimpered but continued to repeat "he" like a broken record.
"Never well, you've been warned." Jack opened the water bottle and began to drip the water in large drips over the man's face.
"NO!" the man wailed. "I'll tell you...I'll tell you..." again he began to blubber and Jack was finally forced to throw the water bottle aside.
Just then Curtis Manning and his team came up the alley.
"Sorry we were late, Jack. traffic was terrible." Jack nodded at Curtis and held his hand out for the weapon he knew his friend had brought.
"Okay, terrorist." he said kneeling next to the injured guard. "See this." he held up something, but the camera moved quickly back to the nameless guard and the object was hid from view. "I will use it if you don't start talking."
The guard (we are going to call him T), T, began to sweat and then finally opened his mouth.
"I...I...I" he began, causing Jack to use the secret weapon.
A feather duster came into view and T began to writhe as he was tickled.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed.
Jack tickled him for several minutes before checking his watch and realizing they were running out of time.
"Curtis, have your men bring the trucks around. We'll need to take him to CTU for further interrogation." Jack had no sooner uttered the last syllable when T screamed.
"I'll tell you! Just don't take me there. Everyone dies there!" He said, panicking. "Abu Monke is at 911 Terrorist Lane, in Muslimville." Jack did a war-whoop of victory and began to dance around as Curtis called CTU.
Bill Buchanan answered the phone, headed for the briefing room.
"What'd you get, Curtis?" he asked, seating himself at the table. The president was on the speaker phone and he was anxious to tell him good news.
"Abu Monke is at 911 Terror Lane in Muslimville." Curtis reported. Then he hung up to smack Jack over the head, for knocking him out that one time, and to let the terrorist go.
Bill smile and beeped the phone volume back on, (he had muted it).
"Mr. President, Monke is at Lane of Terror in 911 Muslimville." The President thanked him repeatedly for the update. And Bill hurried back to the "floor" in order to inform Chloe.
"Chloe, Monke is at Lane of Terrier in 911 Muslimville." he shouted as he hurried back up to his office to take a nice nap. Chloe nodded as he boss passed and continued sipping her coffee. Finally she decided she had stalled long enough and reached over to pick up the phone.
"Edgar, Bill just informed me that Monkey is on a plane with a terrier at 911 Slimville." Needless to say Edgar Styles was slightly confused, but faithful as always, he did as he was suppose to.
"Okay got it." he muttered. He waved a hand to get Audrey Raines' attention. She hurried over and asked him what was going on with Jack. Edgar shrugged and continuing typing on the keyboard.
"Chloe says that Jack got the information from some terrorist. Apparently there is a monkey and a terrier calling 911 on a plane over Slimville."
Audrey opened her mouth to say how strange the message sounded, but her phone rang before she could answer. Seeing it was her father, the Secretary of Defense, she walked away from Edgar and answered the phone.
"How are you?" Her dad said. Audrey shrugged.
"I'm still having a hard time. But guess what!" She said obviously excited. "Two slim terriers are having fun fun fun on a plane over Callings."
James Heller set the phone down as his daughter's message reverberated through his mind. It made absolutely no sense. Why was CTU digging up information on dogs? After clearing his throat, Mr. Heller hurried to his car. Whilst driving, James Heller pulled out his handy dandy cell phone and called up Jack. (all phones were programed with Jack's cell phone number)
Jack answered the phone with his customary "WHAT!" said aggressively for effect. Heller bit his lip.
"Jack, what in the world is going on? Two dogs in a plane over Callings???"
At this point, Jack sighed deeply and turned to Curtis. Curtis having stayed up the whole night before reading the script, shrugged.
"Want to go something to eat?" He asked. Jack shrugged.
"Fine."
And so the beeping clock begins in the background as Jack treats the whole CTU tactical team to burgers at the local McDonalds. And yes, T was invited as well.
The End
Note- I do not own this... are reviews would be appreciated. Let me know if I have made any mistakes... criticism is welcomed...flames will be used to burn trash.