A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in a while! I wrote this to relieve my writer's block... I hope you enjoy it! Reviews are appreciated!
Finn had never been a huge fan of the paranormal. It freaked him out a little, to tell the truth. Puck would call him a girl if he found out, but Finn was just the teeniest bit afraid of ghosts. What if they hurt him somehow, or worse- stole his food?
So yeah, Finn was not particularly enjoying hearing a disembodied voice narrate his life… it was most definitely not awesome.
"So Finn Hudson wants to go out with Quinn yet AGAIN? Surprise, surprise. Rachel's obsessed with you, by the way. Honestly, if I was narrating HER life, all I'd say was 'Finn' over and over again, that's how bad it is. XOXO, Gossip- I mean, gotta go!" the voice said.
Finn was officially going crazy. There was that one time when he'd somehow had drugs in his locker, only he hadn't actually remembered putting them there… oh god, it was the same ghost narrating his life, wasn't it?
"GHOST, I WILL FIND YOU!" Finn promised, pointing an accusing finger at the ceiling.
"Good luck with that," the voice said back. Finn could almost feel it rolling its eyes, except, you know, it couldn't, because it was a voice. And that's when Finn abruptly realized he was standing in a crowded hallway, and everyone was staring at him.
"Get it together, man, what the hell are you yelling at?" Puck asked, "I mean, I would just chalk it up to the fact that you're doing two things at once, but I'm sure your brain wouldn't short circuit from yelling and standing at the same time. Or maybe it would, I mean, you're Finn."
"No one… certainly not some disemzombied voice… oops, gotta go!" Finn called, running off. He wondered where he could go, because no one actually went to classes at McKinley.
"Oh, so our favorite jock is going to his brother for help? You'll never find out who I am, because that's one secret I'll never tell…" the voice narrated. Finn raised a fist to the tan ceiling of the house. Maybe he should stop drinking warm milk before bed…
He walked up to Kurt, who was busy texting Blaine. Kurt was busy complaining that Mr. Schue's sweater vest addiction was getting out of hand.
"Hey, Kurt, so I hear this weird voice no one else can hear, and it's narrating my life. Um… help?" Kurt just gave him a Look.
"Can't your epiphany of another strange, new religion come later? Although… if you don't want anyone else to know, I won't tell them if you buy me a hat I desperately need just in case I go to Mercedes' church again," Kurt decided. Finn sighed.
"Fine, dude. Why did I even tell you?"
Finn went off to buy the stupid hat. He had a picture of it, but the hats all looked the same to him. Maybe Kurt was right, shopping really wasn't as easy as he'd thought. He was a "grab the first shirt you see in your size" type of guy.
Finn narrowed it down to two hats. They looked exactly the same to him, so he grabbed one and hoped for the best. The clerk was staring him down the whole time.
"Are you getting this for a kid named Kurt Hummel?" he asked.
"Yeah," Finn answered. The clerk sighed.
"Just… make sure you have to right hat, because last time I accidently got him the wrong pants to try on, and… oh god, I can't talk about this… shotgun," the clerk looked terrified, and like he was about to faint. Finn blanched at the look on his face but decided to take his chances.
He hoped it was the right one for his life. He would've said for his sanity, but that was pretty much gone.
"Well, they do say the hat makes the man… er, I think that's what the saying…" the voice came out of nowhere. Eh, it wasn't even a surprise anymore.
When Finn told Mr. Schue, he wasn't prepared for Mr. Schue to suggest two options: singing about it, or going to Ms. Pillsbury.
Since he couldn't find any songs when he searched up "disemzombied voices", he went to Ms. Pillsbury.
At least he didn't have to go to therapy for the hat thing. It turned out to be the right one. Although before he had left, Kurt had threatened to get his dad to take out the shotgun on Finn if he got the wrong hat.
"So what brings you here, Finn?" Emma asked kindly, "And if Burt takes out his shotgun because you got the wrong hat, make sure it's properly cleaned before he shoots it!" How did she know… Finn decided to let it go.
"Actually, it's because I keep hearing this voice no one else can hear narrating my life."
"Well… uh, here, I think this pamphlet explains everything perfectly," Emma handed him a pamphlet. On the cover it read: So you Hear Disembodied Voices… are you Really Batshit Crazy? The inside simply read: Yes.
Finn sighed. It was confirmed by a professional… he was neither part of the Grilled Cheesus religion, nor the Godsicle religion, and he was crazy.
"Well, I could've told you that a long time ago," the voice interrupted his thoughts.
"SHUT UP, YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF THESE CRAZY RAMBLINGS! AND THE REASON I HAD TO JOIN GLEE CLUB… although that was an awesome thing!" Finn shouted. Emma gasped and jotted down some notes.
"Well, I think I've discovered something. We may need to get you some meds, don't be alarmed…" but Finn was in a rage now.
"NOOOO!" he bellowed. He pushed the chair back and hurled it at the pamphlets.
"NO, MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!" Emma hissed, running to the recover pamphlets that said things like: Depressed? Mental Illness? Have a Cold? The Cure for Everything is Joining Glee Club! and I Have Such a Bad Case of Papyrophobia I can't Even Go Near this Pamphlet.
Finn ran out of her office; he didn't want to get in trouble for knocking over her pamphlets, a huge offense.
But now who would believe him?
Brittany shrugged when Finn told her.
"Lord Tubbington hears voices no one else can hear all the time, because he still hasn't gone to ONE AA meeting!" Brittany told him, "So just check and make sure you're not addicted to drugs. Maybe you're high right now and you just don't know it!" She started sniffing him, and Finn backed away.
"I don't think that's it... although wait, I did have those drugs in my locker and I didn't remember putting it there..." Finn mused, "Thanks, Brittany!" Brittany smiled, then wandered off and walked into a wall.
Finn left the choir room and went to the nurse's office.
"I need a drug test!" he yelled. The nurse narrowed her eyes at him.
"Why...?"
"I just... need one, I've been hearing voices no one else can hear, and AAAAAAGH!" Finn cried. The nurse handed him a cup.
"Yes. Yes you do," she decided.
When the results came back, Finn was negative for drugs. Dang, so his craziness WASN'T based on drugs. Now he had no excuses whatsoever.
So Finn turned to none other than Sue Freaking Sylvester. A scary prospect, but then again, he had survived trying out for the Cheerios once.
"So, Ms. Sylvester, I hear a disembodied voice that narrates my life," Finn explained. Wow, it still sounded ridiculous.
"Frankenteen, I actually believe you, for the sole reason that I hear a voice narrating exactly what happens in this school every week, without fail, and is mysteriously mostly about the Glee Club, which naturally just makes it pathetic. I thought it might be a result of those steroids I've been taking, but turns out it's not!"
Finn smiled. At least someone believed him, even if it was the crazy cheerleading coach. Of course, he couldn't judge, because he was probably crazy too.
"So the great Ms. Sylvester believes you… well, I'm still here, I can't be scared off by her!" the voice interjected.
"Wait, I heard that too! And it's Mrs. Sylvester; I'll have you know I married myself. It sounded vaguely like William. Then again, that could just be my wishful thinking, because I want him to get fired even more easily with even more proof he stalks his young, easily led astray students," Sue said. Finn could barely understand what she was saying, but that wasn't unusual for him.
"Could you… make it go away?" Finn said hopefully. Sue sipped her energy drink.
"Well, why didn't you ask in the first place, Frankenteen? Voice, the wrath of SUE SYLVESTER will be upon you unless you leave! And trust me, you don't want that. No one puts Sue Sylvester in a corner and lives to see it! And yes, I made that phrase popular before Dirty Dancing stole it," Sue yelled, "Although, if you decide to torment Will Schuester, then who am I to stop you?"
And from that day on, the voice disappeared, and Finn thanked his newest religion, Godfish, every day. No one can face the wrath of Sue Sylvester and live to tell the tale.
Except one day, Mr. Schue was doing his Glee lesson (his knowledge of Spanish had disappeared over night), when he heard a strange voice coming from the ceiling.
"So, Mr. Schue, underlining a word for the lesson? Eh, you still get paid."