"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow..."
Albert Einstein
"I'm going for some lunch, would you like anything?" Mackenzie asked, popping her head into his office.
"A scotch on the rocks and some Vicodin would be good right about now," he mumbled under his breath. He wasn't sure whether he meant her to hear it or not, but she had, and now she was walking over to his desk with a worried look on her face. He hated that pinched, almost pained, expression she wore. He loved to watch happy, exuberant Mackenzie. He needed that right now.
"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting down in the chair facing his desk.
"Nothing you can fix Mac…leave it alone," he warned. He didn't want to bring anyone else into the tragic mess that was his life these days.
"Okay, now you know I can't possibly do that, and you know that I usually can help fix whatever is wrong, so let's pretend I just came in and said 'how's it going' and start this conversation all over again, shall we?"
He would have laughed at her confidence…if he had any humor left in him at that moment.
She could tell how upset he really was, so she came around to stand next to his chair and eased herself onto his desk. "Tell me," she said softly, and placed her hand on his arm.
"It's Mark. Lung cancer. And the fucking stubborn ass won't take money from me! My own brother! What the hell good is money if you can't help the people you love!" he shouted. But suddenly, he crumpled forward, and laid his head against her stomach and wrapped his arms around her.
Her hands were immediately in his hair and around his shoulders. She could feel him crying against her stomach. He sat up and she wiped his cheeks for him.
"Do you think he'd listen to me? I know it's been years since I've seen him, but we used to be really good friends. Plus, he introduced us…I owe him," she winked. "I'd like to try to help somehow."
It was true. Though Will would have met her only days later at ACN, Mark had met Mackenzie first, at an RNC event in Washington D.C., and they had become fast friends. All three of them had. They seemed to enjoy arguing their differing political positions. Soon enough though, Will and Mac were working together at ACN's D.C. bureau and the rest, as they say, was history. But they all enjoyed their years in Washington together, rowdy evenings at bars and long discussions over dinner. Mark met his wife Pam not long after, and the four of them spent a lot of time together. Will and Mac's move to New York and Mark and Pam's move back to Nebraska put an end to that camaraderie.
"I don't know if he'll listen to anyone Mac. He's just so damn angry right now. I don't blame him, but he's wasting time. I'm going home tomorrow. You can come if you want?" he asked, almost timidly. Her heart broke for him…he looked so lonely and lost. She simply nodded her reply.
"Mark's been back in Lincoln for what, eight years now? I still can't believe he gave up such a promising career in D.C. but he was following his heart and for that I can't blame him," she said, looking down at Will from her perch on his desk. "How's Pam doing? It can't be easy having your spouse diagnosed with cancer. Are you sure you don't mind me going with you? I'd really like to see them both…it's been too long," she said wistfully.
She was treading very carefully. Will was upset, and she could understand why, but part of her was also waiting for an accusation to come flying out of his mouth. Waiting for him to say 'and who's fault is it that you haven't seen them for years? If you hadn't cheated on me and broken my heart, they would probably be your in-laws by now?!' But he didn't say any of that. He was too good for that.
"Of course I don't mind you coming with me. It might be easier. Mark and I never had the best relationship, but you always managed to keep us from killing each other somehow. I haven't spent much time with him or Pam since you left ACN," he admitted sadly. He didn't want it to sound like he was blaming her for the less than stellar relationship he'd had with his brother these past few years, but to some extent it was true. Mac made everything easier…especially dealing with his family. And a big part of him didn't want to be with Mark and Pam without Mackenzie there beside him. They had all spent so much time together years ago, that it would only serve to remind him of what was missing….Mackenzie.
"Thank you. I'll book a ticket. If you'll send me your flight information I can try to get on the same flight." She thought about what else she wanted to say to him but wasn't quite sure if now was the time or not. She wasn't going to have any regrets, she decided. "Mark is very jealous of you. Everything came easily to you Will, while he had to fight so hard, work so hard, for what he achieved. That's where some of the resentment comes from. Don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't love you, he's one of your biggest fans, but he needs to show that to you in his own way."
"What the hell is he jealous of? I spend my nights alone playing guitar and reading news briefs. I spend my weekends trying to fill the hours until I can go back to the office. Mark has a wife and a family that adore him. I have my ratings, and my invisible friends, as Reese likes to call them," he muttered.
Should she tell him? In for a penny, in for a pound, she thought to herself. "About a week after Mark introduced us, he asked me out. This happened to be right after you and I had gone out for the first time."
You could have heard a pin drop. The room was unnaturally silent, until Will's voice shattered the quiet.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?!" he shouted, more than a little stunned that he was learning this now.
"I don't tell you every time someone asks me out! I can take care of myself! I am perfectly capable of saying no, thank you very much. I'm telling you this now because it's another something that you had and he didn't. I'm trying to help you understand your brother!" she shouted back, then thought better of it. She needed to calm down. She had to be the voice of reason here…Will was too upset to do it.
"Jesus Mac! This wasn't some guy at a bar that was hitting on you! This was my fucking brother! Didn't you think I might want to know?!" He was up and pacing the room now.
"Billy, relax," she said, sliding off of his desk and standing in his path. "Mark didn't know that you and I had gone out until I told him. He didn't talk to me for a week afterwards. I know that he wasn't some random guy, but how would putting myself in the middle of the two of you have been helpful? There was no harm done and about a month later he met Pam. It was a moot point then. Plus, you and I were about to move to New York and he was planning to go back to Lincoln." She felt she had laid out her case rather well…obviously Will didn't agree.
"So, what would have happened if we hadn't broken up Mac? You and Mark would have avoided each other at family gatherings for the rest of our lives? There would have been awkward silences and stilted conversations and I never would have had the first fucking clue why?!"
"Mark and I worked it out and once he met Pam he was immediately and totally in love with her. Seems that runs in the family too," she said, giving him a slight smile. He was still too tense to return it, but at least his frantic pacing had stopped. Now he was just standing in the middle of his office staring at her.
"There weren't any hard feelings between Mark and I…nothing strained or awkward. You seem to be having more of a problem with this than either of us ever did Billy."
"Maybe that's because I'm finding out about it a decade or so after the fact Mac! Jesus, what the hell else don't I know about you? About us?!" he shouted, wringing his hands together.
"Okay, tell me this Will. What would you have done if you knew he'd asked me out? Confront him? What good would that have done anyone?" Now she was getting mad. What was the point of all this? "Did you tell me everything that ever happened while we were together?" she asked pointedly.
"I don't know what I would have done, but I would have liked to have had the choice. And yes, I did tell you everything that happened when we were together," he said indignantly, though truth be told, he was currently running their years together through his mind and trying to decide if he was being honest with her.
"How about this, when we go to Lincoln, anything Mark tells me, I will tell you. I can't change the past, but I can tell you everything now Will. I'm sorry you think I kept you in the dark. I'm sorry you think that I took away your choice. I'd never do that to you. I respect and trust you to know what I'd want to hear, and if you think it's not relevant to us or our relationship, then I trust you."
She finished her speech and stood back, watching him take it all in.
He suddenly felt like a scolded child. It was ridiculous of him to demean her for not telling him about something that had happened years ago…something that had never really affected their relationship. Sure, some pieces were starting to fall into place for him where Mark was concerned, but he could completely understand why Mac wouldn't have wanted to create an argument between two brothers.
"I'm sorry I yelled. I had no right to take out my anger and frustration on you. I'm worried about my brother and I can't do anything for him, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry Mac," he said, hands in his pockets and head hanging down.
She moved closer to him and pulled his hands out of his pockets and took those rough, calloused fingers in hers. "I know you're worried about him. I'm worried about him too. We'll go to Nebraska and figure out how to help him, okay?" she asked, and put her arms around his neck and pulled his head to her shoulder.
"Thank you," he whispered into her hair, as he clung onto her for dear life. He had missed knowing that someone was there for him. He had never had that before Mackenzie…the knowledge that there was one person he trusted with everything.
She rubbed his back and tried to help him calm down. "Anything you need, Billy. Anything. Are you hearing me?"
"Wanna help me pack?" he asked chuckling, but he wasn't really sure if he was joking. He wasn't ready to be apart from her just yet.
She laughed and said, "I'd love to. Come on, let's get you home and packed and I'll book my ticket and get my things together and we'll go shake some sense into Mark. You know, together we can do anything."
Can we fix us, he wanted to ask? Maybe it was his fear talking, desperate for her comfort, but he didn't think that was it. He and Mac had been working their way back toward each other for a while now and maybe a good healthy dose of fear was what he needed to remind him that they didn't have forever to figure this out. He smoked and drank and ate like a college kid…it could just as easily have been him hearing that cancer diagnosis. He could be dying and then there would be no time for second chances.
"Is Lonny downstairs?" she asked. He was seemingly lost in his thoughts and she didn't want him closing himself off from her. "Promise me something. Promise me you'll talk to me and let me help, even if you need a hug, or for me to hold your hand, I'm there for you Will. I'm not just going for Mark, okay?"
"I know that Mac. I do. Here's my flight number," he said handing her a slip of paper. "Why don't you see if you can get on the same flight and we'll go from there?" He pulled out his wallet and tried to hand her a credit card.
"The paper I'll take, but you may put away that credit card Will. I'm perfectly capable of paying for my own ticket. I'm going to go see if I can get a seat and then we'll go to your apartment to get you packed."
"I don't leave until tomorrow night Mac. We still have to work," he said petulantly, looking around the office as if to remind her they were still at ACN.
"I know how you pack, William, and there's a reason I always packed for both of us. So, let me get a seat and we'll get you packed and I'll go and pack a bag for myself and we can leave from here tomorrow night," she said, in a tone that brooked no arguments.
"Fine" he huffed out, but secretly he loved her pushy side. He'd forgotten what it was like to be taken care of by Mackenzie McHale. She took no prisoners in her attempts to comfort and shelter her loved ones. He'd missed being counted among those she held most dear.
"Thank you. I'm going to go get my purse and we'll be off and by the time you're packed it will be time for us to get back here for the four o'clock meeting."
It took them more time than they had realized to make it across town to his apartment. They weren't used to being out and about in the middle of the afternoon on a work day. Will felt vaguely like he was playing hooky from school. He would have chuckled at the thought if the image of his cancer-ridden brother back home hadn't crept back into his thoughts.
There was something comforting, though, about seeing Mackenzie back in his bedroom. Rifling through his closet and drawers, tossing things into a suitcase for him while he watched from a chair in the corner of the room.
"Did you need any help?" he asked facetiously, because he knew she would say no.
"You know what you could do for me? Make me a turkey sandwich, please, while I finish this up and I'll meet you in the kitchen."
"Sure," he replied. He smiled at how easily they were falling into old habits. She knew he would never be without the makings for a good turkey sandwich and he knew exactly how she wanted one fixed. He went into the kitchen and began their lunch preparations. He reached into the fridge for her favorite mustard and then stopped when he realized it wasn't there anymore. It hadn't been for some time now.
"Shit," he cursed under his breath, just as she entered the kitchen.
"Thanks for fixing our sandwiches," she said.
"They're not right," he said with frustration. He looked down at the sandwiches as if they had done something wrong. Mackenzie examined them, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about.
"They look great to me. Thanks for lunch," she said, moving to the cupboard that held the potato chips and putting them on the counter next to the sandwiches.
"I threw out your mustard," he said, as if he had tossed out the crown jewels.
"Well, I should hope so. Why would you keep four year old mustard Will?" she joked, but he still looked crestfallen over his perceived error. She knew it was just the pressure of the situation. He was upset about Mark's illness and every little thing that went wrong now would just be an excuse to blow off some steam. She wasn't going to let him blow up every time he got upset now though. The man would have a heart attack if he didn't calm down. She opened the refrigerator again and looked at the condiments available and picked up his favorite mustard.
"This will work nicely," she told him comfortingly.
"But it's not what you like Mac. Would you prefer some mayonnaise, or maybe…" he stuck his head into the fridge hoping to find something he could offer her.
She pulled on his arm, dragging him away from the refrigerator, and closing the door. "You make a great sandwich, whether or not it has my favorite mustard or this one, it doesn't matter. You know what does matter? I'll tell you. You're letting me help you through a rough time and you're feeding me lunch to boot. That's more than enough for me Billy."
"Ok," he said, blushing furiously. Mackenzie was the only woman who did this to him. The only one who could make one simple compliment or endearment and he was bubbling over with emotion.
"Did you want something to drink?" he asked, looking into the fridge again and hoping like hell he at least had something that she wanted to drink. What the hell had he been thinking? Not keeping a damn thing she liked in this house anymore?
She knew he was flustered and she wanted to help him, so she'd request some juice, as she knew she had seen some in there when she was looking through the condiments. "Do you have any juice? Any kind, it doesn't matter."
His face lit up, thrilled he was finally able to offer her something. "I have apple juice. Will that work?" he asked, suddenly desperate to please her.
She smiled at him and said, "that's perfect, thank you. Do you want to eat on the balcony?"
He nodded and took his plate and glass out to the small table on his balcony. "Do you ever think about where we'd be now Mac?" he asked, as they sat down and looked out over the city as they began their lunch.
She was torn, but she swore that she'd never lie to him again, so she didn't. "I can't Billy. I can't think about what our lives would be like now. It hurts too much."
"I know. Most of the time I don't let myself go there. But every now and again I run into an old friend who asks about you or I get a Christmas card with pictures of someone's family and I wonder if that would be us Kenz. Would I be sending out birth announcements and Christmas cards with picturesque family photos?" he wondered aloud.
"Of course you'd be sending out birth announcements. We'd have adorable little moppets with very blue eyes and blond hair and they'd have us wrapped around their little fingers," she said, wiping away a tear from her cheek.
"I'd like to think some of them would be brown-eyed brunettes," he whispered, pushing her hair back out of her face.
She leaned into his touch. "You would be an amazing father Billy."
"I wanted it all so badly Kenz. I thought we were there," he admitted. He'd never really thought about a family before her. God knows, his own family was royally fucked up. He'd always been afraid he would repeat the mistakes of his father. But with Mackenzie, he thought, maybe he wouldn't.
"I still do Billy. I still want it."
"Really?" he asked, stunned that she still thought about sharing a life with him. Sure, she was the one prodding him to discuss his feelings and the voicemail and begging for a second chance. But she was also the one who cheated and left the county. They weren't exactly spring chickens anymore and he had to wonder what she thought their future looked like.
"Yes, really. Why does that surprise you? I love you and I know we are in a very different place now, but that doesn't mean my feelings for you have changed."
He swallowed hard and tried to find the words to express the relief he was feeling, but he couldn't. For the first time, he was actually glad they were going to be heading to Lincoln together for a few days. Maybe he would find a way to put his relief into words.
"We need to get back to work Mac," he managed to stutter out through his shock. He watched her nod and slowly gather her plate and glass and head back inside.
"Mackenzie? My feelings for you haven't changed either," he admitted carefully, and then hurried inside before he could say anything to screw this up.
She was shocked…so shocked that she couldn't move. She was standing in the balcony doorway holding her dishes staring toward where he had disappeared into the kitchen. She was still standing there when he came out of the kitchen. His return seemed to jolt her from her trance though.
"Right, work. Let's go…we've got a show to do," she said firmly, finally moving inside.
Somehow they managed to get through the show that night, but it pained Will to watch Mackenzie walk away from him and go off to her own apartment at the end of the work day. He found himself wandering around his own home that night, unable to sit still long enough to even try to sleep. And that was when his phone rang.
"Hello?" he said uncertainly into the receiver.
"I can't sleep," she said when he answered the phone. "I keep thinking about our lunch conversation and from the sound of your voice, I didn't wake you up."
"You did not," he assured her. "I am currently wandering the halls of my apartment pondering the emptiness of said dwelling and thinking that I shouldn't still be living alone at age fifty," he told her.
"I don't like living alone any more than you do." She was curled up on her couch wearing one of his old t-shirts that he probably didn't even know she had. "I miss us. Plus, I'm worried about Mark and Pam and all I want to do is curl up with you in bed, and talk, and feel your arms around me."
"Why are we torturing ourselves Mac?" he asked, but he was asking himself as much as he was asking her. He didn't know why he was putting them through the tortures of the damned anymore.
"I don't know, but I'd like it to stop, and for us to be a family again," she admitted.
"That sounds really good Mac. I'd like to have a family again," he whispered into the phone. "Did you reserve a hotel room in Lincoln?" he asked suddenly.
She was momentarily thrown by his change in topic, but quickly caught back up to his thought process. "No, I wasn't sure where you were staying and I wanted to be near you, if not at the same hotel."
"That's great!" he nearly shouted, then calmed himself. "Mary and her family moved a few weeks ago and her house is empty right now. I was planning on staying there. You can stay with me," he said firmly. He had dreaded the idea of some third rate hotel near the airport, but when he remembered his sister and her family had left their house empty after their recent move, he thought he had found the perfect solution. Now, it was sounding even better. Alone, with Mackenzie, in a large rambling farmhouse sounded pretty damn good right now. And, given the circumstances, he would take any creature comforts he could get.
"I'd like that. Thank you, Billy." An idea suddenly popped into her head. "Billy, do you know if Mary saved the cord blood from your niece or nephew? Or did Mark and Pam?" she asked excitedly.
"Why in the hell would I know that Mac? Do I look like the kind of guy that sits around and talks about childbirth with my sister or my sister-in-law?" he asked sarcastically.
She was used to his bluster and didn't let it distract her. "It's what, an hour earlier in Lincoln? Call your sister and ask her. We can talk to Pam when we get in tomorrow."
"Mac! What the hell am I supposed to do? Ring up my sister and ask her about her birth plan? First of all, she lives in San Francisco now, so it's more like three hours earlier, and second, I really don't want to talk to my sister about placentas and cord blood," he whined.
"Do you want me to call her? Give me her number and I will. There are stem cells in cord blood and if Mark is a match, those stem cells could help cure him."
"You can't send an email, but you know about stem cells and bone marrow transplants?" he muttered.
"I produced a story on it once," she explained, enthusiasm still bubbling over.
"Mac, we can't do anything tonight. Let's just wait until we get to Nebraska and see what's going on with Mark, ok?" he asked. He had forgotten how gung ho she could be when she thought she had the solution to someone's problem. It was endearing…and slightly annoying.
"Okay," she acquiesced. "Can we talk about us?" she asked.
"It's nearly one in the morning Mac. What do you want to talk about?" he said wearily. He wasn't sure if he was actually ready to go to sleep, but he also wasn't sure he was ready for an in-depth discussion of their romantic past.
"It's okay. Go to bed and I'll see you at work tomorrow. Good night, Billy."
"Mac?" he said quickly, before she could hang up. "I do want to talk about us. I just can't do it tonight, ok?" he asked, begging for her to understand.
"You promise me we'll talk? Either on the plane or at the house?" she pleaded.
"I promise you. Go to sleep. We still have to work tomorrow. Lonny will take us to the airport after the show. And Mac? Thank you. I don't know if I could do this without you."
"Anything you need, and I do mean anything, I'm there for you and your family Will."
"I know. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" he asked, hanging on to the phone as he got into bed.
"Good night, Billy. I love you."
"Good night Mac," he whispered, not sure if he could say more.
She wasn't surprised that he didn't say he loved her back. They had made a lot of progress over lunch and she was happy with where they were at, personally. Once they got to Lincoln, they need to concentrate on Mark and Pam, but she hoped that they would have some time to work on their relationship as well. She fell asleep with that hope blossoming in her chest and a smile on her face.