Leonard and Penny drove on toward Las Vegas in troubled silence. After a while, Penny's lower lip began to quiver.
"I am not going to let him see me cry," she said to herself. Then, to Leonard, angrily, "I need some fresh air. Can you stop at the next rest area?"
"Sure," Leonard sighed. He was aware of how poorly timed his revelation had been, and now he wondered if there was any way to patch up their damaged relationship. He had no idea how to start. Talk? Wait for her to talk?
"Penny," he started, "I just want…."
"That's enough," she interrupted him harshly. "I don't want to hear anything more from you right now. Just let me get some fresh air."
After about ten more minutes they came to a service area. There was a grassy spot with a dog run, behind the obligatory Burger King and convenience store. Leonard stopped the car, and before he could undo his seat belt Penny was striding quickly toward the grass.
Leonard hesitated. Go after her? Wait for her? He decided, typically, to do a little of both. He walked slowly toward where Penny was standing. He saw her leaning against a tree, then walk around it quickly several times, then lean against it again. He was shocked to see her shoulders shaking. Could she be crying? Penny?
Leonard, concerned, ran to Penny. She heard his footsteps as he approached, and swirled.
"Get away from me!" she hissed. Leonard saw the tears streaming down her face and couldn't help himself. He strode quickly to Penny and tried to take her in his arms.
But Penny began beating his chest with her fists, crying bitterly.
"How could you? How could you do this to me? How could you?" she cried, pounding him ever more desperately.
Leonard was stunned. He had never seen Penny so distraught. She was always so sure of herself. And to think he had done this to her! He felt more miserable, more disgusted with himself, than ever in his life. And he began to cry, too.
"Penny, Penny, please, I'm so sorry. I can't stand to see you like this. Please, let's talk."
But the beating continued, along with the anguished cries: "How could you? How could you? How could you?"
After another minute of gradually diminishing pounding, Penny's fierce tears resolved into heaving sobs. Finally she could look at Leonard. The terror in his eyes was palpable. And he had tears streaming down his cheeks, unabashed, with no attempt to hide them or wipe them away. Leonard looked desperate.
Penny felt her shoulders slump and her breathing come a little easier. She spotted a bench off to her right.
She walked to the bench, with Leonard following dumbly. They sat for a few minutes without talking.
Finally Leonard started, almost in a whisper. "I've never seen you like this. I can't tell you how awful I feel. I had no idea I could hurt you so badly. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. Except the obvious: I am so, so, so sorry."
Penny looked at Leonard with despair. "I believe that you're sorry. But you can't imagine how miserable I am. I can't get my mind around the fact that you kissed another woman while I was so lonely, waiting for you. I told you I loved you. I was wearing that beautiful locket you gave me," she said, reaching instinctively for where the locket would have been.
"I told you I loved you!" She repeated, wide-eyed. "I was taking care of Sheldon for you. And I told you I loved you! How could you do that to me?" She looked like she was going to start crying again.
"I don't know," Leonard stumbled, "I was drunk, I am stupid, I…."
"I want to know it all," Penny said, more firmly. "How it happened, who she was, what went on. Then I want to know why you didn't tell me for two years. Two years!" and the bitterness returned to her voice.
"Umm," Leonard began. "She was one of the researchers on the boat, named Kate. It was during one of our wild late-night parties. I was feeling sick and went out to the deck because I felt I was going to throw up. And I did. I waited a while for my stomach to calm down, and she came out to smoke a cigarette. We were just chatting, and then she started to kiss me."
"Oh, blaming the woman?" Penny said sardonically.
"Not at all," Leonard hastened. "I kissed her back. For about a minute. Then I got hold of myself, pulled away, and told her I had a girlfriend and couldn't do this anymore. That was it."
"All right. That's seems pretty simple. About a minute too much for my taste, but you did do the right thing…eventually. So now here's the real question: why didn't you tell me right away, when you got back? Why have you been keeping this from me for two years?"
Leonard looked tortured. "God, I thought about it. But I was scared that you would be really angry. I was even scared that you would break up with me. And then I convinced myself that it was no big deal."
Leonard continued, "I see how wrong I was. You're right to be upset, and disappointed. Believe me, I am disgusted with myself. But I couldn't imagine that you would take it this hard. I figured you'd be angry, but I've never seen you like this. Can you help me understand?"
Penny looked at him with seething eyes. "Understand? What don't you understand? That when you're in love with someone you don't go kissing other people? That if you do something stupid that affects the person you love, you tell them about it?"
Leonard looked stricken. "I do understand that. And I get how hurt you are. But I've never seen that look in your eyes before. It was a look of terror. It scared me. I'm not making excuses; I want to know what was going on in your mind. Seriously, Penny, I'm trying to understand."
Penny paused and took a deep breath. "All right, let me try to explain it."
"Remember," she started, "when you told me you loved me and I didn't say it back to you?"
"How could I forget?" Leonard shook his head. "That was just about the worst day of my life. And the worst week, and the worst few months. The woman I loved more than anything didn't love me…."
"You idiot. Of course I loved you. I just couldn't tell you. Boy, you really don't get it, even now, do you?"
"I guess not. I had no idea," Leonard said sadly. "Why couldn't you tell me?"
"Because if you tell somebody you love them," Penny said bitterly, "they can hurt you. That's the story of my life. Every man I ever told I loved took advantage of it to cheat on me or mistreat me. When you say you love somebody, you're giving them a tool to use against you. And your defenses are down. So then they use that tool, and you're kicked to the curb. Finally, I thought I had found someone different. And I was totally in love with you. Really am…. And all my defenses were down, completely. And then…while we're going to get married…" and she looked like she was going to cry again.
Leonard sat on the bench, stunned. What Penny had said about her past experiences was so cynical. But he realized that he had just confessed to doing exactly what the other men in her life had done – cheating on her after she told him she loved him.
"I would never kick you to the curb, don't you know that?" he said, his voice cracking. "You are the love of my life. I've loved you practically since the first day we met, and I have dreamed of our being together for years. I know I made a terrible mistake, but you have to know I love you now, and I will always love you."
"Right. Except when you're around a cute little scientist on a boat, or at work. Then maybe you forget about the love of your life, isn't it?" Penny spat at him.
"All I've wanted for years is to spend the rest of my life with you," Leonard said forlornly. "Do you really think I would put that in danger for some fling?"
"Well, you did, didn't you? Or was I dreaming about Kate? Or about Alex?"
"Nothing ever happened with Alex!" Leonard protested. "And nothing ever will. Or with anyone else. I promise!"
"Promises, promises." Penny's bitterness grew. "Listen, Leonard. I've got my looks now, but what will happen in ten years, or twenty? I'll just be a middle-aged failed actress. You, you may be a 5'6" nerd. But even I know that you're a brilliant scientist, and you're going to have a brilliant career. And brilliant scientists don't end up with failed actresses. They end up with other brilliant scientists – or with successful actresses."
"Not this scientist," said Leonard firmly. "Not ever. And you haven't failed at anything. To me, you are the most wonderful woman in the world. You're smart, and sensitive, and beautiful, and funny, and every hour I spend with you makes me love you more."
"Even this one?" Penny said, snorting.
Leonard stopped. "Yes, even this one. Because everything you've said gives me a better sense of how you feel. And everything you feel makes sense to me. You've never really been treated the way you should be treated, and that makes you scared about what might happen. I get that. But now I want even more to prove to you that things can be different. That I can be different. That there is a place where you can feel safe."
Leonard continued, "And I know now that what I did two years ago, and what I did keeping it from you, was the worst possible thing I could do to make you feel safe."
"Come on, that's not rocket science – especially for a rocket scientist like you," Penny scoffed. "How hard is it to know that your girlfriend needs to believe that you're going to be faithful to her?"
"Of course. But I never really understood how sensitive you were to this," Leonard tried to explain. "I always think of you as the toughest nail, the Nebraska farm girl kicking her way through every door. I'm the insecure one, I'm the one who has every reason to think that you'll get tired of me. You're the perfect girl everyone wants. I still can't believe that of all the guys in the world you chose me."
"Well, I did, and up until now I haven't had any reasons to doubt my choice," Penny said, a little cruelly.
"Ouch," Leonard winced. "I deserve that, I know. But I want to prove to you that you have no reason for doubt. I want to spend my life proving it to you. I want you to think of me as the man who showed you that telling somebody you love him doesn't have to end with him mistreating you."
"That," said Penny, a little more gently now, "would be nice. And in my heart I know that you can be that man. Maybe that you are that man. There's sort of a Kate in the way, though."
"I know," Leonard said glumly. "I can't do anything about the past. I can only promise that I will do everything I can to make it up to you in the future."
"All right," Penny said, sighing. "I guess I feel better now. You're a good man, Leonard. I suppose I knew it when I saw the look in your eyes when I was hitting you. You looked so terrified, I felt sorry for you."
Leonard said seriously, "You're right, I was terrified. It seemed like you were in another place. And I didn't know how to reach you and make you feel better. I felt totally helpless."
Penny looked at him a little more kindly. "I'm sorry I hit you., I think I even tore off a couple of buttons from your shirt."
Leonard smiled, "It's all right, it didn't really hurt. Although you did buy me this shirt, and I sort of like it."
Penny smiled, her first smile in a while. "I can fix it."
Leonard added, "And if it makes you feel better, you can hit me anytime."
Penny punched him lightly on the arm. "Nah, I got nothing."
Leonard looked at her and, after hesitating, hugged her tightly. She relaxed into his arms and rested her head on his chest. This might after all be a safe place. She knew how much Leonard cared about her, and that he was not going to set her aside easily.
"I never want to hurt you again," Leonard said softly. "Ever." And she relaxed a little bit more in his arms.
"What do you want to do, Penny?" Leonard asked after a moment.
She looked off into the trees and sighed. "I want to go back home. And I want to spend the night with you holding me in bed. And I want to set a date for us to get married."
"Are you sure?" Leonard asked. "After all this? I would understand if you wanted to wait."
"I'm sure. I feel like we know each other a little better now. We just went through something terrible. I felt that just about my worst nightmare had come true, that the man I love and that I trust more than anyone had cheated on me. But you understood, and you stayed with me, and now I think we're all right. And now you know that when I say 'I love you' to you I really mean it – and that it had better mean something truly important to you too."
"Believe me, I know; and it does," Leonard said.
"But I'm tired," Penny continued. "Let's go home."
And they walked back to the car, with Penny leaning heavily on Leonard's shoulder.