The Heart That Matters
Thor had noticed Loki's strange behaviour these past few days. He had noticed the changes in his true loves action and speech. He had noticed how he was not the person he was before. He noticed that, somehow, Loki seemed to bear a great weight on his shoulders that weighed down his heart.
Loki had seemed more reserved, more stuck in his own world inside his head then than the one of reality. He seemed to notice nothing in his surroundings and his watchful eyes stared on straight ahead. Whenever Thor would begin to speak with him Loki would seem to jerk awake as if he had been awoken abruptly. Loki was like this for many days
He also barely saw Loki. It was as almost as Loki was trying to avoid him. He would spend more time within the library and locked in his own chambers. Thor, some days, only saw him a very few times and at most at dinner. And still his eyes would not meet Thor's. He grew more fearful as the days went on. Then he finally confronted Loki.
One night after dinner with his family he followed Loki as he exited the room early. As he excused himself he made sure to take not of which way Loki left, and then chased after him. Loki must have known he was approaching for his pace increased and he pretended not to notice the obviously loud steps of the thunder God. But Thor eventually caught up with Loki and stepped in front of him, blocking his past. He skipped over politeness and asked Loki, "Why have you been acting so differently these past few days?"
As he starred into Loki's eyes it was one of those very rare times where he could not read them. They seemed so very blank and empty that Thor's heart began to beat quicker. He knew there was something strong on Loki's mind but his face gave nothing away. He had perfect the mask so well, Thor thought with misery, that not even I can get past it. "Loki?"
"I am sorry for how I have acted Thor I just require some more time to think something over." His answer was so formal that it pierced Thor's heart. Loki had not spoken to him like this for many months. He could only guess at what had happened to make his brother so.
"It is something I have done Brother?" Thor's voice became unusually soft and loving as his amylase Loki's features trying to detect any hint of emotion. And he did. He noticed he slight flinch at the words brother. How Loki's shoulders slightly moved backwards and how his eyes flashed with something.
"No, Thor, you have done nothing wrong." This time when Loki spoke Thor detected a terrible sadness in his words. He also saw the same sadness flash through his eyes. This is when Thor knew something horrible was wrong, something only extreme could cause this reaction in Loki. But Thor did not push for answers to the questions he sorely wanted to be answered. Instead he gave his lover the space he desired.
Loki then stopped sneaking into Thor's chambers and this hurt more than Loki's reservedness. Usually Loki would creep into Thor's room and they would enjoy each other's company. Sometimes they would lay there until early morning when Loki had to sneak away and other times they would make love. But that had all changed. Thor began to spend the nights alone with a painful empty space next to his side. At first Thor pushed down his doubts and worries, but on the third night, Thor went to Loki, confused and fed up with Loki's behaviour.
He walked quietly though the palace, checking over his shoulder and glancing around him, just to make sure no guard spotted him. As he slowly crept his way to Loki's room he tried to rein in his thoughts but failed. His mind imagined what would happen when he meet Loki. His mind had managed to conjure the worst situations possible. This only caused Thor to make his way to his destination quicker. Then, suddenly, he was at Loki's door, unsure or how to proceed.
As Thor stood and starred at the wooden entry way he was sure Loki had realised he was outside, so he let himself in. But Thor had made the wrong assumption at the worst possible time. Loki did not realise Thor had been outside his chambers and therefor he was unprepared to face the sight of his brother or to collect himself. Thor wasn't prepared for the sight he saw either.
Loki sat hunched over terribly, on the edge of his bed. He held his head in his hands as it shook back and forth after wave and wave of sobbed erupted from his chest. Thor could not see the tears but knew for the sounds coming from his brother that there was sure to be many concealed by his hands. Loki's hands also began to shake when a suddenly more violent cry burst through his lovely lips. Thor couldn't stand it anymore and walked towards his love.
He slowly walked towards Loki got wanting to frighten him. As he got close and his feet were visible n Loki's line of vision, the younger man froze. His sobs ceased and had gone scarily still. His own body in fact had stopped its tremors. Then he lifted his head and eyes to meet Thor's gaze. "Hello Thor."
The sound of Loki's weak and scared voice made Thor fall to his knees in front of him. His hands outstretched to Hold Loki's but the black haired made recoiled. Thor's expression turned into one of hurt and desperation at seeing his brother like this. He wanted to embrace him and comfort him but Loki would not even take his hands. He stared into Loki's eyes as tears filled both pairs and Thor asked, "Loki, what is so wrong it had made you weep? What has happened?"
Loki only responded with, "I will answer your all questions but please, first, I want you to kiss me." Loki' voice attempted to be strong but he found that it shook with emotion. Thor felt that this was a strange request and he need not ask for a kiss but gave his bother what he wanted. Thor leaned into Loki's face and reached up to cut his brother's check lovingly. His other had found its way into his hair as their lips met.
It was a slow and meaningful kiss. It was delicate as Thor and Loki's lips danced together with a smouldering, but not blazing, passion. Both severe the taste of the others lips, Loki more than Thor. But Thor noticed the kiss felt like their last. As if this was the last chance to touch lips like this. It had a sad feeling, for lack of a better word. And it ended slightly bittersweet as their lips parted. Thor then asked, with his voice also slightly shaky, "Can you please answer my questions?"
Loki only sighed deeply and a trickle of salty water ran down his slender cheeks as he rose on weak legs from the bed. He motioned for Thor to movie slightly away and he complied immediately. They were quiet some feet apart now as Loki to another sigh as if preparing himself for what he was about to say next. "Thor, I think it may be better if I showed you, just please stay somewhat calm."
What?
Then Loki began to change before Thor's very eyes. The pale skin he had gotten to know so well over some many nights became a beautiful shade of dark blue. The usually smooth skin of his love had changed so now there were lines and patterns all over his visible body. Loki had closed his eyes up until this point but now he slowly opened them and waited for Thor to meet them after they had finished running over his new form. And when they dis Thor saw the blood red colour so strange and different from the usual green that he loved so much. Then Loki began to speak, "This is what I am Thor," and Thor knew what he was going to saw before the words left his lips, "I am a Jotun."
Hearing his thoughts confirmed by Loki brought on a surge of emotions. Confusion. Fear. Love. Sadness. Pain. All these swirled in Thor's mind, mixing into one this minute then the next minute focusing entirely on another. He didn't know what to think but he knew he wanted answers, answers to every question that burned into his mind. But the first he wanted answer was, "How?"
"That night that Odin took the Casket of Winters away from the Jotuns and Jotunheim he also found a baby. It had been abandoned in a temple. Left to die." Loki had spat the last three words with rage. "That child was me Thor, that child was Loki Laufeyson." Loki's voice cracked on the syllables of his own fathers name and Thor still could not fathom and understand all that was happening. "But why?"
"Odin thought that I could help bring a more permanent peace to both our lands. He took me away that night this reason only, much like the relics he keeps locked away." Loki's voice practically dripped with hate ad anger but there was also a depressing sadness to the way his lips formed his words. "He thought I could unite our kingdoms." Thor's breaths were coming in deep and almost ragged as he began to gain some control over his emotions but he still required one more answer. "Just one more question. Why did he only tell you know? Why not earlier?"
"I cannot pretend to know the Allfather's thoughts but I presume he thought it was the right time, perhaps the right time to act or something along those lines." Loki's gaze lowered as he realised Thor had received all the answers he needed and now whatever happened next was his choice.
He could hate Loki. Despise him for what he really was. A monster, an evil and cold creature. A Jotun. He could hurt Loki as they both knew who was stronger her. He could lash out on the man he had though was his brother for many years. And what brought tears to his eyes was that after the blissful months of love they had experienced together, was now taken away from them,. Loki would never embrace Thor as he once did and he would never feel the feel of Thor's lips on his own. Loki was sure that everything between them, every touch and every ounce of love, was now over between them.
But what Loki did not realise was that Thor had already made up his mind. Even from the first moments Loki began to change into the form of his heritage. He knew how he felt and he knew what he would do. He knew that he would always love Loki, no matter what. He knew his love would never change just because of the skin he wore. He knew that in Loki's heart he was the man and the e lover he had always been before. And even if Loki had lost his love for Thor, Thor understood and accepted the fact that he would never stop loving Loki. Never. Not matter what. So when he saw the tears spring from Loki's lowered lids he walked forward to embrace the only person he could ever love so much.
But Loki read Thor's response differently. He read it as one of pain and hate where Thor had walked closer to strike him down. He backed away and raised his hands to protect himself. Knowing he could never run for Thor but he might as well try what he could. He tensed preparing for the thunder Gods blow. But it never came.
Thor understood what his brother was feeling at that moment. He could guess why he had raised his arms in defence and the way he walked backwards showed his thoughts palmy. This almost brought tears back to Thor's eyes at full swing. The knowledge that Loki believed he was going to harm and hit him was heartbreaking. So he slowly reached our, hands gentle as they have ever been and lowered Loki's arms to his sides, and hugged him tightly.
Loki as shocked at Thor's actions. Questions racing around in his mind. He had not expected this. Why had not Thor hit him? How was he not dead yet? How was he still here feeling Thor's arms around him when he believed their last moments together were over? How was this all happening? How could all this be happening? "T-Thor?"
Tho leaned back slightly, enough so Loki and he could look into each other's eyes but not far enough that Loki was not in Thor's arms. Then he began, "Loki, to me it does not matter what race you are. It does not matter that your skin is a different colour to mine. It does not matter that you are not from the place I had thought so. It only matters that your heart," Thor rested his hand agonists Loki's chest, "is still the same as it was always. The same heart that I love and the same heart that loved me and I hope still does. Loki, I do not care that you are a Jotun, I still love you and I will, no matter what."
Loki's hand suddenly intertwined itself with Thor's blonde hair as he crushed their lips together. This was a kiss so very different to their previse one. This was all about a desperate want. The both wanted nothing more than to feel the others lips again and Loki could not be happier, realising that something he thought was lost forever was not. The kiss lasted for a long time of which both are not sure exactly but they both agree it was the best kiss they had ever experienced. And after their heated sessions they headed to Loki's bed where Loki curled against Thor's body as they lay as a couple. Loki's tense body had softened into his usual self and before they fell asleep they both looked deeply into the others eyes. Thor knowing that he did not care for anything but his lover's heart and Loki knowing that Thor truly accepted himself better than he had.
And both of them knowing they would love the other through whatever challenges and experiences they encountered, and that they were loved the very same.