Note: So, I guess I found this fandom now? This show is insane but I love it. I'm also endlessly fascinated with the relationship between Dee and Dennis, and them as individual characters. So this is a little darker and more serious than the general tone of the show, but I hope that it charts well enough onto canon dynamics. The title comes from a line in the Iliad, where Artemis scolds Apollo. I thought it was appropriate. I hope you enjoy!
That Bow, Which is Wind and Nothing
Dennis has told her that he loved her only twice.
Sure, he'll imply it on occasion—especially when they were younger, and feelings were more familiar and acceptable—but his pride has rarely allowed him to acknowledge it out loud. Instead, he'll make do with Dennis' version of expressing intimacy: sliding her a drink, calling her "sis", and giving her unwanted advice about her love life.
It is only when Dee is older that she understands that this advice, this attention that he graces her with is the highest regard that Dennis can offer. It's not enough, but she supposes it's the best she can get, and the most that he can give her.
When they are children, it goes like this:
It is 1987. Lethal Weapon is in theaters, Ronald Regan is president, and Dennis and Dee are alone in a noisy world.
They have just turned twelve and are living proof of the existence of a twin-bond. Frank claims that they can read each other's minds. Nobody disputes it.
They have just turned twelve, and everything is about to change.
Specifically, Dee is changing. She has intense growing pains every night, and lays in bed sobbing while Dennis can only sit and watch. Her body is changing (Dee stares in the mirror at her chest, and she can see something starting to develop) and she can't quite keep up.
Dennis is left behind, unchanged.
This also leads their mother to change. She used to ignore them both. Now, she dotes on Dennis, pinches his cheeks, calls him clever and beautiful and just like your mother. She hates Dee, despises her, and calls her stupid and ugly and just like your father.
This is the first time they are separated into two distinct groups: Dennis has his mother, Dee has her father, and they are no longer alone. They never recover.
They never really needed words, before. They just knew what the other was thinking. Now, Dennis has started to talk an awful lot without really saying anything, and Dee is livid.
"Shut up!" She tells him one day, distraught. "Just, shut up Dennis!"
Dennis stares at her, lips lifting into a now-familiar sneer. "What," He goads, leaning forward, into her space. It is alien, no longer comforting. "Does the truth hurt? You know that won't happen, Dee. Only beautiful people are cast in plays. You're not beautiful."
Dee's breathing hitches. Tears form in her eyes. "Fine!" She snaps, moving away. "At least I don't look like a boner."
"I'm trying to help you!" She hears in the distance, and she continues to storm away before bumping into her father. She's already outgrown him, so he's not as scary as he used to be when she was younger and smaller.
He squints at her. He's drunk and slurring his words. "You kids are making too much noise. Why can't you just sit there quietly, like you used to?"
Dee wipes her tears away angrily. "Tell that to Dennis."
"You should listen to your brother, you know," Her dad begins, and she has had enough. Even if she can't have her mom, or Dennis (anymore), she was supposed to have her dad. It looks like she was sorely mistaken.
"Why should I?" She snaps, moving away from him too. "He never has anything worth listening to."
"You sure about that?" Her dad asks. "Do you listen to what he wants to tell you?"
She's not sure what he's going for and she doesn't want to know. "Whatever." She says, masking her confusion, and stomps away.
That was when they were no longer "they", and Dee didn't understand Dennis' language anymore. It takes her a long time to relearn it.
The first time, Dee does not believe him.
She is high on success, and it feels better than anything she'd ever taken. Sure, she's feeling the familiar pangs of nausea and fear, but that'll pass. Her years of spending for drama classes, of suffering the taunts of her friends and family, will finally pay off. It will have all been worth it.
It's even worth being subjected to Dennis' special version of "helping". If she sees one more Polaroid of an average-to-ugly looking man, she's going to scream.
As she boards the plane, she hears her name and turns around. Her brother is running to her and comes to an ungraceful stop at the plane's steps. He begins talking earnestly, quickly, about being the perfect select, about being proud of her achievements, about knowing that she was going to make it someday.
Dee lets it all wash over her. She'd been expecting this. Dennis is as desperate as she is for success and she just knew he would try to use her to get it. She knows he's not above begging, nor above squashing his dignity and lowering himself to her mercy in order to get what he wants. She's looking forward to laughing in his face before leaving.
Then, Dennis says "I love you," and Dee is furious.
She's furious because it works. She'd been wanting to hear that from him, to acknowledge the way they used to be as kids, for so long that she is ecstatic at hearing it. Every dream she'd ever had is coming true one after another and it is perfect.
She's furious because she knows he'd never actually say that and mean it. If there is nothing that he can gain out of it. Suddenly, she wants him to hurt just as much as he has hurt her.
"Dennis," She says softly. She watches his eyes light up. He thinks she's fallen for it.
"Suck my dick."
She kicks him in the face, and it is so satisfying watching him fall. She hopes it hurts, that she has injured his pride just as much and that he regrets making her so miserable.
When Dee learns that Dennis hadn't been in on the joke, she doesn't know what to think. Either way, he had to have said that to gain something, right?
Right?
Dee doesn't know what to make of Chardee MacDennis.
She thinks it's the most fun she's ever had in, well, probably her entire life. It's the only time she is seen as an equal player (literally) to the rest of the gang. Whatever hatred they have for her disappears, and she is formally included in their tight circle.
It also helps that she wins every time they play.
And, well, there's Dennis. When they play the game, fully united as a team, it's like they're thrust back in time before 1987 and growing up and changing messes with everything. They snap back to being fully on the same page. Their thoughts align, twist into each other in a way that Dee no longer thought possible and wants to experience again every time they play. She's drunk on the intimacy of being connected to another person like that, even if it is her piece-of-shit brother.
Chardee MacDennis, while being among the best times she ever has, also proves to her that her closeness with her brother is something that is still there but is also something Dennis does not want to access anymore without reason. It hurts a little to think about.
They're on Level 2. They are challenged, in their pairs, to hold lit cigarettes onto the palms of their partner. The person who holds out the longest wins the card.
Dennis has a death grip on her wrist and is holding the cigarette firmly onto her palm. Dee is taking deep breaths, trying to distract herself from the pain. It's only barely working.
She glances to the side. Mac is burning Charlie, who has his hands stretched out onto the table in front of him. He also looks close to breaking.
Dennis' hand twitches on her wrist, and Dee realizes that he's shaking. She looks up, and he's staring at her intently. He blinks once, twice, and then Dee feels his hand gentle, and his fingers curl to feel the pulse on her wrist. Hold on.
She releases the breath that she was holding and shifts, not breaking eye contact. He begins to tighten and loosen his grip to her heartbeat, and Dee continues to stare, trying to keep time and forget about the pain.
She's startled by a sudden yelp. Her concentration broken, she turns to see Charlie clutching at his hand and Mac slamming his cigarette down on the counter, extinguishing it.
"Shit!" Mac roars, and Dee feels the cigarette swiftly leave her palm. She relaxes and feels Dennis' thumb appear to cover the spot.
"That's not fair," Charlies snarls, eyes streaming with tears. "It's Dee. She's a girl and she's weak. They had to have been cheating."
Her brother shifts his grip on her wrist and holds it up, displaying the prominent burn that the cigarette has left behind. "Voila, asshole!"
"You dick," Charlies wipes his eyes as Dennis drops her hand. "You really would put out lit cigarettes on your sister, huh?"
Dennis smiles, all teeth and aggression and sweet, sweet victory. "You bet your ass I would. Reynolds' don't feel pain."
He high fives her. He hits the burn, but Dee doesn't care. She's too high on the victory and the joy and the acceptance to even notice.
The second time…Dee believes him too late the second time.
This time, it's not petty squabbling and one-upping and scheming and playing games. It's real now, literal life and death and it looks like death is finally winning out.
Dee is treading water and cannot believe that after everything, she's going out with these assholes. She's spent pretty much the entirety of her life trying to get away from them, and she can't even die in the privacy of her own company. So, yeah, she's terrified, but she's also furious.
Frank's the first one to give in, as expected. With a "Highway to hell, baby!" he sinks to the bottom and out of sight. Dee can't process what she's seen, can't think about what that could entail next.
She hears a sobbing breath from Charlie, and then…
"Sis?"
Dennis is gasping, sputtering. She turns to him, sees the tears in his eyes and the desperation on his face. No feelings, her ass.
"I love you."
And there it is. Dee is so confused, she can't think straight. She only has a couple minutes to think of his angle. Why'd he say that? What could he possibly gain in stringing her up this time around? Sure, they're in an extreme situation, but she cannot possibly figure out his game now, and she's running out of time she doesn't have.
Maybe he's found God, in the end, and is asking him for forgiveness through her. She's the one he's wronged the most, after all.
Suddenly, Dee is tired of it all. Whatever he meant by it, she isn't letting him take over her last moments, or manipulate her one more time.
She takes his final, desperate, gesture, and throws it back in his face: "Whatever."
She lets go, relaxes, and sinks, Dennis' horrified face on her mind.
She's quickly enveloped by the water in a hug, accepting her gladly in a way that nothing ever has. As she submits and begins to slowly sink, she thinks of Dennis' face, right then, and of his words. Was it really so surprising? Or out of nowhere? He'd said it to her before, and he'd shown her multiple times (clutching onto her when they see the corpse of their mother, holding her up in the hospital as she goes into labor). Even if it isn't about her, she's the conduit with which he uses to express his best self. Isn't that enough for her? Shouldn't it be enough for her?
As she hits the bottom, he follows soon after, as he always does, and she curses him for taking over her final moments after all.
Soon after, Charlie and Mac follow, and they all seem to develop the twin-sense that had only belonged to the Reynolds siblings. They all link hands, one by one, and Dee makes sure to thread her fingers through her brother's and squeeze tightly.
Dee's still furious, but she accepts that they're all she has. And she's okay with that.
Mac finally comes out and everyone is relieved, Dee included.
Sure, it takes him a couple tries but when he's out, he embraces it fully. This has the side effect, unexpected but also expected, of a change in his interactions with Dennis.
Dee has always known that Mac loved Dennis. They all have (if Dennis does is…debatable), but it was always a question of whether or not he would act on it. Now, though…Mac is getting Dennis Valentine's Day gifts, he's taking every opportunity to get them together, and he is blindingly obvious while doing it.
Dee doesn't get it (honestly…she thinks Mac can do better with somebody who will actually give him a chance) but that's who Mac has decided to pursue, and it's none of her business, really. Plus, she doesn't give enough of a fuck to say anything about it.
Along with his more determined perusal of Dennis, Mac has also grown snappier and shorter with Dee herself. She doesn't know if it has to do with his newfound confidence or is simply the result of him speaking out more, but she doesn't give a fuck about that either. She can give as good as she can get.
It's only later, though, that she finds out why.
It's a pretty normal day in Paddy's. That is, the bar is pretty much empty all day and Frank ends up covered in blue paint and Dennis and Charlie running from a group of local teenagers, so a tame day considering.
Mac and Dee, who had been out searching for and calming down the teenagers, are the first to come back to the bar. Dee sighs and immediately heads to the whiskey. "Want one?" She asks Mac, pouring herself a shot.
"Gimme," Mac replies, hoisting himself onto a barstool and tapping his fingers on the bar's surface furiously. "Faster, Dee! God!"
"Okay, chill out, dickwad!" Dee pours the shot and slides it across to Mac, who catches it and downs it in one go. "Slow down!"
Mac ignores her, slamming the glass back down on the bar. "God, teenagers are pieces of shit."
"Amen." Dee takes her own shot.
"We did good, though," Mac says, circling a finger around the glass' rim. "Think Dennis will be happy?"
Dee shrugs. "I dunno," She mutters. "I don't care."
"I don't care that you don't care, Dee!" Mac snaps at her. "In your twin-opinion, do you think Dennis will be proud of me? That I got rid of those hooligans?"
"Wow, okay," Dee leans forward on the bar. "First of all, they were a group of gifted students who were mad that Charlie and Dennis took their baked goods. Second, I was there too, asshole. Third, Dennis won't give a fuck and you know it. He's so caught up in himself that he has no room for anyone else."
"Not you." Mac says, cutting his eyes at her furiously. "He's not like that with you."
Dee laughs, disbelieving. "You're kidding, right? He rags on me just like the rest of you do. Even worse, sometimes."
"Well, yeah!" Mac throws his arms up in the air, frustrated. "Of course he does! But he still pays more attention to you than anyone else. When he wants to brag, he tells you. When he wants to outdo someone, it's always you. He keeps telling you to go but goes crazy when you leave. I can't get him to stop!"
"You're crazy," Dee shakes her head, standing back up. "You really think that means he pays more attention to me? It's literally what the rest of you do to me. You love to blame me for everything and prove me wrong. That literally means nothing special, you fucking asshole."
Mac simmers down, very suddenly. He crosses his arms and rests on them sullenly. "He told you he loved you in his last moments, back on the boat. What the fuck do you think that means?'
That shuts Dee up. Nobody talked about the boat. Not ever. "Well, Charlie also put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Do you think that translates into real life?"
Mac shakes his head. "That's not the same and you know it. Dennis is always going to turn to you. He's always going to turn to women."
Mac puts his head in his arms. Dee pours him another drink and slides it over, heart pounding.
Dee has never told Dennis that she loves him.
He has taught her to be careful about things like that. The man has the memory of a fucking dolphin (or whatever the hell has a long memory, she's forgotten) and he remembers every weakness she's got, if she's ever stupid enough to show him. He uses it and strips her down and makes sure she stays weaker on him, that she remains reliant on him.
For some reason, the moments where he deigns to show her some affection doesn't exist in the same space. To him, they're not a weakness. They're a blessing that he is gracious enough to bestow upon her once in a while. He tells her he loves her, shows her he loves her, to remind her of her place, and is confident enough in the power of it that she will remain there.
The thing is, it's true. He's played her that way for years, and she keeps coming back for the hope that she will hear "I love you" again.
The only power Dee has over him is that she's never says it back. If she does, she has fully succumbed to the powerhouse that is Dennis, and has been claimed fully into the orbit of his life.
All she can do is yell at him and threaten him and mess with him and annoy him and squeeze his hand and hope to god that it's enough. Maybe one day, she can find "I love you" in her own language again.
END