Disclaimer: I don't own any Archer characters. Another disclaimer: I am pro Ewok. Deal with it. This just more insanity from my tiny little insane mind. Take place right after 10 and a Half.
The Ewok Equation
"Typical!" Ray grumbled as he cleaned the bullpen. "You assholes make a mess and I end up having to clean up after you!"
"I'm cleaning too Ray," Lana said. "And I didn't do anything either. That being said, you have a point."
"Ugh," Krieger had put his pants and his lab coat back on. "I haven't cleaned up this much garbage since after that Cinco De Mayo party with my clones in San Marcos."
"Okay I get these idiots screwing around and causing a mess," Lana pointed to Pam, Cheryl and Krieger. "But you Cyril? Seriously? You're supposed to be the head of this agency."
"Oh, now you admit it!" Cyril grumbled. His head was still bandaged but he had put his clothes back on.
"I can't believe you turned on everyone and helped lead a miniature robot rebellion!" Lana snapped. "On second thought, yes I can."
"Lana I was so bombed with alcohol and drugs I didn't know what I was doing!" Cyril snapped. "And possibly a minor concussion."
"That also happened to me in San Marcos," Krieger admitted.
"I can't believe you guys got your asses kicked by robots only six inches high," Ray snorted.
"Yeah it was like that whole frickin' Ewok mess in Return of the Jedi," Pam grumbled.
"I like Ewoks!" Cheryl snapped. "They're like cute little portable Wookies."
"They are aren't they?" Krieger nodded.
"Ugh, I hated those things!" Lana groaned.
"Kind of threw off the whole trilogy," Pam agreed.
"No, they didn't!" Cheryl snapped. "Ewoks are awesome!"
"Oh please!" Cyril snapped. "You expect everyone to believe that an all-powerful space empire led by a god damned Sith Lord could have been easily taken down by a bunch of hyperactive teddy bears?"
"Teddy bears with spears Cyril!" Cheryl snapped. "Warrior teddy bears with spears!"
"Still proves my point," Cyril said.
"Well maybe if the Empire wasn't so stupid and kept committing all its funds and resources to the same stupid plan which failed before they wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place?" Cheryl snapped.
"Or at the very least design a Death Star without the same design flaw," Ray added.
"Exactly!" Cheryl nodded. "Hello! Ronald Regan ring a bell?"
"That was the Star Wars defense program!" Lana barked.
"Same difference!" Cheryl snapped back.
"She actually does have a point there," Cyril admitted. "I mean the Star Wars defense program was pretty costly. And I'm pretty sure so were both Death Stars…"
"Right?" Cheryl said.
"I'm not saying being able to blow up a planet isn't pretty cool and terrifying," Cyril said. "It's just when you factor in the cost of materials, labor, resources, a power source…"
"Not to mention all those insurance plans of all those officers and Stormtroopers that died," Ray added.
"If they had any sort of death benefits," Cyril said. "That alone would partially bankrupt an empire."
"Death benefits?" Lana was stunned.
"Lana, the Empire was a major organization," Krieger said. "That had a very efficient management system with incentives for officers. Of course death benefits are going to be part of the package! It's just common sense!"
"Man can you imagine the HR department for that place?" Pam laughed. "I wonder what forms you have to fill out if you get attacked by a garbage monster in your office's own trash disposal unit?"
"I don't know," Krieger shrugged. "What was ours?"
"The Star Wars defense program had nothing to do with Star Wars the movie!" Lana snapped.
"Lana, they were both extremely expensive to make!" Cyril said.
"The movie or the actual Death Star?" Ray asked.
"Both! Either!" Cyril snapped.
"And the Star Wars program wasn't even finished," Krieger said. "There goes thirty billion dollars down that hole!"
"Technically neither was the second Death Star," Ray said. "And who knows how many billions of dollars that drained from the budget?"
"Face it, Palatine thought the Empire was too big to fail and it wasn't!" Cheryl said. "Plus, he really should have learned how to fly."
"I know, right?" Krieger agreed. "The man can telekinetically throw an entire Senate at Yoda but he can't figure out how to levitate himself? What's that all about?"
"If I had telekinetic powers that would be one of the first things I would learn how to do," Ray admitted. "That's just common sense!"
"I know right?" Pam said. "I'd do that."
"Pam you'd have to be stronger than Chewbacca to levitate yourself," Ray told her.
"Pamela the Hutt!" Cheryl laughed.
"You know…?" Pam began.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Lana groaned. "But can we go back to the original argument is that Ewoks suck?"
"You suck!" Krieger snapped.
"They're just a bunch of teddy bears!" Lana snapped.
"They're a freaking metaphor you idiot!" Cheryl shouted.
"How are Ewoks a metaphor?" Lana asked.
"Ugggh!" Cheryl pouted in frustration. "It's a comparison without using like or as! Duh!"
"I meant in context of the movie, idiot!" Lana snapped.
"Again, ugggh!" Cheryl was frustrated. "They are a symbol of no matter how big and powerful you are, there's always going to be one tiny little thing that is going to screw up your plans. That the largest most powerful force in the universe can be thwarted by the most insignificant thing and that brings balance to the freaking force!"
"Oh," Lana said. "Okay I totally see that now."
"Well when you put it like that," Ray said. "Ewoks totally make sense now."
"Right?" Cheryl asked.
"I tried making an Ewok once," Krieger sighed.
"There's a shocker," Ray drawled.
"Didn't end well," Krieger told them.
"Another shocker," Ray added.
"Please tell me you don't have some kind of mutant Ewok corpse in your lab," Cyril groaned.
"Well not this lab," Krieger told him. "And technically I didn't leave a corpse so…"
"What's that?" Mallory asked as she walked in. "Krieger what corpse are you talking about this time? Please tell me you didn't take any souvenirs from the hospital!"
"No," Lana said. "We were talking about Ewoks."
Mallory frowned. "Is that a thing from a star war?"
"Star Wars," Cyril corrected. "And yes. And before you ask, they're small bear like creatures from the moon of Endor."
"Which is actually a metaphor," Cheryl interrupted.
"And Krieger tried to make one in his lab," Pam added.
"Which lab?" Mallory sighed.
"Not this one if that's what you're asking," Krieger told her.
"Okay…" Mallory sighed. "Well then that explains this."
She then turned on the television. There was a male reporter in a jungle somewhere. "This is Henry Henderson from the jungles of San Marcos. Today the peacekeeping forces of the United States were driven off by insurgents. Very short insurgents. Dressed oddly in some kind of furs…"
Just then a wooden arrow zipped by Henry and imbedded itself into a tree. "AAHH!"
The camera turned to see several US forces running away from some strange mostly brown bear like creatures carrying spears and arrows and wearing leather outfits. And a few of them had guns.
"RUN!" A soldier shouted. "SOME OF THOSE WEIRD DAMN BEARS ARE PACKING HEAT!"
"YUB NAAAAHHHH!" One bear creature screamed as he fired a rifle wildly.
"I think I just learned the Ewok phrase for 'suppressing fire'," Ray quipped.
"YA! YA!" A bear creature was seen popping out of a tank with a little helmet on its head.
"HOW THE HELL DID THOSE DAMN THINGS STEAL A TANK?" Someone yelled.
"Told you they were warriors," Cheryl scoffed.
The camera was quickly back on Henry. "Apparently, the rumors of weird genetic experiments and mutations due to toxic gasses released in the invasion of San Marcos are true."
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Let me rephrase that," Henry gulped as a bomb went off behind him. "THEY ARE DEFNINITELY TRUE!"
"FALL BACK! FALL BACK!" An Army general ran into the camera line. "WE NEED TO FALL BACK!"
"GENERAL!" Another soldier ran up. "The second battalion is being outflanked by more rebels. And it appears they're being led by someone that looks…That looks…"
"Looks like what?" The General snapped.
"Like an unholy amphibious human adolescent hybrid!" The soldier shouted.
"Oh, dear God!" The General groaned. "Not him again! RETREAT! RETREAT!"
Mallory turned off the television. Everyone looked at Krieger. "Anything you want to confess?" Mallory asked icily.
"What can I say?" Krieger shrugged. "I did a lot in San Marcos."
"Including making a god damn nerve gas missile," Ray glared.
"That was the other Kriegers! Not me!" Krieger protested. "And technically not the unholy amphibious human adolescent hybrid either."
"Unless you're one of the fake Kriegers pretending to be the real one," Cheryl said.
"I'm going to pretend this is all a fake conversation and drink some real scotch," Mallory turned and walked away.