Dirty Minds

A/N: lol, another funny idea I came up with. It reminds me of FirstTime by Materioptikon, but different in its own humorous way. Also thought about this in school, and the best part: No OCs. Well, I guess that's only the best part if you don't like OCs… oh well.

Let's Get 'Dis Pawty Stawted! Lol, no I'm not high.

Warning: Sexual humor, author's crazy drug reference.

Disclaimer: Do I look like the creator of Hellsing to you? No. Didn't think so.

Part One

Two undead beings sit in a room that resembles a dungeon in silence. The girl, Seras, lays on a couch staring up at the dancing shadows on the ceiling that flicker due to the candle light that gives the other vampire, Alucard, visibility to read. Well… okay, he didn't need the candle; it was just force of habit.

After a few moments of undisturbed silence, fabric on fabric is heard as Alucard shifts position in his thrown-like chair. This earns a glance from his young fledgling, and he meets her gaze with a smirk. Apprehension is hinted in her features; for it is this smirk that signifies that her master has just had a thought… a possibly disturbing thought… She swings her legs over the side of her resting place and continues to search for any means to run, but only finds his maddening grin. All the while, the No-Life king follows her every movement, amused and entertained at the scenarios that are passing through her mind. Finally, she decides to give in, and ask exactly what it is he is smiling about.

"Master?" she starts carefully. He just grins wider, as she had taken the first step he was wanting.

"Yes, Police Girl?" is his reply. His book is still in his hand, and he sets it on his side table as Seras begins to ask her question.

"Why are you smiling like that? You're giving me the creeps…" Seras inquires. She never did like it when her Master was like this. Even with the faintest of his devilish smirks could become disastrous, and she was obviously the target of his next 'game.'

"Why, the reason is because I just had a brilliant idea, of course, my Kitten." He crosses his legs and folds his hands in his lap, not taking his eyes off his now even more suspicious fledgling.

"… and that idea would be…?" she asked, planting her feet on the floor. If she had to run now, she would be ready. It's always best to be ready, even though with her master's abilities running would do no good.

"My reading material gave me a wonderful idea for a game! Would you like to play?"

Seras was hesitant at first, but her master had made no move to signify that he wanted to play any of his previous 'games', like how bad he could make her blush in front of Sir Hellsing, or how long she could last with Pip and his perverted comments.

"What kind of game?" she asks.

"A guessing game," he tells her with a mischievous smirk. When he gives her a questioning looks, he sends her more information via mind. Her mouth forms into an "O" before giving a smile of her own.

"Sure, Master Alucard. But you have to go first." The Vampire King smiles widely at her acceptance and nods to her circumstance. He thinks for a moment before looking around his room in search of an objective. The corners of his lips pull up when he does, and the game begins.

"Mine's bigger than yours," he states simply. Seras gives a puzzled look before catching on. This round was hers, she already knew what he was talking about.

"Well Master, that's only because I don't have one," she says, leaning back on the sofa. Alucard looks put out of her finding her goal so quickly, but decides to carry on, in case she is just playing it out.

"You could, if you wanted to," he points out. He was not giving up his game so easily, not yet and not ever.

"Yes, but that would be long and painful, especially with Integra… well, you get the picture…" Seras shudders at a memory. Alucard face morphs into a pout. She obviously had him figured out, but with his mind reading abilities he would for sure win the next round, so he went with it.

"Your turn," he says gruffly, letting out a sigh. Seras giggles in triumph and places a finger on her chin in thought. She snaps her fingers with a smile, evidently figuring out what she would do.

"I have some things that are bigger than yours…" she says deviously. He scoffs at her lack of originality.

"I prefer not to have them bigger than yours, and mine are much more 'portable'. You can't walk into public with those and not turn heads." He pauses. "And just like you said, I could get bigger ones if I so choose to, but there is a certain someone that will make it unbearable to do so…"

She nods her head, and decides to start a little argument, "At least you would be more accepted with it, and I wouldn't be the same. I've often wondered why you haven't gotten them already, with how you fancy them so much." However, instead of starting an argument, he just smirks a smile that makes everyone so unnerving. Seras thinks to herself, Oh God, what have I gotten myself into…?

"Would you like to challenge that for real? It would be doable…" he trails off, looking at his fledgling, his eyes burning red.

Seras thinks for a moment. She knows there is no way out of this, she might as well make it bearable?

"Fine. We both have to get the 'job' done, and whoever cracks first has to call the other and the caller loses. If I win, you have to stop pestering me to drink the blood for a week."

"And if I win?" Once again, Seras thinks about what would satisfy her perverted Master, but wouldn't put her too far outside of her comfort zone, either.

"Okay, if you win, Baskerville can sleep in my room for a day." His response was a smile that made him look like it was his birthday.

"Deal!" he quickly accepts, not allowing anytime for Seras to change her mind.

"Wait, what if there is a tie?" Seras asks. Alucard thinks on the subject, trying to come up with something that would annoy his fledgling to no end but also something he would be able to do without problem. He smiles wickedly when he finds a solution, and is happy to see Seras starting to cower at his expression.

"If there is a tie, we will have to do equal amount of work for Master Integra." This was a perfect solution, as his Master would most likely have them do paperwork. He would be able to use his skills to get it done in no time, whilst still being able to irritate Integra. Seras, on the other hand, would be working well into dawn by time she could finish. She obviously didn't see his views because she let herself sigh and relief, and they shook hands before getting up to exit the room; him by means of the floor, and her using the door.

---Later---

Seras stands at the door to Integra's office. While the two were on their way to accomplish their goals, Alucard had given the conditions using telepathy. These conditions included that they had to achieve their ambitions alongside said persons that would make it more difficult, though he worded it 'interesting.'

So, this knowledge known, the young Draculina hesitantly lifted up a clenched fist and stiffly knocked on the door. She heard a muffled 'Come in' and she stepped through the threshold.

Seras walka up to her Master's Master, and stops in front of the over sized desk. Sir Hellsing looks at her expectantly behind large stacks of papers. Seras suddenly becomes aware of how deep she is in, and she becomes mentally horrified at the 'tie' conditions. She starts to yell at her master, but is interrupted by Sir Integra's throat clearing.

"Oh! Um… Sir? I uh…"

"Come on Seras, I don't think I should have to tell you that I'm busy," Integra stares blankly at the vampire before her, the only emotion she hints toward being curiosity; after all Seras is being more skittish than normal.

"Right Sir, well… Master and I got into a bet…" Seras waits for Integra to absorb this information, seeing as in future bets they… well, let's just say they ended badly; a medical bill or two for a certain mercenary. Integra nods and she goes on.

"Well… I have to go hat shopping, and one of the conditions is that you have to go with me…" Seras waits for the explosion and in less than three seconds, Integra is out of her chair and dragging Seras out the door, no doubt toward a limo, all the while Integra is going on about which hat to get her and if there are any conditions on that, what store to get to, and so on; she could be compared to a child on Christmas morning.

Why did I let Master get me into this? Seras asks herself. It would be a good four hours before she even heard mention of the mansion again…

---Mean While---

Alucard stands before a scurrying Walter, whom is giving suggestions on his new gun pair accessories.

"How about a scope? Or maybe a blade switch for the tip? Or-"

"Walter, these need to be preferably bigger than Seras's Harkonnen cannons," Alucard says, getting slightly irritated at the butler. Why did he get himself into this? He knew having Walter make him some guns would take well over a few hours, especially with Walter's obsession.

"Oh… then perhaps a tracker for the missile? Oh I know!" Alucard watches as Walter dashes around a bit more, scavenging for parts for the new guns. The only thing that is keeping him from erupting right now is the thought of him as Baskerville sleeping alongside Seras for a day, something he would do every day if it were not for his Master forbidding it unless Seras herself said otherwise. He had to win this, because this was indeed a rare occasion and he would no sooner pass it up than pass up a fight with the Judas Priest.

All he has to do is wait; all it takes is a peek through telepathy to see Seras is near breaking point, meaning he was close to victory. On that note, the ancient vampire sits in an arm chair in the current room and watches Walter work, awaiting the call from his dreading fledgling. But until then, he waits.

Ha! A hat and guns! Jeez, what were you people thinking, you sickos!

A/N: And that's a wrap! Of course there will be another chapter, but that's it. The next one determines the winner and adds a few more funnies and whatnot. I like this story, it is fun to write and it will probably really annoy my mom!

Random kid in the background, "You just hit two birds with one stone!"

Me, "Pish, duh! What'd you think I'd do?"

Anyways, for those of you following Mysterious pasts, yeah, I know I told you I had the next chapter partially done, but apparently I didn't save it so now I can't find it. *tear* I liked the way it was, too! *sob* I'm still not high -.-

Thanks for reading people, hope you enjoyed and PLEASE review!

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