Title: The REAL Reason I Left for Valinor: Celebrian's Journal
Author: Squirrelchaser
FYI: does not follow proper time line of Middle Earth's events (ie, ages conflict with events ect)
Warnings: very mild fudge covered violence, AU
AN: whole thing meant in good fun…do not take seriously, especially if you like Legolas or Elrond.
Disclaimer: OWN NOTHING. If I did I would not be writing here.
The REAL Reason I Left for Valinor: Celebrian's Journal
Entry 1
I love my husband, I love my husband, I DO love my husband…I am clenching my teeth as I write and am having reminding myself of the fact that, yes, indeed, I do love my husband…
Let's face it, after being married for over two thousand years to the Lord of Imladris…two thousand years is a very long time…I need to get away.
The final straw had come when he had stumbled into the bed room, no wait, must go back further.
Elrond and I had traveled to Mirkwood for Arwen's dance competition. (Elrond had spent the whole trip anxiously looking over his shoulder with one hand on his sword hilt, reminding me every five seconds of the shadow growing in the south.) Arwen had been visiting the Wood Elves to study dancing abroad, and other than a small rivalry between herself and the son of Thranduil (Legalese or something like that…whatever.) she had been enjoying her lessons very much…more so than when she had been home. (We still have not found that last dance instructor.) At any rate, that rivalry between our children had caused somewhat of a competition between King Thranduil and my husband. Elrond was very eager to see his daughter wipe the floor with the Prince of Mirkwood, and ride home in triumph as Thranduil licked his wounds.
Men.
So we were sitting in Mirkwood's vast stone hall to watch the recital. First up was the Mirkwood Prince (that's his name…Legolas!) with an amazing ballet routine that included a flaming baton. A huge crowd pleaser, that one, especially when he completed the routine despite the fact that he had managed to set his tutu on fire.
"Why must HE be the first?" Elrond had growled, but I poked him and told him to be polite. I think his bad temper was due to the fact that he was anxious that perhaps, just maybe, the prince had Arwen beat; she was doing tap and had made no mention of flaming anything (much to my relief).
After that performance was another ballet dancer (no baton), a modern group dance (did not finish number as one dancer was dropped during a lift and had to be carried off stage), a jazz dancer (did not finish either; leotard ripped), and a hula hoop act (????). Finally, after the ridiculous hula hoop number, I saw Arwen's dark head peek around the edge of the curtain. Like most children she was quick to find her parents in the audience, and I gave her a quick wave. Instead of waving back she stomped to the center of the stage and shrieked out into the waiting audience, "Dad! Wake UP!"
Turning, I saw that Elrond had his head flopped over the back of the chair and was snoring (and drooling) in a most undignified matter. The last act had been too much for him. "Elrond!" I had hissed, jabbing him as hard as I could in the ribs.
To this he practically hit the roof, jumping out his seat in a half awake daze screaming, "SAURON!" while drawing his sword.
Seeing an armed Eldar screaming the Dark Lord's name was enough to clear the hall in a panic, which effectively ended the dance competition. The Mirkwood Prince was effectively named the winner. Judging is so biased.
Elrond did not take too kindly to this defeat, snuck into King Thranduil's cellars, and – as he calls it – "borrowed" all of his Dorwinion, the lot of which he drank on the way home. At least he was too tipsy to dart about in alarm over the Dark Lord, but it also was why he stumbled into the bed room and proceeded to pass out on the bed that night. Angry at this whole stupid fiasco I kicked him out; he in turn kicked Elladan out of his room, who then went to sleep with Elrohir. The two got in an argument over pillows, and had the place in an uproar at three in the morning.
Entry 2
I decided upon waking up the next morning that I needed to go visit my mother for at least a year or so…a very long year or so. I was packing when Elrond shuffled into the room looking bleary eyed and hung over, and told him curtly that I was going away for a few months. I would tell him about the year when I got to Lorien; he has a tendency to get clingy and whiny when he does not feel well. I then said briskly that his *tiara* was crooked.
Drawing himself up and losing (most) of his hung over look he gave me a very stern lecture that it was NOT a "tiara."
I asked him what it was then and he did not reply. HA!
Entry 3
Crap. Captured by orcs when traveling through Redhorn Pass. Crap. Difficult to write as hands tied. Crap. Coming upon orc cave. Crap. Will probably be tortured shortly. Crap.
Entry 4
HA!! Double HA!!!! These orcs…Now I am under strict instructions NOT to tell anyone of this as these orcs have a reputation to keep up, but they are all just a bunch of bachelors. Once arriving at the cave they untied me and let me explore. They don't torture their prisoners…they just are looking for some one to tidy up once in a while and then they will let me go with the understanding that I was "tortured." They say that have a wicked party coming up with the Mirkwood spiders and was hoping that I knew how to make baklava and jello shots?
Entry 5
Cave is tidy; have learned how to play Mario Cart!! Beat Lurtz twice as Peach. Ha!! Met a female orc (did not know those things existed) who makes the most excellent fudge!!!! Am now busy mastering Super Smash Brothers. Will have to buy these games when get home…for the twins of course.
Entry 6
Crap. Elladan, Elrohir, and the Rangers have ridden out to "save" me and have finally found me. To keep up their façade, the orcs tied me up again, gave me a tiny "poisoned" wound (with a purple ball point pen) and left the rest up to my acting skills. Lurtz had been getting really anxious about their reputation - he said that the Balrogs were getting word that the orcs were getting "soft," and had offered me a couple of flails to make things more "convincing." I said no and added some dark blue eye shadow around the mark for some extra effects, but he said that those would wash off. I told him I would take care of it. After a quick good bye to make their escape, I threw myself down the mountain in an attempt to make some real bruises. Crap. Forgot that my hands were tied, rolled the whole way down hitting what I am sure was every bump on that mountain and was nearly trampled by Elladan who was leading an overly heroic charge. Will spank son as soon as arrive home; he said that that was what Glorfindel had taught him to do in training. Will spank Glorfindel too.
Entry 7
Am now lying in bed with husband hovering around looking very concerned. I take it that means I am doing a good job at pretending, but am very bored. Elrond then asked if I needed anything, and I took the opportunity to (weakly) as him to go out and buy a Game Cube? Looking very confused, he nonetheless did so. Have now beat Elladan and Elrohir twice and three times, respectively. (Only have two game controllers; drat.)
Entry 8
Am craving fudge. Muchly.
Am also in dire need of a video game partner, as the twins and Arwen won't play with me any more; sore losers, and Elrond can't figure out the controller (he is all thumbs). Asked Glorfindel to play but he informed me haughtily that he did not partake in such mindless wastes of time. ???? I guess living twice will do that to you. Or maybe it was the aforementioned spanking. Or it could have been from when Arwen had bashed him over the head again last week to sneak out with those rangers on Asfaloth.
Entry 9
Dear husband has invited Thranduil and son over for dinner. Have no idea why but it can't be good given their last encounter. Upon hearing of my recent capture and rescue, Legolas looked at me and winked. "Those spiders throw an awesome party," he whispered to me as we sat down to play Super Smash Brothers. I grinned, and he explained, "I was captured by spiders a few years back; they taught me my baton moves. Have you had their fudge? I made them give the recipe to me after they accidentally set my hair on fire." All of a sudden I seemed to like this kid, but given the sounds of screaming and punching coming from the dining hall I think I had better go check on Elrond.
Entry 10
Am now proceeding to make fudge, for which Legolas handed over the recipe only after I beat him five times in Melee as Zelda/Sheik (he was Young Link).
Dear husband is in a foul mood and nursing a black eye.
Stupid chocolate concoction! Have been beating it senseless with a wooden spoon for the last hour and it refuses to harden.
Entry 11
Last night Elrond made some sadistic comment about females, chocolate, and siding with the enemy (I assume he meant Legolas). My temper was already frayed that my fudge experiment had gone wrong and my arm hurt. I picked up the pan of runny fudge and hurled it at him. He ducked – almost in time, and spent the rest of the night locked in the bathroom nursing another black eye and un-sticking his hair from his *tiara.* Ha!
Though he must have felt remorseful and apologized half heartedly when he finally came out of the bathroom to find me completely packed and ready to go. (My first thought was to go to Mother as planned, but decided that it wasn't far away enough and will now to go Valinor.) When he realized I really was going, he apologized for real, got whiny and clingy, and started to beg me to stay. Forced to my last resort, I got blue and scary as Mother had taught me (use it only in the direst of situations – Mother said she used it only when reasoning with Father) and after Elrond had finished crying in terror he agreed and kissed me good bye.
Am riding out from Imladris for the Grey Havens at this very moment, for a very long vacation.
A/N: Let's just say that all the elves of Middle Earth had set sail for Valinor at the same time as all the Ring Bearers…
Entry 12
Ahhhhhh! What a nice long vacation it has been! I realize, Journal, that I have not picked you up in at least a thousand years or so, give or take a few centuries. That alone must tell you how relaxing things have been!
Actually, the only reason I dug you out again is that you will probably be put to good use in the next few…well for eternity; I just received word that the elves of Middle Earth have set sail for Valinor…It will be nice to see Mother and Father again, and of course, ah…what's his name? No, just kidding, yes I will be glad to see my husband and children again.
Entry 13
Elladan, Elrohir, and Elrond arrived today waterlogged, the latter particularly in a less than stellar mood but with good reason. As I held his *tiara* he wrung out and rebraided his hair, and told me the whole story.
Apparently a baby spider had snuck into Legolas' pack while they were journeying though Mirkwood. The problems began when it made its presence known; all the elves in sight fled in fright, except for Legolas who begged Cirdan to turn the ship around so Jon could be returned home. ("He named it?!" I had exclaimed, but Elrond gave me a look of such irritation that I shut my mouth again in a hurry.) Cirdan said he would do no such thing; they were over half way there, and told Legolas that if he did not chuck Jon over the side that instant, Legolas would be in for a swim. Jon apparently had feelings, and Jon's feelings apparently could be hurt. He had started to wail and sob uncontrollably (I shuddered at the thought) and Legolas, who is not squeamish at all it appears, had tried to console the baby spider. Thranduil in turn became angry at his son and told him he needed to "shut that &*!#!^!&! thing up immediately" or else he would not stop Cirdan from doing whatever he wished. That had made Jon cry harder, and Legolas begged to be left alone for a few minutes to "try to do things his own way."
Here Elrond paused for so long with a look of such disgust that I was almost afraid of how this story was going to end. I poked him in the ribs and he continued.
Had Legolas NOT been left alone a very different course of events – normal events – would have transpired, but oh, no, they had not been so lucky.
Jon, like all Mirkwood spiders, like flaming batons for entertainment.
In short, no one knew exactly what had happened, but before you could say Eärendil, the whole ship was ablaze…
For all the wisdom, lore, beauty, and even in some cases foresight that the elves posses, something they do NOT posses seems to be life boats. Or even life jackets. But at least elves cannot drown either, and the whole group from Middle Earth, from Elf Lord to elf-who-set-the-ship-ablaze-and-will-probably-never-be-forgiven-by-anyone-on-the-ship-ever had to swim the rest of the way to Valinor.
Legolas had kept Jon safely clinging to the top of his head while he dog paddled the distance. Legolas, carrying Jon, was now running very, very fast down the beach away from Elladan (or was it Elrohir?) as he pelted after him yelling obscenities; Legolas ran even faster.
Thranduil was in hot pursuit, threatening to do the same to Elladan/Elrohir – Thranduil it seems is itching to be the first to get his hands around the neck his spider loving son. Fortunately for his sake, Legolas seemed faster than the two older elves.
I had then asked Elrond where Arwen was, and he got very vague all of a sudden and muttered something about "Rangers."
I had narrowed my eyes and demanded to know exactly what he meant; Elrond had started to look a little nervous and finally stuttered that she was probably still swimming, dress being all cumbersome and all. I looked pointedly down at his attire, but he drew himself up and said icily that they were *robes of state.* I did not say anything about the tiara.
Entry 14
Husband is now forever, and ever and ever and ever and ever, kicked out of our – or now – my bedroom.
Early this morning I pried the truth out of Elrohir. (I finally remembered how to tell them apart! Elladan's nose is slight off center after he caught the ground with his face falling off the roof during a thunderstorm; he had wanted to test his immortality. Also before he hit the ground he had encountered a tree, so he also has a scar on his…but that one would never help me anyway.)
At any rate, after finding out that Elrond had let Awen go off and marry some mortal who would go off and die and leave her with who knows how many children to fend for herself, I did not yell. I did not scream. I did not even take it out on Elrohir; I calmly turned around, and went back to the bedroom to where Elrond was still sleeping (and yes, drooling). I did not even wake him up. Instead, I picked him up (elven women are strong you know), blankets and all, and deposited him unceremoniously out side the bedroom door, which I then slammed after yanking all the blankets in after me.
Needless to say he was awake after all of that, and is now banging on the door as livid as a Balrog as I write.
Entry 15
Elrond has now gone off in a huff to find somewhere else to sleep, though I am not sure where.
I found Legolas up a tree with Jon; he was surprised that I had found his hiding place until I reminded him gently that I was a Galadhrim. Unlike these house dwelling elves some of us have a prowess for climbing trees, eh?
It took two batches of fudge and several reminders of Super Smash Brothers to make him even think of coming out of the tree. I then told him, casually, that I had also managed to come into possession of a Play Station 2 as well as Final Fantasy 10…and he was out of the tree like a shot.
I was left with Jon, who had taken a liking to the fudge. Perhaps Jon is not so bad in a …hairy…leggy…many eyed sort of way…when he looks up with his chocolate covered fangs and all eight eyes shining in delight he is almost not repulsive…
Entry 16
Jon and I have become fast friends as Legolas has loaned him to me for a few days. Actually, Thranduil had gone after him with a flyswatter (Jon, not Legolas; Legolas is currently being chased by a belt) and Legolas had hastily shoved the arachnid off into my care as he shouted instructions over his shoulder.
Over the last few days Legolas has been learning to run really, really fast, but so has Thranduil. Legolas is hoping that Thranduil will either forget about Jon, or learn to love him.
I think neither is possible, but I do not tell Jon this as he is currently sniffing piteously into my shoulder, trying to hold back tears from all eight of his eyes.
Entry 17
Elrond had snuck into my room while I was asleep early one morning and had attempted to climb between the sheets. He had encountered a sleeping Jon on his pillow…the baby spider would not sleep with out his "Legglylass" as he calls him.
Have you ever heard an elf lord scream?
I just have…he screams like a girl…maybe it's the human in him.
I wake up to what sounds like a young female being knifed and raped, but open my eyes to find Elrond climbing the wall in utter terror, with Jon clinging to my chest in identical panic. Once Jon was calmed down I took Elrond by the elbow, ushering him out of *my* room and demanded to know what he had been doing.
For a brief moment what looked like remorse that would be followed by an apology flashed through his face…but instead he blew up, accusing me of cheating on him with a spider.
A spider! I had promptly started to laugh, doubling over and sliding down the wall.
The laughter had made him madder, and he demanded to know where my wedding band was.
I leapt up. "Ha!" I told him. "If I'm cheating on you with a spider then you are cheating on me with Vilya!!! And you don't have your wedding band either!"
At this he turned very red and started to muttering about gold bands being easily confused with the One Ring, and "viable excuses."
All of a sudden he looked adorable, mumbling and blushing, nearly as inept for words as when we were betrothed. "Elrond," I asked softly, "Why did you come to me this morning?" I didn't think he would answer, but he was busy swallowing is pride and for a while I was sure he'd choke on it before he managed to say,
"I wanted to apologize,"
Believe me, the sight of a humbled elf lord is enough to melt your heart. I think that was why I married him; I don't remember. But all was forgiven and all was said and done, and I said he could have his side of the bed back. He then asked me to kindly remove Jon.
I wonder how long it will take to track down Legolas, as his hiding places from Thranduil are getting progressively better and better…
Entry 18
Legolas' cover was blown when he was betrayed by Jon (with my help).
For the life of me, I could not figure out why that spider had such a fascination with the dishwasher. Jon kept jumping out of my lap during dinner, scuttling to the kitchen and standing insistently on the handle, waving two hairy legs in the air and making urgent spider noises.
Irritated with the noise, Thranduil had his butter knife clenched in one fist and was heading off to the kitchen in a menacing way as Elrond glared at me to do something about the spider.
Now, as annoying as that thing can be, I did not want to see it skewered by an elf king (especially with a butter knife) so I jumped up and pushed past Thranduil, grabbing Jon just in time. "See," I told him, putting him on my shoulder as Thranduil stood behind with narrowed eyes. "There is nothing –" I opened the dishwasher only to have my point disproved…there was something in there – a blond Legolas something to be precise.
He immediately sprang past me, regarding Thranduil with the look of a child who had spent the last several days avoiding a spanking.
To make a long story short, I called for a truce with Legolas escaping with minimal punishment. One condition of our agreement was that I had to house Jon the spider, which made Elrond glare all the more fiercely when the three (four counting Jon) returned to the table.
The dishwasher, which had been set on automatic (heated wash), had turned on as soon as Thranduil and I had reached an agreement.
Entry 19
Elrond will not allow Jon to sleep on his pillow (or mine, for that matter) but nevertheless, I have managed to argue Jon a place to sleep in our room (Elrond's left slipper). Legolas comes over daily to visit Jon, eat fudge, and play games Play Station with me. (Final Fantasy 10-2 and Mario Cart 2 will come out shortly!)
Speaking of fudge, I think Jon has had too much…he is looking quite plump as of late.
Entry 20
Have lost Jon! Or he has wandered off, and Legolas is frantic; he turned our bedroom upside down (Elrond kicked him out after that). Legolas is now demanding that we all carry a broom with us, sweeping the patch of floor we are to tread on twice to make sure we do not step on him, and looking very carefully for any sign of Jon.
Thranduil and especially Elrond refuse to do this (I think Elrond is sore over his slipper), and I swear that Elladan and Elrohir are walking with heavier footfalls than I have heard from elves in my life. It could be the non-elven part of them though, or they picked up some bad habits when I was gone.
Entry 21
Elrohir has broken a small bone in his foot from the repeated stomping, but refuses to stop in hopes of "finding" Jon. He now walks with one very heavy footed stomp (his healthy side), followed by the drag of his injured foot, which Elrond has wrapped in plaster. So now you can hear him coming: *stomp* shuffle *stomp* shuffle.
I asked Elrond to plaster his feet together to keep him still, but he pointed out that then Elrohir would be hopping, and what a noise that would make. I then jokingly asked if he were afraid if Elrohir would "hop" on Jon.
Elrond is now looking for Elrohir with another roll of plaster cast.
Methinks I should have kept my mouth shut.
Entry 22
Still have not found Jon.
Legolas is hysterical.
Have made three batches of fudge, but Legolas burst into tears and said that it reminded him of Jon, so I ate it all by myself.
Entry 23
Feel sick.
Elrond was not sympathetic when I admitted the cause, and started again about "females" and "chocolate."
Entry 24
Jon is still MIA, Legolas is still hysterical.
He is now wandering slowly around the woods, broom in hand, calling for Jon, sounding most pathetic..
I miss that little guy. *tear*
Entry 25
Tried to console Legolas with baklava.
Did not work, so I ate it all by myself.
Tried jell-o shots.
Legolas is now drunk, and Thranduil is ready to throttle me but Elrond stood by me, even after I threw up on him.
Entry 26
WE FOUND JON!
Jon has been hiding up on one of the rafters over our bed, just sitting there very patiently…I wonder what he's doing.
Legolas doesn't know yet as he is too hung over, but I will tell him when he wakes up.
Entry 27
Legolas is concerned because Jon has not come down for several days, and is worried that Jon will starve. Legolas, much to Elrond's irritation, has insisted sleeping on the floor at the foot of the bed, in case Jon needs anything. He is now standing on our bed throwing bread crumbs and bits of fudge up to the rafters where Jon sits.
*Later*
Legolas tried to give Jon water, and now our bed is sopping wet, and Jon was nearly drowned.
Elrond furiously kicked Legolas out of the room, and will not allow him to return under any circumstances.
The water is just as well, as the sheets were already a mess of crumbs and fudge; saves me the trouble of washing them, once they dry.
Entry 27
Awoke to the sound of Elrond screaming his head off. He has not stopped screaming like a girl.
It seems that one of two things have taken place: Jon has multiplied over night and shrunk (there are now many miniature Jons swarming down from the rafter), or we will have to rethink Jon's name and change it to something more feminine.
After Elrond was pacified (had to resort to the left over jell-o shots) and I had picked all the mini-Jons out of our hair and bed clothes, I called Legolas into the room.
Standing at the door way he hesitated, reminding me of how Elrond had permanently banned him from the room.
I rolled my eyes and lifted the sentence, gesturing to my dear husband who was lying inebriated on the bed. He was mindless of Jon sitting on his forehead, who had finally descended from his rafter after his (um, her?) offspring had come down and was looking quite proud.
Entry 28
Jon has a new female name: Legolas has christened her Jolina Eight-Legged the Eighth. Jo for short. I asked Legolas what "the Eighth" stood for and he shrugged.
As much as I have grown to love Jon…Jo and her children, the fact remains that our bedroom is overrun with spiders; they will not all fit in Elrond's left slipper, or both of them at the same time, and this is when they are newly hatched.
To remedy this situation Legolas is out in a tree building a spider house. He is happy as he will now be able to visit Jo and her hundreds…heck, thousands of children whenever he wishes.
Entry 30
Legolas has a broken thumb; he has never built anything before and hammers are a bad thing for him.
Fortunately he and Elrond were on much better terms as he is not sleeping in our bedroom and Elrond has almost forgotten that he burnt the ship down…all because of Jo.
The broken thumb also allowed me to beat him soundly in Super Smash Brothers six times that afternoon. He was getting altogether too good with Young Link anyway; once he is healed he demands a proper tournament and claims handicap. I said nothing, and he is now back outside pounding away on his spider house.
Entry 31
We had a light rain shower accompanied by a slight breeze, the result of which being that Legolas' spider house has fallen down. Thankfully no spiders were injured (they had not moved in yet) but Elrond is busy removing the splinters from Legolas (one hundred twenty nine and counting) and will set his broken ankle.
Elrohir and Elladan have volunteered to build a spider house; I am not sure if it is to get the arachnids out of the house or to apologize to Legolas for when Elladan accidentally slammed his thumb in the refrigerator door yesterday. (It is now re-broken.)
One hundred thirty seven splinters, still counting.
Entry 32
Spider house is finished, and Jo and her family have moved in. Legolas was about to build an adjoining room for himself, but Thranduil put a stop to that for more than one reason.
Today is Christmas Eve; that night I gave Elrond an early present, signing the tag, "From Jo."
It was a new pair of slippers.
He smiled and kissed me on the forehead.